I am not saying involve the Police, but maybe the police being involved would wake SO up enough to see his part in this and that he needs help.
I am very worried about you and the girls. You have no job no means to support your self at this time. I honestly do not understand how you are supposed to move out of your home and live somewhere else. Won't SO be paying for that too? In which case won't he feel he has the right to be there when he wants?
I am sorry I can not offer any real advice. I am very worried about your health, mental and other wise. I wish I could do something for you.
Have you looked in to what kind of support he will be paying once you are really seperate? I really hesitate to say this NM, but have you looked into what kind of services may be available to you as far as assitance?
I jsut do not see how you can do this on your own. If you are truly fearful of him you do need to contact some authorities, maybe even a call to a woman's center . Atleast find out what is available.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Well, made it through the afternoon and evening unscathed. I did call his father, and explained everything that happened over the weekend and up to this point. His father told me that SO told him I was moving out this weekend and he couldn't bear the pain so that was why he was there. Also told him I had a job already and some other BS. Explained OW as a "good friend" helping him through a tough time. Ick. His father urged me to just leave him - any way I can. Said he had been like this before I met him, then thought SO had changed when he met me. Explained that a previous girlfriend (before me) also had to run away from him, got a protection order against him which he violated and was put in jail for a night. More info I never knew before.
I also called both the sheriff's dept and state police - both of whom told me I can't have him evicted from his home - at least not by them, but would have to go through NY Family Court.
OW called here tonight as well. 1st time I answered - she must have gotten a new # and I didn't know it was her. uh - it jsut hit me, of course she got a new # last week after calling the cops on SO. Anyway - she asked for SO, I said can I take a message and she said she would call back. I still didn't know it was her until she called later in the evening and SO took the call. I just stayed in the kitchen on the other side of the house while he was on the phone. And, wouldn't you know it, he came in and accused me of eavesdropping - even though he saw me sitting in there. Whatever. I didn't argue the point. Just let him rant - then he said "I'm not having this conversation" and he walked away.
When he went to bed, he said he "had" to sleep in "our" room at least one more night. He asked if I was sleeping on the couch. I asked back, "Do you want me to sleep on the couch?" He said no. I have a raging headache (go figure) and he gave me one of his pain pills for it earlier so he asked if I still had it (the headache). I told him I wasn't sure where I would be sleeping, but probably in the bedroom. He said OK and went to bed.
I'm trying to just let everything go. JUST LET IT GO, NM! I asked him if he heard from the realtor and he said she was supposed to let him know today. Nail biting until then. In the meantime, I'm staying away from him and out of his line of fire. I only speak to him when spoken to.
All day long I kept thinking about how badly I've regressed since he moved back in. Holding everything in today took all the strength I possessed. This weekend felt like "the bomb" all over again for some reason and it hit me (and hurt me) just as badly as the first time around.
I wish I could find my DB book. I've packed it somewhere and can't figure out where I put it. I just have to remember to retreat back to dark. Let him go - it's all about him. He sees me as the root of all problems right now and I won't be able to do anything right in his eyes, so I need to stay out of his eyesight.
As a matter of fact, perhaps a new 180 for me would be to encourage his R with OW.
NNP - I don't see how I'm going to be able to do this financially either. My intent is to go back to work, but that's barely going to cover childcare expenses. And, when I point the finances out to him, he tells me I'm just making excuses. Never mind that he had difficulties paying the $750/month on his apartment - my rent's going to be more. But, I can't argue with him because he views it as me being difficult and trying to find excuses not to move out. We do have some money set aside for rent and daycare, but of course it will run out. Even with me working and adding to it, it will only sustain me for a few months. I will have to go to court and get child support in place.
Whitelight - thanks for your prayers. I hope you're including SO in them because I think he needs it more than I do right now.
NM, this is breaking my heart for you that you don't have the resources to get out of there. Can family not help you financially, or loan you a car? Where are your parents (forgive me for not remembering if you've posted about your R with your family before). You need to take advantage of the kindness of people right now who can help you. How are your kids? Please try to call some agencies there for help (I KNOW, nobody wants to do that but I think you NEED to at least for the short term). I am worried about you and the kids.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Not much to add from me NM. I just wanted to give you a ((((NM)))) and tell you to hang in there. I really hate that things have come to this, but I KNOW you will be ok. You are a fighter and this is one battle you WILL win... to have your kid's/your happiness back that is. Everything else will come.
So, my new perspective - one of letting it all go, so far is working. Working for me, I don't really care if it works for SO or not. And, I call him "SO" loosely, lol, not quite ready to use XSO yet, and can't come up with any better acronyms - if ya'll have any ideas let me know. Besides AH (a$$hole) lol. Kidding. See, I CAN bounce back!!
Good news - I have decided to get my real estate license again. I got it in 2000, but let it expire with my last employer as I didn't need it in that field and she (my boss, the owner) wasn't comfortable with me having my license in any other office that was a direct competitor. Understandable at the time; stupid of me in the long term. Oh well, it's just another $350 of SO's money (lmao) and I can get it in less than a month. So, I will. WTH do I have to lose?
And, D3 is enrolled in pre-school. Yeah! Although SO wasn't happy with the amount of the check I wrote. HAH! Although my reasons for putting her in this school are because it's cheaper than any daycare I could find. He just doesn't comprehend how much this stuff costs. Even when it's right there in B&W in front of him. Her school is only going to cost $290 per MONTH, and daycare would cost $175.00 per WEEK! So, I wrote a check for 2 months; plus the registration fee, book fee, insurance fee - came to almost $800. I thought he was going to faint. I'm laughing, but too damned bad. He can write it off on his taxes. He wants me out - this is what it's going to cost. It ain't cheap, baby! (Just my bitchy side coming out here, I calmly showed him the paperwork for both school and daycare; asked if he wanted me to pull her out of the school and enroll her in the daycare - he said no.)
Also, you guys know I'm not the best DBer here. Not by a long shot. I try to admit when I've done things completely wrong. I packed my book away because the damned thing always gives me hope when I read it. I guess, looking back over the weekend, and the time since SO moved back in, I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt about the reasons "WHY" he was moving back. I mistakenly took it, even though he only hinted at wanting to get back with me - well, I guess I took it too much to heart. So, when OW stays in the picture, well - this past weekend, SO bringing OW to "our" place - the place where we first fell in love; the place where we've been able to go by ourselves; well - it was like MY last "thing" that I had to hold on to was taken from me. And spoiled by OW being there. It hurt me far deeper than anything else he's ever done with her. I guess maybe because all the memories he's had there were, up until now, with me; now he's always going to have memories of her there as well. That cuts me.
I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it did. Coupled with all the lies he told everyone; the things I found out that I didn't know about him; the stress of trying to find a place to live (in 3 different areas). All of it damn near caused me to blow. I regret now telling his father everything; I regret telling his mother what I told her. Not because SO has found out; but - well, I don't even know why.
If I was truly DBing - none of where he takes OW; what he says to OW; or even what he says to his family should really be of any concern to me. But it all got to me. I'm dealing with a man who is part MLC; part plain old WA. He's got his anxiety attacks and physical illnesses partly brought on by the way he handles problems. Perhaps manic; obsessive; or even (God-forbid) narcissistic tendencies.
I realized that every time there was a crisis in our R, I've always stepped up to the plate when things got out of control. I would let him go until he couldn't fix things on his own and then I would take over. I haven't done that this time. I didn't step in and make demands or give an ultimatum about OW. I haven't tried to assist in his financial difficulties (I mean managing the money as opposed to going back to work). I haven't repaired his damaged friendships or family ties because of the problems caused by his R with OW. I haven't done any of that stuff - the "fix it" stuff, anyway, that he had previously relied on me to do.
As far as OW, I'm resigned to the idea that "they" will continue to have a fantasy of what things will be like until "I'm out of the picture." If I were to continue to live here, it will just keep their R in fantasy-mode. And I can't compete with that. So, I will do my best to - I hesitate to say "encourage", but at least take away the clandestine, taboo, illicit status that they had previously.
And, I may even go out on a date! Well, not really a "date", but an "I've got a friend I want you to meet" kind of thing my friend suggested to me the other day.
All right - D2's up from her nap, so, back later with the rest that's running through my head. I need to get it out. LOL And SO will be at work tonight, so perhaps my kids will let me get on here for a bit!!
Still nothing about the rental. This has me so on edge.
And, I guess because the R with OW is supposed to be flourishing, now I'm dealing with her calling here. Can I say *%^$@#! I'll say it here, because outwardly towards SO I'm acting calm and serene. To the point that he mentioned how different I've been these last few days. Fine, let the naive little fool call here if she wants. Let her put demands and pressure on SO because I'm not. And yeah, he's still sleeping in "our" room, and exerting effort into getting me to ML with him.
I'm trying to get this out of my system here. SO saw OW called, but has made no attempt to call her back. That means she'll probably call again. He's out in his garage, and I'm not answering. Let her wonder.
Talked with SO's step-mother last night. I explained to her in more detail what I thought was going with SO - mentally, anyway. I really have no idea how much should be left to the depression he's in; whether it's MLC - which I think is some of it - or WTH is going on with him. He has stopped taking the xanax. I suggested he get it refilled. This was after he tried to take a nap and came out after an hour saying all he could do was lay there shaking and crying. I could see his eyes were red; but made no comments.
Oh, found my DB book last night. After ripping through every box I had packed, it wasn't in any of them. So, I looked in my "usual" hiding place and there she be. Duh!
Oh! While typing this - just got an email from a local real estate company. Yeah, they want to interview me! Who-hoo. And, I believe they pay for half the tuition costs!
Well, last night was excruciating. OW calling here several times. Didn't leave any messages. SO was in the garage each time she called. When he came in, the phone rang again. He looked at the ID, then looked at me and asked how many times she called. I shrugged, said I'm not sure. He didn't pick up.
After D7 was in bed, he went to the computer and said "if she calls again, I'm going to have to take it." I said "OK". He asked, "you're being very calm about this." I said "Well, if I have to accept it, I have to accept it. If I have to accept her in your life, then I have to. No big deal."
He gets online, I watch TV. At one point, I looked over and saw he was chatting with her online. No comment, I just laid in a position where I could NOT see him or the computer.
While dually chatting with her, he was talking out loud with me. Asking me if I had plans for the weekend. I said I may go out with some friends. Who? Where? When? Etc, etc. I remained vague. He asked if there was going to be any men there. I said perhaps, I didn't know all my plans yet but when I had something set up, I would let him know. He went on & on demanding details. I said, "SO, when I don't live here anymore you aren't going to know, so why the need to know now? I have nothing concrete yet." I kept trying to change the subject, pretending to be completely absorbed in the TV.
He asked something about me moving out along the lines of "Is it going to be OK for me?" (Not sure what he meant). I said Yes, it will be fine. He asked about what I was going to do about work. I relayed the info about the realty company interview. He was quite surprised. He said it would be "no big deal" if the rental fell through. I asked, "Why don't the two of you just get your own place together?" He said, "I tried that and it didn't work. I hated it. I hated not being here. This is what I've worked for and where all my things are." I said, OK, just asking. He asked, "You don't think I'm going to have her move in here, do you?" No response from me. Pretending to be engrossed in TV. Finally got the subject changed.
He heads to bed, asking "Are you coming?" I respond, in a little while.
This is so crazy. And still no word yet on the rental.
Well, not really a "date", but an "I've got a friend I want you to meet" kind of thing my friend suggested to me the other day. 
I suggested he get it refilled. This was after he tried to take a nap and came out after an hour saying all he could do was lay there shaking and crying. I could see his eyes were red; but made no comments. 