Hello. I can't say I'm too happy to be here, but I am. Here is my story...
We have been married about 20 years, have 4 children. Around the holidays I noticed my husband acting angry towards me whenever I said anything he didn't like. At that time he was talking more and more to another married woman that he met on an online game. Little clues and my gut were telling me that they were not just friends. D-Day was in January 2019 when I happened to find out that he had told the OW that he loved her. I asked my husband if it was true, but he said no. I knew that was a lie! Later that evening I asked more questions and he confessed to saying that he loved her and he was sorry. I think I forgave him too soon. I asked more questions and he answered honestly. A few days later I asked some more questions and got more honest answers.
Fast forward to this week. I know the EA is still ongoing. I told H that I am aware of then ongoing affair. He said nothing, other than they talk about everyday things and life. He did say that they still say I love you to each other. So basically, nothing has changed, except he is more secretive with what he does.
I have been spewed the common ILYBNILWY crap and other stuff that justifies his affair.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you so much! I have had a chance to read through some of these. I know that I cannot fix H. He has to struggle on his own and discover that this affair with the OW will end up hurting him more than it will hurt her. I believe she is toying with his emotions and is keeping him around because he makes her feel good and vice versa.
I am doing some things to detach.... giving him his own space, not asking him where he is going or how long. He still shows he cares for me, but I know his heart and mind are on her.
I did break down and cry this weekend when I asked about the ongoing affair. I know his feelings for her will fade...just wish I knew how long it's going to take.
The hardest part for me is not saying ILY. Is this something I should stop saying to him? Thanks .
I hope you're okay. My H had an EA too and he moved out of our home in January. The EA had ended by that point - but I don't think we repaired the damage at all and I don't think we ever addressed the reasons why he had the EA either. His actions were on him, but there were reasons he was in that place that I contributed to, and they were reasons we weren't able to repair things while he was living with me that I contributed to as well.
I have been been a terrible dark place but am feeling happier in myself these past few weeks and things are looking more hopeful in my situation too. Take a read of my threads if you think it would help.
For me, the biggest thing that has made a difference has been working to take care of my own emotional needs, working on my 180s, GAL and seeking the support of friends, and (important) setting clear boundaries about behaviour I will not tolerate from H. It's been a work in progress.
HB, welcome and sorry you are here. Please read all of cadets links, there is invaluable information in there for the LBS. You will get lots of support on your sitch from many folks that have been there before.
Hang in there, focus on you, and GAL. Detachment is key. Try to get to a place where his words and deeds have no impact on you emotionally. It is hard but if you do that well the results will be unmatched.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Can you tell me if you're ready to set a firm boundary in regards to his extramarital, hopefully only emotional affair? If you are, him engaging in it further really leaves you with two reactions: divorce or separation. If you aren't there, and I'm assuming you aren't, then the best course would be to look out for yourself first in every way possible, detach from him emotionally, and go GAL. Simple but hard. Your H is loving attention from multiple women. Why? B/c he just felt like a player, so cool, so attractive. On some level, she is meeting one of his emotional needs. If and when you start to pull away and stop pursuing him, he will try to get you back in line. So be prepared. Read other people's sitches. It's all a fairly predictable cycle.
I'm very sorry to see you're here, but keep posting and we'll tell you what we think. We've been through this. And remember, nothing needs an immediate answer. Nothing. You can always post a question here before responding to him.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Everything is counter-intuitive. Everything is fair in love and war.
The firm boundaries ovrrnbw mentioned above work. The firmer and sooner the better. We can help draft up your "script". Let us know.
think about these statements:
"I do not want to be with a man who wants to be with other woman" "I will not share my man with other woman" "I want to be with a man who wants to be only with me"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Everything is counter-intuitive. Everything is fair in love and war.
The firm boundaries ovrrnbw mentioned above work. The firmer and sooner the better. We can help draft up your "script". Let us know.
think about these statements:
"I do not want to be with a man who wants to be with other woman" "I will not share my man with other woman" "I want to be with a man who wants to be only with me"
Thank you everyone for the support already!
I need to set up boundaries but have no idea what. I don't plan on divorcing H, I prefer to work things out and hopefully end up with a marriage that was better than before. I feel like my H is a good person who made a bad choice. I took my vows seriously and want to try to save the marriage, if it can be saved.
I do believe that H is depressed, and has been for the past 7 years or so. I've mentioned that he should see a doctor but he does not want to. With that being said, I do have to be careful with what I say to him.
I would like to hear some ideas on boundaries and a script.
OK, so you're not ready to divorce or separate, that's fine. Take your space. You may need time to respond to things he says, don't allow yourself to be bullied into speaking before you are ready. If he pressures, you leave the room or house. You need to be able to feel free to GAL without him snooping and worrying, after all he loves OW, no?
Another boundary is to not listen to him lying anymore. Just stop him and tell him that it's incredibly insulting/disgusting/etc and walk the F away.
Don't go running up to him out of the blue and profess your boundaries either, just make them clear as the issue(s) arise.
What boundaries do you think are good for now?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
