I'm so excited to be in Piecing! I've been in Newcomers since Feb '05, and throughout this past year I almost moved into several different forums - depending on where things were at. Well, I'm glad that my story has a happy ending - or, at least, I'm in a much happier place than where I was a year ago.
I'm not sure if I should post my whole story or if many of you already know me. My H had an EA for about a year, during which time we were separated. We just got back together in January and are now living together again. Things are going very well - on the outside. He seems extremely happy to be together and totally in love with me. He just wants to put everything in the past. I, however, am just starting to deal with the anger and hurt and seem to waver between being happy and in love and almost hating him! Is this normal? I really think it would be helpful for us to get some counselling, but H is set against it, saying that it only causes more harm than good, and that we can sort things out ourselves. He keeps reassuring me that he loves me deeply, is committed to me for the rest of our lives, and that time will heal my pain. When I'm with him, I agree and feel confident in our R, but when we're apart during the day, I immediately start to feel insecure and angry. Any advice on how to work through this?
Also, the OW is actually moving away next week (woohoo!!) and won't be at H's work anymore, but there are still reminders for me of her and the whole negative experience of him leaving (I actually didn't even know about her until a few weeks before we got back together). It seems like everything - whether it's a neighbourhood, a restaurant, a song, his car (he drove her to work everyday) all remind me of what I went through. Will this pass? And what about the questions like who was he thinking about when we ML (we had S while we were separated). I know it might be silly to worry about such a thing, but I wonder. Or songs that he burned on CDs - was he thinking about her at the time?
For the most part, I've been very loving with H and have only brought these concerns up on a few occasions - but I worry that these constant negative feelings are going sabotage what is still a fragile M. Any advice any of you can give me would be so appreciated!!
Quote: It seems like everything - whether it's a neighbourhood, a restaurant, a song, his car (he drove her to work everyday) all remind me of what I went through. Will this pass?
Of course this will pass. Your still on the rollercoaster ride. Your going to have good days and bad days. Everything will scare you at first. Like your first fight. But I'm here to tell you that it all gets easier. My attitude has shifted with my H. Its been almost 10 months since hes back, and I'm not worried about him cheating anymore. I keep telling myself that he had once chance and if he blows it again, it sucks to be him. He'll lose everything he has in his life, and if thats what he wants then thats what he can have. I guess what I'm saying is that I got tired of walking on egg shells.
Quote: but I worry that these constant negative feelings are going sabotage what is still a fragile M
Time will heal kiddo....
You must remember that the waves that knocked the boat over on its side didn't just happen. Its took awhile for it all to go down, and its going to take awhile to rebuild. Your going to feel really high and happy and giddy like a teenager, then your going to crash and wonder why this crap happened to you and not someone else. Your going to question why you decided to save your M, then your going to give advice to someone else about saving their M, and how it was all worth it.
Your not alone.... Dbing is a lifetime activity.
Well done for coming as far as you did!!!!!
PLW
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
please read my first post on this board "H back, feel so unloved"
For the longest time I was consumed with images about my H's EA with FF, about the outings and the mass amount of $$ my H spent on her, would think about it until I got sick. Still struggling with that past and how in the devil he got himself, well, not us, into 10k debt.
You know what good we get out of thinking about the past and OP? NOTHING, well, one thing, we become bitter and resentful and bring back our progress one step back each time. I totally understand you, it is really hard to just not think about it, but when those thoughts assalt you, think about what you want to do NOW, I have to repeat to myself "love is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
Do not ask any more detail about the EA anymore, let sleeping dogs lie. I also thought about little details to death, and I also learned about the EA when it was just over. Yes, they went out with them, thought about them a lot, devoted time and $$ because they wanted to compensate for their own unfullfillment, not because our H's loved them, but because they wanted to feel like something was going right for them when they felt their own M's werent' working. It wasnt' about the OP, it was about their own void they thought they were filling, but in the end the truth came out,our H's are with us now, they CHOOSE us, remember that.
I can see this is fresh in your mind, I assure you you will get over this, it will become a faded memory. Devote your time and thoughts to how you can make your marriage better now, each time you have negative thoughts counteract them by how you can become closer to him, feed the good thoughts.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Think all of us have that feeling of panic attacks when we suddenly have a piece of history that zap into our brains and make our emotions go haywire. Funny thing is that it only happens when we are apart. When we are together, there is no such incidences... guessed our subconcious mind is afraid that he will go off looking/talking/thinking about the ow.
