Just wanted to stop in and say i'm sorry your feeling so frustrated... but from what I understand of DBing... letting go of epectations will set you free. assume that H will not be home that way you will not have to be upset when he doesnt get there... only a suggestion and sooo much easier said then done. I know that my H hates feeling like he has to check in, I know it is respectful to do so, but for me it is control.. I want him in a specific place at a specific time... It is something I have had to let go for my own peace... Sometimes when we act as though something doesnt bother us, we get more respect!! backwards I know.. and i'm really just a newbie, you have been Dbing a lot longer.. i just wanted to offer up some support for all that your going through, just try to find some ways to reduce stress for yourself... Hugs.
My W never wait for me to have dinner. I don't mind if the kids eat first. My mom is like you. Always wait for my dad before start eating. I used to call home when I was late. In the last 2 years I stopped doing it. My W does not seem to care whether I am home or not.
Today and tomorrow I will enjoy my time with kids. I spoil them and take them out tonite and tomorrow lunch. My W enjoy her time with the om also. But I don't care anymore. Maybe it shows that I don't need my W anymore. Time to go our separate way??
The evening you describe is very familiar to me and I'm very familiar with that anger and frustration. They were my constant companions for years. So, I hope you won't get mad when I say you're doing it to yourself. I've got the same control issues. If you stop to look at it, that's what's going on. I've been through the same thing, getting mad and frustrated and then trying to get H to accept the responsibility for my anger. It's a no win.
You have to really and truly drop the rope. H knows you're making dinner, he knows what time you usually eat, right? So, if he's not there, he's on his own. You just have to convince yourself that everyone else is not your responsibility. I'm not saying be nasty about it, but rather the opposite. Be very nice but just stop trying to control the world around you (this sounds much harsher than I intend). If people don't do what you think they should be doing, you let yourself stress because it's not 'right' (I know it's also the issue of preparing food for them, but...).
Imagine what it must feel like to not even worry about other people? It's very hard for controlaholics like us, but it's worth the effort to let go. It's like the 12 steps - accept that you have NO control over others. It's incredibly liberating - you'll feel great, I promise.
Except for your children, just try to let everyone else go. They're adults - they know how to dress, feed, and take care of themselves. When I really took my H's feeling that I'm controlling to heart, I realized that most of what I did that I thought was thoughtful, helpful, and just being responsible, was actually controlling (or perceived that way). I thought I was just doing - I was amazed how much I was 'controlling'.
Examples - You say you're expected to fix meals? First of all, who expects it? Second, ok you fix the meal - and whoever is there gets to eat it. If they're not there and haven't called, you just clean up as you normally do and move on. You have no further responsibility and no obligation to stress about it. They are not going to starve.
Second, after already feeling put upon, you go on to do further work, cleaning, which if you're anything like me, really pisses you off and sends you over the edge because H never does his fair share. You don't ask anyone else to do it even though so far your H has had a free ride that evening. But some of your controlling worked because H was scared into helping with the vacuuming and moving furniture.
I know I'm sounding like a smarta$$, but it's only because it sounds as if we're twins in an alternate universe. One of the things I've had to learn is to stop doing things, stop saying yes when I don't want to whatever, stop being responsible for others - then becoming mad because I'm doing everything, doing something I didn't want to do, and being unable to control others. You have to become comfortable with that feeling that some things just aren't getting done or being done 'right' (which means our way).
AND learning to ask directly if you want someone to do something. A big one! And then, if they don't do it after saying they will, do not pick up the rope.
I think this whole thing would be a big 180. I think it would be way more effective than having any kind of quiet talk with your H. I'm not sure I would even bother with the talk - do you think your H doesn't know that you were angry and why? I'm sure he's become an expert on reading your moods.
I hope I'm not being too 'know-it-all'. It just really helped me when I was able to change this dynamic, and the effect on my H was very positive, even though I was doing less for him!
Feel free to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about.
I agree that this isn't something to pursue too heavily. If anything, just let him know that dinner will be ready at 6:30pm every day unless he calls you and lets you know he'll be late. If he's there after 6:30, he can reheat the food himself.
I don't think they were being jerks, they were just being men. Men and women see things differently.
Hi, Wishing, Stopping in again to see if anything new has progressed. I think H's butt had grown permanently attached to the fence! A thought on the tone. What would H do if you responded - immediately - when he was talking nasty, with a polite. Please don't use that tone of voice with me. I don't deserve it. Now, what were you saying?" It would let him know immediately that it was an issue. It seems you let it fester until you are alone, and by then he's forgotten what you are talking about. I know my H is clueless about what is bothing me unless I tell him.
Both Kelli's and In4Ride's advices are valid. I would try myselfif I were you. In4Ride's comment is valid for me too. If I don't take my W's action to heart, I will feel better. If I offer something to my W and she did not take it. I will move on. If I am upset about it, it is no good to me. This attitude can be learned. It will free a lot of my burdan.
But, H asked for a D last night and even had the paperwork in the car. They were the papers he had had drawn up last Aug. He couldn't give me updated ones because his L is out of town until next week.
We had a long drawn out talk about how to split things which of course we don't see eye to eye on.
H has been planning this for a long time and pretty much has his ducks in a row on how things will work out. However, he could have picked a little bit better timing seeing as how we move D18 to Notre Dame in two weeks and S14 and I start school in a little over 2 weeks. Since H has been planning this for so long, he could have at least had the decency to give me the summer to get my act together.
After we had had a major talk, I told H I needed his business financial records, so at 11:30 last night we went to his office and he made me copies. We then went home and talked in the car some more. D18 had come home from a vacation while we were at the office. I went upstairs to dry my eyes a little, but H went to D18 and told her what "we" were doing. I could not believe that something this major we wouldn't have told her together. Now, I have no idea how the other kids will be told.
The only bright spot in the whole evening was when I mentioned a seperation instead of a D. H seemed to jump on that and even told D18 that he would check that out today.
I did ask H to move out although last night he did sleep in the basement. I noticed this morning that when he left he had taken his suitcase and the newspaper (I am assuming to look for a place to live).
I am very sorry for what you are going through. I know that you have mentally expected something like that will happen. But when it happens, it really hits you.
But remember Michele's book, S does not mean D. Sometimes two of you need to S for awhile to find out the real feeling to each other. IMHO, give the best impression to your H before you go dark on him. Use the LRT. He shows a positive response to S, and not D. May be he needs to sort out his true feeling alone. Maybe after S, he finds out that he really misses you.
In the mean time, live your life the the fullest. Be happy. It does not matter whether your H comes back or not. You must be happy yourself. If your H comes back, it is an icing in the cake. If not, you move on with your life.
We are here to comfort you. May God bless you with peace. I will keep you in my prayer. Big hugs from me.
I think this has been the longest day of my life. Thank goodness D18 has stuck around me for most of the day. She took me out to get some sleeping pills which the doctor ordered, then later out for tanning and then for supper. what a life saver she has been. I don't know why, but I am still hesitant to tell friends and family until I know just what H is up to. S14 and D21 will be here tomorrow afternoon, but I am not sure when I will tell them.
I asked D18 if asking H to move out was the right thing. She hesitated a moment and said "Ya, you needed to to save your sanity".
D18 also went to our pastor and asked him to come over...so spent an hour or so talking to him. That sure helped. I have tried to keep busy today but time is just dragging. I am hoping the pills will help me get a good nights sleep so I can cope a little better tomorrow.
I know that a separation is not a D, but I really think that H feels he has no choice but to D.
I am hoping that H goes along with a separation, but I don't know what that entails since H wants something legally binding. At least I don't think we would have to split assets right away and I think the kids would feel better about a S as opposed to a D. Who knows???
I have had no contact with H today and won't unless he initiates it or it involves the kids. This is so hard!!
