It’s a fair point you make. My question is practicalities. She knew straight away I was being short with her. How do I explain a sudden change from cordial to aloof? I can’t say “because you’re messaging other guys”- I have no proof, just a gut feeling and she will say I’m being paranoid.
Why are you being "short" with her? Is that what you think detachment is? That's not it. Are you familiar with Sandi's rules?
Yes- rule 15. Don’t start conversations. Don’t be overly talkative.
Ok so then why are you playing happy family with her? Why do you have to explain your moods to her? You should be as scarce as scarce can be.
We still live together so I don’t want it to be a war zone for the boys. Similarly, if we both play the “go out as much as you can” game it’s the boys that suffer. I did think (mistakenly) that being close would lead to a reconciliation. But similarly, if I do want a reconciliation appearing moody or “off” with her with an explanation of “because you want to D” or similar doesn’t feel like a good tactic either. Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve changed a massive amount and her not at all- if she isn’t willing to change (and I’m not convinced she wants to or thinks she needs to), the marriage won’t last either.
Ok so first off your marriage won’t last because your W has filed. Second off once you’re divorced you will be single parenting so your boys will have to get use to it. It doesn’t have to be a war zone unless you want it to be. I’m glad you realized you can’t nice her back. It’s all about respect.
Ok so first off your marriage won’t last because your W has filed
I thought that was the whole point of DBing? She said she wanted to try again about a month ago- why is it impossible? I appreciate its highly likely to end in D now but surely the whole point of Michelle’s books is there is still a chance?
Ok so first off your marriage won’t last because your W has filed
I thought that was the whole point of DBing? She said she wanted to try again about a month ago- why is it impossible? I appreciate its highly likely to end in D now but surely the whole point of Michelle’s books is there is still a chance?
The whole point of DBing is to focus on yourself. To make yourself a better person. You being a better person will impact your children positively.
DBing is essentially working on yourself. Being the best version of yourself, realizing that you will most likely end up single.
DBing properly will get you to a point where you are emotionally detached from your WAS. The improvements in yourself and the distance created may give your spouse a different perspective where they may decide to pursue you and show you that the M is important.
You need to accept that your M is over. Get to a point where you are happy with yourself and only focusing on you and the kids.
There is nothing you can do to save your marriage besides letting go.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
It’s a fair point you make. My question is practicalities. She knew straight away I was being short with her. How do I explain a sudden change from cordial to aloof? I can’t say “because you’re messaging other guys”- I have no proof, just a gut feeling and she will say I’m being paranoid.
Why are you being "short" with her? Is that what you think detachment is? That's not it. Are you familiar with Sandi's rules?
Yes- rule 15. Don’t start conversations. Don’t be overly talkative.
OK well there is a difference between giving her time and space, which you SHOULD be doing, and being cold/ indifferent/ short which you should NOT be doing. The key is you shouldn't be initiating convos, but if she starts one it's OK to reply. And when you do reply, you should be warm and friendly. A lot of people here call it being like a "friendly neighbor". IE, you wouldn't have a serious conversation talk with a neighbor, you would just talk about the weather and such.
Thanks sotorn and anotherstander. That makes sense. I’m REALLY struggling with the detachment. I understand the theory. When she’s not around, I can give myself all sorts of mental pep talks. But when I’m around her I just can’t see it through. Where the hell do you get that mental toughness from? I just feel so lonely, I really regret not jumping at the chance to try again when she offered it. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head- we get on now better than we have done in such a long time, it doesn’t make sense!
