Maybe I know what to do 3

[ozman]

Old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2857811#Post2857811

I didn’t get a haircut cause I was gonna take S8 to get one to. I ended up hanging out with neighbors till she got home with S. She brought home fast food for everybody

She discussed in detail her day and why she was late. It all checks out. So maybe no A. A lot of her msgs are to friends who haven’t seen her in 10 years so maybe no A. But your guys stats don’t lie either.

She is going to wedding tonight so I need to figure out something.

A legitimate question. How come mornings are so much harder. I go to bed thinking. I got this. Imma drop the rope and let her go and GAL and work on me and spend time with S8

I wake up in the morning and remember the state of things and I’m like oh yea life [censored] and all my confidence is gone and all that’s left is the hurt

[Rose888]

Oz, I wanted to reply yesterday, but I wasn't in a position to type a response.

One of the msot helpful things I learned in therapy is that human brains love stories and they hate to be bored. So my brain (and it sounds like yours too) will make up stories and then we get all worked up over something that hasn't happened yet and might not ever happen. Our brains don't care if the stories make us unhappy, they are just glad to be entertained.

I learned to get a lot better at stopping my brain when it went off on one of these stories of things that hadn't happened yet but might happen. It helped me a lot.

This is one of the reasons GAL--especially if you are doing new things--is so helpful. It gives your brain some entertainment that doesn't involve raking you over emotional coals.

Don't worry about board statistics. In your situation, you don't know your wife is having an affair yet. If she is, you will eventually know for sure, but until that happens, don't go borrowing trouble you don't have yet.

Focus on GAL, becoming emotionally healthy, being a great parent.

[ozman]

Thanks rose. I have a hard time shutting my brain off.

In DR MWD talks about your wife putting your M in a holding pattern. How do I know if that is what my W has done?

[IHCLACS]

Oz, I wanted to reply yesterday, but I wasn't in a position to type a response.

One of the msot helpful things I learned in therapy is that human brains love stories and they hate to be bored. So my brain (and it sounds like yours too) will make up stories and then we get all worked up over something that hasn't happened yet and might not ever happen. Our brains don't care if the stories make us unhappy, they are just glad to be entertained.

I learned to get a lot better at stopping my brain when it went off on one of these stories of things that hadn't happened yet but might happen.

Rise my therapist said this to me years ago as well. Great advise.

[ozman]

I found the words. RAW. I feel emotionally raw. Last night when she wasn’t home I thought I’ll just leave her to whatever she is doing. I felt confident

Today I feel drained. Sad. Like I got beat up last night. The confidence is gone. I’m back to wanting to shake her and scream WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!

Rose thanks for the advice. Really

I’m having a hard time believing these feelings don’t last forever.

I’m also having a hard time stopping thinking about her and OM together and her sharing herself with him the way she was with me just a few months ago when everything was fine.

I don’t have to scroll very far back in our msgs to find the love emojis she was sending.

I’m really struggling guys. I don’t know how to break this damn cycle

[BenB]

I found the words. RAW. I feel emotionally raw. Last night when she wasn’t home I thought I’ll just leave her to whatever she is doing. I felt confident

Today I feel drained. Sad. Like I got beat up last night. The confidence is gone. I’m back to wanting to shake her and scream WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!

Rose thanks for the advice. Really

I’m having a hard time believing these feelings don’t last forever.

I’m also having a hard time stopping thinking about her and OM together and her sharing herself with him the way she was with me just a few months ago when everything was fine.

I don’t have to scroll very far back in our msgs to find the love emojis she was sending.

I’m really struggling guys. I don’t know how to break this damn cycle

Hey Oz,

I rarely post on other people's threads since I don't feel I've gotten to the point where I can give advice yet. But I do want to say that it most certainly gets better. Suddenly something just snaps and you get fed up with feeling this way and letting someone else have this kind of power over you. The thought of my w with someone else was so painful I would panic and cry the few moments I was alone which wasn't often enough. But I guarantee you it will get better as unlikely as it seems now.

But please remember that being the best man you can be for yourself, not for anyone else, helps in so many ways. These days I actually feel bad for my w because of what she will be missing out on. By being the best you, you will also set the bar high for anyone else which is in my opinion and added bonus. People are giving you great advice here and don't forget they've all been where you are. The feelings of hopelessness, the sadness over not having what once was. But hang in there buddy, everyone are here for you. And whatever you do, don't make decisions based on emotions. Whatever you are thinking, always give it a few days or weeks before you decide. That's the best advice I got and I'm so thankful for it. That I listened to it.

[ozman]

Thanks Ben. I think I’m just out of things to say. I’m tired and I’m hurt and sad. Your post means a lot. Everybody’s encouragement means a lot. Without it. oh man. I would be truly lost

I’m pushing hard right now to think of something I would enjoy. I just want to beg her to stop.

I just found an old v day card from her. She wrote inside “I love you more than you can imagine babe. I don’t care what it takes I’m gonna make us last 100 years”

Reading that crushed me. I want to show it to her so bad. To ask her to remember how she felt when she wrote that

[BenB]

Thanks Ben. I think I’m just out of things to say. I’m tired and I’m hurt and sad. Your post means a lot. Everybody’s encouragement means a lot. Without it. oh man. I would be truly lost

I’m pushing hard right now to think of something I would enjoy. I just want to beg her to stop.

I just found an old v day card from her. She wrote inside “I love you more than you can imagine babe. I don’t care what it takes I’m gonna make us last 100 years”

Reading that crushed me. I want to show it to her so bad. To ask her to remember how she felt when she wrote that

I completely understand how you feel. As I write this I'm looking at my fridge where all the valentine's day cards from her still are up. In the beginning I would think about those all the time but after a while you stop thinking about them. That was a different person as much as it is terrible that she's not the same anymore. I'm focusing now on whatever I can do not to make things worse at least. Your instincts tell you to do what you shouldn't do unfortunately. Don't listen!

[ozman]

I have an honest question and I mean no disrespect to anybody

How do I know this is the right thing to do. How do I know that this is the best method. How do I know that sitting down with her and asking why she is unhappy and making her think about it to tell me and then helping her find a solution is not the best bet

How do I know these things

[SteveLW]

Thanks Ben. I think I’m just out of things to say. I’m tired and I’m hurt and sad. Your post means a lot. Everybody’s encouragement means a lot. Without it. oh man. I would be truly lost

I’m pushing hard right now to think of something I would enjoy. I just want to beg her to stop.

I just found an old v day card from her. She wrote inside “I love you more than you can imagine babe. I don’t care what it takes I’m gonna make us last 100 years”

Reading that crushed me. I want to show it to her so bad. To ask her to remember how she felt when she wrote that

As hard as it is to face..... That girl is gone. We all had cards like that. If you want hope, I'll give you a little. My wife now gives me cards that thank me for sticking with her through everything. And how much she loves me, and how glad she is to have me and wants that forever. If you told me that would happen 17-18 months ago I wouldn't believe. She was so cold and uncaring.

One day at a time.....