It is understandable that you have difficulty to trust your H after what you went through. To build the trust, your H needs to be more open about what he does and where he was without being asked. If he does that, your trust will come back. This is the advice in the book "Not just friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.
My W has also slept in the guest room for may be 3 months now. I felt more distant to her. Like a roommate instead of spouse. If she does not change, we will part soon or later.
Hope staying together in a motel help you both feel closer. I am going to business trip for a week next week. Leave my W alone. Haven't talked to her yet. The first session with S's C I have to brief her about the situation. Hopefully S will be OK.
I was dreading the 5 hour trip with H to pick up S14 but it was actually a fairly relaxing time between H and I with no hint of R talks. However, I didn't handle the whole motel thing well at all. We didn't get to the motel until midnight and we were both very tired. I had gone into the bathroom to wash up, and when I came out H had fixed us both a drink and a snack and had placed them on either side of the table between the two beds. (I thought the fixing was nice and even commented to H that he had found a stirrer for my drink, and he seemed pleased that I noticed). So, I laid on one bed and then H laid on the other and we watched tv a little. I had to get some sleep so I pulled the covers down on the bed I was on and laid down. It was only a couple of minutes later that H turned the tv and lights off and got into the other bed.
I could not believe how much that hurt. I haven't sobbed so hard in a long time but didn't want H to hear to much. After a few minutes I ended up going into the bathroom to get a kleenex, and when I came out I told H "Just so you know, I think this whole situration sucks", then laid down on my bed. After about a half hour of not sleeping while trying to stifle my crying, I got dressed and went driving around for a couple of hours. The sleeping in two seperate beds just totally devestated me.
We spent all day Fri. on the road with S14, got home late then left at 5:30 Sat. morning for a couple days for S14's swim meet. (Another night in a motel, but S14 was with us so H didn't have a choice but to sleep with me).
So have been with H 24/7 for the past 3 days and for the most part it has been a tension free time. Most of our conversations center around S14, but it is still sharing time. H continues to do the little things for me that couples do ...i.e., bring me back a roll when he gets one, sharing a meal instead of ordering 2 meals, sharing a suitcase, asing if I am cool enough in the car.... just many things that speak the language of "caring".
I am just so frustrated at the lack of physical touch. If we honestly accidently touch H doesn't always draw away with lightning speed. But, if I "accidently" touch him in any way and he realizes it wasn't a true accident, then he jerks away. After trial and error, I don't feel that I can do any initiating of any form of touch and that hurts me so much.
So for now, I just try to keep upbeat around H and try to be his friend and listen carefully to what he says. If I would have known what a slow, painful process this was 2 1/2 years ago, I am not sure I would have signed up for the "trying to save your M" gang. (Especially since there are no guarantees at the end. )
Quote: If I would have known what a slow, painful process this was 2 1/2 years ago, I am not sure I would have signed up for the "trying to save your M" gang. (Especially since there are no guarantees at the end.
hi wishing,
Nothing is garunteed...absolutely NOTHING! so just look at it as "nothing ventured, nothing gained".
As far as h sleeping in the other bed...why not look at it as maybe just maybe he took your getting in the other bed as you choosing to sleep seperately. (even if you don't believe it totally) Or heck realize that sometimes perfectly happy couples don't sleep in the same bed while at a motel...heck I recall several occassions while away on vacation my plopping myself to sleep in the "extra" bed in our hotel room for various reasons (sunburn, spinning head from drinking too much in younger years etc) that had NOTHING to do with h or my feelings for him.
Focus instead on all the positive things he is doing for you right now.
The postives are what keep me going. Like last night, H and S14 were in the sunroom watching a movie and I was watching tv in the livingroom. H went to make them a snack, but first came to see if I would like one also.
Since I have been out of school for the past 3 weeks, I have also noticed that H rarely leaves the house without at least making some comment about where he is going or that he is leaving. Until the bomb, I don't think either of us ever left without giving the other one the courtesy of telling that we were at least headed out. Awhile back I commented to H that I felt like he was slinky out of the house like he didn't want to be caught; now he lets me or the kids know. (Somehow I need to work to my advantage that H is usually receptive when I let him know what is bothering me. But at the same time I don't want to be a nag or to let him know just how little I trust him).
H has been working like a madman trying to get projects finished up around the house. Normally that would be a good thing, but the only time H has ever finished anything around one of our many homes was when we were getting ready to move. Last summer H was finishing the ceiling in D21 room and she plain asked him if he was getting ready to sell the house since that was the only time he ever finished anything. Even then, I noticed H gave one of his famous noncommital answers. It was not too long after that that H said he had a list of projects he wanted to finish since he wanted to leave the house in good shape for me when he leaves. (That was about the time he had D papers drawn up....which thankfully, I have not seen yet).
So now, finishing those projects kind of has me nervous. In addition, H has has been kind of tense around me the last couple of days, but nothing to major.
One thing I have going for me is H's commitment to S14 (although not the 3 girls). The kids give us a common bond and that is what is helping to hold things together for now.
Patience! Patience! (But 28 months of this is enough to drive anyone batty!! )
Hey WTH, new to piecing but thought I would drop by and say hey. While reading over some of your past posts I thought of the articles they have posted on the main index (down towards the bottom). In many of the articles it states that 85% of people who stuck it out for at least 5 years were very happy when re-interviewed..sounds like you are almost there. Just some food for thought! I know it gave me some hope for the future.
Take care,
TO
Me 28 H 30
Together 11 Years
Married 7
Seperated 11/2004
Divorced 4/2005
I know where you're coming from about H finishing those tasks, but try not to get too stressed. My H did the same thing after he asked tenant to leave our rental apt so he could move into it. He told me he wanted to use the money he would normally contribute to his IRA to renovate apt. He spent the next three months coming up with things to do over there and changed his mind a million times. Replace cabinets, don't replace; Repaint, doesn't need painting; New bath vanity; New toilet; Sofabed purchase; New carpeting even though existing was only 1 yr old; New Kitchen floor. The apt was empty for 3 mos while he kept coming up with other things. I was totally stressed all the time this was going on, waiting for him to let me know the actual date he was leaving. Finally, it reached the point where there really wasn't anything left to do, it's only an efficiency apt. At that point I really stressed out thinking he has to make a decision, he can't leave it empty for another month without a good reason. And I think he was also stressed at the idea he couldn't put off the decision any longer.
Bottom line is that he's still here. Fate intervened and a friend called looking for an apt for the summer, the day after the carpet was installed, the last thing that he could do to it. I guess what I'm saying is back then with all his talk about furnishing the apt, and fixing it up, I was afraid I was a complete fool for thinking he might not leave.
From the outside, it sounds as if he may also be stalling by working on all of these projects. It may also be a control thing. I think my H got enormous satisfaction out of doing the apt stuff completely on his own, because he thinks I make all the decisions about the interior of house. I couldn't believe how excited he seemed to be about changing the apt. I think it was more about controlling his own space. This from a man who seemed totally uninterested when I would try to get input about doing anything in the house. It actually kind of pissed me off.
So, can you come up with any additional things that need to be taken care of. Maybe ask if he could fix some other things and see what the reaction is. He may be glad for the excuse to stay around, but unwilling to admit it even to himself. You might even suggest a new project, something that doesn't need fixing but that you have always wanted to change. Heck, if you have to, start breaking things for him to fix.
My H seemed to all of sudden find things he needed to take care of at the house about that same time he got into the apt - stuff I never saw as needed at the time. I think in his mind he was trying to do his fair share.
TO, 5 years???!!! For some reason I just started laughing when I read that. I am just trying to get by one day at a time, but 5 years!! However, it is reassuring to know that those that have the ultimate patience can come out this not only in one piece, but happy as well.
In4Ride....Our house is 90 years old so there is always something to fix. I even have a list on the fridge of things that need to get done. H saw that list awhile ago and asked what it was, and I told him it was stuff I felt needed to be done around the house. H is an all around fixer-upper and can do about anything with the house and cars. So far H has ignored the list of things that NEED to be done, and creates his own projects.
It has not been a good day. H barely acknowledged my "good morning" before he left. H came home for lunch and it was just him and I. If I would ask a question H would answer as briefly as possible, but other than that would not talk, then kind of slinked out of the house to head back to work. So much for any form of communication.
I had to go to his office to water my plants and asked if he was busy. He very sarcastically said something to the effect that "no, he just goes to the office to goof off". I said "That's what I thought". H then said he was busy and asked "why". I told him I know my timing is always off but that "I didn't get married to be celebate, that I was having a hard time with celebacy and that we had to figure out what we were going to do about it". Then I walked out and left.
I NEED some reaction from H. I NEED some progress one way or the other. Limbo land stinks.
I am not sure what to expect from H when he gets home, but I just felt an overwhelming desire to stir the pot a little. Fingers crossed that the pot doesn't boil over tonight.
Well, you threw that ball right back in his court. Do you suppose he got the message? I hope so. I feel for you, and wish I could put something on the screen that would fix it. I'll be thinking of you.... It's okay to ask for what you want and what you need. You deserve it.
I know your feeling. For a man, without intimacy in a M is more difficult. I don't know what is in your H's mind. It seems to be similar to my W.
My W thinks also it is OK for her to live like two roommate in a house. Just share the work around the house. She does not want to do anything more to improve our M.
Before I left, I told my W that M for convenience will not work. My W seems to be quite upset about it. Can see in her face. She also started look at apartments again (searching internet sites). I am very tired with what she did. Wanted to move out, cancelled it. Many times. A friend couple who has separated for 4 years and back again mentioned to me (the W who left), that she finally realised after she left and lived alone that her H is not as bad as she thought, compared to male friends she has dated. But she came to realization only after their kids developed behavioral problems. If I am not worried about my kids, I really want to ask my W to leave.
Your H is improving. I think the main problem is that he may not be able to forgive himself. By not being intimate with you, he may be punishing himself, and may feel he is not worthy to deserve you. That is what I thought about my W. Last Sun, when she went to church nearly (not the one I go normally), I asked her whether I could come along. She said OK. But in the church, she is uncomfortable to sit near me. It is like I have a disease. She also did not take the communion. I think she is still struggling with herself. I haven't told her about I have booked conselling session for our S next week. She may feel guiltier if she knows. Why can't she let go the past and look at the future. I feel that human is imperfect. Every body made mistakes. It is no use to dwell on the past. We can learn from past mistakes. Important is to look into the future.
I really hope also that your H can let go the past and work on your future. Let us pray for our WASs.
I was real nervous about H coming home last night since I had told him at his office that I was tird of celibacy in our M. I was even more nervous since he didn't show up for supper at his usual time. I then called the office and told him we were getting ready to eat and asked if he would be home. H said he was juggling calls and it would be at least 20 minutes before he could get home. I told him I could put supper on hold til 7 and he seemed pleased that I would do that. And, H was home by 7 to eat.
H came home in a good mood, the tension that I had felt building for the last few days was gone. We ate supper, H helped clean up, I was putzing around the house, then H asked if I had any plans for the evening, and wanted to know if I and S14 would like to go to Cabela's to look for stuff they needed for their week long canoe trip. I had no plans so we headed out there. We had a pleasant couple of hours.
But, no comments or actions on my frustration over this forced celibacy. However, I KNOW that when I bring up issues that H hears me, and then, in his own way, tries to relieve my frustration. I am not sure what to expect.
)
I know it gave me some hope for the future. 
