TJ...You are such a sweetheart. Thanks for stopping by my neck of the woods. (And the hug -- right back at ya!)
Yeah...we've been through a lot....I just realized my year "anniversary" for being on here has just passed. Everone having a drink right now, raise a toast to me! (insert BIG eye roll).
OK...Sara...I know what you mean. At this point, I think we would all be better off just getting the eff out! Today he tells me - don't worry about it, you don't have to go - just stay here. My reply: "How can I stay here knowing you want me gone?" He says: It will be fine. I say: "No, it won't be fine. I will do whatever I can to find a place. I'll give it another 2 weeks and see what happens." He wanted to say more, but, being on the anti-DB roll I was on - I put my hand up to stop him from saying anything further and said "Let's just leave it alone and see what happens. No need to talk about it anymore right now."
Yesterday was actually hell before I got to leave here. I had to wait until after 1, to time it right to get to my 1st sisters house (just to visit for a bit)...she lives 5 minutes from where Sister #2 works....I was bringing my truck & kids to SIs #2, and taking her truck while she went on to her house with the girls. (Side note, SO still refuses to mention anything to the kids and family about all this.) But anyway - SO spent the entire 2 hours we saw him (before we left) laying on the couch crying. I finally got PO'd and told him to knock his crap off. He said he couldn't help it and why was I acting cold & mean. I told him not to take it personally, but if I didn't start acting like this wasn't bothering me, I would be crying as well. I told him I was hurt and bewildered and didn't understand all of what he was going through. I also asked why he was crying when this was his decision and all I was doing was respecting his wishes. I told him if I acted like a bitch to him now, he perhaps wouldn't feel so bad when we left. This just made him cry all the more. I know there was more a lot more talk between us, including me at one point bringing up OW. I actually asked him, asked if he was in love with her and if he wanted to be with her and wanted to have our kids involved with her then he needed to tell me. He denied it. Also denied being in any kind of contact with her. I again stressed to him that if that was what he wanted then he should just tell me so it would make things easier. Denied, denied, denied. Ok, WHAT ever.
When I left, he asked if I was coming back and I told him I didn't know. Which, I really didn't have any idea what I was going to end up doing. I threw a couple of things in a bag, but hadn't made up my mind because I was just so sick about the whole thing. I did end up staying at my sisters overnight. He called my cell numerous times throughout the afternoon/evening, but I hit ignore each time. Then he called my sisters house around 7 this morning wondering why I never called him. Whatever. He had also left 2 VM's on my cell and emailed.
So, the rental. The house was actually promising from the outside. Inside, not so great. I thought ceilings were supposed to be at least 8 ft? LOL This one was only about 6 or 6 1/2. And I'm not kidding - I'm tall - 5'10" {without heels} and I was ducking my head the whole way through. The landlord even made a comment about it. Anyway - he had 5 other people there looking at it besides me, plus took 2 calls while he was showing it, then stated he was showing it through Sunday. ....And, it wasn't available until 9/01, which is a problem as school starts 8/28 in that district. It didn't really sit well with me anyway - the inside was from 1950 and has never been updated - and I'm not kidding. I don't think I'd even take it if it was just ME and not with any kids. But, I sent the application in anyway.
And so, I keep looking. And I'll keep looking until the 15th or so. By then, it will be cutting things too close for the start of school. But, until that time comes - one day, one newspaper, at a time. I even had SO here earlier, had him sit right behind me while I was on the computer looking at the rentals in the papers. Don't want him to think I'm bullshit!ing him in my efforts or anything.
Next week, I'll be gone most of it. Going to my sisters again. The county fair is going on - we take the kids every year. She took a vacation week so we're going to take the girls school shopping (her D7 and my D7); one day to the fair, and another day either to a zoo or something. While I'm up there I'll look around for more rentals as well.
And that's it for today. I'm sure the weekend will bring more from SO.
I think it is highly likely that once you find a place and begin to move that he will "break" and beg you to stay. That would be just empty words though unless he is ready to give up the OW compeltely and do the work needed to repair your relationship.
I fear that you are not going to find a place and then be trapped there, with him in limbo and instead of him realizing what he needs to do he will be able to continue to blame you for everything.
I think it is nuts that he wants you and your (both of your) children to move out of your home. What is he thinking with? How can you guys afford for all of you to live somewhere else any better than you can afford for him to live in his apt?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
WOW, more than 2 weeks since I've been on here. Hope everyone is doing well...I have to spend some time catching up.
Recap of "events":
Big blowup Sunday, 8/6 - complete with OW calling, demanding to speak to me & telling me she doesn't have "a problem" with me; me making SO leave the house that night - sheer craziness - very ugly scene
Monday 8/7 - Another blowup - OW calling again, me packing up the kids and leaving for sisters one day early.
That week, SO says he found a 3 BR duplex - is going to look at it for me - it's a couple hundred more than what I would feel comfortable with on rent; he says the place is great but it's out of D7's school district - begs me to tell him what to do. I refuse - tell him to do whatever he wants. If he thinks it's suitable for us, then take it; if not, pass. He asks me "can you come back home tonight". I refuse.
I eventually come back...3 days after I originally planned; timing it so that we arrived when I knew he had to leave for a wedding. He was all over me; no words of missing me or anything, just trying to get me into bed. Denied.
During the next week, I keep looking in papers; not finding anything. On the 15th, lo & behold a place in our current town pops up. It's expensive, but not as much as the other one. We look at it. It's fabulous - nicer than our own home...lol. I tell him it is still a little more expensive than I'm comfortable with (his reply - then you can just move back here!!!). So far, I've told him to move forward with the paperwork, and he hasn't. I see the rental app sitting downstairs. Shrug.
Yesterday, I found a place back in our hometown. Made an appointment, told him to watch the 2 younger girls and went to look at it. Left a deposit. There is another person with a deposit on it as well; and the house is also for sale. Which has me very uncomfortable. But, I don't feel like I have much choice.
I've also been on two job interviews - both have actually been offered to me. They are around here where I currently live - so far, I've not done anything. I have a little time to make a decision, and quite frankly - neither one of them pays enough for me to make it on my own, so I don't know what to do.
Oh, and, more drama. THE icing on the cake. I just found out that OW is now claiming pregnancy. Jeez, who would have thunk it (dripping sarcasm.)
This all becoming too much to handle. I feel like SO has really turned crazy. on one hand, I love him deeply. But, I'm starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with him. He literally is changing his mind; says one thing, then the polar opposite - in a split second. He goes from one extreme to the other. Tells me he knows he loves me; but then the next says he knows it's best for us to split up. Says he's not involved with OW; then sneaks out to call her.
He doesn't know I heard about the pregnancy thing; I'm keeping that to myself.
Anyway - have to go now. I know this update isn't too well written. I'm hoping SO works tomorrow night (he's been letting others handle his bar remotes for the last 2 weeks) so that I can have some time to myself and perhaps give a better update and also check up on others.
Sara, GH, RB; PARob; whitelight - hope you all are doing well. Oldtimer - if you're still around - hope life with Newcomer is going well! FYI - I think of your advice to me (in the past) very often!
You are making some strong steps forward. I'm really happy for you.
I think that's really mean of SO to tell you you can always come back to the house. Just keep moving forward like you're doing, he'll try to drag this out as long as he can.
OW Pregnant? She's not too sharp is she? Who would want to get pregnant during this whole escapade???
You can do soooooooo much better. This guy is seriousely mentally ill.
And the more you get your own new life established, the more clarity it will bring and the better you will feel.
Plus, I think there's a really great guy out there for you. You're so great, I just know that other people must see it too.
What can I say....I really think that you know what's best for you in this situation and from all appearances, you seem to be handling just right. Its tough, I know, but you have got to do what is best for you and your children. SO seems a bit unstable and, quite frankly, just downright confused. I'm really sad for you that it has worked out this way, but judging from your character (at least to the extent that character can be evaluated via cyberspace, lol) you seem to be very strong.
Again, sorrry to see you in this place, but I think that in some ways, it has allowed you to finally come to terms with "what is" and allowed you to make rational decisions. Good luck in anything you do and make sure you keep us posted!
Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Last night a phone call came in after 10. In our house, no one calls after 9 unless it's an emergency or trouble.
SO got the call while I was in the bathroom. I eavesdropped and heard him say a bunch of "yeses"; "OK's"; "I moved back home" and "she's already called me a couple of times today". After he got off, I came out and asked "who was that?". D7 was still up and he looked at her and said "I'll tell you later."
D7 goes to bed; SO goes to the bedroom. I go in and ask again who the call was from. He says he doesn't want to talk about it. I ask again. Again he says to just let it go. I go check the caller ID and see it's the County Sheriff's Office. WTF??? I go back to the bedroom and ask "Is she pressing charges against you or something? What's going on?" He finally says he's been acting nuts. Called her a whole bunch of times, etc, etc. I let him talk a few minutes, then I didn't know what to say. I say "I'm going on a cigarette run (guaranteed at least 1/2 hour for me to collect my thoughts) need anything?"
I go and come back. He gets up for a few minutes; we are in the kitchen. Only talked very little - I really didn't know what to say to him. He goes back to bed; I make a sandwich.
As I'm heading to the living room, he tells me to come to the bedroom and sit with him. Asks "Am I that crazy? Am I that bad that I push people to this?" I said "Yes. You never stop." He asks, "Do I get mean?" I said "Yes. Remember when I called the cops on you? You wouldn't stop, SO. You just wouldn't stop. And you go on until you break someone." He started crying. Says "No reason for you to move out now." I say - "Yes, there's still every reason for me to move out. Especially now."
Anyway - none of that really matters. Today, I see that his mother's account has an email. We set up an account for her years ago for when she's here; she rarely uses it, I usually go in and delete the junk out of it - usually when I see there's mail or whatever. Not very often - usually every couple of months.
Today, something tells me to check it. The previously stored password has been changed. (Eyebrows go UP) Now, don't freakin' ask me how I did this, but a hunch gave me an idea and I typed in a guess at a password (that SO has used in the past) and it worked. I check the old/deleted/sent boxes. From what I can figure, SO emailed OW last night while I was out...from his mothers account, pretending to be the mother and asking what was going on. The OW answered her this morning, saying she'd write more this afternoon; requesting her phone # to call her and speak with her directly. The, ahem, "mother" then emails back with a song & dance about not giving it and a bunch of other blah, blah, blah - even so much as including that he's not acting right and wasn't sure if it was because of her (ow) or me & the kids moving out. (I unsent this, BTW.)
My point here, I guess, is what the hell do I do???? Has SO gone that far over the edge?? These are the actions of someone with some serious mental issues. Besides the fact that last night, even after the call, and today - he's trying to get me into bed with him!!
And, I swear guys, the last few months - this was never the SO I used to know. I don't know what's happened to him. The double life, the lies, the stress contributing to his physical illnesses - I don't know what to do. I'm beginning to get scared. Not scared for my life - but scared for him. His mental balance is disintegrating rapidly. Should I intervene somehow? Do I let him crash & burn?
I have no idea what to do.
Oh - and PS - I'm pretty sure the whole pregnancy thing was just bullsh!t from OW - used as some kind of scare tactic. I did some checking, call it snooping, but whatever - I needed to know some things, and there's pictures of her on her friends website drunk, and with pix of alcohol in her hands. I doubt she's pregnant. Just another immature kid stunt.
Who knows - the mentality of these two nut jobs - maybe they really do belong together. Crazy is as crazy does.
OK, how terrible is this. SO is gone for the night and I am so relieved I don't have to deal with him tonight.
I'm sitting here wondering what MY problem is. I unsent the earlier email, with the thought that I was doing something good. Perhaps helping to "save" him or something- from being arrested, losing his job, looking utterly insane - who knows - but that was my thought when I did it.
All day I've been wondering - should I call his mom and question her? The email he sent said something about him having been admitted to a hospital when he was a teenager for psych problems. Something I never knew. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm afraid if I talk to his mom, she's a blabbermouth - I don't want it getting back to him until I'm ready for it. Nor do I want the rest of his family to hear it. At least not yet.
But, is any of this MY business? That's what I'm questioning. I see he took the rental application tonight when he left (for the house here in D7's school district). Do I just move out - wash my hands of all this whole mess??
Do I try and help him? Do I have some kind of co-dependent, must help everyone syndrome myself? Am "I" the crazy one for thinking he's in desperate need of help instead of seeing him as a lying cheating bastard and just walking away from him? Am I any better having snooped in the email account? And, he's not said one word about "us"...other than he's confused, doesn't want to make any of the decisions, and doesn't know what to do.....
Again, last night in our talk, I asked him "Do you love her and want to be with her?" He says no. I mean - he won't take me out; makes no promises about a future with me - but, oh yeah, he'll sleep with me. And still, when given every opportunity to admit to wanting to be with OW - he won't do it? Why not? Is he afraid to hurt me? But he knows I know what's going on. Is he afraid of looking bad to me? Well, duh. Is he really that confused? Or just a schmuck?
Then - there's our kids. I have to deal with this man for the rest of my life. As long as we share kids - there's no real way to have him out of my life completely. No matter whether I love him or not. Do I try and help for the benefit of our kids? Stop the interference (from today, is what I'm talking about) and let the chips fall where they may, knowing the OW isn't stupid and she's going to see "his" mannerisms (and spelling errors) in the emails he's sending? Perhaps he should be arrested and lose his job. However, that will ultimately result in me & the kids being homeless as I would never be able to afford the mortgage on our house (that is if I were to stay here.)
And that's another thing. Seeing how unstable things are (HE is) - do I continue to find another place to live??? Or should I stay put?
Again - is this is any of my damned business???????? I don't know who to talk to. My friends - they'll all say GET OUT while you still can. His mom - I'm terrified she's going to run her mouth. My family - they'll tell me to get out, too.
