A quick question please Steve. This really hit home for me and as difficult as it will be, I want to try harder to work on me...sooo, do I tell him we can’t be together working on this? Or do I leave all R talks alone and simply get on with it. I’m asking because technically our label is “together and working on it”. Thank you so much again.
Originally Posted by Cadet
Originally Posted by Toto11
Or do I leave all R talks alone and simply get on with it.
This ^^^^^^
Speak with Actions not Words.
Listen to Cadet. Avoid all R talks like the plague. If he asks what is going on you say: "I am sorry, but I realize that I have a lot of changes I need to make." Leave it a that. If he starts asking questions: "Sorry, but there is a lot I am dealing with, and a lot to consider. I need time to consider everything before I can provide you with concrete answers."
Keep conversations with him about logistics around the kids. "Together and working on it" is a lie. He is out doing whatever he wants. He isn't being a H. Being together means he is WITH you and no one else.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
And if he invites me to do something with them? Accept some invitations but not all, and have no expectations? This is a very tricky sea to navigate. I feel like I have a million questions in how to handle so much. Il try not to over think it and just maybe have a handful of statements prepared so I don’t get caught up in any R talk. We have our annual holiday soon for a week, that’s going to be tough.
H just picked up the kids and alluded to a sport event on tv that we would normally watch together and I just replied “aw I didn’t know it was on, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it”...was that ok? Normally I’d have either asked or heavily hinted to watch it with him. I didn’t get up to say goodbye and said enjoy your weekend with the kids. He did ask my plans...I probably gave to much detail but given our history, surely transparency is best? You know I honestly thought I was doing quite well in detaching...I very clearly have a lot to learn. This is exactly the additional support I needed. I’m so so grateful.
It’s hard to imagine he would want his cake and eat it. But I believe you in saying that’s what this is. When he left last year he wanted this whole new life and to do loads of things he felt he couldn’t do while he was in an R with me...outdoorsy stuff really. He hasnt done any of it, his unhappiness followed him when he left and now he buries himself in work when not with the kids.
I will avoid R convos like the plague...if that’s not a 180 for me, I don’t know what is!!
So it’s been some serious DBing on my part...the result...borderline total silence from H. Seems pissed off at my distance, is that normal?? Maybe just an indication of how much effort I was having to put in just to keep anything going
So it’s been some serious DBing on my part...the result...borderline total silence from H. Seems pissed off at my distance, is that normal?? Maybe just an indication of how much effort I was having to put in just to keep anything going
Yes quite normal. In the time after BD there is literally nothing you can do right. He'll find a way to hate you if you change, and find a way to hate you if you stay the same. This is why we say change for YOU, because it will initially have no positive impact on him. Eventually when he sees you really have changed and sees you GALing and being happy then he'll start to wonder what he's missing. But it is going to take a long time to get there.
It’s so strange. It’s like his mood has dropped and yet mine is nothing but upbeat around him. We only see him in the evenings to say night to the kids, but he looked almost close to tears last night. I didn’t ask a thing, didn’t change my mood and simply thought “he will tell me if he wants to” and I can practice more listen/validate stuff. I did of course care what was wrong, it just doesn’t feel my place to ask anymore. Steve said “together and working on it” (our label) is a lie, and nothing hit me harder than the realisation that it was exactly what I needed to hear. I feel almost stupid for spending years trying to earn respect (badly of course) and value and love by bending over backwards to be as perfect as possible...(which he will say he never asked me to do, I put that pressure on myself). I wish I had done this sooner...I’ve made some awful mistakes in life. Thank you for letting me know this is normal though, I thought I maybe was doing something terribly wrong. Oddly enough, as counter intuitive as it is for me...this process, when I’m being strong, has me much less stressed when I’m not worrying about what H thinks or is doing. I’m so busy this week GAL that it’s dropping out my mind for even a few hours at a time now, it was minute by minute before. I’m sure il go back and forth with that. I’ve just never realised how truly one sided this R save attempt is/was.
Its more silence, no txting, sad mood and almost looked close to tears which is beyond unusual. I know he’s having a hard time sleeping and work is super busy...but there’s plenty of dedicated H’s out there that “let their W in” to that part of their world and work through it to find balance. If I’m honest, I’ve made excuse after excuse for what it might be for years that’s causing his distance from me. I’m starting to not care! I’ve chosen to learn from my mistakes, grow, learn more, chat here, seek support and genuinely want to be a better person and/or partner in the future. Sure il never be perfect, but I know I’m worth more than breadcrumbs.
Toto - Isn't this the worst? Fear of abandonment played out in reality?
Or is it the best? Because the only way through it is to dig deep and become a stronger, more resilient person? It is a gift - had our S's stuck with us through thick and thin, we'd keep playing out the FOA over and over and over again, never learning how to be truly happy on our own.
I'm going through the same struggles, different sitch but same struggles. Intently watching my W's moods, looking for signs of progress. You're going to cycle up and down, sometimes minute by minute.
To me the cycling is a grieving process, and I never know where I'll be minute by minute. Sometimes I feel:
- Angry: How could she do this? Why can she not see her role in things? Why can we not work it out? It would be so easy! - Depressed: How could she abandon me, the one person who I devoted my life to? This [censored]. How am I going to be a FT working single parent to 3 kids? I can't handle this!! - Acceptance: I feel strong. I feel ready to tackle this next phase of my life and embark on a new adventure!
I spend almost no time in Denial - there is no denying the sitch.
I spend almost no time Bargaining - there is no magic wand to wave here.
Day by day I feel like more time is spent in Acceptance.
