I'm still around...mostly lurking, reading up on a few people. Not as much time to post anymore--which is good, means I've been busy at work.
I'm feeling kind of blah from the appointment. I'll be all right. I took some advil, and that helped. Looking forward to going home, though. Just waiting for the test results, now. A little worried, but not terribly. Things will be okay.
Yeah, when I mentioned I was thinking of cooking lessons, H jumped at it. Said he wanted to come, too. Should be fun. H is so interested when I tell him all of the R stuff I have learned--he really seems fascinated by it all. He goes around explaining the 5LL to people now! (We're going to pick up the book sometime.)
I think QT must be important to him, because he's always coming up with ways for us to spend time together. He even told me he misses being able to run errands with me at 3am! (When I was unemployed a few months back.)
Thanks for stopping in. I'll let you know when I hear back from the doctor.
Nev- I'm glad everything went well with the doctor - I know exactly the feeling you're talking about. Remember to give yourself some extra TLC!
Things in my corner are going well, except for some hormonal weirdness from a new form of BC. This is my H's final weekend with his shop, he is both sad and relieved to be finished with it. We have a really busy week this week, with two birthdays and moving everything from the shop to our house.
Here's a gentle hug and well wishes, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Myrrh, thanks for stopping in. Right now I'm day-dreaming about curling up on the couch in pajamas with a cup of hot tea. I can't wait to get out of work...
I know how the BC can be. I recently switched to the patch--which I love!--but it's always a transition. Every time I start a new form of BC, my boobs grow. And not just a little bit. (H didn't complain... ) It usually takes me 3-4 months to feel settled again.
Quote: What a relief! I am glad to hear that BC changes are not always easy for everyone.
It's like the big secret of BC. Hell, it's like the big secret of being a woman. Nobody ever talks about this stuff. I usually suffer through sore breasts and (mild) morning sickness the first three or four months of BC. I was hoping this last time since it was just a switch, no gaps, that I wouldn't have that. Wrong! Oh...and did you know...according to Yahoo! health...it's a myth that your breasts can grow with BC.
I'm feeling better today. Still uncomfortable, but better. H was very, very sweet last night--very attentive. He wasn't sure what to do, but was very happy to take care of me when I told him what I needed.
A couple of interesting things I noticed...
Last night, H kept verifying with me that he was doing what made me feel better. Like, when we were comparing families (a whole different story!) I commented that his is very selfish. (Don't get me wrong, I love them, and he knows that. They can just be self-centered...I think it's a survival mechanism.) He agreed, even agreed that he was. Then he got this puppy-dog look and said he wasn't selfish to me...was he? Okay, so he can be. But he tries sooo hard...I just think that being conscientious is actually a learned trait. So I reassured him that he was, and that he was taking very good care of me.
He also told me last night, while we were out, that he is not a very good person, that he's done lots of bad things in the past. (He was promiscuous, and didn't think twice about involving himself with married women.) I told him I didn't care, because that's the past, and we all make mistakes--it just makes him human. I told him how I got what I always wanted...to be married to him. He always really brightens up when I say that kind of stuff. Must be really reassuring for him.
The other day, while we were watching Friends, he commented that the episode we were watching taught him something. It was where Ross goes out with Rachel's younger sister, but turns down her advances because he didn't want to rule out the possibility of his getting back together with Rachel in the future. H said he watched that episode right around the time we seperated, and that he knew then he couldn't sleep with anyone else if he wanted me back.
And, last night, while we were watching Friends, H even commented that it wasn't right for Richard to interfere with Monica and Chandler's relationship. That he didn't think it was right for Richard to go find Monica so that he could tell her he still loved her--H didn't like that Richard was, on some level, trying to interfere.
I never realized how much H picked up from TV about morality and relationships. (Although he seems to be learning some decent lessons!) The idea that you learn from your parents what an R/M should look like is definately true. In H's case...well...his mom left his (abusive) father and was constantly working just to feed her kids. H didn't even have a model. In my case... Well, I did, and my parents have an unusually nice M, but the things I learned from them (sunbconsciously) just don't work with H. He didn't fit into that framework. Kind of like we're both starting from the ground up. Well, there is honestly no one else I would rather do it with.
I'm also beginning to suspect that the seperations and PA happened because H was convinced he would screw up eventually. He used to tell me, even before we got married, that he would mess up. And I would just tell him that I would forgive him. Sounds kind of prophetic now. But I do wonder, sometimes, how much of this was H's self-fulfilling prophecy. Although, I think he (and I) learned a lot, maybe stuff that needed to be learned.
I also had this question rattling around in my head about the PA. Wow...that was almost a year ago... It had been there for a couple of days, but I didn't want to bring it up. I finally, while I curled up on H on the bed, allowed H to see that something was bothering me. He asked what was wrong. (I have learned this approachs is much better than my just bringing things up!) I told him I didn't want to upset him. He said he wanted to know about whatever was bothering me. So I finally told him I wanted to know what he was feeling after he had slept with xow.
He said he just felt rotten. All over, all the time. I told H he reminded me of a person who wasn't even aware of his surroundings. He said he didn't know what was going on until it was too late--and that then he did everything he could to fix it. I said he seemed like someone who was just watching his actions from the outside, like he wasn't actually participating. He just had this haunted look on his face when I brought it up. I dropped it after that, and we had some fun playing with my dog.
And it's funny how his sex drive has increased. He even wanted to when I got home yesterday, but I still can't yet. Ugh...doesn't even sound fun right now. But I'm glad he's so much more interested. It's very healthy for him. I used to have to drag him into bed. I think he's learned how to let some of his personal problems go--at least, with me. He's allowed himself to get more comfortable with me. I offered to take care of him in other ways, but he said he really wanted one thing. I told him it was because I can't right now, and he agreed--we both thought it was funny.
He did go out for a little while last night. I didn't feel at all anxious, which was nice. Not sure when he came home, but he came in and was kind of rattled. I was mostly asleep. He said the cashier at Wal-Mart that's always hitting on him point-blank asked him out. (He says she is short, fat, and unnatractive. I've never seen her, since she works nights.) She's drooled over him on more than one occasion...he'd come home with stories of how she'd (not too subtly) hint at her interest. Anyway, I guess she asked him to lunch the next day.
This always irritates me, because I hate it when someone who is married gets hit on. And now H wears his ring all the time, so it's pretty obvious. I asked what she said whe he told her he was married. He said he told her that his wife wouldn't like that. I think she just asked him out another day, but I can't remember exactly what she said. But he said maybe I should go in with him sometime or that he just wasn't going to go in there anymore.
He was pretty unnerved, makes me wonder if something else happened while he was at the bar. I don't know. I'm going to ask him later how he's feeling. (And make sure to thank him for taking care of me.)
Lots of random thoughts in this one...
I am feeling better today. Certainly not normal, but better.
The nurse called today about the results from the colposcopy. Nothing scary, I just need to go in for the freezing treatment. It's what I was expecting, since with the pap they had run a test for cancer and it came back negative. After the last time, I'm going to see about taking the afternoon off.
I called H, even though it is really early, since I thought he would want to know. (He's been really worried.) He was very sleepy, but glad to hear it.
Interesting weekend. I was feeling a little funny again, and I really think it was hormonal. I hate to put it off to that, but I definately have days when I get emotional even without all the nonsense between H and I. (Like this morning on my way to work!)
Friday I had to do some stuff for work around midnight, H was going into work at around 10pm, and I was tired, so I just stayed in. Saturday I was irritated with my computer, so I decided to work on it. (I bought this 80 gig CD-installation Maxtor for my second HDD, and after reinstalling Windows, it refuses to let me at the data on it. Keeps claiming it needs reformatted. Been driving me crazy! I have my final tattoo design on there, and I want it so I can go get it put on...) Got tired of messing with it, and put the new curtain rod in the bedroom. When I moved, the one I had before was too short, and it gets pretty bright in there by midday. I wanted to get it up so that H would sleep better. (And it did make a big difference...the room even looks nicer.)
So while I'm putting this curtain up, it's about midnight, I've got one foot on the bed and the other on the window sill (it's pretty low), and I hear this loud THUMP followed by a "I KNEW THERE WAS A F******* REASON YOU WEREN'T ANSWERING THE PHONE!" from outside. Okay, I had the window closed and I still heard that. I'm not nosy, but it got me a little concerned. I turned out the lights, opened the window, and cracked the shades. Didn't hear a lot of what was going on, but he and my female neighbor were walking around outside. I'm certain who he was talking to because he said her name, and I had heard that she was seperated.
The guy did calm down, and I could tell they were talking. I heard him at one point say "You're just going to walk away mad?" He did eventually leave. I didn't want to interfere, but that outburst had me a little worried at first, so I just wanted to make sure that she was okay. I never felt like she needed help, so I just stayed out if it...but I wanted to make sure I kept an eye on her, just in case.
The whole thing had me feeling uneasy about H and I. I was happy to see him when he got home. He told me he wanted to take me out to breakfast. It had been awhile since we'd done that... I had even made sure to mention to him earlier on Saturday that I missed him going out to eat with him, even if I was a little grumpy at first when he woke me up. (I decided that was a better approach than griping "why don't you take me out to breakfast anymore?" )
He also took me to Wal-mart to show me the cashier who had been hitting on him--she actually asked him out the last time he was in there. (We need to buy razor blades anyway.) I was wearing fleece sweatpants and an oversized hoodie. She was short and fat and unattractive like he said, but she wasn't a mutant or anything like I had thought. But her reaction was hilarious. She basically walked away as soon as he came up, and pretended she didn't even know him...the woman actually came across as jealous! LOL! Um...yeah... He tried to say hi and be friendly, but she just walked off. How weird is that?? What does these people expect??? I'm sorry, she's talked to my H maybe a half-dozen times... Whatever.
He told me he gets that kind of reaction from women all of the time, and he doesn't understand why. I told him even his "hello" came across as really flirty. (It really does!) He said he wasn't trying to...he didn't understand why people take it that way, but he was sick of it. Said there's several women at both clubs he works at that get that way, then get all huffy when he talks to some other woman. I actually think there's more than a few, having been into one of the clubs numerous times...but whatever. I know it's just how he talks to people, and how he pays attention, and then they think he's interested. I can actually see it happen at times. He doesn't realize how flirty he really is coming across.
Sunday we spent the day together. We played tennis. Which was pretty comical, since I had never played...and I'm not exactly the most natural athlete. Yes I look like I work out. But it's not easy! He was trying to be helpful...I was all over the court...kept popping it or knocking it out of the tennis court. (Yes, I was hitting it that high!) H was trying to correct me--don't hold the racket this way, don't do that. The whole thing made me tense. Not when he would tell me something, but when he would repeat it. I told him repetition doesn't help...I understood what he was saying...it just takes me some time to get my arm to behave the way I want. He said he felt like if he kept repeating it, it might work. Sheesh. It just made me feel bad.
I stuck it out. I know he was having fun. And I know the weight-lifting got me feeling tense at first, too. I think it will be more fun once I've played a little. And I know it was a big deal to him, which is almost just as important as my having fun. He's been doing all kinds of things for me to have fun--renting movies, taking me to breakfast--it's only fair we spend some time the way he wants to.
He's also brought up the idea of his quitting bartending several times recently. Keeps asking if I want him to quit. Well...I'd love for him to get another job...but I'm not going to tell him what to do. He finally said that he wanted to quit because he thought all of the smoke was impairing his ability to exercise. And he asked if I would be mad if he quit working at one of the clubs (he's only there Saturday night). I told him if he wanted to, that was fine with me, and that it would be nice so that we could go out together again. So, we'll see.
H also mentioned he was spending less time talking to a particular female coworker, and that she had felt blown off by him. I asked him why he was talking to her less, and he said he didnn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. (!!!!) This was a big 180 for him--he's always maintained he was going to talk to whomever he wanted, that he didn't have to answer to me if it was just conversation. FCW had started bothering me because he always talked about her--not her and all of the other waitresses. About how she looked cute that night in a particular outfit, or how he liked her hair, or how her new haircut looked good. At first I thought his fascination was because she looks so distinctively Indian. (She's Aztec.) Then he told me he was attracted to her. I never asked him to not talk to her or anything, and he had always made a point to not hang out with her outside of work. But he really had me stunned with this one. It really made me feel sooo much better about us.
I stayed up a little late to watch Psycho with him. (Haha...seems kind of appropriate now...) I'd never seen the original Hitchcock, so that was fun. I remember after he put me in bed, him rubbing on my stomach and talking about babies. I can't wait! I've always wanted to have kids...and I'm so thrilled that he wants to, too, now.
Actually, speaking of crazies, xrm called three times last week. The last message she left sounded like nothing was wrong...like he had never told her to stop calling. Before that, she claimed she was "dead inside" for him because I was pregnant. I almost answered it that last time she called--I asked him, and he wavered, but then it stopped ringing. Darn!
I have it all planned out....what I would say...to get the most effect... I would be very nice, very polite, just say he's not available. I've even thought of some different things to say if she said anything nuts. But I doubt it. After I answered the phone at MIL's, she never called there again. I think it scared her. H also suggested maybe he should call and harass her over the money she owes him. I thought that was pretty funny.
I'm not sure if I read it here on the board, or if it was in DB or DR, but there was a particular success story that always seemed to float around in my head. This woman had been married for a number of years--25? 30?--and her husband had pretty much cheated on her the entire time. Multiple affairs. In the end, DB did work for her, and she got her husband to end their seperation and remain faithful. But what really stuck in my head was her comment...something to the effect that she had gotten both the man she always wanted and the woman she always wanted--her new self.
It didn't make much sense at the time, but now it does.
An older married woman that both H and I know gave me a piece of advice once. She had always wanted us to date, and I think was just about as excited as us that we were going to get married. She told me to make sure and just enjoy being married for a few years before we have kids--to wait at least five years or so. That way, we would have a good foundation first. At the time it didn't make much sense to me. Now, I'm glad we didn't start off having kids right away. I'm hoping we'll have a lot of our major issues worked out before we have any babies.
I understand my H now in a way I never did before. I noticed a couple of times yesterday--we sort of started to argue on a couple of occasions--that a lot of times when we butt heads, it's more because we're misundestanding each other than anything else. On one occasion, he was trying to apologize, and I thought he was still trying to grind in his point.
We recover faster now from these little squabbles. I read that the real measure of the solidity of a relationship is not how often a couple fights, but how well they recover. If that's the case, then we're doing much better than we have in a long time.
There are still things that hurt us both. There was an incident, from our first sep, when my H showed up at a former job I had. I didn't know about DB. I refused to go out and talk to him. My supervisor interpreted H's actions as being...well...border-line stalker. (He had been calling my cell every 20 minutes all day long, and I refused to answer.) I know why my supervisor thought that. H was acting strangely. Security escorted him out of the building. I don't know what happened--I didn't see it--but he told me they treated him very disrepectfully. That they looked down on him, and he was convinced his race played a factor. (He's Mexican Indian, I'm white...we've run into the racial stereotypes in the past. )
There's a part of me that completely understands why my coworkers reacted the way they did. H was acting very, very strangely. He was even worrying me a little. (Although that was the only time I ever had reason to think this about him.) And, to be honest, I've seen H become suscious when other people were behaving the way he was. I think my supervisor's actions were entirely justified. But I would never tell H that. And, in the end, I trusted him...or I wouldn't have gone to talk to him the next day.
I know how badly the whole thing hurts him. And when he brings it up, I just listen. I can't understand his side of it, but I know I can listen.
And I'm still hurt by the whole female roommate mess. Maybe it was an A, and he's still hiding it from me. I really don't believe that, but there are days that I doubt him. In the end, it doesn't matter. Whatever happened, I'm still hurt. So, in the end, the details don't matter. He's told me enough that the rational side of me is convinced there's no reason to believe anything beyond an initial--and short term--EA. And I even doubt that much at times. It's just the nagging, jealous, insecure side that wonders. Again, it doesn't matter. He's answered every question I have ever asked him. It's not going to make my feelings any better...only time will. And it does get better.
I also had a somewhat comforting thought. The whole mess with xow had all of the indications of a full-blown affair. In fact, looking back, I'm surprised H "woke up" as quickly as he did. At the time, I ripped him for not seeing through her sooner. Knowing what I do now, I think he caught on amazingly quick. Yes, unfortunately, it did reach the point of a PA. But it could have easily grown into a full-blown, months-long affair. It didn't. And I have to give H a lot of credit for that.
There are still up and down days. More up than down, and the down aren't nearly as bad now. I actually understand the ILBNILY line now....I've actually had my moments. It's a part of the healing cycle, I've noticed. I get angry, then I get depressed, then I get that numb ILBNILY feeling. It's been part of the healing process. But I realize that that feeling, along with the others, will pass. I realize you need to do loving activities to feel loving towards your spouse. So of course I don't feel all lovey dovey when we're, say, doing chores or paying bills.
Realizing my feelings are transient helps me realize that H's are, as well. He was grumpy yesterday, very snappy. I could have griped back at him. I realized this is a habit I picked up because it worked with my dad. But it doesn't with H. Instead, later last night, I asked him if something was bothering him, because he seemed kind of distant and grumpy. He paused, looked thoughtful, and said he didn't know, but he did feel kind of grumpy. After that he was very attentive and sweet the rest of the evening.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm rediscovering some lost, best friend again. It's a wonderful feeling. We were grocery shopping last night, having fun picking stuff out of the organic aisle. (My new favorite kind of food!) It seems like I had forgotten for awhile how much we had in common...it's a nice feelng to be able to rediscover that about us again.
And he's very loving. Maybe not in the way I always expected. The things that seem natural and automatic to me aren't to him. But it's in all of the little things. Getting me a glass of water when I'm tired. Putting me to bed when I fall asleep on the couch next to him. While I would love it if he'd volunteer to walk the dog more often, he instead got up in the middle of his night to lay on the couch and distract his cat, who was driving me crazy wanting in and out of the bedroom, mewing and clawing at the door. So I could sleep peacefully for another hour before work.
Interestingly, after all of this, I am a much more centered, settled, and peaceful peson. Not what I would have expected to come out of my husband leaving me twice! It takes an intense fire to forge a master sword.
Nev- I second Sage's thanks. The cycle is really tough to deal with - the resentment monster has really been raring its ugly head in the past few days, so H and I have really had some tough spots. I hope as time goes by this process gets easier. Because honestly? It is still very, very hard. Sometimes the anger and pain get huge again, and I don't always roll with it the way I'd like to. Our MC closed our wrap-up session by mentioning that she used to think the way to a successful M after infidelity was to put the past completely behind you, but she now thinks that for H and I to both be patient with the process is a much better goal.
I am trying really hard to be patient with my own process. Lotsa hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Hi Nevanna - I'm so comforted reading your musings
Quote: I actually understand the ILBNILY line now....I've actually had my moments. It's a part of the healing cycle, I've noticed. I get angry, then I get depressed, then I get that numb ILBNILY feeling. It's been part of the healing process. But I realize that that feeling, along with the others, will pass. I realize you need to do loving activities to feel loving towards your spouse. So of course I don't feel all lovey dovey when we're, say, doing chores or paying bills.
This struck a chord. I'm quietly panicking about not having the 'in love' feeling, or even 'gleeful' that Sage refers to, but of course what you say makes sense. This is healing time, not miracle time
Not as much time to post anymore--which is good, means I've been busy at work.
Said he wanted to come, too. Should be fun. H is so interested when I tell him all of the R stuff I have learned--he really seems fascinated by it all. He goes around explaining the 5LL to people now! 
) It usually takes me 3-4 months to feel settled again. 
)