Just got off the phone from H. I was excited because it looks like I'm finally going to get a permanent position at this company I've been contracted to. ( )
I apologized for waking him up. He said it was always okay for me to call and wake him up. ( )
He then asked if he could go to school now. I had always promised once I got a job, he could go to school. He sounded kind of hopeful--almost like someone who doesn't really believe it's finally going to happen. I told him of course he could, if it all goes through.
He then asked if he still needed to go to the army. I told him to join the army or go to school or however he wanted to do it. I also told him I thought he really wanted to be in the army, if only just for a few years--and that he should do what he really wants to.
We didn't talk long, he was still pretty sleepy. Told him I was going to a friend's after work, so he wouldn't see me before class--and that might be a good thing, so I don't distract him too much. He sounded disappointed, but okay.
Cross your fingers for me that the job offer goes through!
Had dinner with a GF after work last night. H wasn't there; he had gone to class. It was actually kind of lonely coming home without him there. (Never mind he seems to have just planted himself in my apartment. )
H got back a few hours later, but said he wanted to eat before we went to the gym. Which delayed us both. (I had missed him really bad, and didn't want to go without him.) I was starting to feel cranky then, not sure why, but maybe because I was tired.
Didn't stay at the gym long--just did some cardio. I was pretty tired when we left--it was my bedtime. But it was still good to get in a little exercise.
On the way back home, H said that we'd "been doing it a lot lately." I commented that I've been pretty satisfied with frequency the last few months. Then H, of all things, said he would actually like to ML more often.
For most of our R, H would insist he could go months without, or that ML just wasn't that important to him. There were times I felt like getting him into the bedroom was a huge chore. It absolutely floored me that he said he would actually like more.
I asked him if he wanted to ML more often, and he kind of hedged the question. I said it was always okay with me. (And it is.) He said he didn't want to ML if the other person wasn't into it--that it "didn't seem right" to him. So now I have the weird dilemma of trying to figure out how we can ML more often, maybe even when I'm not completely in the mood (not that I ever mind!!), without making him feel uncomfortable. I haven't initiated for months...it's been so nice that he's done it, and I got soooo tired of being rejected all the time. Maybe the next time I'm even slightly in the mood, I'll approach him...see how that works. (And I thought I would never have this problem!! I guess H is one of those people who needs to feel very, very secure and loved and cose to someone to want to ML. Who would have thought?)
I was definately cranky when we got my place. I could feel it. It was very late for me, and I'm sure that was why. I was in the kitchen, putting away some dirty dishes, when I felt myself get agitated. I started to say something, but I stopped myself. But H caught in anway.
He came over, looking very concerned, and kept asking me what was wrong. I told him nothing. But he kept pressing, and looked upset. I finally told him that I hated how messy he was, and wish he would just clean up after himself. He got this wounded puppy look, and said he would just leave then.
As weird as it sounds, this is actually more like H used to act pre-bomb. He's very, very sensitive. And he's not putting that "I'm an @$$hole" mask on for me anymore.
So I took him by the hand, and sat down on the couch, and told him that in the morning, while I was driving to work, I had thought about all the things about H that irritated me. And I had only been able to come up with one--that he never cleans up after himself. And I told him that I hadn't wanted to say anything, because I could tell I was feeling grumpy, and I try now to be more careful about what I say when I know I'm in a bad mood. That I try to wait a day or so until I'm in a better mood to see if I had a valid reason to get upset. That seemed to cheer him up.
Then I laid down on the small couch by the computer. H commented he felt restless, and wanted to go out. I told him to just go out then. He said he didn't really have anyone to go out with, and didn't like going to bars by himself.
I fell asleep on the couch. Didn't wake up until I heard H come in the front door--I had been so asleep, I hadn't noticed that he left. I asked if he had been gone long--he said he been gone for several hours. That he went up to the pub he used to work at, since he still knows people in there. I was a little bothered by him going out--but it was so mild, it really wasn't a big deal at all. Just sort of barely crossed my mind.
H told me that it was getting annoying, having women hit on him. That it was starting to make him uncomfortable. (Not sure if anyone came onto him at the bar, quite a few people know me there as well.) Said he had three of them in Wal-Mart. (Must have gone there after the bar closed.) He said he was glad he was wearing his ring, but almost thought that attracted more women. He swears he gets hit on more when he's wearing it, and commented that maybe he should just take it back off again. (Which would disappoint me, but be no big deal. I just like seeing him wear it. )
He put me to bed then. Not sure when he came in, but it was later. I just remember him wanting to cuddle once he came in.
This morning, when I woke up, I gave him a kiss on the neck, and a few kisses on the forehead. He smiled, and pulled my arms around him. I think I'm going to try to wake up earlier in the mornings, maybe initiate ML, and see how that goes. (That's always a good way to start the day!)
When I got home last night, H's car was there. I was excited to see him...but he wasn't in my apartment. And his phone was there. Kind of confusing. He came in about 30 minutes later--BIL2 had picked him up to go looking for a storage unit.
The three of us decided to go out to eat. H mentioned before BIL2 walked in that he thought it was cute that I got along so well with his brother. (Since we hang out and do stuff together, even with out H.) While we were at the restaurant (and, BTW, the waitress was terrible--never refilled our drinks or checked on us), I mentioned to BIL2 that (hopefully) I'm supposed to finally get hired on with the company I've been contracted to for the last several months. He was teasing H that I would then be his "sugar mama." H got this horribly-exaggerated hurt face, then said the he just wanted me because he loved me--which must be obvious, since I've been broke up until now.
Then H said he didn't know how he was going to make it in basic without me there. He actually said he can't go more than five hours without missing me. Which completely caught me off guard! But in a nice way.
After that we went back to my place. While we were laying in bed (waiting on the food to settle), I asked him if he couldn't stand be away from me for more than a few hours, how did he manage to get me to leave before? (I've since stopped saying "kicked out" around H--that really hurts him.) I don't know why I said it. Just popped out.
He got really upset, said that it was hard, that he had gone about it all wrong. I apologized, said that I hadn't meant to bring it up--just that my brain latches onto contradictions, and they drive me crazy. I think that made him feel better.
I must have dozed off, because it was after 9pm when I woke up. Kind of late, but I told H I still wanted to do some weights at the gym. So we went ahead and left for the gym.
I stopped by the locker room while H went upstairs to a bench. When I got upstairs a few minutes later, he was talking to a guy in the weight room. He introduced me, and it turned out to be the brother of the DJ at the club.
When it was my turn to press, H wasn't even really looking at me. He was talking the entire time to this guy. H did this every time I did a set (we switch off). A couple times I was waiting on him so that I could get started. And, what finally did it, was when he was talking to this guy, not looking at me, and I had to actually tell him that I was having trouble, that I needed help with the last rep.
Then, while we were in the weight room, the electricity went off. It had been storming for some time anyway, so I wasn't surprised. I asked H if he wanted to wait on the lights or leave. He said he wanted to keep working out.
I told H I couldn't see. He said he could, and then insisted we continue to work. I told H I couldn't see what I was doing, and I was concerned that I was going to hit myself with the bar or trip on something. H insisted he could see, and that everything would be fine--and even suggest his retrieving a flashlight from his car. (Did I ever mention that H is, oh, more than a little single-minded? This sort of thing being the reason I used to avoid working out with him.)
A few minutes later, the lights came back on. And then the guy H had been chatting with left. We continued on with some of the machines. H wasn't being talkative. Actually, he had slipped back into "work-mode"...where he's much more distant and less friendly with me. Which is just fine when he's at work, I understand that.
We did a couple of more things, and H wasn't talking much. So I quit waiting on him when he was using a machine (we often switch off), and wandered off to do my own thing.
A few minutes later, H came over and asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing. (I wanted to get as much of a workout in as possible, and I knew he was going to get upset.) I switched to another machine, and H commented that while I was doing the pull-down, I looked really buff.
I told H I knew I had the muscle, which was why I wanted to lose some fat. (Not weight, just the fat layer hiding my muscles...I want better definition...did I ever mention that I'm a perfectionist??) H said that should be easy, all I would need to do was change my diet a little.
I laughed, and pointed out that I already eat very, very light--lots of salads, mostly fruits and veggies. I hardly ever eat meat (just too heavy). I told him if I ate any less, that would just be unhealthy!
H kept pressing me with what was wrong. He had the most concerned look on his face. I finally told him that I had felt kind of ignored. That I had to actually ask him to help me when I was struggling one time. And that this was supposed to be our time together. That had been the whole point of working out together.
He looked really hurt, and apologized, said he hadn't meant to, and that he was going to leave. (We had driven seperately.) I told him that was why I hadn't wanted to tell him. That I knew it would upset him. And that he was overreacting--that he was doing what he used to accuse me of, that I couldn't tell him something was bothering me because he was blowing it out of proportion.
He finally calmed down some, and we went back to the workout. I'm kind of concerned that he thinks I'm objecting to his having friends or talking to other people, period. Which I'm not! I was just upset that he was basically ignoring me. Especially when I really did need assistance!
A few minutes later I went over to him, said I wanted to go home. I told him I wasn't having any fun anymore. He asked why not. I told him because of the what I had said earlier, and because he was upset now, and because he had started to get obsessive on me again. I just wasn't having fun anymore, I was tired, and this was supposed to be fun for me.
So we left. Ran by his house to give some stuff to BIL2 for the yard sale. I was tired, so since I had my own car, I left a before he did.
When I got home, I took a shower. At one point, while in the shower, I broke down and just started crying. Not for very long. But I was upset over the whole mess, about how H seems to have this tendency to just jump with the next cool, new thing. I was scared about the whole pattern of it--that if I flipped out because I was afraid he was going to ditch me, the whole mess would repeat again. (Before the sep, all I heard from H was [MF] and [xrm]. Mostly about [MF], but that was all I heard about...)
I calmed down when I got out of the shower. Tried to wait, but called H maybe 20 minutes later. I could hear he was driving. He said he was getting groceries, and then he would be "home." And he was talking about my apartment (the place he is always insisting is mine, and not his!)
I finished with my hair and settled on the computer to play a game. When H came in he had several bags of groceries, which I helped him put away. He was nice enough to pick me up some milk and cereal--and just the kind that I like. I thanked him, told him how much I appreciated that, and he told me he know how expensive he could be. That he also knew little things like that helped. I thought it was the sweetest thing.
He asked if I had stayed up for him, and I said yes. (Even though I had also just gotten sucked into a computer game.) We talked about where he could possibly put his bar in the apartment. He then asked what stuff I wanted to put in his storage unit.
Completely surprised me. I had just figured it was his, and I was going to stay out of it. He told me it was going to be a little smaller than the one I had put my stuff in. (And he didn't even get upset mentioning it! That was the unit I had to get when he kicked me out!) He said we could put some of my moving bins (yes, I move so often, I have a set of plastic bins... LOL) in it, maybe clear out my over-stuffed closet, and he could keep his comics in my place. All of which I thought was great!
He asked me to stay with him on the couch. (Which I had already planned to do.) When I layed down, I told him I was sorry for getting so upset earlier--it just reminded me of some stuff, but I knew I overreacted. H took the comedic approach, trying to poke fun at me, but I really wasn't in the mood for it. Told him I was trying to apologize, and he was making fun of me.
I'm still a little hurt by the incident. Mostly because I had to actually ask H to help me when I was stuggling with that last rep on the bench press. That's something he should have done on his own as my spotter!
I'm also beginning to think that maybe he just can't split his focus. (Or, at least, maybe not very well.) As long as I've known him, when he's focussed on something, he is incredibly intense about it. He doesn't respond (at all) when he's playing video games. He's the same with movies. When he listens to someone, he's completely in the moment. I've never know anyone who could listen as intently--and be interested!--as he can. So maybe I'm hitting a personality trait here...I don't know...
It was really such a minor thing. The rest of the night was very nice. He did lots of nice things for me. I guess it's just one of those areas that I'm very sensitive about. Probably because it was such a main part of both of the seps...him ignoring me and ditching me for other people.
Although I did make sure to not be too hard on him. I didn't yell. I didn't cry. I didn't retreat. So I guess it could have been worse.
Quote: I'm still a little hurt by the incident. Mostly because I had to actually ask H to help me when I was stuggling with that last rep on the bench press. That's something he should have done on his own as my spotter!
Geez, girlfriend, talk about a tempest in a teapot!
Look, I recognize this pattern, because I used to do some of this. You get upset about something, and instead of bringing it out right away in a non-threatening manner ("Hey - I'm gonna have to fire you as my spotter if you don't help be get this barbell off my chest! ) - you martyr yourself and stew in it until you are totally pissed off, without having given him a chance to correct it.
Try using a little humor, approaching him nicely right at the time the incident occurs, and it won't build into such a big deal.
In mine, too, Nitaf. I like the humor idea, kml. Now if I can just remember it when I am bothered about something.
You and your H are making such progress that a few minor stumbles are not going to ruin everything. Relax a little, Nevanna, you are doing well.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Hi Nevanna, Been following your sitch and your future looks so bright!
It's great that you and your H are sharing the gym as personal time together. I just think you could be a little less regimented about it and not get your feelings hurt if his attention is elsewhere for a while.
It sounds to me in your recent interactions that you and your H are still extremely sensitive about any old R talk-- and getting overly upset about little things. Of course you are both scared, after going to the brink of S/D and coming back... What more can you do to build a new R instead of rebuilding the old one? How can you reassure (maybe more nonverbally than verbally) your H that you are in it for the long haul, so he doesn't get so upset and feel like leaving the house every time you say something he doesn't want to hear?
Building confidence in your R seems like a challenge for you right now. More Acting As If might do the trick...
I'm getting so much inspiration from your sitch! My partner and I arfe coming back from the brink, as well. We'll have many of your same challenges.
I finally got hired full-time by the company I've been working as a contractor for the last six months. My first job on salary and with benefits. (Yeah for me!! It's been sooo hard since I graduated college...)
When I told H, he asked when my benefits would kick in. I told him I wasn't sure. He said he wanted to know if it was before he was going to the army--because if it was, he was going to try to get me "knocked up" before he left. (Yes, H put it that way...he's kidding, he's really not that disrespectful...)
I pointed out he would be gone for most of the pregnancy then--and he said he was only hiding from the mood swings. (Again, kidding.) Then he said he just wanted to get started right away.
The guy who said he was never going to get married, and never going to have kids...
Hi Nev, Where are you? I'm trying to catch up on your thread! One thing about undeveloped film is that eventually it goes bad and if he did develop the pics, it may not turn out! karen812
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