The rental is co-broked thru 2 real estate companies. So, calling the listing agent is a no-no. Doesn't help that our agent is on vacation, however, she knows we're waiting to hear.
Today's festivities brought SO coming home with lunch; checking the caller ID and asking why the agent from the other house called here. I told her she called about a rental that may be coming available and asked him where the town was, because I didn't know. He asked if I wanted to move there because "that's where my boyfriend is?". WTH? Ah, yes, I mention I may go out with friends this weekend and all of a sudden I am "spitefully" going out with other guys. Once again, I reiterated I still had no concrete plans for the weekend yet.
A little bit later he asked me again about jobs, working, having enough money. Most of my answers were "I don't know." He asked why all of a sudden now are you going to get your license again? And how is that going to work with the kids when you could never get it to work before?" Again, I said "I don't know yet." He responds with: "Lately there's been so many 'I don't know' answers. Why? " (I don't think I have it exactly the way he said it, because I got out of it that HE has "I don't know" answers as well and wasn't happy with either of us answering that way. Although, WTH knows, maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I took it.) I said, I don't have all the answers, I don't even want to have all the answers." Then I left him to nap.
When he got up, he came and sat with me & the girls at dinner....and it seemed like every few minutes he would ask me what was wrong. I think because I've been acting so devil-may-care lately (finally); I wasn't doing anything other than being happy and upbeat with the kids. He then questioned again - if the rental is going to be OK; do I want to move out or not; and what I'm thinking. I acted blase; never directly answered anything, then he says "we're going to have to have a serious discussion one of these nights with all bullsh!t aside." I said "all right."
Yeah, I'll say it - inside I was thinking YOU are the one with the bullsh!t problem - not me! And these days you don't know the facts from the fiction that you've told - but, yes, yes - I kept that all to myself!
Can anyone out there translate "Alienspeak" for me? The only languages I was offered in high school were French, Spanish and Latin...lol.
It's 4 AM when his alarm goes off. I'm laying there, in a sleepy fog, he squishes up against me and starts kissing my ear. ????? I ask, what are you doing (sleep talking - not my consciousness, although perhaps my subconscious?) Anyway, after saying it, wishing I could take it back. He mutters something unintelligible. I drowse, he keeps hitting snooze, finally gets up, showers, leaves.
Awake to email saying he'll take 2 older girls with him this afternoon to pick up my Explorer. My response: "OK".
Next email: "Even though they are my kids too, but since you have plans already, I would like to Take D7 and D3 to B's Sunday afternoon and camp in the trailer, just the 3 of us, D2 will be too much, and i wont be able to do anything w/ the other two. I'll bring their 4 wheelers, I need to do something like that w/ them before its to late"
Me: OK (This is different for me, normally I would ask details)
Next: Where will D2 be? Me: Probably with me, my plans fell through for the weekend.
Then me, with apprehension, Was I having weird dreams again this morning or did you kiss my ear? Him:I was having a weird dream, kept hearing you wanted me, I prob did that, I think I remember, sorry Me: Don't be sorry. However, if there's ever a next time, make it count. Him: What do you mean? Me:Well, I think I asked what you were doing. Sorry if that was mean. I was in a sleepy fog and I didn't know whether I was awake or dreaming. I didn't want to make an ass out of myself if I was only dreaming. Had you continued and broken though my fog, well, my wall probably would have come down. Him: (re: taking kids) Prob not this weekend, maybe next weekend, way to rainy and cold for the little ones, they will be sick for the 1st week of school I'll fig something else out. I still cant figure out your last "Make it count email" Me: ok....about the weekend. My last email....hmmm, well, I would have liked you to do more. *I* would have liked to have done more back. I was mostly asleep and wasn't sure what was going on. And I get scared of you. And so, I do nothing and wait for YOU to do something. These days I often think of anything between us as perhaps the "last". The last we'll do 'this'...or the last we'll do 'that'. So, I guess I want to make sure it's done right. If you're going to kiss me, don't stop with my ear. And, yes, sometimes I need to be drawn out of my shell. Because I've gotten used to keeping a wall up between me & everything going on. Don't know if this helps explain anything or not.
He finally leaves work and calls... Evidently the potential landlord wants to meet with us prior to deciding on renting. SO calls and asks me "Should I say OK?" I say "OK." He says "What's wrong?" Nothing, why? Goddammit what are you thinking? You need to tell me what you're thinking and what you want!!! (screaming at the top of his lungs) I'm afraid to tell you what I'm really thinking. You've always been like this - don't you think you need to start talking to me? My eyes are going to explode right out of my head from all this (Still yelling at the top of his lungs). I thought we agreed you need your own place. I feel as though I'm just along for the ride. I don't think what I feel or what I want matters right now. What do you mean along for the ride? Isn't this what was decided? OK, SO. What do you mean, OK?????? OK, it will be fine. I just worry about the amount of the rent. Why? I'm paying the rent. You'll need to get a job ASAP and you'll only have to worry about bills and diapers. OK, SO. End of convo - cell breaking up. Then, text: What the hell, NM? I text back I'm sorry to have angered him. That this is what he wants and what I feel doesn't matter right now.
It's taken every ounce of my being to state I'm not comfortable moving into this place. I'm not. The rent is way too high. I just don't feel as though I have a choice. I have no idea what HE really wants; plus I have no idea what I should do anymore. Everything seems so cloudy; no answers; I don't know which direction to go.
I feel if I state what's really going on inside me, he'll say I'm being difficult, causing trouble, etc. Actually, he's already said that. I keep it in, force him to make a decision - then he says I'm the same old NM and don't tell him what I'm thinking. He asked, "Now that it's down to the wire do you not want to go? Why not - I thought we decided on this?"
Sometimes it seems like he's begging me to say I won't go. But if I hint at that, he flies off the handle. Or, am I just projecting what *I* want to hear into what he's saying?
NM, I have a couple of questions if you don't mind. Is your name going to be on this lease or is SO's? Is he planning to pay the rent or is he paying you a monthly sum?
I just get the feeling that he plans to still be in control of you because of money. Maybe I am way off base and I apologise if so, but it worries me.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Quote: Is your name going to be on this lease or is SO's? Is he planning to pay the rent or is he paying you a monthly sum?
He's going to be listed as the Guarantor, with me as the tenant. He'll pay the rent, as well as putting additional money in my account, as it is now. He's got money direct deposited from his paycheck into the account for me.
Incidents like yesterday are what drives me to want to get out of here. When he got home from work, it was already around 1 PM. He also had to work last night, from 8 to 4. But, my truck was at the dealership, fixed. So, he decides he's going to go get it. But, in order to go get it, he's got to take the trailer and tow it back. Now, if we had another vehicle that fit all of us, (instead of the 2 pickups and sports car that he's got), this wouldn't have to be. We could have just drove up there and one of us driven my truck back - like normal people. But, whatever. So, the whole time he's bitching that he's going to lose sleep because he's got to get "my" truck. I suggested we postpone it until morning, while I tried to find someone to watch the kids, this way he could just drop me off at the dealer as he's on his way to the wedding he has to DJ. Nope. He insists he's going right then. Well, OK, whatever then - lose sleep. It's one hour to the dealer - one way. So, he wouldn't be back until at least 4. Which is what happened.
When he gets back, he's griping about losing 3 hours of sleep for "me". See, NM, I'll do anything for YOU. Checks caller ID, (yes, OW called, didn't leave message), but he didn't call her back. Just asked that he be woken up at 6:45. I said OK. He went on that he probably wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.
He goes in; comes back out after about 45 minutes, says he's just laying there shaking. Goes back, calls me in, hints at ML; I tease about it; reminding him all 3 kids are up, etc, leave the room. Around 5, while I was in the kitchen finishing the kids dinner, the phone rings. I can hear a man talking into the answering machine and go in to see who it is - it's his dentist saying he can't keep prescribing "analgesics" for him, that he needs to get his procedure done (the rest of his root canal.)
I wake him up for work; he asks if anyone called. I remember the dentist and tell him. He GOES BALLISTIC!! Screaming why didn't I wake him up; he NEEDS his vicodin!! (OK - so now I'm thinking, you've been on vicodin since being in the hospital back in June - can we say addicted??) Anyway - he starts yelling that all I want is to cause trouble for him; how can he go through the weekend without pills; blah, blah. He gets on the phone and gets the dentists answering service. Flips out on them. Yelling, cursing, etc. The doctors office calls back and explains that the doctor didn't know he has an appointment (for this coming Thursday) and that a prescription is called in to the drug store.
He still comes out and asks why I was trying to wreck his weekend for him. In the midst of this, he thinks he lost a contact (my fault because I made him mad) has me look in his eye for it; at the same time his stepmother calls (WHY is she calling you? Me: probably something about D7's upcoming birthday, phew, good one, NM)
While all this bellowing & ranting (by him) was going on, D7 just looks at me, like "WTH's wrong with Daddy?" She wasn't scared, but I could tell by the look on her face she couldn't figure out what he was so mad & yelling about. I just looked at her and shook my head no, as if to say, not now, we'll talk later and she went to the den to watch TV. After he finally left for work (Yes, late, which was my fault because he had to spend time on the phone needlessly) and angry (my fault because I got him all worked up by not waking him to take the dentists call); I explained his behavior by saying he needed his medicine for the pain in his mouth and that he was upset because he didn't have much sleep and was late for work. I really didn't know what else to say. Through the whole thing I just stayed away from him and let him roar. I only said to him that I didn't hear the whole message from the doctor and apologized because I thought he needed to sleep rather than take the call.
This morning I wake up to a message saying it was 3:30 (Actually the caller ID says 2:30) and he was still at the bar and would be staying over "here". Would be home around 9 AM to get ready for his wedding this afternoon/night. Whatever. I actually had a peaceful night sleep and glad I left the phone in the bedroom unplugged so I didn't have to speak with him.
So, anyway, incidents like the whole dentist thing (besides wondering if he's now addicted to prescription drugs) gives me another check mark in the "Con" side of moving out. Yeah - I started a list - Pro's & Con's of Moving/Staying. Plus, I couldn't tell by the message if he was drunk or not last night, but does it matter? Evidently he found a better offer than coming home. Shrug.
Days like today I wish I could just go somewhere and get out of here. But, it's cold & rainy, Ernesto's effects - going to be rain for days. Where would I go? Everyone's houses are smaller than ours, kids would be cooped up no matter where we went. And, He wants to spend time with them tomorrow. Sigh. I guess me leaving would be running away. Perhaps tomorrow I will go somewhere for the night and come home Monday. Leave him with the kids. Although I can see it already - I'm going out all night for spite, what guy am I with, blah blah.
It's coming down to the wire; I need to make a decision THAT I DON'T WANT TO MAKE!
I feel all this pressure - from SO to get out. I'm terrified of the financial situation more than anything else, although I admit to some fears about "us". When I really think about though, it's more the money issue. I'd feel more secure with a job in place - I have none right now. If I get my RE license, it won't be until October. Thus, no income at least until then. SO is very, very untrustworthy when it comes to money these days. He couldn't even afford his $750 month rent on his apartment, so how the hell is he going to be able to pay this rent, which is $500 more? Plus daycare, dual bills, etc.
When I try to talk about this, he sees me as being "difficult". And trying to cling to him. But my goodness - doesn't he see? Or, am I just supposed to go. Take the kids and hope and pray that he does what he says he's going to do?
Do I make a stand; I'm not comfortable with this decision yet? I'd feel much better about it if I had a job secured. And, if all the money currently in the bank wasn't going to be gone when the check for the security, 1st, & last months rent is written? And then what about incidentals? There'll be no $$ for that; curtains, garbage cans, pots & pans, etc. I mean, I plan on taking all the big things, (furniture, TV, beds microwave, etc) but we don't have dual stuff like that. I believe OW brought (and took back) that kind of stuff for his apartment. Or, he just went without them. Or are these just stupid excuses I'm coming up with?
Can anyone help me sort out the these pro's & cons and to be able to make a fully informed, completely aware decision?
I would speak to an attorney about getting a child support order - that way at least you have the option of garnishing his wages if he doesn't pay his share.
Well, Ellie, from what I've been able to find out, as we are not married I first have to go through paternity testing. This requires him being notified, so nothing I can do without his knowledge. Then, once paternity is established, then comes the child support issue. And trust me - I argued about this because he'slisted on their birth certificates. With 2 of 3 kids being born in NY, he had to sign an affidavit of paternity right in the hospital and have it witnessed before he could be put on the birth certificates. It appears, though, that NY doesn't even recognize their own paperwork as I was told I STILL had to go through the paternity testing for all 3. ( D7 was born in FL and yes, she's on the birth certificate as well, and yes, we went through something very similar down there. )
Of course, he has pleaded with me to keep it out of the courts. The amount in NY that I could find as average child support i 28% for 3 kids. We did a calculation and this would be equal to what he would pay in rent and some of the daycare costs. Of course, I have no intention of NOT taking it to through the courts if I move out. I hadn't done anything yet due to not wanting to alienate (?) infuriate (probably more accurate) him, because, like I said, due to the paternity testing he will be contacted.
Perhaps not the smartest decision I've made (of many, but who's counting ); it seemed rational at the time. I'm living here; he's paying everything; plus puts money in an account for me. It didn't seem necessary to begin any of this court process. Until now, it seems.
I would think paternity testing would only be necessary if he CONTESTS it, right? You can't tell me they are doing lab tests on every single couple out there???
I might get another legal opinion. I can't believe he can't just admit they are his and have it be over. Seems wacky.
If you move out and DON'T have an order for support, then you are depending on him in his current state to manage his money well enough to provide for you and woo OW at the same time? Seems really risky.
I would get all that paperwork ready to file before you move out.
I know what you mean, Ellie. This is what I was told when I called the court house. To bring copies of the birth certificates and any other paperwork I had (which I had them make copies of everything we signed at the hospital, knowing what I went through in FL - not becasue of any difficulties in the R) and I would have to file (& pay) for a Petition of Paternity. I did argue with them as it did sound wacky to me as well, but that's what they told me. I will call again Tuesday to verify.
In the meantime, we run to the convenience store before and my D7 starts singing a Kid Rock song. OK, SO does "country!!"; I'm the rock & roll aficionado around here. Anyway...I ask her where she heard it and she says Daddy keeps playing it over & over whenever we're in his truck. Says he feels like this is his song.
Only God Knows Why
I've been sittin here Tryin to find myself I get behind myself I need to rewind myself Lookin for the payback Listen for the playback They say that every man bleeds just like me And I feel like number one Yet I'm last in line I watch my youngest son And it helps to pass the time I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same Everybody knows my name They say it way out loud A lot of folks f*ck with me It's hard to hang out in crowds I guess that's the price you pay To be some big shot like I am Out stretched hands and one night stands Still I can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down I will always be around
People don't know about the things I say and do They don't understand about the sh!t that I've been through It's been so long since I've been home I've been gone, I've been gone for way too long Maybe I forgot all things I miss Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this I said it too many times And I still stand firm You get what you put in And people get what they deserve Still I ain't seen mine No I ain't seen mine I've been giving just ain't been gettin I've been walking that there line So I think I'll keep a walking With my head held high I'll keep moving on and only God knows why
Ah, yes, SO's life in a nutshell. It makes me sad my daughter correlates this song with her father. It makes me want to cry.
I'll fig something else out. I still cant figure out your last "Make it count email"