Quote: I think it's important to realize that HPV is a virus, not a STD. Viruses CAN make us sick or cause disease, but often our immune systems are able to ward them off. Sometimes not, and then we show symptoms that reveal more.
Hm. Good point. It does remind me that I did have a series of warts (on the hands) before I even dated him...which could mean that I already had the virus. I haven't had any in years, so my body did at some point learn how to fight it off.
Quote: Ask him to think if he'd be feeling guilty about giving you the flu just because he kissed you on the cheek or held your hand in the movie theater? BTW, most viruses ARE transmitted through our hands...
Good point, I think I will have to point this out to H the next time he brings it up.
GBO--thanks for stopping by. Yes, now I have to do the annual pap... Ah, well. There are worse things that could happen to me.
Quote: ......and hey, it may put some fear (the good, reasonable kind) in H's heart about this type of thing.....
I thought of that, too. Although, it's not like he was ever running around with all kinds of people behind my back. To be honest, the actual PA was only two times. (Still damaging, though.) But hopefully it will just be a little more incentive. That's never a bad thing.
Quote: Hang in there, Nevanna. You're doing so well.
Actually, I'm not feeling too bad now. The pap said I didn't have cancer. It said I didn't even have "pre-cancer." Just "undetermined changes." So it's not that bad. Just one of those things that I have to keep an eye on, now.
I was a little angry last night. I still slip every once in awhile. It really grates on my nerves that he thought it was acceptable to have a female roommate while he was still married, even if we were seperated. Especially if he, in any way, wanted to work through things with me.
Well, H wasn't home when I got there. Funny, I really missed him...and I was the one complaining the other day that I felt smothered. Just goes to that is has nothing to do with how much time I'm spending with him, and more to do with my feeling cooped up in general.
BIL2 called to see how the doctor visit went the day before, said that he was worried. I told him. He was kind of baffled by it, said he wanted to read up (he's pre-med, and serves in the N'tl Guard as a medic). I told him everything was okay, though, and not to worry too much about it.
I hadn't seen much since H went to work the night before. Hadn't even talked to him earlier in the day. So when he got home, I gave him a huge hug and kiss. He felt soooo good--I think he had really missed me, too.
I had talked to my mom earlier in the day. Mentioned the whole doctor stuff. Talked about H some. She made some derogatory remarks...like when I mentioned how he helped clean, she said "Oh, is this a new guy?" And then she asked if he was seeing a C--but the way she said it implied that he was on the crazy side. I decided not to mention any of it to H...he's pretty sensitive, and what good would it really do? None.
I fixed him dinner--haven't done that in a long time. Usually we eat at totally different times and completely different things, anyway. He liked the attention.
I had meant to go the gym, but we wound up ML. It was later in the evening, and it just put me to sleep. I didn't notice H went out until I heard him come back in. (He had told me that he was planning on going out for awhile.) I think it did him good just to get out of the house for some time.
When H came in, I had been having a bad dream. I've been having these, lately, where they feel very, very real. And it takes me some time to get rid of the feelings because the events seem real. In this one, H and I and his family were at a restaurant. Only H was ignoring me...and talking with some other woman. Paying all kinds of attention to her, and listening to her. Ignoring me. (Hm. Wonder where this dream came from??? )
Anyway, I told H in my dream he was acting funny. He layed down next to me, put his arms around me, and asked if he was acting funny now. I said no. He asked if I still got scared that he was going to leave. I said yes, but it wasn't nearly as bad anymore. The talking woke me up some, which helped, then moved to lay down with him on the couch.
H put me back in bed around 6am. I could have just gotten up for work, but I wanted to sleep with him for a little bit. He wanted me to hold him, said that he was sorry. I asked what for. He said for breaking my heart. I told him I loved him. He said he knew he loved me, he just didn't realize that he couldn't live without me. I sometimes wonder if he was trying to prove something to himself?? To see if he could live without me? Or maybe it was some weird test? I don't know. It doesn't matter.
He said he didn't know how he could ever make it up to me. That he thought about it every day. (I didn't know that before he told me.) I told him he was doing just fine...that all he needed to do was keep doing what he's doing. I asked him if he felt better than he did 3 or 4 months ago. H said he did. I said that I did, too. I told him that we would both feel even better in another 3 months. That all it takes is time.
H asked again this morning if I could stay home from work. I told him I couldn't...I don't have any time off yet. I gave him a big hug and kiss, though.
Feeling pretty good today, though. I'm getting back to that calm, centered place I had at the end of the sep. It's a nice feeling. I'm feeling very warm, very loving. Accepting. Looking forward to having kids and moving and getting a house. All of those nice things. It's a good feelng.
Nev- Since you've never steered me wrong before, I am going to ask your input. I am having a REALLY hard time because I am flashing back a lot to the A's - it's coming out as irritability, anger, rage and some of it was because I was sifting through old papers, reading my journal from the beginning of our separation, one-year anniversary of that, and I was reading a book about a 15-year-old who has an affair with a married man and gets pregnant (good book, bad timing).
Anyway, I have been pretty bitchy, and tonight I stooped to a level I haven't gone to in a long time - I snooped in H's e-mail. So, here's my question: what do I do now? I don't know if I need space, or time, or whatever to get through this latest bout of A-trauma. Do you think I should tell him I looked in his e-mail?
I need an honest opinion, and I really hope that this post has not stirred up any bad stuff for you. Lots of love, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Must be something in the air. I had a really bad night as well...sure surprised me. I think it was because xrm called. (I'll tell you more about that in a minute!)
With me, I've found I have two different types of backslides. The first kind is temporary, low-scale. That one a good dose of Act As If and a bit of distraction helps me with. It's usually like the stray thoughts, or a just random feelings. And that's pretty easy to squash.
Then there's the more major "meltdown"--which is what it sounds like you had. (Like I did last night.) This kind is usually uncontrollable, and triggered by something on TV or finding something physical. I almost think this is a release of emotions I've kept pent up, and necessary in the healing process. There are several things that I find help me.
First off, I tell myself it's okay to be upset. That I went through a traumatic experience, and my feelings are completely understandable. (Sometimes it's hard to think that, when all I want is to feel better!) Usually, I have to allow myself to actually feel these feelings. And they run the range...anger, disgust, hurt, depression...
I also, once I start to calm down, remember what I felt like on a good day. I try to remember that sense of calm and focus. The more I do that, the more I can actually feel that way.
Then I make sure to do something so that I feel better! Something for me. And I make sure to apologize to H for badly handling my feelings. (Although I have not apologized for having the feelings in months.) I make sure to thank him for whatever he did that helped me feel better. (Even if it was minor, and I needed more...it encourages this behavior in the future.)
The good news is...once you get out the feelings...you're going to have some really good days! I think the idea is to get to a point where you have these times less and further apart. That's my goal.
I think it's also important to remember you're human. You're going to have bad days. It's not healthy to bury the feelings--but that doesn't mean you have to let the control you, either. Try to find a constructive outlet to process the feelings. You won't truly be able to get rid of them until you've run the entire gamut.
Of course, I'm not suggesting throwing things at your H. But running is a very cathartic way of dealing with things. (Did wonders for me after the last doctor's visit.) Have you ever tried martial arts? Sparring is a great way to relieve tension.
And try not to be too hard on yourself! I've found when I stopped trying so hard to feel okay...I just sort of suddenly did. Once I gave myself permission to feel things (although not necessarily act irrationally) I magically felt better.
As far as snooping...well...I've told my H about all of the snooping I've done. I kind of felt like if he had to be completely honest, I should too. No, he didn't take it well. And I don't think I could have told him much sooner than I did. But I am glad I did. I think it's best for both of us to be honest. (And I think he felt better, knowing I wasn't "perfect" either.)
I've also noticed I am much more likely to get upset if I haven't had enough sleep or not been eating well lately.
Hope this helps...
Sooo...last night xrm calls. From a number he didn't recognize. So he answered it. He was really weird sounding... It got me kind of funny, but I didn't say anything. When H came back over to the couch, he told me she called. Had wanted to know when he was leaving for the army. I think he was really unnerved, as well.
It put me in a weird mood. I had just bragged she hadn't called in two weeks. Ah, well. We went to the gym. (Which was fun.) Went out to do some errands. After we got home, H mentioned that xrm had at one point told him that I had gotten my tattoo just to get him back. The irony is...she tried to "get him back" by telling him she was going to get a tattoo...LOL...he saw right through it...
(Okay, I did get it for me. But I also knew how much he would like it. And my leaving it as a surprise for him was a bit of mystery on my part...instead of telling him way ahead of time about my plans, like I usually do.)
I flipped. Totally and completely. Started yelling. I wanted to retreat to the bedroom--I could tell that I was out of control, and that I was going to say something I didn't mean. He pleaded with me to stay. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying some of the really harsh stuff I wanted to say.
He got really upset, asked if I wanted him to leave. (Have I mentioned he can't handle arguments? It seems to panic him.) So I forced myself to sit down, and put my arms around him. Not what I want to do when I'm mad.
Then I crumbled. Started crying uncontrollably. I just climbed on him then, and made him hold me. Then I just started blabbering all kinds of stuff. How I felt like I was being used while he was living with her...how I just felt dumb, like they really were having a relationship...how I hated that he let her disrespect me so completely...that I couldn't believe that he let people (both xrm and xow) talk him away from...how horrible it was that he just packed all my things and had them waiting at the door for me... I just went on and on. Lots of stuff that I didn't even really think or feel anymore, but that I had felt right after the seperation. It just sort of all fell out of me. Guess I needed to say it.
I even confessed some of the details of one of my snooping incidents. How, when we were still living together pre-bomb, I had checked his vmail. I heard a message from xrm, and it just so thoroughly infuriated me bcause she had this tone in her voice like she was talking to her bf. There was just this intimacy in the way she was talking to him that made me crazy, and that was why I had reacted so badly to a lot of things earlier. (Before I learned some self control.) And that was why I had hated her so much.
It really exhausted me. I guess I must have needed to get it out, because I'm feeling better today. Although I want to do something nice for H now.
Afterwards, he said he had thought we were doing okay. (A couple of days ago, he had told MF that we were doing great. ) I said we were...I just sometimes still get upset. Ah, well.
I think I'm going to have to introduce H to the idea of scripting responses. Make sure he has some preconceived idea of how to handle talking to her if he happens to answer to her again. Like "So you've got the money you owe me?" or "My wife and I were planning the nursery today...we thought about painting it purple, but the wall paper trim with the zoo animals was too cute..." or "Stop calling!!" (Okay, so I'm partial to the last one!! LOL )
Myrrh, forgot to add something else... I find I get grumpier when I haven't taken care of "me" lately. Like getting out to see my friends or something special just for myself. Is the same true for you??
H also told me last night that now I'm what he'd really been wanting all along. That he liked the new changes/attitude. (Ie, the tattoo...that I will drink with him now...that I go out to bars and go dancing...hell, that I'm more outgoing.) I realize he meant it as a compliment, but it hurt my feelings. For one, I didn't do it all for him--these are things I did for me. And two...does that mean I wasn't completely what he wanted in the first place??? Yeah, I know, doesn't matter. It still stung.
Nev- Everything you've said has really been a help while I was going through such a yucky time - let me think about your most recent post, and I will reply at length. Hugs! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Well, had my next step at the doctor's. Not the most comfortable thing I have gone through. H was very sweet and got up early (for him) to go with me. All of his nervousness made me feel much calmer.
The doctor did see something, inside of the cervix. Not sure what it is, so he took a biopsy. He said that we should know within a week.
I'm a little weird, H seemed fine. We had a nice lunch together, and then I had to head back to work.
Things are going pretty well between us. He's been extra anxious and clingy. Doesn't go out nearly as much anymore--he told me last night that he just didn't enjoy it like he did a few months ago. I guess that adds some credibility to my theory that all of the running around and party is really just overcompensation.
I'm not feeling so needy anymore all of the time. Actually, I could use a good night out with my friends. I still have days where I feel less okay. Had it a bit yesterday. But they're not so bad. I just tell H that I'm feeling insecure, and he gives me a big hug. I told him that it gets better over time. He asked if he would feel better, too, and I said of course he would. Sometimes I forget he was really hurt in all of this, too, and it's good to hear.
We're talking about taking a cooking class together. Neither of us knows how to make a lot of stuff. It's not that I can't cook, I just don't think of things. He really liked the idea, said he wanted to go with me. It should be fun.
Psycho--the exroommate of his--still calls. It was quiet for two weeks, and then all of the sudden there three calls. She seems to think she has some claim on these pictures of his, which just makes him mad. I keep asking if he'll let me answer the phone. He said he might if she keeps calling. He asked if I would be rude, and I said no, I would just say that he was unavailable. The time I answered at MIL's and it was her, she was really rattled. (Well...what did she expect?? They're my family, too!)
I'm a bit uncomfortable from the doctor visit. I feel kind of...well..crampy and periody. I think a lot of it's in my head. Ah, well. All necessary.
I've been thinking about you and hoping you'd report your latest stuff...
I'll keep my fingers crossed that the stuff he saw is only dysplasia. They actually mitigate those weird spots by doing biopsies until the smears come back clean. I'm pulling for you!
Uh, it's not your imagination. If my memory serves me well, the crampy period feeling took a few days? I remember it getting better over time, though. And what I distinctly remember is my OB/GYN telling me not to do much of anything. (That's my specialty! I love getting an Rx of taking it easy! )
Glad to see you've got your eye on a togetherness project.
Looking forward to hearing all the great stuff you guys concoct together.
Big hugs (but not enough to make you cramp more).
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Ah, well. There are worse things that could happen to me. 
Although, it's not like he was ever running around with all kinds of people behind my back. To be honest, the actual PA was only two times. (Still damaging, though.) But hopefully it will just be a little more incentive. 
It really grates on my nerves that he thought it was acceptable to have a female roommate while he was still married, even if we were seperated. Especially if he, in any way, wanted to work through things with me.
I had a really bad night as well...sure surprised me. I think it was because xrm called. (I'll tell you more about that in a minute!)
I think the idea is to get to a point where you have these times less and further apart. That's my goal. 
Ah, well. We went to the gym. (Which was fun.) Went out to do some errands. After we got home, H mentioned that xrm had at one point told him that I had gotten my tattoo just to get him back. The irony is...she tried to "get him back" by telling him she was going to get a tattoo...LOL...he saw right through it... 
He asked if I would be rude, and I said no, I would just say that he was unavailable. The time I answered at MIL's and it was her, she was really rattled.