I have been in Newcomers for about a year and a half and decided it was time to move to a place where there is more hope than panic.
Married 25 years 4 kids (14 - 23) Heard the bomb over 2 years ago (27 months ago to be precise, but who is counting?? ) Found out about an ongoing 2 1/2 year A, 17 months ago (supposedly has stopped). Asked for D last July, had papers drawn up, but H has not had them served yet.
H still lives in the house, and we are on fairly friendly terms. H continues to do many kind, considerate things for me, but yet continues to sit on the fence. The last R talk we had was last Sept. which I initiated. At that time I told H that we needed to talk some more but I would wait until he was ready to initiate.
Well, 8 months is a long time, and my patience failed me tonight, and I told H that we needed to talk soon. It was a short conversation but I said that I had promised the kids several months ago that the issues I was having would be resolved by D18's graduation (which was last week). The kids do not know what is going on between H and I, but they do know something is bothering me big time.
Anyhow, I went on to say that I did not want the kids to think that the way we are living now is the way a M should be. They are old enough to remember the way H and I used to be, and that was very happy and in love.
Anyhow, we really couldn't talk this afternoon so I told H that we really needed to talk and either move forward or end it. I also said I would once again wait until he was ready to give me some answers.
The kids do not know of H's A and he is scared to death of their reaction when they find out...which will only happen if H files for D. It has been incredibly hard not discussing my M with friends or family and especially keeping so much stuff from the kids. I guess, deep in my heart, I had hope for our M and didn't want H to suffer the fall-out of others knowing.
However, H's facial and body reaction this afternoon when I told him he needed to make a decision was not at all encouraging. Oh well, back to DBing and getting that PMA up and going.
Welcome W2H ... Well your title certainly tells where your frustrations lie. Would you give us a little more detail as to what put H on the fence and the reasons you know of as to why he is still teetering there.
Have you tried to work up to those hugs 'n kiss, by acting "as-if" ... like casually hand holding ... grab onto his arm while walking about shopping or in the parking lot to and from the car. When he does those kind & considerate things, do you respond with a kiss or a hug? Do you try to snuggle / rest your head on him while settling in for a quiet evening? If so, how does he reciprocate?
Many times its a slow process of starting out small and steadily work your way into the "bigger" stuff rather than waiting for them to one day turn it on like a light switch.
I really do not have a clue as to why H is still on the fence. All along I have thought that he must still be having contact with OW, but I asked him the other night when the last time he had had any form of communication with her, and he said it had been well over a year. When we were in C together a year ago the C told us that our R could not heal if another person was involved. So, if it is not an OW, I don't have a clue. Other than H said one time that he was scared to start over, but would not elaborate.
H's LL is "acts of service", and I make sure that love bank is filled, and also thank or otherwise acknowledge acts that H does for me.
As far as any physical interaction between us, there is NONE. It is so bad that even sitting in church together, if my arm even slightly brushes against H's, he jerks away. (A long way from a couple that would always hold hands during the sermon.) Even is bed, if I slightly touch H he will jerk away, or if he feels I am getting to close he will sleep elsewhere. So, I just figure that any physical touch from me is not a thing to be trying now.
The situation does not seem good to me right now. There have been to many little things lately that indicate H is ready to bail. For instance, H and I always serve as greeters and ushers in church a few times during the summer, but when the sign-up sheet came around this morning H just passed it on. Then, D18 is headed to Notre Dame this fall and it was suggested to her to get motel reservations for a Newcomer orientation, but H wanted nothing to do with committing to going. It seems to me like H is unwilling to make any commitments beyond a few days out. It is a scarey time.
Your patience continues to amaze me, and I am praying you have the opportunity for healing and closure. I wish I could give you some wise advice, but it's up to H, as long as you choose to let the choice be his. I think of you often....
YOur H's attitude is very similar to my W. He may be is still emotionally attached to the ow. I am not sure whether they have stopped seeing each other.
My W is also like that. Refuse to be intimate. She did not like to go with me to the church as she does not want the part that H & W kiss each other when we greet "Peace be with you". But I know my W is going to the church alone.
In th elast 6 weeks, I did not want to force her since she suffered withdrawal symptoms from stopping HRT. She started HRT again this weekend. I will talk to her again in 1-2 week time, when the HRT works again fully. I believe my W is still emotionally attached to the om. I will have to ask her directly (calmly and without anger). She may have stopped communicating romantically. But seeing the om every day makes thing more difficult.
Hope your H will respond positively. I keep you in my prayer.
Lostlove, My heart just dropped when you said that it sounded like H is still involved with OW. I honestly don't think so, but then I was suckered to before.
Kelli, I have been thinking of you also and hoping that life is treating you well.
Raindeer, Prayers are always sent your way. We have both been in this for a long time.
This just might be a little easier if H would continue to be a jerk, but no, the good guy pops his head out once in awhile. Maybe that is why I continue to have faith.
Since school is over for the year, I was clearing out my classroom and needed a place for all the plants I had there. I called H to see if I could take them to his office since my house is overrun with plants already. Besides, he already has a few of my plants at work. H was nice on the phone and told me "sure". So I dropped them off after work and H even helped me hang the hanging ones up and took great care to make sure none of the vines were hurt.
Then, we had to go pick up a car he was having worked on, and asked if I wouldn't take him.....we had a nice, normal conversation there, complete with a twinkle in H's eyes as he was telling me a story.
But, I am noticing a pattern more and more. Whenever I seem to let H know that something in particular is bothering me, then it seems that he honestly does try to change things so I feel better. But he just can't quite get over the hump of committing.
The other night H was upset over the checkbook (we have one checking account which we both write checks on, but I keep the check register). My paycheck goes directly into the account, and H just gives me money when I ask for it. Well, I had balanced the checkbook the other night and needed money. H got really mad because I needed money to pay bills. I told him he could look over the register any time, and he just kind of let things go. So, last night I asked H to look over the register, and he did...with a fine tooth comb. He even questioned me on a couple of items, which were legitimate bills. Anyhow, when he was done questioning me, I calmly let him know that, to me, his questioning the money situation was a form of not trusting me since I have been in charge of the checkbook and bills for over 25 years now. I also told him that since he felt the need to look over the family checkbook with a fine tooth comb, that I felt I was entitled to look over his business checking accout. H was kind of taken back by that. I reassurred H that I didn't want to look at his business account, but I felt I had a right to do so. (I don't that H realizes that both our names are on the business account and I can ask the bank for the records anytime, but have no desire to do so).
I do think H realized that the whole issue over the checking account was blown out of proportion and maybe understands why I felt a lack of trust on his part towards me when he questioned where the money had gone. It could also be guilt on his part since I know that he has several hundred dollars hidden away that he hasn't told me about.
I didn't mean to make your heart drop but if it did you should pay attention to it. Sometimes suspisions are just that but other times they are warrented. H sounds like a very conflicted man..that may be due to his own guilt and confussion of his past indiscretions or it could be guilt over continued discretion even if only in his thoughts. Either way there is still something keeping him from you and it doesn't sound much like it's you.
Your H is kinder to you, so it is difficult to make decision to say you have enough. The same as my W.
If your H does things after you let him know what you want, I would suggest that you praise him for doing that. It will reinforce a positive attitute in him to do it again more often.
My W and I have a separate account now since she planned to move out last Aug (2003). I still pay 3/4 of our household bills. She only pay when she goes to supermarket or to fill up her car. We don't argue about our finances anymore.
It is good that both of you still have join account. I know my W still looking at my account through internet. She kept her account secret from me. Maybe she is concerned that I found out her spending for the om.
I just found a new tenant for the rental property. Wasting one month rent as my W canceled her plan to move in. She said she did not know what she wanted. A costly mistake. But I prefer to keep quiet. It is just money and not worth arguing.
I think my W is still emotionally attached to the om. That's why she is still in limbo land. I am not sure about your H. According to Dr Glass, the involved partner is in limbo land because he/she is afraid of making a wrong decision. It is frightening to think that what you decide now can set the course for the rest of your life. He/she can't bear the thought of living without one person (spouse) or another (affairs partner). To lose either of them is excruciating, like having to choose which of your children you love most.
May God helps our spouse to make a right decision.
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