lostlove, I think you are right in your assumption that it is not me that is causing H to stay on the fence. It would be easier to understand this whole mess if I really knew what caused it (other than a full-blown MLC). H seemed to go into MLC when he retired from the Marines where, in his last assignment, he was in charge of everyone.
Even in counseling H has only ever come up with a couple minor things that he didn't care for about me. I try to read any small clues he gives so I can do things differently, but it is hard.
Raindeer, It is confusing when H is the nice guy, which he seems to be this afternoon. Today was my last day of school for the year, and H surprised me when I got home by calling to see if I wanted to go out for supper to celebrate. H then suggested a place that is MY favorite, but H really doesn't care for...I thought that was sweet. But, I told H I really preferred somewhere else tonight and he was happy with that.
Does anyone else have a spouse who continues to consciously do nice, considerate things for them, yet make no attempt at reconnecting? (I know H can be a jerk much of the time, but when he is like that, I am not sure he realizes what he is doing.)
Couldn't resist answering. Although I'm only 6 mos since bomb, my H is also very nice and generally considerate. But, he sleeps in separate bedroom. He doesn't shy away from accidental touches anymore, but that's about as far as the physical part goes.
In fact, strangely enough my H started being more considerate and helpful around the house immediately after bomb - guilt I presume. It's hard to know where the line is between guilt and real effort.
I don't have any real advice at the moment, just commiserating (sp?). All I can say is that it's a very slow process, but you already know that better than I.
I just want to say that maybe your H lacks the skills of understanding your needs. His whole life revolved in military. He used to give orders. No need to understand a female's perspective.
I was insensitive to my W's needs before the bomb. I have learned a lot. We male are not born to be skilled about female's needs. Maybe you need to educate your H and communicate to him your needs in more direct manner. I know he has the will to do it. Just my 2 cents.
In4Ride.....It has only been the last few months that H has done much to help around the house. But then I never expected much help when I was a stay-at-home mom for 20 years. However, for the past 2 years, H has usually done only the token help of removing plates from the table. For whatever reason, for the past few months H has actually been sticking around the kitchen until it is cleaned after meals, even on accassion washing the dishes if I'm on the phone or something. He has also been putting the clothes in the dryer and taking them out if I don't get to them right away. D18 and I were gone earlier this month for a few days, and when I came home H had sorted all the laundry and had done a bunch of it. That was a first in 25 years of M! I do enjoy the extra help (and companionship) and make sure I thank H for it.
Raindeer.....I try to be sensitive to H's needs and am realizing just how much "words of affirmation" mean to him. Last night I felt like I really let him down, but I didn't mean to. .... My wireless connection went out in a storm last week, and H has been trying for several nights to figure out what was wrong. He finally pinpointed to problem to a wiring connection and spent a couple of hours fixing that. In the meantime, D23 called and I hadn't talked to her for a month so I was on the phone with her for an hour or so. During that time, H fixed the wireless connection and put my laptop on the table close to me (I thing so I would see that I could internet on it). H then talked to D23 for awhile. Almost as soon as he hung up he asked me if I noticed he had fixed the wireless for me....it was said in a tone of disgust that I hadn't already acknowleded that it was fixed. I then made sure to thank him in a couple of different ways for taking so much time to help me out.
H met S14 and I at the doctors because they needed tetnus shots for a trip they are taking. As they were waiting for their shots, we started talking about blood and H asked if I was still donating blood (I gave for the first time in years last summer). When I told him no he wanted to know why. Since S14 was in on the conversation I couldn't tell him that the real reason I have not donated again is because you have to answer questions about your partner's sexual history over the past couple of years. I won't lie, but I hate telling a stranger that I don't know my H's sexual history for the past few years. It is just one more ramification of an A. Ugh!!
It was just H and I for both lunch and supper last night and I really wondered if H would have an excuse to not come home and eat. But, he was home on time for both meals and had an OK time. We will see what today brings....
That was great. I am very happy for you. I think your H is really making effort to improve your R. Maybe in his way and not in your LL. But he is surely making effort. You just need to slowly guide him about your LL.
I can't see any progress in my home front. I took the family out on Sat lunch and dinner. My W went to work again last Sat. I did not want to cook also. Spend time to send S to have a hair cut and bought his contact lenses. On Sun W did not wake up when I went to church. I knew she did not want to go with me. After I took over the laundry, I always do it nearly daily. So we don't have a huge load to do on the weekend. Instead of using her free time for the family, my W prefers to work unpaid for her company. That is her choice.
One day I may have to say that I have enough and throw the towel. Only time will tell.
Since our 5 minute R talk last month I have noticed a definite change in H and for the life of me I can't figure out what is going on. My main point in the R talk was that things could not keep on like they were....it was not good for either H or I and it was not the type of M that I wanted our kids to think was OK.
Since then, H has seemed to be more open with me and even initiates conversations more often or shares tidbits of info. H has also started letting me know when he is leaving the place (i.e. work, pick up a part, haircut....) rather than seeming to try to sneak out of the house with no one seeing him. There have even been several moments of shared laughter where you can see the twinkle in his eye.(That part is wonderful).
On the other hand, H is also finishing up many of the little projects he said he wanted done before he moves out. So, I have a nagging feeling that maybe he has made the decision to D and wants out on a friendly note. Who knows?????
H just left on a 4 day business trip and did tell me where he was going to be each day and some of the companies he was going to visit. H actually volunteered that info which was a surprise to me. (Unfortunately, OW flew to one of those places and met up with H during their A). H was rather tense when he left this morning and I hoping that was just due to the stress of the job. I did wish him a good trip and waved good bye as he was leaving.
During our 5 minute R talk, I also told H that we needed to discuss US, but that I would wait until he was ready and he could initiate the talk. H knew my contract for next year was due, and that I had another job offer 800 miles away and I only had 2 weeks to make a decision. Well, that time came and went, so I went ahead and signed another year contract with the job I have. I didn't want to rock the boat too much by asking where our M is headed, but H knows that if we D that I plan on moving and he does not want me to move. In fact, H has said that he was doing all these projects around the house so that I would be comfortable here and want to stay. It is just frustrating!
It seems like progress (if that is what it is) is so incredibly slow, but when I compare the tension level of 2 1/2 years ago to now, there has been progress.
I don't think your H is planning anything other than try to work on M and please you. Why bother to tell what he is going to do each day on business trip if he want a D.
I know your feeling. You have made a lot of progress. However, you have not reached where you want to be. You want to go there fast. But you make baby steps every day. You know that it is better now than 2 years ago. Be patient.
I don't have patient myself. My W still does not want to make commitment to work on our M. But I notice that she did put effort to cook good meals for me. May be "act of service" is her LL? I am still trying hard to understand what is in her mind. Last night I drop my cellphone in the familyroom downstair.I went to brush my teeth. When I came down, it was turned on (I switch off after hour). Why she bothers to check on me. Is my W afraid that I have A with someone else? Why can't she stop her EA? Too many question, no answer.
Hang on there Wishing. You are making progress in th eright direction.
Again, I see a comparison between my H and yours. My H is definitely, "its over, don't discuss it", but continues to be supportive, open, and willing to do what I need if I ask. You've made the decision to give it another year by accepting the contract, so see where this next year takes you. After all, a year ago it was papers in hand.... I wouldn't color your H gone, just not sure what move to make next.
I am not sure what moves to make next either. I continue to try to be supportive of H and to validate his feelings.
One point we do get stuck on is the trust issue. At one point in our 5 minute R talk awhile back, H made the comment that he tells me where he is going on his business trips and I said something to the effect that I also knew what cities he was at when he met up with OW, but a lot of good that did since he failed to tell me who he was with. I know I told H that I just plain don't trust him.
That is a tough pill for H to swallow since H considers his word to be his honor.
Anyhow, H left Monday on business and I have talked to him several times. The phone conversations seemed to go well until any mention was brought up about where he was at or what businesses he saw that day. Mostly I ask who he saw just out of curiousity in how his business is doing.
But, I am finding if I ask where he is at, H gets really defensive and one time even asked why I wanted to know. I told him I was just trying to get a feel of how his day went and whether he had finished up with a company and moved on or whether he had to spend another day with them.
H did call last night and said he was going to be home earlier today than he had planned. We have to pick S14 up from a swim camp tomorrow and instead of leaving at 4am, H wanted to know if it would be ok if we left this evening and spent the night in a motel. (Normally I would be thrilled with that suggestion, but since H has not touched me in 4 months, I forsee it as being a rather uncomfortable situation). Not to mention 5 hours each way in the car.
It may sound strange but I am kind of scared to be alone with H. I almost feel like he wants to talk but hasn't quite figured out how to do so.
Not to mention 5 hours each way in the car.