Ellie -
Everything you wrote - well, it's all run through my mind. Plus a few others for good measure. I've been wondering exactly what he's telling her. But, I also wonder - does it make a difference? I mean, really. He's never come this far back before. And not in this way.
Today I said to him again that I wouldn't take her calls and if there was something I should know, that I hoped he would be the one to tell me.
He showed up here this afternoon; also parking his car behind the house so it couldn't be seen. That has me nervous. I didn't think she knew where our house was, but any fool with his real name and mapquest could find us easily.
We didn't do any talking. I didn't want to get into anything, so I made sure the atmosphere stayed away from any of that. Just didn't feel the need today. Still processing; taking it one at a time. It was odd for him to come out here, but good, too. He has to work at the bar tonight, so him coming here hasn't been the norm since he's had his own apartment. Said he can't sleep well at his place and wanted to be here where he could sleep better.
I still haven't had time to do any thinking today. Organize my thoughts or anything, but I plan to later after the kids settle down. I just have to get some of this out of me and I need to it here instead with SO. At least for now. So, more later.
Looks like I may get locked out, too. So new thread...
This is the big, burning question in my mind. The biggest. Why is SO doing this? All he's said so far is it's the "right" thing to do? I want to ask - isn't there a part of you that loves me? And what feelings does he have yet for OW? Does he really want to be with her? And for some reason this is just the easier option? Why is he doing this?
Why can't I shake the feeling that he's not doing this because he wants to be with me?
I am NOT suggesting you do this... but I can tell you that so many days I wish that I had gotten a clear answer to this question from my H the night that he re-canted and said he didn't want to leave and never had wanted to leave.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Well, all I can tell you is that once the R supposedly shifts from a WAS/LBS situation to reconciliation, the rules change somewhat and I think there needs to be more openness (yea, I'll try to take my own advice here too, lol) and you should be able to ask these kinds of questions. What's the worst that happens? He thinks about it decides that he doesn't know why he's back and thus should leave again?
My point is that I too don't know if you should do it today, or ever tomorrow, but at some point, I think it's entirely appropriate for him to answer WHY he's back.
My W just kinda did that when she "came back" so I didn't really have to ask, but I know if she didn't do that (and really, even though she did, I STILL want to ask more about it) I would feel a strong urge to ask her.
I would say just give him a bit of time. He may come out with it on his own. Then, if you still need to know and too much time is passing, ask him.
Quote: This is the big, burning question in my mind. The biggest. Why is SO doing this? All he's said so far is it's the "right" thing to do? I want to ask - isn't there a part of you that loves me? And what feelings does he have yet for OW? Does he really want to be with her? And for some reason this is just the easier option? Why is he doing this?
Why can't I shake the feeling that he's not doing this because he wants to be with me?
This is what I'm struggling with the most.
Oh boy. This is something that I think is inevitable in our sitches. I'm nervous about this too. Do they really love us? If they're not returning because of love, are they going to "play" us again? What is the benefit of knowing his motivations? What if he is doing the right thing just to do the right thing? Would you feel any differently about having him back in your life? You KNOW that he cares about you, but this whole experience with OP has caused LOVE to be redefined. Eventually, you will have to reconcile your definitions, but I don't think this time is close.
The fact that you are concerning yourself with this worries me a little because it represents a large risk of backsliding in your sitch. You are almost looking to him to give you your self worth. You know you're worthy of his love, and the end result of his return is that he's chosen to return. What's the difference whether it's because of love, fear, boredom, or something completely different? The reality is that you now have a huge opportunity.
I know this goes against all our romantic ideals - but that's something that I, for one, have had to completely give up on as a result of this sitch. I know that any vision I have of my W running back to me, who's standing there with open arms, realizing how much she really loved me, and living happily ever after is just as much a fantasy as the idea that our WASs will run off to a new and better life with their OP. The situation is what you make it. My feeling is that if you look for his motivations you'll do nothing but damage your R. You won't feel good about what you find, because it will never be quite good enough a reason, and he won't feel good about you questioning him.
Now, even though I said what I did - I think that I may be viewing the situation without really understanding it, and I think this might be because you don't really understand it either. It seems that there's not really been a whole lot of direct communication about what exactly is happening. As long as this is the case, I would assume that nothing has changed and you need to keep the focus on you. You still have a lot of opportunity to push him away. Needing him to prove his intentions, while I think is normal, is going to put a lot of pressure on someone who likely already is under a lot of pressure just dealing with his own decisions and life. Don't shift your focus. Do appreciate what you've got!
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
NM - I would venture to say many - if not most - WASs try to save face by telling the OW they "have" to go home. What's their alternative, really? Admit that all the stuff he fed her was lies, lies, lies? Tell her he realized he really does love the LBS and the affair was all a huge mistake?
He is probably hedging his bets with you in the same way - saying he "has" to come home - but don't be fooled. He's just saving face. You haven't been pressuring him at all lately - in fact, notice that when you dropped the rope and started to seriously consider moving that he suddenly "had" to come home?
He's coming home because he WANTS to be with you, no matter what else he says.
First of all, thanks for the slogan, that was then this is now. It's been running in my head all day and it really helps!!!
Secondly, especially with your guy, actions speak louder than words. During the time you've been on here, we've found out that many of his words were lies etc. So yes, look at the actions!
OK, I'm not ignoring any advice anyone giving me, really. Haven't had much time to read & post.
Yet, regarding all this, this is the 2nd morning I've woken up to SO having away messages on his screen name that are directed at OW. One's that are sad and sappy, quoting blue song lines.
I'm about ready to send him an email that I've seen them and he can shove off. I mean, I'm not snooping, he knows he's in my buddy list, for pete's sake. And it makes me feel like crap and it makes me really, really PO'd.
