H came back from the canoe trip on Sat. and, for the most part, things have been OK. By OK I mean not a lot of tension, some sharing, doing thoughtful acts....but absolutely nothing dealing with touch or talks or anything about the future. But for now, that is alright.
Holdingon & Raindeer.....D23 knows that my M of 25 years is in trouble and what I think she is saying is that she is watching to see how I handle it. Am I willing to give up when the going is rough or is M something that one fights for.....whatever form that fighting takes. I have discussed many issues with D23 but, to this point, I have not told her anything that she has not picked up herself and questioned me about. My fear of talking to the kids too much is that if H and I do get back together that I would have driven a wedge between them and H that could not be removed.
H, S14 and I leave Friday for 4 days for son's swim meet and then to Mount Rushmore for the 4th. Hopefully it will be quality time with H.
Use the quality time with your H wisely. I have the feeling that your M will be OK. Your H is willing to work on M, although in his way and slow.
My W did not want to cut off tie with the om. Nothing works as long as she emotionally attached to the om. It is time for her to try the perfect life that she is imagining.
Life just keeps going on....some ups, some downs, and a lot of standing in one place.
I have spent an incredible amount of time with H the past few weekends either in motels or traveling since S14 has swim meets on weekends. There has been no change except for my frustration building.
I am so tired of H showing such care and concern with all the other women and laughing and carrying on conversations with everyone, and then when he is with me he initiates no conversation. Last night was the final straw. We went to my nieces 5th birthday party, and you would have thought I had lice or something. H totally ignored me, wouldn't even sit by the kids and I throughout the whole evening and was as nice as pie to everyone, but not a word to the kids or I.
It was an hour ride home, and I tried to carry on a conversation for the first half of the ride, and then gave up and we rode the rest of the way in silence.
When we got home and the kids were out of the room, I told H that I needed him to start sharing some of his life with me. (For several weeks now H has been planning a big conferece in town next week along with BIL being here for another couple of weeks, and only just told me about it last night after I was asking some questions about H's work). I told him that not talking to me made things seems like a big secret, and that I knew he was good at keeping secrets. (Heck, he kept OW a secret for 2 1/2 years!!!!) H did not say a word, but fixed himself a drink.
I waited a few minutes for H to make any comment, and when he didn't I finally told him that he either needed to start working on repairing this M or move out.
H again made no comment so I went and took care of the bunnies. H then went to the living room, watched tv, finished his drink and went to bed and I haven't seen him since.
Wishing, I wanted to stop by and check on you. I was hoping for good news or no news. Sorry to hear that your fustration is still at record highs. You certainly have made your wishes known to H, and will have to figure out what is next. Wish I had something wise to say, or a magic bullet. But I truly believe that we you can't hold on any longer, you'll know, and something will happen. Trust.
I can feel your frustration. I experienced exactly the same situation with my W.
It is good that you have told your H about what you need from him. Life is hard if your partner does not want to show commitment to improve your R.
In the last few days, my W is still grieving about her lost. My C told me to be patient. The C believes that their R is over. This time my W was given the freedom to go. She had to discuss her future with the om and talked about reality of a life together. They concluded that it is not going to work. So she realises on her own that there will be no life with the om afterall. She told me that she is going to business trip on Mon for few days. I asked whether she is going with the om. She said she is going alone. No anger this time. My C told me that she needs me to show her love now as she wants to be accepted but too ashamed to ask. This morning I hugged and kissed her on the cheek when she went to work. She did not show any rejection like last year. May be it is a new beginning? I can only go slowly.
I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult. It sounds to me as if your H is still very conflicted about what he wants. I'm thinking that it can still count as a positive that the response from your H was silence rather than a negative. That tells me he doesn't know the answer.
You've told him what you want, so now it's time to really drop the rope and proceed as if you're just not thinking about it anymore. My H only started to relax when he realized (falsely of course) that I wasn't focusing on him or the R at all. I turned almost all of my focus onto myself and what changes I needed to make in my thinking and behavior regardless of what happened in the end. I always acted as if I was unconcerned about his activities, and the fact they didn't include me.
Kelli....Thanks for stopping by. I feel like we went through a lot of bad stuff together and do wonder about you. Since you don't post on your own thread anymore I am assuming that you are doing OK?
Raindeer.....Hopefully you have hit the bottom of the rollercoaster (or rather W has splatted on the bottom and will be able to work her way up). Things really looked bad for you there, but that was also the time that you totally dropped the rope. Maybe that is what W needed???
In4Ride...I know our sitches are different but in a way they feel a lot alike. Our H's seem almost content with the status quo, but I am NOT. I don't know how to drop the rope anymore and still live in the same house.
At times I wonder if H is totally deaf...but,I agree with you that a lack of response from H probably means that he doesn't know the answer....but H has not been able to decide for 2 1/2 years now. There has to be an end someplace.
A year and a half ago, when I found out about H's 2 1/2 year A, H suggested he move out, and I told him "no". I wish so much that I would have had a firmer grasp on DBing and would have let him go, but that was then and this is now.
H did talk to me a little bit tonight about where he was today and when BIL is coming in and also what the schedule will be for the next week or so.
There is a pattern here that I don't know how to break. I am trying to not question H or put any pressure on him, but when it gets to a point that I am going to explode I say something to H......and then he usually does make some effort ease my frustrations. Then, I feel like I have forced him to do something, but which, in a normal M, would just be a natural thing to do.
I usually say something once to H, and then let it drop and look to see what happens. It is just that I have been at this for so long that I am just plain tired of it.
I was ready to let go my W and start a new life. Looking at post by Kartom in Pinkcat's thread, he quoted Dr James Dobson about reestablishing respect. Dr Dobson suggested that I have to open the cage and let the involved Spouse (my W) to decide on her own destiny. Then the WAW may reconsider her options. My W is free to choose. Maybe my W feel trapped by me and our M. When I let her choose on her own, she found out on her own that the om may not be the ideal partner afterall.
I hope your H is willing to work on your M. The book "Not just friend" is S.Glass is very good. It is very helpful if your H is willing to read.
