(Some background... xrm=exroommate, the female friend he moved into our 2BR apartment after he kicked me out, since he needed help with the rent. She was not his first choice for roommate. xrm is, most likely, crazy.)
It was a nice weekend.
Saturday we went shopping with BIL2. H thought it would be funny to tell BIL2 that I was pregnant. (Both BIL2 and MIL have been hounding us for kids since, basically, the day we got married.) He didn't quite believe us--maybe the giggling had something to do with that --but the joke went on for waaaay too long. (Does anyone else think this was a weird joke for him to come up with??? Makes you wonder what else was on his mind...) I have been wanting a kid for some time, I just know it's not the right time yet. After a few hours, H finally confessed it wasn't true (MIL was dissapointed). I didn't realize how much I had gotten into it, but I was really down afterwards. H wanted to take a nap before work, so I went with him to his room.
I was still clearly sad. H asked what was wrong, and I said I was just kind of disappointed. I asked if we could make the joke true, instead. H then, completely serious, said, "Sure. Why not. We can start right now." Caught me completely off guard. I came up with some lame reason involving my BC why I couldn't then, and he said we could try next month. I really, really wanted to. So bad.
But I told H that we didn't have the money. I don't have insurance. And there are still a few things left I want to do before I have a kid. He told that was okay, but if I wanted one now, he was okay with that, too. (This, from the guy who was never going to get married, and definately didn't want kids...)
Wound up going to the club where H works with BIL2. It was ridiculousy busy, so BIL2 and I just grabbed a table in the corner. H was too busy for me to bother much, but he did tell me later he wished we could have actually talked more.
Sunday was good, too. Very nice waking up with H.
I told H I was taking back something I said. That I had called him manipulative when he confessed one of his main motivations for the sep was he wanted to improve our M. It sounded so contradictory to me at the time I was thoroughly ticked off at him. But I told H that I understood now. He told me he hadn't been able to come up with a better solution, and he just wished that he had done it differently. I told him it was okay, I really did understand now why he did what he did. I asked him if that made him feel better, and he said it did.
H has taken to leaving his phone in the front room at night, so he doesn't have to get woken up if xrm calls. She calls even when she knows he's asleep, which is really just rude. She had called only a couple of times in the last day (which was a welcome change), and only left one message. Saying she was going to the tattoo parlor in a few days, and wanted to know if H could go with her to pick out her tatto. (Okay, I could really rip her here for her stupidity, but that's a whole other argument on tattoos...)
It took me a few minutes to realize how funny that really was... I then asked H if she knew I had gotten my tattoo a few months back. He said he had told her, and that he had told her how sexy it looked on me. I then asked him if he thought she was just doing it to get his attention, since that had worked for me. He laughed, said he had thought of that the minute he heard the message, and was pretty sure that was true.
It started storming just as we were about to leave for errands. An absolute wall of water. H offered to move the car closer to the door, so I wouldn't get as wet. I actually think it started raining heavier after he got in the car! You could just see the sheets of water coming down.
And I was thinking about how he could have brought me an umbrella, or we should have just waited... It's still a bit of a walk, and I was very obviously going to get soaked.
Then I realized there were two ways to look at this. I could whine and b!tch about something that was out of my control--and, really, just didn't matter. Or...I could realize that it was a hot summer day, getting wet wasn't going to kill me, and I could see that I have my wonderful H back and everything else in my life is pretty good, so why waste the energy complaining? So I took off running in the rain, I'm sure looking like a complete moron in my sandals, and just laughing the whole way to the car. I was still laughing when I sat down inside, my front completely soaked. It must have been infectious, because it made H start laughing too. I must have looked ridiculous!
Life is what you make of it...
(This is where I got the title for my new thread...from the storm and the rain.)
While we were driving around, H mentioned he did feel sorry for xrm. Since, even though it was all in her head, the pain was real. (At least we're on the next phase of his getting through the EA. And, he has been griping about her more and more...) I agreed I did feel bad, since I knew what that kind of pain was like. He pointed out I didn't have much sympathy, since she was after my husband. I agreed with him, said I didn't have sympathy for anybody who went after a married person. They should realize what they're setting themselves up for--I don't care what their reasons are. (Maybe "excuses" would have been a better word.")
Later, we got my dog and went to his house to watch a movie on BIL2's really big screen TV. While we were there, she called again, and H didn't pick it up. The vmail she left him went on about how she knew she was being annoying and she wouldn't want to talk to someone who was being like her, either. The whole thing was incredibly long-winded, and he kept making the funniest faces while he was listening. He concluded she was just trying anything to get him to talk to her again. He's completely refused since her little speech that sounded like she was "breaking up" with him.
This is a good demonstration of why pressuring doesn't work. He had initially wanted to still be friends with her (before he decided she was nutty and believe her own fantasies). But her incessant calling (=pressuring) has really driven him away.
H deep friend some shrimp, doing the breading himself. He kept asking if they were good, how I liked them...so I made sure to compliment him a lot.
We watched Secret Window, which has infidelity leading to divorce as part of the central theme. I hate how watching these kinds of things can really just remind me of how much hurt I've been through. At one point, the OM-turned-bf shows up at an insurance meeting. The H (Johnny Depp) is pretty ticked off at his intrusiveness, and his just including himself in something he didn't belong.
The irony here is that H was agreeing with all of Depp's snide, snappish responses. (A little on the strange side...) The whole scene really upset me. We wound up having to pause, because I needed a break. H got upset because I was getting mad, and I told him I needed a minute to calm down so we could talk like adults. He followed me to the bathroom, and I told him I needed to use the restroom, but he kept pressing for me to talk. (This is a typical pattern for us in a fight.) I told him I really did have to go, and then we would talk afterward. He finally agreed. (This whole thing is kinda funny now, I was actually standing there squirming and crossing my feet over and over again.)
So I took my time, made sure I was calm. H had gone downstairs to check the food--and we wound up having a nice, calm, productive conversation!
I told H that I felt like Depp's character--both with xrm and OW during the first sep. (Wow, I've never actually been able to call the w**** that before...yeah for my own progress.) That I felt like he had allowed other people to get into our business, and get in between us, when they had no right to be there.
H asked if I trusted him. I told him that wasn't the problem--I trusted that he loved me, I trusted that he never intended to hurt me. But I didn't trust human nature. I said that I was frustrated with him, because I felt like he had allowed things to go to far, both with OW and xrm. He pointed out it wasn't a PA with xrm, and I agreed with him, but it was still really sickening to move out of a place that you have with your H, have some other female move in, and then it become rather obvious that she was after him all along as well.
He told me he had been very, very careful to not cross that line with xrm. (Okay, IMHO, there are several lines that shouldn't be crossed. A PA is, yes, the worst. But I think he did go over several others...mainly, when he let xrm shove her way in between us and move into that place.)
Then we started talking about our own personal "rules" to prevent affairs in the future. I had been wanting to share mine with H for awhile, hoping that he would see that they made sense, and maybe follow them as well. So I explained to H that, for me, I wasn't going to allow myself to become too close to any guys. That means no really personal, in-depth conversations. No hanging out at either person's house. Really, no going out just with me and the guy. Hanging out is okay--but it should be public, and preferably with other people. So, going out to a club or to a coffee shop would be okay in my book. And, inviting BIL2 along if he's available. (BIL2 is in a whole different category. He's, essentially, safe, being my brother. That's just too much of a yuck factor to ever happen.)
H actually completely agreed with me, and ticked off his own conditions...which were pretty much the same as mine! No personal conversations. Hanging out in groups. No going to/having someone over of the opposite gender. (Unless the other spouse is there, and that's even questionable.) And inviting me out to wherever if he thought someone was getting too interested in him. He said he had never done that before, because he felt I hadn't enjoyed that type of activity, and he didn't want me to do something I didn't enjoy. But now he feels like he can ask me to come along.
I told H that made me feel a lot better. That I wanted to ask him to do those sorts of things, but that I felt like I had gotten too demanding after OW the first time, and I didn't want to be that way.
I also told H that, what would make me feel better was if, the next time I felt someone was interested, he would just listen to what I'm saying. That I had thought xrm called too much, and he completely dismissed what I had to say. That, in the future, what would help me feel better was if he would say, "I understand your concerns. I see why you feel that way. Here's what I think..." And he said he could do that.
I told H what frustrated me the most was that H didn't see that she was trying to wedge her way in between us. That, I had thought after OW, he would have realized it. And I was so frustrated because he kept saying "she's not saying the same things as [OW]," and I kept thinking "That doesn't mean she's not interested!"
He said that he didn't realize that xrm had just wedged herself in, until she was sitting across from him on the couch and stealing his money. (Doesn't this sound like, essentially, something in DR on how affairs get started? The person thinks they just "wake up" one day with the feelings, and don't see the steps leading up to it...)
H then told me something really interesting--and I hadn't ever thought of it this way. He told me he had never really had people pursue him before. That it had only started happening in the last couple of years. That, before that, he never got a whole lot of attention. So he really felt blind-sided by these two people trying to get in the way...he had never had that kind of experience, and wasn't used to it, and so didn't recognize it.
Which, as strange as it sounds, makes complete sense. H was always telling me how he could never go out with the girl he really wanted to, how he never got any kind of attention. I was always the same way, too, when I was younger. He just honestly never thought about it, because in his mind, he didn't get that kind of attention.
It was actually a really good conversation. I think we both got at a lot of stuff that was troubling us.
Of course, I also don't know when to quit...
So I kept asking him questions. I asked him later about when xrm had asked to stay the night at his place because it was close to her job at the bar and she was tired (after I was gone and her bf at the time was out of the country) if he thought, now, she had some kind some other motive behind it. I honestly hadn't given that one a second thought myself. He said he thought that might be the case now.
The phone at the house rang, and H asked me to answer it, telling me he "wasn't home." It turned out to be MIL. Later, his cell rang, and he didn't recognize the number. It rang again, later, with a different number, and H went to answer it, but didn't get to it before it went to vmail. He wondered out loud of xrm was trying to call him from different locations in an effort to get him to answer.
I later asked him about something else that had always bugged me--why she had asked him to move into the spare room, instead of moving in with her bf, if she needed to get out of her mom's house so badly. He said she had told him that it hadn't worked with her and the bf living together before, so she didn't want to go down that road again. (Could be true...kind of makes sense...I don't know...)
Then I asked H if he felt like she had set it up to leave her bf so she could jump to him, next. He told me he thought that might be true.
I had asked these off and on throughout the movie. I think the theme of infidelity leading to divorce had gotten to me. H told me then that he felt like I was digging, trying to find out if he had been with her. I told him that wasn't the case, that all of this helped me work things out, and as I got each little piece, I was better able to move on. And, that I would stop asking questions. I just needed the answers for awhile. I also told him that I believed him, that if there had been anything else, he would have told me by now. I asked if he wanted me to stop asking questions, and he said no, he didn't like me being upset, and wanted to know what I was thinking.
But I didn't listen to him. If I was upsetting him, I was pushing too much. So I stopped. I might have fallen into that self-perpetuating cycle again, and if he was uncomfortable, then it wasn't unproductive anyway. So I just let go of the other stuff that I was thinking of. When he did ask me if I was okay, I just said that I was tired.
He drove us back to my apartment, and was very sweet about putting me into bed. Rubbed my back, and stroked my hair, until I fell asleep.
H called me, at the end of my lunch. Said he missed me. Also told me, in his words, that he called psycho-b!tch. Pointed out that he was telling me because he knew that reassured me, and I thanked him very much for that.
He pretty much recited the conversation to me. Said he called her because he had ignored her for awhile, and wanted to prevent her completely snapping. (eg, prevent her from stalking him/me/us) That he had told her he wanted to meet her face-to-face so they could resolve some issues.
She said that she missed "seeing him." H had reacted the same way I had to that--did she mean, uh, dating, or mean as friends? He did some more probing, and pretty much decided she meant she missed seeing him romantically. (Again, never happened, this is in her head.)
Told me he wanted to meet her somewhere public, so he could tell her back off. That he was going to tell her she was acting inappropriately, and that if she continued, he would take action against her. (Meaning, legally.) That they could be friends, but not if she continued behaving in the same way. (This is to pacify her--he doesn't want to completely cut her off, since that makes crazy people like her go over the edge.) That he was going to tell her she was disrespecting his wife, and he didn't appreciate that, and someone does that, they get on his bad side. (Hallelujah, he's finally realized that she's disrespecting me!!! ) And, that he is married, that is all there is to it, and there was no contest between me and her.
He did ask me, if necessary, if I had been keeping a list of all the things she's done. I told him that they were all written on my BB (he knows about this place, don't think he's looked, but I don't care), and there were dates, if necessary.
I am a little bugged by his need to let her down gently. Although I do think he has a valid argument. How often do you hear about when the obsessive individual is cut off, they just go ballistic and someone gets hurt/killed? I have to admit, H is very good (almost scary) at getting what he wants out of people--and he's putting that focus on her, to get her to back off, and think that it's her idea.
Sometimes it seems like he is justifying his own need to talk to/let her down slower. Although, I have to give him credit, his tone of voice was harsh with her on the phone. (Details he's providing me with.) I don't think it was a full-blown EA, and then, I know I've had friends I've really been hurt by, so I'm just going to let him handle it how he wants. No pushing. (Even though I'm tempted, sometimes.)
Besides, her own obsessive behavior/believing her fantasies is going to do her in, anyway. H gripes more and more about her. The things she took (without asking), the stuff of his she messed up (he's soooo picky about that), how she drank all his alcohol, how she was/is into cocaine (he insisted she never bring it to his house)... All I need is patience, he did quit spending physical time with her once I moved and she didn't know where I was living, as promised.
Something else he mentioned... He wonders if she didn't go around telling people that he was her bf. He's had numerous people at the club refert to xrm as "his girlfriend." And, H is the kind of guy that, had it been true, he would not have cared, and would have just said they were. If it were true. He told me actually told the security guys at the door on Saturday not to let her in, that she's been harassing him.
After we hung up, a few minutes later, I really missed him. I sent him a quick message: "I was thinking of you and it made me smile. Love, always." He sent me back another one, said "I LOVE YOU TO" (Yes, misspellings, typos included...I find it kind of endearing... )
He called me a little later, wanted help filling out an application for a part-time job. English is not H's first language, so he often asks for some assistance. We talked for a few minutes, then I realized that it was not going to be a short conversation, so I told him that I was at work, and I needed to go, that I would help him when I got him. He understood.
I'm trying to find that balance between making time for him at work, and setting boundaries on what is too much time on the phone with him. I think I did okay. I don't want to talk to him constantly, but a few brief calls are okay.
Slowly--thanks for stopping by! I didn't have internet for awhile, and then I was busy at work...you know how life can get in the way.
Yesterday was a good day. Amazingly, xrm didn't call at all after H told her they "needed to talk." Yay!
When I got home, H had cleaned up my apartment and unpacked some. I couldn't believe it! I told him how great it looked--he kept saying it wasn't much, but I really did appreciate it. I made sure not to mention that he didn't do the one thing I had asked him to do (litter box--I have trouble breathing when I clean it out) since he had sone soooo much for me on his own. That's the kind of thing I would have done in the past, just didn't realize how insensitive I was being.
I did slip once, and badly. I was leaning on H on the couch, while he was playing video games, and I said I thought the whole first sep/OW/PA mess had actually traumatized me. I told him I noticed that I seemed to have some of the symptoms--guilt, the "if only I had..." type of thinking, that sort of thing. He was very quiet. I asked him if I that made him feel guilty, and he said that it did. I apologized, said I never meant to upset him, it was just that I felt like I could talk to him about anything. He agreed that was true. (I really stuck my foot in my mouth over this one...)
I then smiled, gave him a big hug, told him I loved him, and pointed out that I was still with him. He smiled back, said that that made him very happy. I think, sometimes, he feels like he's done too much to hurt me for me to stick around with him.
We wound up not making the gym last night, since H got back too late from class. Normally he would have whined and griped and thrown a fit since I backed out (I realized I hadn't eaten, I was so distracted trying to connect my dryer) and therefor threw off his schedule. But he was very sweet about it. Offered to get me something to eat or visit me on lunch at work the next day.
Since the gym was a bust, he wanted to swing by his house to pick up a few things (and take them to my place). He showed me some pictures of him and a friend when they went shooting. This got me really upset. It was such a weird chain of things leading to it, too.
Looking at these pictures reminded me that he still had pictures of that w**** he slept with around somewhere, undeveloped. Which just drives me crazy. I've asked him several times to destroy them. He hates her, but refuses, telling me "it was part of my life, and I don't want to forget it." I would like to forget it!! I even thought about developing all of his pictures, and then mutilating each and every one with her image...but...I'm not like that. They are his, and that's disrespectful. (Even though it sounds tempting.)
Which made me think of a lot of other horrible incidents that have happened over the last nine months. My mind kept going over and over them.
I curled up on the couch, waiting for H to finish with what he needed. He asked if I was okay, and I said I was tired. (It was getting late.) I was very, very careful not to snap or say anything harsh to him.
After all--he had done nothing wrong for me to be upset with him at that point. He was being incredibly sweet and caring, and was just completely doting on me. Why be mad at him when he was being so wonderful?
It was kind of strange, though...I noticed the sweeter he got, the more I felt resentful and wanted to retreat. WTF?
I realized that I had done this...well...for a long time. It was probably a major contributor to our problems. I wasn't able to drag myself out of the emotions or dig my thoughts out, but at least I could not take it out on him. And I made sure to be responsive, to not wholly and completely wall him off (he used to say that I "cut him off emotionally," and I'm finally beginning to see what he means). If he had asked me what was really wrong, I would have been honest. But no sense in berating him when he's being so nice!
H told me as we were carrying stuff up to my apartment that he was going to arrange the front room like I wanted. We had talked about a couple of ways of setting it up (it's actually kind of small). He did tell me that it was my place, and I could arrange things however I wanted. But he said he would set it up for me while I was at work today.
H has done a lot of things for me the past couple of days. When I mentioned that, he would just say "I love you." (H's LL is definately acts of service, and he's really been going out of his way for me lately.) I wonder if he's just feeling really affectionate, or if something is bothering him? I guess it doesn't really matter.
He's stayed at my place the last several nights. Although he did mention that he was considering staying at his house last night. I asked him if we were spending too much time together, if he needed some time away, and he said that wasn't the case. I wasn't bothered by the idea, I just wanted to know if I was coming on too strong.
When H came to bed later, I remember him asking me to hold him. He said he was afraid of us splitting up again. Not sure what meant by that, or what else he may have said, since I was sleep. Although he did say again that he was going to come see me for lunch.
I just realized this morning that we're at the same basic spot again--the same place we were after the first sep and the PA. The parallels are scary. A former female friend he knew from work interfering in our M. That won't go away. (OW used to come in the same day every week while he was at his old job, even after he told her to go away. Used to p!ss him off.) H is trying to get rid of her, but still feels some guilt about hurting his friend. It's been 6-8 weeks since we got back together. H is going out of his way to do nice things for me. Keeps telling me how he could never leave me, how he loves me, wants to have kids, would marry me all over again... All, almost exactly the same as before.
So...here's my chance to rewrite history! I actually think, as weird as it may sound, that the next couple of months are even more crucial than the last few. Just because it feels so much like history is repeating. So this time, I'm going to make sure that I behave in a way that's more productive.
I've already changed a lot of my patterns. The real work that I need to do is to get rid of the last of the resentment I have built up in me. No more blaming H. I need to make sure I'm not digging for more apologies from him. Just makes him feel guilty, which is not what I really want. No more blaming myself. I need to have my new mantra be "the past is the past." If I change what I do, then the same thing won't happen again, and we can get on with our lives.
Thank you for stopping by my thread and for all your good advice. I should probably start a thread here soon, as soon as I have some free time.
Quote: Does anyone else think this was a weird joke for him to come up with???
I used to joke about this around my parents, in both my first M and current M. I think that I really wanted to have a kid, but I was afraid to open up and say so. I would joke around to see W’s and my parents reaction to it. It was funny that when my father began joking about it, it was no longer a joke. W was already pregnant with D4.
Quote: This, from the guy who was never going to get married, and definately didn't want kids...)
This was definitely me also. I would always say that I did not want to get married and have kids, but deep inside I wanted the opposite.
MakDaddy
MakDaddy's (Charles Bronson) New Thread - Still Focusing on positives
Hey Mak, thanks for stopping by. Some interesting thoughts...
Quote: I think that I really wanted to have a kid, but I was afraid to open up and say so.
I wonder if this isn't true with H, also. He told me when he was in high school, he used to daydream about being married and having kids. Then, I think the responsibility scared. He's always saying he's like his dad (his dad is a deadbeat who abused his mom). Sometimes I think it's not that he doesn't want kids, it's that he's afraid of it.
It also may be that H has let me in more, emotionally. He's always told me everything. I know more about him, the secrets that he is afraid of, that sort of thing, than anyone. But I know I feel like he's less afraid to feel things with me. He also told me, once that, that he finally felt close enough to me, that he loved me that much, that he did want a kid.
Quote: I would always say that I did not want to get married and have kids, but deep inside I wanted the opposite.
Nevanna, just checking in. So glad that things are working out and also glad that you are thinking your way through piecing so as not to fall back on bad habits. You are doing great!
Had to run by my parents' house because of a weird car problem, but then I headed home. We decided I would run by my place to change clothes, then meet H for the gym. He called me later because he missed me, and wondered when I was going to be there. I had stayed for a little while to feed the dog and do some stuff around the place.
When I got over to H's, he was wrapped up on the computer. Which kind of irritated me, since he had just called to say how much he missed me. So I went downstairs to watch TV. This has been an effective tactic for me in the past. I used to hang around, waiting for him to "wake up" and give me a little attention. (I only wanted an acknowledgement that I was there!) However, I learned that if I leave the area, H will eventually (usually doesn't take too long) come looking for me. Which fills my emotional need, without me whining or being clingy. It worked again, and H came down a few minutes later, and said he was ready for the gym.
The gym was fun. H spent too much energy jogging, and was pretty tired when we got to the weights. I asked if he wanted to go home, and he said no, he wanted to finish. A little while he said he was out of energy, but insisted we stay. I suggested an energy drink. That helped some.
While we were working with different machines, H started chatting with three other guys. Very street type. One had on a dew-rag and those large, gold chains--the kind that go down to the middle of your stomach. They looked like the kind of guys who would fit right into a rap video. I heard them all laughing, and just assumed they were chatting it up about typical guy things--locker room talk, or tattoos, or something of the sort.
When H came over later, he told me that the four of them were talking about babies. Babies! (LOL!!) ASSumptions...
H then asked me if we could leave. Said he was really tired. I only had a little left to do, and he did offer to stay, but I said it would be okay to go.
H also told me how much it irritated him when xrm would call and wake him up in the mornings because she "missed him." (He said that while he rolled his eyes.) I told H that I tried to be considerate and let him get enough sleep, since he works nights. He told me he doesn't mind when I call, since he likes to hear from me.
As we left, H asked me if I would stay over at his place. Said he wanted to get some stuff done, but didn't want to go the night without me. So we swung by my place to pick up some clothes and my dog.
While we were there, I gave him a big hug, and asked him if he missed living with me. He nodded his head so rapidly I swear I could hear a rattle.
H did tell me that he misses being able to go out with me. Since he works weekends and I work days, there's an obvious clash there. I refrained from pointing out that it's pretty much his doing that we are this way. I could tell it really makes him sad, especially when I talk about plans to go out with other friends or his brother. The couple of times I've had an extra day off, he's managed to find something else to do so we couldn't go out. I think I'm going to try and get him out on a Sunday night, since all the bars close down at midnight anyway, and that wouldn't make me too incapacitated the next day (especially if I don't drink too much).
We also talked some more about how to rearrange my living room. There aren't a whole lot of ways to do it, since it's fairly small. While I was gathering stuff, H was nice enough to shove things around. We decided it looked nice, so I think it's going to stay that way. He keeps emphasizing that it's "my" place, yet he also talks about what to do with some of his stuff there and what he wants to add. LOL. I think it's cute, though.
After we left, while we were driving, H asked what kind of car we should get for when we do have kids. I said I thought we were fine for now--mine would be okay with one kid. H then said we should consider getting something bigger now anyway, to be prepared, since we're going to have several. (Mak, you reading this???)
I voted against a mini-van--too soccer mom. (No offense to stay-at-home-moms/soccer moms, it's just not my style. Kind of like I hate the color pink and things like flowery wallpaper. Just not me.) SUVs got ruled out since they are easier to roll over than other vehicles. I suggest some sort of sports sedan--a larger, four-door car, but that still had some pep to it when you drive. I have a thing for sports cars.
It was late, but I agreed to play some monopoly on the computer with H. These are the kinds of things that are important to him. I lounged on the bed while he ran the game for me, until I was nearly falling asleep.
H did mention that one time, he found xrm wearing a shirt of his. A shirt BIL1 had brought back from the war over Christmas for H, and that H had yet to wear. (Hellooooo, yet another big neon flag that she was waaaay to comfortable with him.) He told me he got mad at her, that she gave some excuse about "not having anything to wear." (H hates it when people get into his things, and she would have had to have gone into his room, his closet, to get that--without his permission. He probably would have let her wear something if she needed it, but the point is that she didn't ask.) And that he felt that the shirt was "tainted" now.
I asked H why he didn't think that was incredibly obvious, and he recited the whole thing about how he was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. That he knows he comes across as interested in people when he's not, and thought she was the same way. I can understand that, but there are just sooo many things that the more I hear, the less plausible that is. Although he did proceed to gripe about all the things she just helped herself to that were his. (Big pet peeve.)
The whole thing really ticked me off. Maybe because I was tired--I'm grumpier when I'm tired. I should have let it go, but I kept b!tching about it. I need to apologize to him later...
H came to bed very, very late. It was hot, and I remember being sprawled out on my stomach. When he layed down, he put his head on my back. Very sweet. And when I got up, he pulled me down a couple of times. He'll deny it, but he does this all of the time.
Still nothing from xrm...woohooo...I'm going to do a little victory dance.
Just got off the phone with H. He called me because he missed me. I had sent him two cutesy messages earlier--one text (ILY, in Spanish) and a sappy vmail.
H told me that the dog had been good when he took her back to my place. He also said there was a "suprise" for me at my place--but he wouldn't tell me what it was. I asked if it was cute, and he hemmed and hawed. Which probably means it was an Act of Service--his primary LL. (I'm hoping now that he cleaned out the litter box... )
He also mentioned he picked up some more classic games on PC (Clue and something else), so we can play on the computer together. He must really like the suggestion he made about putting the loveseat over by the computer in the little dining area (sorry, no dining table--it was bumped in favor of my computer ) so we could mess around on the computer together. He keeps coming up with cute/sappy things we can do together...
I mentioned to him that I am eating with my parents once I get off of work. He hedged around that one, as well. I told him I knew he didn't want to go--then provided him with an easy out, mentioning he wouldn't have time, since he has to go to class later. I offered to get him some take out, and he liked that idea.
Which reminds me. I need to figure out a way to smooth over the edges between my parents and H. (Especially with all of the recent talk of having a baby.) They've had a problem with him ever since he called him them up and told them to come help move my stuff.
As weird as it sounds, I've been planning on snapping at them the next time they make a snide comment or give one of those looks. I realized that I had started doing the snapping thing with H because that has always worked with my parents--in a weird sort of way, it makes them stop and actually think. With H, it does the opposite--puts him on the defensive. Duh, different approaches work with different people.
So I've been waiting for a good opportunity to have a crack at my parents. I've had different responses cooked up in my head to various situations, but haven't been able to use them yet. No more playing nice for me, so I don't "ruffle any feathers" on some sort of "special occasion"--since that's pretty much the only time I spend around my parents, anyway.
Besides, I don't want my mom treating H the way she does my brother's gf. She badmouths the gf in front of my brother's S3--which is completely inappropriate. She's not going to do that with my kids. And if I think she might, she won't get to watch them without one of us around.
But that's way ahead.
Anyone else have advice in this area? I'm sure it's got to be a problem for more people than me.
--but the joke went on for waaaay too long. (Does anyone else think this was a weird joke for him to come up with??? Makes you wonder what else was on his mind...) I have been wanting a kid for some time, I just know it's not the right time yet. After a few hours, H finally confessed it wasn't true (MIL was dissapointed). I didn't realize how much I had gotten into it, but I was really down afterwards. H wanted to take a nap before work, so I went with him to his room.
H then, completely serious, said, "Sure. Why not. We can start right now." Caught me completely off guard. I came up with some lame reason involving my BC why I couldn't then, and he said we could try next month. I really, really wanted to. So bad.
