I'm thinking about you saying there's a pattern in your R. This is something that sounds like it needs some focused attention, and something different, which you already know. What could you be doing that would be very different from what you're doing now? Can't remember, is your H P/A? It could be that it's his way of controlling, consciously or not. He makes you ask, and then he gives little tidbits of information.
What if you just didn't worry about what his plans are and just made your own, and of course keeping him informed of YOUR plans in a very friendly manner. My H seemed compelled to start telling me his plans when I stopped acting concerned about it and went my own way. I stopped asking anything about his activities except to ask how it was afterwards (didn't want him to think I didn't care at all). If something conflicted, well I guess he should have told me sooner . I didn't take ownership of knowing what was going on, because clearly I was clueless.
My H is a non-talker also. You probably know this, but I find the less I talk (very difficult for me), the more he does. I also started asking more conversational questions rather than just talking - things that required a response from him. But NEVER any questions/conversaton related to R, his feelings, his plans, etc. Just misc. topics - current events, biking, his work, the dogs, whatever. It's almost the type of conversation you have when you start dating someone, when you're trying to get to know the person.
I often think my H is deaf also. I think these guys live in their heads so much they tune everything out. It's also possible your H is like mine in that he needs a looonnnggg time to process. My H almost always tells me things eventually, but eventually can be a long time coming with him. I've come to think that sometimes he has been afraid to tell me things, trying to avoid a reaction he doesn't want to deal with. One of MY biggest changes is to not react immediately to things until I take the time to process it.
Obviously, not talking so much to H has caused me to become much more verbose in other forums - sorry my posts are so long.
In4 Ride..... The only time I have asked H to share his plans is when it involves me getting rooms ready for company or something with the kids. I absolutly HATE the not knowing what is going on in H's life, but I, for the most part, dropped that ball long ago.
I really don't know much about the P/A type of person, but I do know that H is VERY controlling and I have come to realize just how many areas of our lives he tries to control. It is even to the point that his underwear has to be folded just so (in fact, H asked me the other day who had folded his underwear because it wasn't done the "right" way).
Quote: I often think my H is deaf also. I think these guys live in their heads so much they tune everything out. It's also possible your H is like mine in that he needs a looonnnggg time to process.
When we were in C a couple of years ago the C told me that H did indeed take a loooong time to process things, and would evaluate everything from every angle before coming to a decision. I understood that then, and still do, but 30 months is an extremely long time to keep me in limbo. However, that can also work in my favor. H had D papers drawn us last July and has still not gotten around to having them served.
H actually made it home on time for supper tonight and was even in the same room as me for most of the evening......and even talking a little for a change. That was sure a nice surprise!
One thing that I have noticed the past few weeks is that H is asking me questions about where I have been or what package I received, or even what meetings I have to attend. That is a change! It is almost as if H is suspicious of me.
In all honestly my life is an open book and most all of my activities on written on the calendar (although some are in code ) Is it my fault that a couple of girl friends I have made through teaching actually go by names that are normally guy names, and I don't hestitate to bring their names up in conversations?? Or that a guy friend's computer crashed and he called here at a time that H was not supposed to be home to get my email address (and H answered the phone and took a message)???
Life feels like a game....and I plan on winning!!!
Don't give up yet and you'll win. Your H has thought through for so long and he does not make decision. I don't think he wants to leave at all. Unless you give him a new reason to. It is not easy to leave a M after twenty odd years. He said that his A has ended last year. Why should he start now if it did not work out by then. If jealousy can help your cause, do it. But I am not certain. It depends on your H's character also.
In my case it is more complicated as my W can't think straight because of her depression. SHe does not trust me either. That is the difficult part. Unless she trust me and want me to help her, it is very difficult for her to open up to me. What can I do to help her trust me? Be her friend?
Yesterday afternoon I spent a very uncomfortable couple of hours with H filling out a financial statement. Supposedly it is for the bank. We had to fill one out 2 years ago when H was starting his business. But, H has paid back all he had borrowed to start his business and has not had to borrow any money in a long time, so I do not understand why the bank would want one now.
The way H acted while we were gathering the info and filling it out was almost like were were dividing our marital assets. The form would ask for our IRA totals or cash value on our life insurance or retirment accounts; I would list the numbers off to H and then add everything together since only totals were asked for. H would then make notations on the side of exactly how much each of us had. (At one point I pointed to what H was doing and said that that made me uncomfortable, and H just shrugged his shoulders).
A little later I told him that I did not want bimbo secretary to see any of the numbers we were putting down. H assurred me that she would not but told me that she does have access to all the business financial records. To which I replied that I did not. H then said I could look at them anytime. H then went into work for a few hours and came home late and put a copy of the business balance sheet on the island, but made no comment to me about it. I noticed this morning that H had put it will my mail so I would be sure to see it.
I haven't commented to H about it yet, but the business balance sheet does have me concerned. Supposedly, H's business is a sole proprietorship. On the balance sheet it shows the capital account many thousands in the red, but also shows a retained earnings account (which I thought was only for incorporated businesses). It is absolutely terrible that I trust H so little.
Other than that, things went fine until H, S14 and I went out for breakfast after church. Because of a State swim meet, S14 will miss the bus for a church camp on Sunday, so we have to take him to camp which is about 4 hours away. For the last month or so I have been talking about "we" taking son out and that I was looking forward to seeing where son has gone to camp for the last few years. At breakfast H said that he had arranged a business meeting for the following Monday. I said that was no problem for me because I have relatives there that I would love to spend the day with and H could drop me off there and pick me up when he was done and it would only be about 10 minutes out of his way. H then had a "deer in the headlights" look and stammered something back along the lines of "I plan on going alone". I was so shocked I was speechless.
There was nothing but guilt written all over H's face. I let it drop, but before he leaves I will ask him directly if he is meeting with a woman. My line is firm and I will no way, no how tolerate another affair, whether emotional or physical.
After breakfast we went home and spent most of the day putzing around the house, but comfortable with one another. Then all of a sudden, H come hurrying to the basement where I was cleaning and said he "had" to go back to the office. I said OK, and did not ask what could possibly be going on at the office that he had hurry there on a Sunday night.
This summer I have been doing many of the things that I gave up for 2 years because I was so busy just trying to please H and be available for him. I have come to realize that I am very much OK alone and I have so much to keep me pleasantly busy.
I am just finishing up a quilt for S14 to take to his swim meets. S14 had been using one I had made when I was in junior high, but it is falling apart. So, S14 and I picked out material last week and I got busy and almost have it done. Since the quilt will spend a great deal of time on the grass/cement at meets, I made a simple one of 5" blocks that we tied. I did the sewing but S14 did the tying. It was a wonderful project for us and good quality time with son.
I am also working on a double wedding ring quilt for D23 and anther sample quilt for son's bed. I also got the store room cleaned out and hope to start on refinishing a chair and building a shelving unit to hold all my thread. So much to do and so little time since school starts in less than a month.
I wish I know the answer about why your H did what he did. Why can't the WAS decides one way or another. Either leave or work on M.
I am also at loss with my W's behaviour. Yesterday she went for 2 days business trip. She did not call at all. It is just interstate. It shows that she is still in limbo land. Why did not she leave and let me move on with my life if she does not to work on our M. She can follow her dream life with the om. She is the one who decided to stay. Why can't she then try to work on our M?
I stopped by H's office yesterday to get the info on picking BIL from the airport. H was there alone but acting so incredibly guilty. I sure wish I knew what was going on.
H and I had organized a supper and family softball game for S14's team before their last game last night. It was sure a nice time and had lots of fun! I never was any good at softball but did manage to hit the ball everytime up to bat and even made it home a few times. (My hips are sure feeling it today!)
For most of the supper and game H physically distanced himself from me....which, of course, is very hurtful. I just went on and had a good time anyhow. However, I did notice that later in to the game he did come up and stand withing talking distance of me....and we shared different highlights of the game. The ride home afterwards with S14 and H was filled with laughter, and so was the retelling of the evening to BIL and D18.
BIL is here for the next week or so. Since H usually turns ugly towards me when BIL is here I am kind of antsy to see what happens.
I'm off to start refinishing a chair and hopefully get some time in on S14's quilt today.
It is difficult to understand what our S is thinking, don't we? It seems that they are from other planet.
Hope your H is not behaving strangely when your BIL is with you. I don't want to spend my time to understand my W. I just do thing for myself. If she comes along, fine. If not, I don't care also. It is hard tolive with a depressed person.
I am not sure if your H is also depressed? I would suggest that you enjoy your time with your kids. If H comes along, enjoy the time together. If he does not, it is his loss. Continue to live your life as happy as you could. I hope one day your H will come out from his shell.
I didn't see H yesterday until him and BIL walked in the door for supper. As usual, H said "hi" to the kids and asked about their day, but not a word to me....not even a "hi". We had a full table at supper and we were all talking and I asked H if he had finished a powerpoint he was working on. H gave me a dirty look and in a nasty tone said, "no, but I gave it anyway". Everyone at the table kind of gasped at the tone. It didn't take me long to finish eating and leave the table.
I was sewing a while later and H came in and said he and BIL were going back to the office and wouldn't be late getting home. I told H fine, but asked if he would talk nice to me when he got home. H then asks me if he hadn't talked nice to me tonight. I brought up the incident at supper and H knew the exact words he had said, but did not have a clue about the tone of voice he used. I told him I should get a tape recorder so he can hear the tone he uses.
H got home very late but I was in bed reading. H at least was pleasant for a few minutes until I asked him if he was going to a funeral today. H just turned on me and snapped "NO". I am sure I stared at H with astonishment since this was a lady that just a couple months ago H insisted that we "adopt" for an away weekend swimmeet and give her and her son a ride every which way and make sure they got to places. I just don't understand H at all.
I don't think your H knows what impact his tone on you when he speaks. He may not mean it. But he gave you an imppression of he was unpleasant. It is good that you gave him feedback. It is a good beginning of mutual understanding.
Maybe once BIL leaves my level of frustration will go down. I am just about over the top.
Unless something is said otherwise, supper is always planned for 6:30 (I prefer 5:30 but it is another control issue that I let H win). H and BIL were not home at 6:30 and S14 had to eat since he had a meeting. So I called both H's cell and office phone to let them know we were eating, but no answer. So son and I ate, cleaned up, and left. As we were pulling out of the driveway H and BIL came driving up, but we left anyhow. I was fuming. When I get a quiet monent with H I am going to have to let him know that it is very hurtful to me to fix the meals that I am expected to fix and him not even to have the courtesy to let me know he will not be home to eat. I don't have a problem with H not being home for meals; I do have a problem when I go through the time and effort to make good meals and then he doesn't show up.
When son and I got home, H and BIL had reheated the food and put the dirty dishes in the sink. So I did the dishes and then went to the basement for awhile to cool off. Later, I started to clean the bunny cage and H and BIL did grab the vacuum and vacuumed the sunroom and office while I was cleaning the cage. H also moved all the furniture and put it back which was nice.
I almost felt like they were trying to make up for being jerks about supper by helping me out. One of the problems that I think I have is that one of H's LL is act of service, along with words of affirmation, but those are not mine. Which means that I get little pleasure out of H "doing" things for me. I just see things he does as thing that SHOULD be done in a normal marriage. It would have meant much more to me for H just to say "sorry we were late". Somehow I am also going to have to convey that message to H. I am just so tired of not being able to talk to H without him using a disgusted tone or criticizing me. I am so gun-shy of the way H talks to me that I find myself not wanting to talk to him at all.
. I didn't take ownership of knowing what was going on, because clearly I was clueless.
) Is it my fault that a couple of girl friends I have made through teaching actually go by names that are normally guy names, and I don't hestitate to bring their names up in conversations?? 
Or that a guy friend's computer crashed and he called here at a time that H was not supposed to be home to get my email address (and H answered the phone and took a message)???