My H definately piecing but me...

[kasiopeia]

It is really tough to answer how you restrain from questioning.I still deal with this now myself.The reason i came back here to the boards was because finding my H had went to reunion.com and searched for an Xgf.I thought,oh no here we go again.I did question him about it,he said it was only curiosity and it meant nothing.He knows it was stupid.I still wonder why he would search for an ex-girlfriend from 20 yrs ago.I start thinking all kinds of things,is he MLC? Etc.He is done with his reasons and i decided i won't ask him nothing more.Why?Because i can no longer be the scared girl always wondering what he is up to.He told me it was nothing and i have to accept that until i find otherwise.I honestly think that i have stayed here,on the boards, though because it helps me by reading other posts and how they respond to the issues they deal with.Men are different,they want to forget and move on.We,tend to try to decipher and figure out why.
This is why affairs are so horrible,there is always the trust issue.You have to live your life and try to not worry about it though.We stay and work on our M because we love them and we hate to see our family torn apart.It is a day by day solution.We set up our boundries in our R,what we tolerate.I always said i would leave my H if he ever had an A.That was my set of rules.My C helped me by saying that we can change our rules,our boundries.So i changed mine.Why that worked,i really don't know,but it did.Kindof sounds wierd,one sentence can change the way you look at things.Marriage is not easy,it does take some work.Hope this helps some.K

[cat03]

Everybody keeps telling me it takes time. But my H is getting very impatient with me. How do you restrain yourself from asking the questions, that really do not need to be asked. I do not throw stuff in his face, but I do like to have peace of mind. I am scared to death to just let go, and believe what he tells me

Every day we take chances, when you first married him you took a chance to believe him, you took a big change by joining his life with yours. I've said it before, I considered myself pretty much 99% free of the A monkey on my back. OF course here and there a thougth comes up (was he w/her on V-day, on new year's when he told me he was alone?) At a very low point of my healing process my good friend happier&healtier posted this for me :

Please STOP
try this excerise. what is the worst thing that you can imagine. I don't want to make things worse, but lets try it on for size.
your h was gone. He was with OW in PA, even told her that he wanted to D you and M her. He was with her right up until the 2 of you began reconcilliation and ML. He wanted the best of both worlds. Told her XY&Z. made plans for the future. Even booked a cottage with her for New Years this year.
What does that mean? Cat it means that he did stuff that would hurt for you to know. none of the things matter more than the other honestly. When he left, that was the worst punch that you had to take. All the rest of it is just part of the recipe. I've said this before about my sitch, maybe it will help you. One wrong or another doesn't matter which. they are all wrong. God does not have a sin scale. Once you realize that, you can stop comparing them.
Now that you have the worst of the worst thought out. what's next. He came home, and you are working on things. The stuff that you are looking at, seeking out, torturing yourself with, that is all the past. Reality is that you are working on the future. The here and now is that he is with you. Don't wait to create a great day.
God Bless you ,HH

Her H is still away and she has 3 kids under 4, and she is consoling ME! she has reached that point in which she has regain peace and control of her emotions regardlesss of what's going on.

I'm afraid when those of us have our S's back we regress. We also wish we could unload all the misery we've canned away while DB'ing. Start little, I used to check his wallet, I stopped, I used to check his IM messages, I stopped.
Ask yourself "what is this going to accomplish" as you begin to snoop, ask yourself "is this going to make me feel better?" Trust me, once you begin, it will be easier for you to stop looking around.
If I ever look around in my H's upstairs room, is to find out not what he did w/her, but what was his life without me. I was sneaking in innocent questions here and there, but I realized that I delay his and my healing by digging for info.

[toughlover]

Kim

Believe me, I know how you feel. Been there. Still, to some extent, there.

How do you do that? I do not know where to look for it in myself.

Well, you have it. You're choosing not to exercise it because it's easier to give in. Ultimately, though, I would say the strength is not necessarily within yourself but in God...and our goal is to put ourselves in God's hands and handle things his way, which is the way of forgiveness.

To do that, you have to stop allowing your entire universe to swirl around your S. You have to be able to function without him before you will ever be able to share your life with him...cause as they say, if you don't Get A Life, you won't have one to share with your S.

But you do know how to do this. You already know the answer, cause you said:

I know I am doing all the wrong things to fix our R, and I am just making it much harder for him.And pushing him away.

There you go. Now if you continue to do this, you're choosing to push him away rather than control yourself. It's your choice.

I do think the wayward S is obligated to be forthcoming with relevant details, to be willing to account for their whereabouts for a reasonable amount of time you two have to agree on. That was really the first step my W and I took to begin working together again. So far, so good.

While he was cheating, he was the problem. When he comes back and says he wants to work to make things better, and you won't let it go, you start being the problem.

Your goal is to starve the problem, refuse to feed it. The DB stuff is the way you do that.

I have just gotten to where I can fully do that. Maybe for the last 10 days, and I've already seen a difference in my W. Very small, baby steps, but steps nonetheless.

I simply chose to be the best husband I could be. I asked myself, "Self, if this were all brand new, and I wanted nothing more than to be the best husband my W could ever want, what would I do?" Then I did it, everything from spending more time with the kids, being more patient and kind, doing ALL the dishes after dinner (she cooks it all, so that's fair), doing more chores around the house without being asked, bringing her cold drinks, rubbing her feet, you name it. I listen, I validate, I don't try to fix her. I gently remind her of my love by my actions.

I do those things, but I also go about my own business too, and I don't expect anything in return. Yes, it's hard...hardest thing I've ever done. But I don't necessarily do it because of who she is, I do it because of who God is and who I want to be. And it's what my kids deserve. My absolute best.

Again, anger, bitterness, resentment feel better in the short term, and are necessary to deal with and get rid of, but true (unconditional) love transforms.

[74Kim]

The stuff that you are looking at, seeking out, torturing yourself with, that is all the past. Reality is that you are working on the future. The here and now is that he is with you. Don't wait to create a great day.

I keep trying to tell myself that everyday. But the urge to snoop and the distrust is so strong I ignore what is right. I have no self control.

The problem today is that, He had to work a double yesterday, meaning hed be gone from 10 am till 3am. long time right? Well it was slow so he closed early came home at 12:30am. He came home drunk, and slept on the couch. He woke up about 5 am, came in the room and tried to get frisky, I said okay, but go brush your teeth. Well he got a shower. When I ? him about it he took a fit! Saying I am crazy and that he cant put up with this nonsense. that he is doing evrything I am asking him to do.He cant prove his honesty and faithfullness enough. So this morning he woke up still mad but we talked and kinda made up.Until he went upstairs and snuck a peek at his phone, well he called her # at 11:40. So I had to ? him again about it. He told me he was trying to get a hold of her mother to get off some kind of poll that was made.That is when it really got ugly, he threw and broke his phone, carried on at me like a raging animal.
He first stormed out the door angry, but he went to the truck waited a couple min and came back, told me he was still angry and doesnt want to talk about it. But he hugged and kissed me and said Its gonna be alright.

I knew looking at his phone was wrong, but I just had to do it. Now reading this back, it was soooo stupid. Last night was for whatever reason. but the time from the phone call and the time he got home is too close for anything to happen.We live 1/2 hour from the bar. I am so stupid!!
Now I am scared all over agin, because he has to have the same shift today and tomorrow. And after all of my carrings on did I push him towards her?

Men are different,they want to forget and move on.

But how can they fix us or move on in a better way, if it is just forgotten?

[cat03]

Kim, what's done is done, we all mess up now and then. That doesn't mean he will run to her though.

You could worry about him going back to her 'til the cows come home and feed those demons that have you on their firm grasp. DON'T.
I could also torture myself and think that my H could to see the OP after his classes are over at the academy (he rents a room w/ a coworker, comes home only on weekends) Yep, I could really make myself sick thinking about it. I also let my imagination run wild but trust me, you CAN conquer your fears.

If you wish to find something suspicious you will, your mind will fill in the blanks, fight that. If you start wondering again, like let's say, the shower thing-- you have a few choices "omg, he went to see her" or "he's just trying to freshen up for me" and my favorite "so he did xyz that looks suspicious, SO WHAT!"

You have tomorrow and after tomorrow to show him that you are level headed and that you want to forget the past. Tomorrow, kiss him good bye happily, have a great breakfast together and show him that you are OK.

One day at a time, I also thought I had no self control, that I just couldnt' stop, it can be done, start little, you can fight those demons, dont' give them an inch, don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you squirm at anything/everything. Make up your mind since the moment your wake up. FIGHT IT.

But how can they fix us or move on in a better way, if it is just forgotten?

YOU are responsible for your own happiness, don't put all the load on him, I mean this in the best way, he can't find your demons for you. I'm sure you two must've talked about the A and the OP at some poing right? it was confronted not quietly tucked away, right? OK, so he didnt' asnwer many of your questions but if it was talked over and discussed then it needs to be buried and forgotten to move on.

You really have to understand that you dont have to know every little detail to forgive and forget, you can't expect him to start trusting you if you drag his infidelity to the light all over again, you are reminding him about how much he has failed you and that is very hard for a men to cope with over and over again. It's like saying "you've messed up and I want you to remember that, you have made so many mistakes and I want you to pay for it".

[74Kim]

I have to say reading al these replies it is definately starting to sink in. The phone bill is available to be read online tomorrow. I was anticipating to read it. I will refuse to look at it. And stay strong not to ever look at it. That will be my first challenge.

It's like saying "you've messed up and I want you to remember that, you have made so many mistakes and I want you to pay for it".

I am definately doing that. I do want him to pay for it.I want him to remember forever, because I will. Deep down I do not want that , but on the surface it would make me feel good for the moment. But for the long haul, I do not want that.

I can not express the gratitude I have for all of your responses. I could never do this with out you all. I know that I do not post on any of your threads, and I am sorry for that, but I am not ready to be giving advice, because I havent a clue as to what I am doing. As you can all see. But anyways thanks so so so so so much!

[kasiopeia]

Kim, They do give good advice here.I lurked here 6 yr. ago.I don't think i ever posted.I like you didn't have any advice to give.Now,here i am trying to help others.I feel like me and my H have made it 6 yrs longer than i thought we would,so maybe we did something right?I still wonder and question to myself sometimes about the A.The good thing is he is still here with me.As far as them paying for it,i think they do through the whole A.They have to live a lie,sneak around,always look over their shoulder.Who wants to live like that?K

[74Kim]

As far as them paying for it,i think they do through the whole A.They have to live a lie,sneak around,always look over their shoulder.Who wants to live like that?K

Good Point!
Thanx!

[cat03]

you are right on the money K, my H told me that at one point he just had to lie right and left to everyone, until the whole things was a big fat lie and he got caught in it and was way over his head.

Kim, it's OK to feel like the Hs should pay for what they did. I get little bouts of anger now and then when I realize we are in such a financial pinch just because he went wild with dinners and suits and outings, so bad that some weeks I can only take my kids to McD's once a week.

Yes, I wonder if he's been miserable enough. I think he is, he tells me how each month when the 3, yes 3, credit card bills comes it brings that guilt on him again, a debt that will take us a year and a half to pay. So then I keep my mouth shut, and remember Jesus' responce to someone who asked "so how many times do I have to forgive my brother" and he said "not ony seven times, but seventy times seven"... so, there is my answer.

One more thing, you know what I got out of snooping my H's credit card bills?, MORE heartache and anger and sadness and disgust. So, you be strong and don't look at the phone bill, snopping satisfies you for the first 4 seconds, then, you are left even more miserable than before.

[toughlover]

snopping satisfies you for the first 4 seconds, then, you are left even more miserable than before.

This is true. And I snoop very, very well. Installed a keystroke logger on our home PC so I could see everything she typed in...emails, online accounts for places like Victoria's Secret, etc.

It will make you sick. Doing it to get the truth was something I was glad I did, at first because my wife led such a double life (singing in church on Sunday morning, then meeting the OM in a motel room or his home on Sunday afternoon when she was supposed to be shopping) and she is such a good liar that I wanted a clear picture of what I was married to.

However, once she agreed to stay and work on the M, I quit doing that, cause dwelling on that stuff, as cat pointed out, ain't good for you, and doesn't help you detach.

The only thing that really helps me is detaching. I've somehow linked my jogging with detaching and also praying. So when I feel a dark moment coming on, I usually go run and I pray while I run.

By the time I get back, I feel better (runner's high), I'm just tired enough that I don't feel like worrying over stuff I can't control, I feel more like I'm IN control (cause I've done something), and I've lost another pound or two. And often, as a result of praying, I believe I receive guidance and clarity from God, and strength do deal with this sitch.

I guess what I'm saying is that's what works best for me...detaching and gaining control over myself. It's a daily choice. It's damned hard. But it's worth it.

For me the really hard part is when I'm detached and ok with being all alone, she'll draw just a little bit closer to me on her own, very small baby steps, but noticeable. Resisting the temptation to read too much into that, to break my detachment, and want too much too soon is really difficult!!!