Another difficulty is dealing with all the memories of annual things we used to do together as they come up on the calendar now. We used to attend friends' parties, etc. together and now H does not want me to go with him anywhere. It is just painful. It is like they are all his friends now and so I am shut out. I should have done a better job nurturing my own friendships while things were "going well" but I focused so much on the kids and neglected friendships just like I neglected growing our marriage. It is all so sad and I am so full of regrets that I cannot express anywhere but in this forum. If I could just go back, I would do a lot differently but all I can do is focus on now...making new friends now.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/03/2004:55 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
You are blaming too much on yourself. I understand regrets.......believe me. The downfall of your MR was not all on you. As previously discussed, your H entered the M unlearned and unprepared to be the husband/man he needed to be. He is a mama's boy. He will continue breaking your heart until you decide you've had enough of his bs. Stop thinking and acting like a victim, and start being a woman who has a life apart from this sorry husband. Yes, you love him, and I'm not saying you have to stop loving him. I'm saying you need to get some spunk, girl. Stop crying over a man who treats you like an old newspaper. You need to think more highly of yourself. Why do I say that? B/c if your self esteem was higher, you would have kicked him out, instead of putting up with his cr@p.
Let me tell you something about a wayward spouse. When they know they have lost you.......it changes the entire dynamics in the relationship. He KNOWS he still has you whenever, if ever, he wants you. He KNOWS you want to save the M. He KNOWS he doesn't have to do 2 cents of anything to stay on, and you'll continue to put up with it. Isn't that what you've done throughout the MR? Maybe he wasn't cheating, but you know what I'm talking about. So, what are you going to do???
I suggest you start showing how you can have a fun time, too. Hire a babysitter and get yourself out of that house. I know you are a devoted mother, and I praise you for it. I'm not saying you have to stay out all night every night. Most of all, have an attitude that makes a statement. Be mysterious!! Don't tell him what you've got going on, where you are going, who you'll see, etc. Get a new hair color, different style, new fashion clothes........but change something! Why is he not worried about what you are doing, where you are, who you are with? You know why.....don't you? He isn't the one staying awake and crying b/c you aren't home, is he? So, you've got to get your game on.
Speaking of game, some folks may want to flare up when I say this......but I'm going to say it anyway. This is like a game. It's a very serious game, and it's not fun...... but it's still like a game. If the LBS could learn how the wayward spouse operates/thinks........they would understand what I mean when I say it is like a game. The LBS must change the dynamics, in order for the wayward spouse to come to their senses, in most cases. You may be a beautiful woman, inside and outside, but your H is taking you for granted....BIG TIME. I think he always has. Why? B/c that's the mindset of a wayward, and youspoiled him.......just like his mama spoiled him. From what I have learned about waywards.........most have been spoiled rotten. Now, I'm not saying wayward spouses did not have certain needs that were not being met. I want you to understand that, okay? But I've been reading about waywardness for a long time, and one of the common denominators I see is that they have been spoiled by parents or by the LBS.....or both. Some are more/less than others.....but there's some in there, if you know what I mean.
Okay, so get a plan of action. Know what your personal boundaries are. Get some personal 180's going on in your life. Get a life, and have fun! Take your kids and go on a fun weekend trip.....without him. Listen, a new look and a new attitude can make a big difference. This is the advice I've heard from wayward husbands. So, take it for whatever you think it's worth. I'll add this..........if my H had dumped me, and told me he would find someone else who appreciated him....it would have jerked me back into the real world a lot faster. I never even considered that he would leave me! See the arrogance? I'm not telling you to go find another man. I'm just saying you need to change the dynamics, in order for him to realize he doesn't want to lose you. Waywards take their LBS for granted. What will you do to change it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, Sandi. That is exactly the kind of tough love talk I need. Planning to start the work on getting my spunk back today. He definitely needs to start worrying about what I am doing and who I am with...he absolutely takes me for granted and that must change.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I am happy to report that I began full force GAL preparation this evening. I asked a friend to come over and watch the kids. Then I went out and had some much needed and deserved me time. I invested in a few new things to wear that will make me feel confident and attractive. I bought a new journal to record my thoughts. I tried on new perfumes and may purchase one of them soon. Tomorrow the GAL Project will continue. I am determined to get my spunk back. I lost it and who I was during the course of the marriage.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/04/2003:41 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Day 2 of my full-on GAL Project: I joined a meetup group of others in my profession in the area. We won't meet until the end of the month but this is exciting and something to look forward to. I have been saying that I need to network more and this will be my opportunity.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Well, I was doing great with the GAL project then H initiated an intimate encounter last night and now I am fighting emotions again. The GAL project must continue. The thing that I struggle with is whether I should be intimate at all with him when he goes right back to his emotional distancing in the basement right after the deed is done. For those who are still intimate with a Wayward spouse, how did you deal with that?
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Ok, giving myself a tough love talk! I did not put in all that GAL effort this weekend only to regress.
Finally ordered and received my new copy of DR (I could not locate the old copy I bought a few years back when dealing with H's infidelity). I plan to start reading that tonight. I clearly need a refresher!
Putting my big girl panties on and continuing to MOVE FORWARD! As much as I want H to be in my life (in spite of all his faults), the reality is that I do not need him to be in my life. I need to start acting like I know that.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
My D9 is watching a TV show where a kid is sad that his parents are getting a divorce. She is now commenting on how sad it is that this kid is experiencing this and asks me, "Mom, this boy's parents are getting a divorce. Isn't that so sad?" All I could say was "yes, it is sad, dear." Sigh. I haven't a drink in a while but tonight might be a good night for a pre-bedtime glass of wine.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I can already hear it in your posts.