My husband still isn't "in love" with me, but moved home because separation didn't really do for him what he thought it would (give him time away from me to think and figure out why he was so unhappy). He still doesn't feel "connected" to me, but feels that our relationship is going well because we're taking time to do things together and time to do things for ourselves.
We plan to continue this, continue doing dialogue questions from retrouvaille, and stay active in the retrouvaille program. For now, he's not too interested in going back to counseling. I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, it didn't really help us too much. On the other hand, I don't want to drift along like this forever.
There is a family reunion on my side of the family in August, and every time I brought up buying plane tickets, dh was very non-committal. I finally asked him if it was because he didn't really want to go or what? He said that it wasn't that he didn't want to go, but he feels uncomfortable with that side of my family in the first place (feels intellectually intimidated --as do I sometimes!) and if we were still separated, he'd feel even more awkward.
So....now we're not separated. How long should I wait before I bring up buying the tickets? I'm one of those people who likes to have everything planned and I don't want to wait too much longer, but I definitely don't want to pressure him!
Another question...dh and I are total conflict-avoiders. We figure this has to be a problem, yet several people who've been happily married for 25+ years have assured me they are exactly the same way. Do you think no conflict=no passion? I worry that this is part of the reason dh and I don't feel really connected, yet I can't manufacture conflict! The only real problem I have with him is that I do 90% of the housework stuff and he claims to have no problems with anything about me.
Retrouvaille gave us a great framework in which to resolve conflicts, but every time we look at the list of possible conflicts, we can't come up with anything we really feel strongly enough to "fight" about. Unless we're both in total denial. That's possible I suppose since we hate conflict so much. I'm so confused!
First I'd like to congratulate you on having H home. But remember you're still in the DB mode. You can't stop just coz he came home. You probably still have issues to resolve.
As for the conflict, I'm not sure. My H and I really didn't have any conflict either except for petty things like how I didn't like the way he folded laundry or whatever. Now think...does he spend a lot, too thrifty, stay up too late, drink a bit excessively on occasion, watch too much sports? There's probably something there you just have to dig a little deeper and think about it.
So, I take it you've been to retrouvaille. Was it recent? I've thought about it but since we are S, I didn't think it would have the same impact on us as someone who is "thinking" about it.
As for the plane tickets, goes back to my comment above that you are still DBing. Why not check out the info and get the data about the tickets and then propose to H that you have the price and dates at X and he has X # of days to get back to you so you can "close the deal". Then, order the tickets w/or w/out him. Hey, it's not really like it's his decision to stop you. And you have to respect his decision to stay home. So, he has issues w/your family, (seems like a conflict here), there's no reason to force it. As you have learned, you need to let WAS figure some of this out on his own. If he feels intimidated, he could always change the subject or become educated on a specific topic to feel more intellectual. I can understand his position but again it's that unconditional love thing to me. Good luck........
Hey mom, great position to be in. Now you can DB 24-7.
Congratulations, and keep up the good work. Remember, only believe 1/2 of what he says. Maybe he is saving face by saying it was no good to separate anyway. (Or maybe he really believes it.) What matters is that he is home.
Quote: So, I take it you've been to retrouvaille. Was it recent? I've thought about it but since we are S, I didn't think it would have the same impact on us as someone who is "thinking" about it.
He dropped the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bomb in mid January, moved out Feb 7, and we went to retrouvaille the last weekend in Feb. It really helped us reconnect and we were closer and felt more intimate with each other by the end of that weekend than we'd felt in years. I think retrou only works well if both of you go into it willingly and with open minds. It worked wonders for us. We'd be far down the road toward divorce -- or still completely foundering around -- if we hadn't gone.
Thanks for the advice. The trip came up last night and he's totally talking as though he's going now So I guess I don't have to dwell on that any longer!
Hi Mom - Welcome to piecing - and GREAT news about H moving back I'd like to echo Rottz's comments - Alien is still probably in residence, to approach with caution at all times. Slowly
First: Congratulations !!! on your husband moving back.
Second: Conflict avoiders I've found to have more troubles in marriage than those who openly conflict. Briefly, my wife is a conflict avoider whose family did not talk about personal items. So, she tends to just stew and not bring up important things. This is terrible for me and is like driving without headlights or lines painted anywhere on the road.
A moderate amount of conflict is a good thing. An example: my wife and I had probably one significant argument in the last several years. However, in large part due to her conflict avoidance, she just filed for divorce. (!?!?!) Where's the middle ground in that? So, please add some conflict / negotiation / being willing to discuss things.
Having no arguments can seem great (I thought so) but can also mean things are horrible. Without some discussion or initiation by either party, how can anyone really navigate such waters?
I do try and bring things up if I feel strongly about them. I think our problem is that the things that bug us are often things we tend to think aren't important enough to mention. At least that's what dh claims and I feel mostly the same way.
I think I mainly need to make sure I'm communicating and not assuming. For example, I just started riding a bike again after many years and am enjoying it a lot. I assume my dh wouldn't be interested in joining me for a ride (and I'm 99% sure he'd say he wasn't) BUT I haven't even asked him. I think that sort of thing happens a lot in our marriage.
I am also guilty of assuming. So, ask. I have found that several times when I have assumed H feels a certain way, I am either WAY wrong, or find that he is partially amenable to the suggestion.
Since dh moved home last Friday, things have been going so well! In spite of the fact that he's been very sick (finally went to the urgent care center last night and found out he has a sinus infection) he was Mr. Helpful Husband all weekend, doing dishes, laundry, child care, asking what I needed him to do, being very affectionate, etc. On Sunday night he asked if I wanted to play cards after dinner instead of just plunking down in front of a DVD as he usually would have. This morning he saw that I was running late and got our 19-month-old dressed and gave her breakfast without me asking him to! I made sure to thank him for everything -- I think he's really trying to reassure me. It's lovely anyway.
So I guess I don't have to dwell on that any longer! 
