It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been surprising myself by doing a really good job at starting to detach more, and spending a lot less time around my H when he’s here with our daughter. Yesterday I went to see a house that I thought my daughter and I might move into, and I kind of spiraled afterwards, feeling really sad and depressed at the prospect of moving without H. So that was hard and sort of knocked me down a bit. Things with my H have been pretty good. We had a kind of a negative morning recently and I was starting to nosedive into emotional stuff but recovered quickly and gracefully an he actually apologized to me for his part of what had happened which was somewhat miraculous. He hasn’t brought up divorce talk in 2 weeks, and he’s def been trying to connect with me in small ways, discussing work, trying to show me some videos he thinks are funny, bringing me a bottle of wine...I don’t get it. I’m really happy that we haven’t talked about divorce in a bit, but I also feel like I’m back to limbo. I wish he would just step toward me, just a tiny bit!!!
Hi Alison, thanks for checking in! I’m doing ok. My 3 year old daughter has kept me quite busy and I haven’t seen my H since Saturday night when he was here with our daughter. I’ve been thinking a lot about trying to be encouraging to his bids for connection without being pursuant and while still still detaching. It’s complex! He’s coming this evening to be with our daughter and I’ve been making a point to leave every time he comes. He’ll often text in the afternoon to talk about dinner plans. For a long time I’d just have dinner with them, sometimes if cook or sometimes he’d bring take out, and lately I’ve been declining all of that and leaving regardless. I sometimes worry that I’m being discouraging to him this way. But if I don’t, then I’m missing my rare opportunities to GAL, as these are the only evenings I’m not at home with my daughter. Maybe I should stay occasionally, if he makes an actual offer to cook or something...I also worry about cake eating when I stay while he’s here. Lately he likes to discuss his work troubles and random things with me, and that feels like something one does with their spouse. I don’t really want to give that to him given the sitch. I guess I just don’t know where the lines are between GAL/detaching while still encouraging and fostering warmth and intimacy.
Yeah, I have exactly the same questions. It's been going on a lot less time for me than it has for you, and there's a kind of built in dead-line for me, as H has consistently said that once he's finished his busy period at work, he will commit to fully working on our M. He may not do that, of course, but then he'll have run out of excuses and after that I plan to go dark entirely. At the moment I am just trying to do what you're doing, and mainly messing it up.
Alison— I imagine having a deadline like that could make it both a lot harder and a lot easier...it’s interesting that your H has consistently said that though. I messed up a LOT for the first several months as well (I wish I’d discovered an had the strength for this whole DB thing a lot sooner). Maybe that’s why almost a year later I’m still here...
Journaling... I’m currently feeling a a blend of very torn and very frustrated at being at a plateau again. Though I know the latter is impatience and that means I’m not detached. Sigh. I’m feeling torn because I’ve been getting the advice from my very smart best friend that I should pretty much be going dark at this point—always leaving when my H comes over and avoiding engaging with him about anything but our daughter. In some ways I think she’s right; after all it appears to have stopped (at least for now) the imminent divorce talk that was happening a few weeks ago, and that is obviously something. But I worry that if I go totally dark that I will be discouraging to him and and not giving him anything to miss. It feels like a dilemma— if I’m around for him to chat with he can’t miss me, but if I’m never around him how will he know what to miss? Does that sound all wrong?
My H comes this evening to see our daughter and I’m still feeling really torn about this. A big part of me feels like the extreme distancing I’ve been doing (leaving every time he comes here, as opposed to having dinner with them etc as I was before) has been having a positive effect. There’s also another part of me that worries about taking it too far and losing the connection we are building a tiny bit at a time. I worry that if I’m NEVER around he will disconnect entirely and not have anything reference points to missing me, if that makes sense. Should I be mixing in occasional dinners together when it arises naturally? Or should I continue to make myself scarce? Any advice would be great as I prepare for tonight. Happy to give more info or details if it would be helpful!
UGGHHHH. I’m feeling frustrated and impatient. I realized I’ve been reading way too much into the fact that my H was talking very seriously about divorce a few weeks ago and then, since I 180ed and started leaving every time he comes around to visit our daughter, that has stopped. I guess I started thinking that it really meant something, that he must really be turning toward our marriage in some way, but unsurprisingly nothing is actually happening really. I made the yearbook for our daughters preschool class and copied him on the automated email to all the parents about it. As he left just now he mentioned that he should give me money for one and it triggered me and now I’m feeling pissed off and frustrated. I just feel so stuck. Of course I’m happy that the divorce talk and momentum came to a pause/stop, but I do not like being back in limbo. We are at a year separated now. I can’t [censored] believe I’m still in limbo.
Hope, Don't be so hard on yourself or the sitch. It's true maybe it means nothing maybe it means something - but you're mind reading. I do it too. BUT! if you're going to mind read you have to at least try and be equally fair on both sides. 2 weeks ago he was serious about D, then nothing> I'm sure some DB'ing was working (but its not over). The year book... that very well could just be an automated response to make sure he's not showing to many of his cards right now. Or it could mean that hes' still focused on divorce. The point is, the year book response really means NOTHING - you just read into it that; it doesn't support the other mind reading about his attention on D. Cut yourself (and him) some slack. if you're going to mind read at least try to balance it and limit the amount of weight you put on it. Otherwise you will make decisions that could hurt the sitch. Remember how you feel when you're mind reading in the positive? you make better decisions in that mindset. Everyone here will just tell you to stop PERIOD - but I know how hard that is. So just take steps to limit how MUCH you read into it and keep moving forward.
H(me:) 44 W: 45 T: 16yrs M: 13 S: 9 S: 6 Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18 PA 11/18 PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied) PA confirmed 12/28/18 PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19 S: 4/7/2019
Alison— I imagine having a deadline like that could make it both a lot harder and a lot easier...it’s interesting that your H has consistently said that though. I messed up a LOT for the first several months as well (I wish I’d discovered an had the strength for this whole DB thing a lot sooner). Maybe that’s why almost a year later I’m still here...
It does make it harder and easier. Easier, in that I know this work thing is once in a blue moon totally out of the ordinary and he isn't using it as an excuse - he's stressed out of his mind, actually fairly depressed and I totally believe he just doesn't have any emotional resources right now. He's being honest about that and not blaming me and I can respect it. However, it does mean that I've had this perhaps false comfort that everything will start moving quickly once the deadline passes - which is this month - and if it doesn't, I am going to come back to earth with a bump. I might ruin things myself by putting a lot of pressure on things as soon as he finishes the project and not give him proper time to unwind and recover. He's been concentrating on his work, I've been working on myself - we're in really different places and while I think I'm different, I'm afraid it will be just more of the same from him until he actually makes the time to do the work, and I am impatient. And you know - this could just be an excuse. I think after the end of this month I need to go dark and see what happens.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
Journaling... I’m currently feeling a a blend of very torn and very frustrated at being at a plateau again. Though I know the latter is impatience and that means I’m not detached. Sigh. I’m feeling torn because I’ve been getting the advice from my very smart best friend that I should pretty much be going dark at this point—always leaving when my H comes over and avoiding engaging with him about anything but our daughter. In some ways I think she’s right; after all it appears to have stopped (at least for now) the imminent divorce talk that was happening a few weeks ago, and that is obviously something. But I worry that if I go totally dark that I will be discouraging to him and and not giving him anything to miss. It feels like a dilemma— if I’m around for him to chat with he can’t miss me, but if I’m never around him how will he know what to miss? Does that sound all wrong?
This is precisely what I am struggling with. H has said he wants to keep connected as much as we can, given how little resources he has right now. What that means is that basically I am not DBing very well. He texts me more or less every day. We sometimes have R talks. I've let him see me upset. We haven't exactly had dates for a while - we tried this a few months ago and it was a disaster - but he has been in the house a lot with the kids and I tend to hang around unless I have something else specific I want to do. I've cooked for him and given him food to take home with him and tried to support him in other ways that are more 'wife' than they should be. I am afraid he's having his cake and eating it - but I am hoping to be able to support him and show him kindness until he's ready to come home. Like I say, this is all going to have to change, and change fast, if he doesn't start returning some of the effort and working on the R once his work is done. I have that clear deadline.
Thank you P Jam. You’re right my mind reading skills leave much to be desired . It’s good for me to be reminded that I do not in fact have any idea what is going on in his head, and therefore should stop trying to figure it out. My frustration and sadness got the best of me. Plus the fact that I’m up on a year now. To your question Allison, that was always the deadline I gave myself. I was going to give it up to a year at the very longest and then file if we weren’t getting anywhere. Thing is, i didn’t eve think of the possibility that we might get somewhere, it just soundly be very far from where we were. The fact that I’m now up against my self imposed deadline, I feel very anxious and mixed up inside. I don’t know what’s right. Do I give up on a marriage I still want despite the fact that there has been (very minor) progress? Or do I stay married to someone who very well may not have any desire to be married to me but is just too lazy/avoidant to do anything about it a year later? It feels like an impossible situation. I guess I’m having a hard time letting myself off the hook of the deadline I created.
. It’s good for me to be reminded that I do not in fact have any idea what is going on in his head, and therefore should stop trying to figure it out. My frustration and sadness got the best of me.