(This post gets into some of my and H's personal views, which may not be the same as other people's. Not trying to start a discussion on the topic, just relating what happened last night.)
I had thought H wouldn't be at my place when I got home yesterday, but he was. He said he had stayed so that I could see him for a little while.
I was feeling really needy and clingy, and basically wrapped my arms around him and gave him a sad puppy dog face when he went to leave. And admitted I was just feeling clingy and needy. Said there was no reason. He said he felt bad leaving when I was like that, but I told him it was okay. That I must have just really missed him. I even stepped out on the deck to watch him go to his car. He did ask me if I wanted to swing by his house later, and I said I might.
After he left, I was okay, and went about unpacking some more. Being busy is a good way to handle myself when I start feeling clingy.
H called me after a couple of hours. Said he was hungry, and asked me to go shopping with him. So he swung by to pick me up. After we go out of the grocery store, H and I were messing around, and he wound up saying something like "If you feel that way, just walk home."
So I started walking. I figured he wouldn't let me get too far, since it was starting to get dark. (Although I didn't live far, and I do love walking.) I made the mistake of looking back a couple of times, which he saw, so he kept letting me walk. When he did get in his car, he drove right past me, waving my house keys at me. Of course, he didn't go too far before turning around to let me in the car.
H asked me if I wanted to play some games with him on the computer. The love seat in the corner turned out to be perfect for this. I told him I loved that he had come up with that idea, and he told me he was only trying to think of ways for us to be closer.
We played Life for a little while, then Monopoly. It was nice and cozy.
We also talked some while we had dinner. H said it frustrated him that he couldn't have female friends anymore, but that it obviously didn't work. That he was mad because people kept trying to interfere with us.
And he's not just talking about xrm or the w**** from before. I had a "friend" who tried to hook me up with her cousin when H and I started fighting. His "friends"--which he recently dropped--wanted him to hang out with them all of the time......called him constantly...and would get irritated when he had other plans. (Which is why he isn't around them anymore.)
H said he just wanted to have some friends, but that he's so sick of people interfering with us. I laughed, told him they didn't know what they were dealing with. He kind of smiled, said no they didn't. I pointed out that people had been able to distract us--both of us--temporarily, but never really pull us apart. He just commented he wished he could have some friends again.
I told him I knew it sucked, because I like hanging out with guys, but that it obviously doesn't work. I pointed out that that was why I like to do things with BIL2--there's nothing ever going to happen there. He said that he was tired of people having a hidden agenda. That all he had wanted was to be friends with xrm, but that she obviously wanted more than that.
We talked about how men/women can't seem to be just friends. I had never, ever believed that to be true--until about nine months ago. H and I always said we thought that was crazy. And now we both see why it's not. I told H that people are wired to procreate, wired to have affairs, and it's a hard thing to prevent. H agreed with me--saying we're all basically animals, and it's that drive to breed that gets us. So basically, no more opposite gender friends for either of us. My own rule for me, and H seems to agree now.
I asked H if he was still planning on going out. He asked--rather jokingly--if he "needed my permission." I said of course not, if he wanted to go somewhere he should, I was just curious. I just asked him to, if he stayed in, clean out the litter box. (Still trying to get that thing clean!!)
H played some more games on the computer, and asked me to stay on the short couch beside him. I asked if he just wanted me close, and he said he did, that he would move me to the bed later.
He never went out, but he did come to bed really late. Said he was sorry for two things. I asked him what. He said the coffee he had had earlier. And then for all the stuff that's happened. I told him it was okay to be sad, just come get a hug. He might have said something else, but I was pretty out of it, and I just rolled over to hold him. Although I do remember mumbling something about wanting a baby. H said we could start now. I said sure...the only thing stopping me is not making enough money. (I'm going to wind up pregnant soon if I'm not careful!! )
Although he didn't clean out the litter box, he did hook up my new speakers for the computer. Which I really appreciate. Not sure why he won't do things I ask him to--not that I don't appreciate what he is doing for me. (I have difficulty breathing around certain strong odors, and usually ask him to help me with things like that.) I have noticed he tends to do the things he likes to do. Maybe ask him to clean while I'm cleaning?? I think he may just be getting distracted, and forgetting.
So he didn't meet xrm yesterday after all. And she didn't call.
But I couldn't find my cell phone this morning, so I'm basically unavailable now. My own stupid fault--I'm sure it's just at home--but I hate feeling so disconnected. I'm going to wait until later to call him, and see if it's there, since I know he went to bed so late.
Well, didn't have my cell phone, so I didn't talk to H all day while I was at work. Which is pretty unusual. I had to stay late--only about 30 minutes--so I got home late. H was still at my place, said he had waited to see me. Said he was worried, since I didn't have my phone (he found it at home) and he couldn't call. He then asked if I wanted to go the gym with him, but I said I needed to eat.
H also confessed he checked my vmail. Said he thought it was his phone (they look exactly alike) and didn't realize it was mine until he already heard part of a message from my female friend. He was very apologetic, didn't want me to think he was snooping.
Although I kind of think he was. When you access the vmail, it repeats your name back to you. How he got past that part to my message, listening long enough to it to at least mark it as no longer new....well...there's more than a few seconds in there. Not that I care. I just think his story sounds fishy. But if he was, I actually find it kind of funny. Maybe because I understand what drives a person to snoop. Ah, well. I didn't push him on the issue, even though I think his story was odd. He sounded so bad about the whole thing, I just let it go.
H did ask me some more abou the BB. (I was talking about how people have been through much worse than us...this really reassures him that we are going to be OK.) I told him this was more like a really long journal for me. He wanted to know if people wrote to me. And if I read what happened with other people, and commented to them. I can remember when the thought of him finding this place terrified me. Now I don't even bother to erare IE's history.
He had to be at work early, so he left for the gym, while I got something to eat. He did call me on his way and ask me to meet him there, but I was still eating. Then I sort of passed out on the couch. MIL called, but I didn't pick up because I was too tired. H called again when he got out of the gym. I didn't get it in time, and when I called him, he didn't answer--must have been getting ready for work. But he did call me later, while he was headed in.
I had been feeling kind of funny all day. Been some time since I felt like that. I finally decided I needed to just go to the gym, that exercise always made me feel better. But then I couldn't find my shoes. Looked everywhere. Even went to H's house and I couldn't find them. So I didn't get to go, after all. I wound up just doing a lot of unpacking around the apartment--which really needed done, anyway.
Left H a vmail before I went to bed, telling him good night and that I loved him.
He called when he got out of work. I think he must have called me the minute he left. We chatted while he drove here--said he was going to just stay at my place, since MIL and BIL2 refuse to turn on the AC, and it's just too hot for that.
He mentioned that a cop friend of his came into the club last night--and mentioned xrm, of all people. Apparentally, xrm had told the cop, M, that she was "really hurt" over this thing with my H. H got kind of upset, and asked M what all she had said. She had given M the impression that H and her were romantically involved.
Then said he was glad M had brought her up--he wanted some advice. Told him all of the weird stuff she's been doing. That yes, they were roommates, but nothing else every happened. Which reminds me, I don't think I posted this, so I want to add it now... XRM made some weird references after the 4th of July when she talked to H. Asked if he had "had fun blowing up fireworks" and if his "war was any fun." References to things we actually did on the 4th that she should not have known anything about. The first one could have easily been a guess...but the second...not so sure. (H and BIL2 ran around chasing each other with fireworks.) H also told M that he had told xrm that she was scaring him, that she was acting inappropriately.
M told H there wasn't enough to go to the police yet--which we knew--but did point out that we should make sure to keep all of our cell phone records, since it's a record of all the calls she has made to H's phone.
H mentioned that he was supposed to meet xrm the next day for lunch, and the he planned on telling her she has to back off. Which irritated me, because I felt like H was not keeping up his end of the bargain with keeping me informed. He did say he thought it was on Friday--which could mean that he wanted to call me, I didn't have my phone, and he later forgot to tell me.
But he also said she called fairly early and woke him up--saying "Did I wake you?" in that fake-innocent voice that irritates him. (She does this constantly. And does know better.) And H said he probably wasn't going to make lunch with her, since that would be too early for him, and he has too many things to do before he goes to work.
We got some breakfast together when he got in. I was very happy to see him. He told me about how this one woman was hitting on him at the bar. I had asked him to stop telling me these stories, since they tend to only make me more jealous and unreasonable.
So this woman asks him if he has a girlfriend. He says no. She then asks if he is available. And he says yes. H used to pretend to be single, to get more tips. At first, I was okay with this--until first sep. Then I told him I wasn't okay with it anymore. The deal is that he answers honestly, but never lies. So, of course, he doesn't really have a girlfriend. But if they ask if he's seeing someone, he usually replies he's married.
Anyway, H apologized for it, said he hadn't meant it, that it came out before he realized it out of habit. He sounded really bothered by it. I told him it was okay. He then told me that this woman wasn't the most attractive, and then proceeded to hit on him the whole night. And that it made him uncomfortable. He said he even started getting affectionate with one of the waitresses--hugs, little kisses on the cheek--to kind of ward her off. (Yes, H sometimes gets uncomfortable when people come on too strongly to him...I didn't find this weird at all.) I asked him if he would have been happy to see me last night, and he said he would have given me a big and kiss and been very happy to see me.
I also noticed he was still wearing his wedding ring. He usually takes it off to go to work--it hits the bottles all of the time, and drives him crazy. I actually encouraged him, when he first started bartending, to just remove it if it was really getting on his nerves.
I'm not going to bring up the xrm thing. H said he felt like I was prying a couple of days ago. So I'm not going to bother hiding I'm a little upset/bothered, and wait until he asks. That way, he won't feel so harassed. Then again...it's not like he never told me... I don't know. Maybe I'm being too demanding. I'll ask H about it later.
Nevanna- Again, I think you are doing great at keeping the jealousy under control - when your H has a unique career like yours (and mine), it takes just that extra measure of understanding and tolerance. You are doing really well at keeping your feelings about the xrm thing under control...good for you!
My H is making it a point to be really open and honest with pretty much all of his interactions with females, I think to reassure me that he is being above-board. Sometimes it's really hard to listen, even when I know it's just a friend!
So I kind of know what you're going through - but I don't think I am dealing with it quite as gracefully as you are! I'll get there eventually. Keep up the great work! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Quote: Again, I think you are doing great at keeping the jealousy under control...
Could you tell my H that? He thinks my jealousy is raging out of control! (I don't think he knows how much I actually fight it, and try to react rationally.)
Didn't spend much time with H on Saturday. He slept in pretty late, and had to be at work early (for a bartender.) We did get to do some errands together--I helped him buy some new shirts for work.
I was hanging out with him at his house while he was getting ready. Didn't even bring up the topic of xrm, when, out of the blue, H says maybe he should call her up when he gets off of work and ask her to go to breakfast with him. Commented, "See how she likes it."
Then he proceeded to complain about all of the things that really ticked him off about her. I just listened, most of the time, backing up what he felt. He complained about how she had drank a lot of his liquor. How she would make drinks, and then not even finish them. That she would just help herself to whatever new bottles he had--how he once purchased a bottle of Hypnotiq and she basically finished it off. That another time she opened a brand new bottle of premium vodka because he was out of the cheaper stuff. And how she pretty much finished off a case of Red Bull--a case that cost around $40. Then would complain about how she didn't have money for food or cigarettes.
I pointed out that I didn't just go through all of his bar supply, since I knew it was intended for when there were friends over. H said it would have been okay for me, anyway, since I'm his wife. And I said that I knew that, but I was still careful not to finish something or open a new bottle, because I knew the bar was still basically his. (And I certainly very, very rarely drink by myself.) H said he knew that, and was going to use that as an example.
He also griped about how she constantly took quarters from his bowl for gas or cigarrettes. And that he had used those for laundry or converted them for food--except that she was always taking them. And how she had gotten into his drawing pencils...the nice, expensive, specialty ones...and used those to take phone messages. Even when he repeatedly asked her not to. That she was always constantly helping herself to his stuff--and he's the kind of guy who is very, very picky about what is his. He doesn't like peopple messing with it.
H also told me that he was sad, because he liked xrm's sister. But that he obviously wouldn't be able to hang out with her anymore. I wanted to say something, but I didn't, because I realize he's just going through the phase where he's sad because he's giving up something.
After H went to work, I was feeling pretty sappy, and left him a direct vmail. And then an hour later I left another. And before I went to bed I left a third. I would have left more, but I was busy finishing unpacking. (And I am now done and the apartment looks great!)
I woke up around 8am, when H hadn't come home yet. Not unusual for me to wake up because he didn't come in when I expected. I thought about calling him, and decided against it. I thought maybe he had had breakfast with her. About then he walked in.
I told H I had been a little worried, and he said he had called xrm for breakfast. That she had complained about how early he was calling, and he had just said "How do you like it?" Then told her if she wanted to see him, now was her chance, it was up to her. (I think it's funny he forced her to adjust to his time schedule, instead of trying to accommodate her anymore.)
He met her, of course, in a public restaurant. He was nice enough to go to the one by where she was living. When he sat down, he said she started fooling with a spot on his neck, and he jerked back, and demanded to know what she was doing. She said he had a zit on his neck she was going to take care of it. (Not kidding!) He told her she was making him uncomfortable, and for her not to touch him.
He said he wanted to know exactly what she thought their relationship was when they were living together. That he wanted to know what she thought had happened. She denied thinking they were romantically involved. H said he thought she was lieing--had picked up on his attitude, especially since she's said so many things to indicate otherwise over the last several weeks.
He asked her why she had gone around telling people they were a couple. She said that she hadn't. He asked her why so many people had come up to him and referred to her as his gf, then. She didn't have an answer for that. (He suspected she was lieing.)
He also asked her about the "magical night" that she's continually been referring to. As he and I suspected, it was one occasion when they had gotten drunk together, and she had commented that it would be nice if they got together. (Of course, H at the time had told her no.) He told her that all that had been was two friends, enjoying each other's company. And nothing else.
He ripped her for all of the things she had helped herself to. Told her she had probably cost him money, over all, expecially because of the liquor. That she had never paid on time, and at one point he even had to borrow money from his wife to pay the rent because she was so late--which really ticked him off. (He told me one of the reasons he asked her to live there was because he thought she would be more respectful than one of his guy friends of his stuff and his alcohol. Ha!)
H also asked her why she was bugging him so much. She said H had said something that "inspired" her--to "take chances, go after what you want." (H says this all of the time.) I think H was irritated (with himself) that she had taken something he said and used it against him. Pointed out that he was married, and that she had known all along he wanted to work things out with his wife. She said she knew, which is why she hadn't pushed so hard. (OMG, what does she consider pushing??)
He also told her that it was ridiculous that she get upset (jealous??) when he was spending time with me. That she had no right to complain, since I'm his wife.
He also told her that he "wasn't healthy" for her--I think alluding to all the weird things she's been doing. And that he thought all of the cocaine she had done had permanently messed her up brain, because of her outrageous temper. She denied that. (Obviously, she still does the drug. How dumb can you be??)
And he told her that their time living together hadn't been that great. (I think she thought it had been this incredible living experience, the two of them together.) He said she was pretty upset by that, and asked why he hadn't told her before. He said that there had been no point to tell her sooner.
I asked him if she had said anything about the new shirt he was wearing. (Which looks very good on him!) He said that she had commented, "New shirt." He also said that apparentally her ex-bf (current bf??) doesn't like him too much. We had a good laugh at that. And he mentioned that it bothered xrm as much as me that he gets hit on at his job. (This really ticked me off, because there's her attitude of thinking she has some sort of rights to him.)
I mentioned that she must have been fooling herself, thinking they could get together, because he couldn't be with someone who has a temper. That it just didn't work for him. And he agreed with me, said he definately didn't want to be with someone who had a temper. Which is one of the reasons he likes me so much--I really don't have much of one. (Unless someone is interfering in my M!)
I gave him a nice, long massage. He also told me a few details of things that had happened to him as a child. It's taken years for him to slowly pull at that barrier, and it feels nice to finally be able to tell he's letting me into that aspect of his life. It was only a little bit, but I think it was significant for him.
We talked some about triggers, and how they can set off memories and startle him. I told him that was perfectly normal for all kinds of people--even I have them (usually associated with two seps and all of that trauma). I told him that they can be defused, but I didn't know how. He said he thought he was doing very well for someone who has been through what he has, and I agreed with him. (I've found that telling him he's normal actually has the weird effect of soothing his nerves. When I used to insist that seeing a C to sort out his childhood might help, he would actually act more out of whack.)
He didn't go to sleep until well after 9am, although he did tell me to wake him up. I didn't--he looked too tired. Instead I spent some time drawing on the computer. (I love 3D...I have several programs that I like to use, and can spend hours modelling something.)
He didn't get up until after 3pm. Complained that I didn't get him up. I told him I wanted him to get enough sleep. He said he didn't want to sleep the day away, that he wanted to spend time with me.
He also told me how much he had liked all the vmails I had sent him the night before. I told him I made a point of sending them directly to his inbox, so I wouldn't bother him at work. He said he even let someone he worked with listen to them--at which point she made a face and said "eeewwww." (Nice to know my being affectionate can still make people gag! )
I showed H what I was working on (I had the strangest urge to draw his Beretta, have no idea why...). He really liked it, what little I had done. (He loves weapons of all types.) Asked me if I would draw some other things for him sometime.
He also asked me to pluck his eyebrows for him. (No, I don't shape them, just get rid of the excess. ) He said he wondered how many other guys let their spouses do that sort of thing. He also offered to do mine for me. H said he also enjoyed it because it was another way of being close.
I had intended to go do some cardio at the gym. H said he wanted to get his other ear pierced, and asked me to go with him. Said he really wanted to be cutesy in public with me. ( ) So I said I would go shopping with him, then to the gym, since the gym was open later.
He mentioned while we were driving around that he had always had to talk down to xrm--that she wasn't that bright, and it drove him crazy. But he had stopped bothering to do that when he met her for breakfast, and she had to keep asking him what he was talking about. H also said she had told him that he was "different"--which is funny, because she obviously didn't know that if she said that. She was getting the prick side of him, which if she'd paid attention, she would have noticed he acts that way around people that annoy. Obviously she never knew him that well.
We didn't make it to the mall, since H wanted to get some steaks from Sam's Club. After we went back to his place, I took his car to the gym. I got back just in time for grilled steak. (Mmmmm.)
We made plans to go the movies, so I took a shower there and borrowed some of his clothes. Then we ran by my place so I could change, and H took my dog for a walk. When he came back up...he had a baby bird in his hands. Said he had found it, it couldn't fly, and he wanted to nurse it back to health.
For some reason, I had one of those silly panic episodes with the bird. (I'm beginning to suspect it's related to my sugar intake. I haven't had one in a looong time, and then I recently have been letting H "treat" me to some stuff.) Every time it tried to fly, I would screech and run into the bedroom. Why it scared me (startled me??) I don't know. Strangest thing.
But I crawled in bed, and refused to come out. H finally came in (minus the bird) and asked me to go shopping with him to get a cage and some bird seed. He kept asking, and I kept wavering. I finally decided to go with him, since it seemed to be a big deal to him. (I might have stayed home before anyway.)
So we picked up the smallest cage and some bird seed. H said he would keep it as his house. We also decided if it died (or even after he releases it) we would just get another small, quiet, pet bird anyway.
I told H I didn't want him to think I was mad at him about the bird. Just a little startled by the stupid thing. And that his thing for animals is one of the reasons I love him.
H also told me not to worry about the anxiety thing. We talked about how it seems to be such random stuff. I had thought for a time it was related to people...but...well...this is a bird. But at least they are further apart...
We played some more monopoly on the computer. I was bankrupted pretty quickly. H kept saying he wanted to something to help me--he kind of felt like it was us against the computer's player--but I told him it was okay. Of course, I was bankrupted because I landed on his land--that he had been trying to get the computer with. But that's how games go.
I dozed off on the couch next to him, and H put me to bed later.
When I got up this morning, I mentioned I was still feeling a touch of nausea. (We've been joking that I may actually be pregnant, which would be our luck, after the prank we pulled on BIL2.) H said it would be funny to tell xrm that I was pregnant, just to see what her reaction is.
I also noticed when I got up this morning, that H had still not cleaned the litter box. I'm almost beginning to think that he subconsciously doesn't do things that I ask him to. So I'm going to try a different approach. When I talk to him later, I'm going to thank him for cleaning it out. Even though he hasn't done it yet. Sometimes that approach seems to work with him--when I tell him he's considerate, then he is considerate.
But I also realized I was falling back into the rut of how I used to get irritated when he didn't help out around the house. Time to try something different.
I also noticed that I'm detaching from the whole xrm thing again. I had been doing pretty good until I found that letter, which brought it all back emotionally. Now I'm calming down again.
And, the more okay I am with things, the more upset H gets. H mentioned meeting her for breakfast by where my previous apartment was got him thinking--about the fact that I had to move there because of his actions.
I also noticed that we gets upset, pretty consistantly, at different times of the day. For me, it's when I get up in the morning. For H, it's late at night, usually when he's headed to bed.
Fairly calm night. Haven't heard from xrm since Sunday morning. ( ) H was there when I got home, although we didn't talk all day while I was at work.
He even picked up some laundry detergent and stuff for the bathroom. I told him how much I appreciated it, since it wasn't even his place. He seemed kind of baffled, but I think that's because he didn't expect my reaction.
We curled up on the couch for a long time. H feel asleep, and I couldn't get him back up for class, so I just covered him with a blanket.
When he did wake up, much later, he was obviously still feeling needy. He came over by me on the little couch next to the computer, and said he wanted some "bonding" time. Kept telling me how much he had missed this sort of thing with me.
We wound up back on the couch watching TV. He set his glasses on the table, leaned his head on my shoulder, and started crying. I told him it was okay, he would feel better later, if he let himself get all the emotions out. He didn't stay upset too long--"Whose Line Is It Anyway?" came on, and soon he was dieing laughing.
He massaged my legs for a while. I must have dozed off then--it was close to my bedtime. I woke up when H got out of the shower. I remember mentioning the 5 LL to him. I think he found it kind of interesting, and he agreed with me about his--acts of service is his primary. Touch is pretty close for him (and my primary, so that works well), but he also responds well to words of affirmation.
I dozed off again. H then said BIL2 had called--that his rats had gotten out in the garage, and that his mom had put out rat poison. He was pretty worried, and he took off in a hurry. He said he would be back, but I didn't think too much of it.
I went to bed. Something about when he rushes out like that that messes up my mood when I'm asleep. I think I also had a weird dream when I was dozing on the couch. So I called him--he was busy, hung with me pretty quick, but I asked him to let me know about the rats.
H came in much later, and climbed on top of me on the bed to squash me with a bear hug. Said he had tried to sleep at his place, but couldn't do it, that he couldn't stand to be away from me. (And yes, the rats were okay--BIL2 found them. They're very domestic, it's not like they were going to hurt anything.)
He then laid down beside me, and pulled me over so I was laying on him. (He does this a lot, when I'm asleep, will tug at me or rearrange me so that we're curled up together. ) He kept asking me to forgive him. I told him I had--but, that he needed to forgive himself. He said he couldn't. That he was really sorry, he thought he had lost me, he hadn't meant for things to get so out of control. Said that he had only said he wanted the D to get me out of the house, that he had never meant it, and that he couldn't even stay away from me that long. (Although it was the longest couple of months of my life.) He even said that "things weren't that bad," that he didn't know why he felt so frustrated.
I made a mistake here. I normally just listen, or say "I know" or hold him. I told him that if he hadn't done what he had, then I wouldn't have found DB or this website. And that I'm much better off for that. I think that only made things worse--implying that, on some level, the whole mess was good for me.
I could see how badly H's guilt was getting to him. He was just miserable. I asked him if he was still wanted to see a MC. Although I'm feeling pretty comfortable with how things are progressing, if he's having trouble and wants to, then we should go. He said he still wanted to--then added he wanted to for himself. The only reason we haven't gone is lack of money. We just don't have it.
I had tried different several different C's before, throughout the last several months, and never been back more than a couple of times because I didn't like them. I told H that one I had seen, this time around, on my second visit, actually told me I should think about starting to date. I had been out of the apartment one week, we weren't legally seperated, and no one had filed for divorce. And she was telling me to date. Even after I had told her I was interested in making my M work anyway. She actually told me my H wasn't interested, and for me to move on.
This was before I had come across DB, and I never went back to her. I told H I decided not to listen to her. I think that story upset him pretty good.
We also talked about how a lot of C's are more interested in background, and just tell you "You do xyz because of this pattern in your life you are reenacting it," and don't ever really tell you how to help yourself. H agreed--and even brought up something from the KLA CD I had played for him!! About how by the time most people see a C, they're in pretty deep, and need help fairly quickly.
I mentioned the KLA seminars Michele has, and asked H if he would want to go to one of those. He nodded his head pretty emphatically.
H asked me several times to stay home from work, and I told him that I couldn't. I could tell that he really didn't want me to get up this morning--he pulled me back down a couple of times. I had a hard time just giving him a kiss on the forehead so I could leave.
I am kind of glad that H is apologizing so much. It really reassures me. He seems to do so much more after I calm down, and stop pushing so hard. It's like if I'm not, on some level, punishing him, he can then feel the emotions himself.
But then, I don't want him to dwell on it too much. I don't want it to eat him up.
I think I'm going to take my own advice--I'm going to listen to what I told him a few days ago. I told him it takes time, and asked him not to rush me. I'm going to do the same thing for him. Just be patient, understanding, and let him work out it in the way that he needs to.
(And yes, the bird is still in my apartment. It's actually perked up quite a bit, and is amazingly loud for an immature bird. Sounds like spring inside my front room. )
You know I did, but I think he either doesn't believe me or thinks it was too easy or maybe he just can't forgive himself. Which sounds like an odd problem to have, but I also think that was one of the things that lead up to the second sep--his feelings of guilt.
He said he had stayed so that I could see him for a little while.
I figured he wouldn't let me get too far, since it was starting to get dark. (Although I didn't live far, and I do love walking.) I made the mistake of looking back a couple of times, which he saw, so he kept letting me walk. When he did get in his car, he drove right past me, waving my house keys at me. 
)
My own stupid fault--I'm sure it's just at home--but I hate feeling so disconnected. I'm going to wait until later to call him, and see if it's there, since I know he went to bed so late. 
When you access the vmail, it repeats your name back to you. How he got past that part to my message, listening long enough to it to at least mark it as no longer new....well...there's more than a few seconds in there. Not that I care. I just think his story sounds fishy. But if he was, I actually find it kind of funny. Maybe because I understand what drives a person to snoop. Ah, well. I didn't push him on the issue, even though I think his story was odd. He sounded so bad about the whole thing, I just let it go.
I wound up just doing a lot of unpacking around the apartment--which really needed done, anyway.
) H was there when I got home, although we didn't talk all day while I was at work.