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Wolfman,

maybe stop eavesdropping. It's probably not helping you, you even said it's tearing you up emotionally. So go do something that builds you up emotionally (GAL).

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, put your focus on what you can control. You have been DB'ing for a very short time period, it's not an overnight fix.

Nobody knows what the hell she really means, probably not even her. She's in pain too so give her time and space.


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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Well last night I overheard a conversation with my D and W. My daughter was very upset and talking to my W about us getting a divorce and much it bothers her. My W was so cold to her and told her she has to deal with it and that there was nothing she could do. Which is ridiculous because she is the one who wants it. It’s so sad to See how devastated my daughter is about this and my W doesn’t care about how she feels.


I imagine your W cares very much. WAW's are masters of "acting as if". They may look cold and detached on the outside but inside there is a lot of turmoil and confusion and hurt. They want everyone around them to just act like everything is fine because that makes it easier on them. But then when people don't then they can get quite angry. But don't be confused by that, inside she is in pain.

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I am DBing but it doesn’t seem to have an effect on her. I know that people say patience but this is tearing me up emotionally.


After a month? Where were you led to believe DB'ing would turn things around that fast? I think Michele's books and all of us here are quite clear that this is a marathon and requires a lot of patience.

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Do the vets still think she is speaking in absolute negatives or that she really means it?


She means it, but we say not to believe it because she only means it at this moment in time. That can change in an hour or a day or week or month or year.

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I am so upset over this because she has told me she has noticed my changes but says I should have done this sooner.


They all say it's "too little too late". That's WAS script.


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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am DBing but it doesn’t seem to have an effect on her. I know that people say patience but this is tearing me up emotionally. Do the vets still think she is speaking in absolute negatives or that she really means it? I am so upset over this because she has told me she has noticed my changes but says I should have done this sooner.

Im a little confused by what you are asking.
What would you propose to do differently from what has been advised?

I assume that yes, right now she wants a divorce.
I dont understand why every time you hear her say that, it sparks this....fear...?... in you that you worry about what shes thinking and if she' means it'.

Yes. She wants a divorce. Maybe that will never change.
All you can do is worry about your side of the street and what you are doing. Id say its good that she is noticing you are becoming a different person. But that doesnt mean it is going to change her mind in the short term.

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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Well last night I overheard a conversation with my D and W. My daughter was very upset and talking to my W about us getting a divorce and much it bothers her. My W was so cold to her and told her she has to deal with it and that there was nothing she could do. Which is ridiculous because she is the one who wants it. It’s so sad to See how devastated my daughter is about this and my W doesn’t care about how she feels. So, I guess I am going to have to learn to accept what’s coming. I am DBing but it doesn’t seem to have an effect on her. I know that people say patience but this is tearing me up emotionally. Do the vets still think she is speaking in absolute negatives or that she really means it? I am so upset over this because she has told me she has noticed my changes but says I should have done this sooner. I don’t have proof but starting to think here is OM.
This is where you man up. You are there for your daughter. get alone time with D without your wife around. You validate her feelings. She needs lots of hugs. Listen to her. Listen to understand. Ask probing open ended questions.



Here are good posts. Not sure if you have read them, but a refresher might help:

Originally Posted by coach
To me detachment means letting go of outcomes. I don't control the outcome so I shouldn't place my worth on the result. Doesn't mean stop caring, not trying, not having a plan, or giving up. I am solely in control of myself. If I do my best, I did all I could at the time then it has to be enough. I can learn from the experience and improve the process for future experiences.

How to practice detachment? Figure out the worst thing that could happen to you? (Spiers Doctrine - "The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function.") So the only thing that matters is are you doing the right thing. It easier to make a plan, take action and be brave when you aren't afraid of the outcome, you can't get hurt if you are already dead.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=44595&Number=1852615#Post1852615


read this:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=46578&Number=1998146#Post1998146
and his:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=47422&Number=2054770#Post2054770


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. One thing I need to let you all know. I was using another program first. I do t want to mention the name of the program or the person. But, his philosophy was different. It was all about making connections and showing how much you care even when things got bad. It stresses no separation or space, be around and make connections. Also, to call them once a day and to touch them casually at least 3 times. It also talked about improving yourself too. I started that program and did it for 3 months. I definitely improved myself but after reading about mid life crisis I realized the pursuit thing was not good and switched over to DB. So I have been improving myself for 4 months DB about a month. That’s why detachment is a little difficult for me because the other program stressed the complete opposite. But I hear what all of you are saying and am going to work on it.

Last edited by Wolfman; 03/06/19 08:43 PM.

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Wolfman, it isn't Fort Mertel (first initials purposely swapped) is it?


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Yes


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
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Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
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Yep, I did a similar path as you, though I knew about DBing from our previous sitch in 2005.

His program is great! i love it. But it is dangerous when your spouse is in walkaway mode because as you say it involves some pursuit and pressure. However, I can honestly say that once you get past that you can incorporate his system to great affect. Touch and talk charges and date night are great tools...once your W is committing back to the MR. And his insight into things is really good related to the obstinate spouse. He can really capture their mindset.

So I am not opposed to his program, and have embraced some of it WHEN the time is right. And also I credit those suggestions to getting my W from the lukewarm early stage to the fully committed back to the MR.

However Wolfman, removing all pursuit and pressure is the right answer in most sitches. WAWs are like cats. They have to want to come to you in order to stay. If you try to make them stay they will scratch and claw to get away with every once of their strength.


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I thought I would share a conversation with my W that made me laugh. We are both teachers and I teach high school and W elementary. So, I leave when they are getting up. So, she is responsible for getting the kids off to school. Well yesterday morning the kids gave her a real hard time, not listening being disrespectful. She calls me to tell me how bad they were behaving, which I don’t know what I’m suppose to do when I am at work. She is ranting and raving how bad they were. For a while I have been making the kids lunch at night and taking my S clothes out for him he is 8. Well I didn’t take out his clothes and then she had to do it. In her ranting and raving she said this is one of the reasons our marriage didn’t work, because I don’t always take out his clothes. I literally almost laughed on the phone. The other thing which she can’t detach is me from the kids. Meaning, she talks about how we all drain her and most days she just wants to run away. Well I hate to tell her even in divorce you will still have the kids and now by yourself. Unless she wants to abandon them too. Which I don’t think she will.

So if someone asks what is one of the reasons to divorce her husband because he doesn’t take out his sons clothes all the time for school. I just thought everyone on here who has been helping me could use a chuckle.


M:42 XW:41
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D:13 S:10
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LOL Wolfman. Yeah, the WAW fog is strong with this one!


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