Midlife crisis wife

[Wolfman]

Can someone tell me how to handle her birthday today? Do I get her a gift? Do I get a cake and have the kids sing happy birthday to her? Or is that me chasing her? Any advice will help.

[SteveLW]

I would make everything kids' centric. Get her a card, from the kids. Get her a cake, from the kids. Get her a gift, from the kids.

[Miler]

Definitely get her something from the kids only. It doesn't have to be a "kid-centric" gift, but leave the emotion out of it. No ILYs ot sappy stuff on the card. Read Sandi's rules before purchase and card writing.

[ovrrnbw]

Wolfman,

is there an OM in the picture? If so, get her nothing IMO.

[Gordie]

She probably has an OM

Or at least someone she has her eye on

Do not move out

You are in the worst of it

This may last awhile

It may get worse

So you are going to have to dig deep for strength and patience

Yes she will twist everything you say

So really no point in R talks

Stick to yourself and your kids

She has her life

You have your life

She is mother to your children

So always be kind

She does not want to be your w

So back off and give her time and space

Maybe she will change her mind and want to be your w again

Maybe not

But if she does it will because she is attracted to you again

The strong wolfman who has his life together

The best wolfman the world has ever seen

[SteveLW]

Definitely get her something from the kids only. It doesn't have to be a "kid-centric" gift, but leave the emotion out of it. No ILYs ot sappy stuff on the card. Read Sandi's rules before purchase and card writing.

By kid-centric I meant if it is not involving the kids (ie, FROM the kids), then don't do. In other words, no cards from Wolfman. No gift from Wolfman.

[Wolfman]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Right now I don’t think there is a OM. I hired a Private investigator and they followed her a few times and nothing. Could she be having an EA, possibly never looked at her phone.

Just want to update and get everyone’s opinion on what happened yesterday and this morning. We are both teachers in different buildings. We had our winter recess last week, this was the first time we ever went away without each other. She took the kids on a cruise and I visited family in Florida. So, yesterday we both got back home and she was obviously in a bad mood that the vacation was over. One of our issues has been I like the house neat and clean and she doesn’t care. Since our separation I don’t go crazy cleaning the house anymore. So, it gets a bit messy now but I don’t care. One of the first things she wants to tell me about is house the house is a disaster and what a mess it is and asked me if I stopped cleaning up. I told her I was still straightening up it’s just that my 2 kids are slobs and keep making a mess. She said the house is disgusting and that she could just give it away. So, I validated her feelings that the house is a mess and the kids need to do a better job at cleaning. Then later on she started to tell me how relaxed she was on the cruise that there were no problems. Except for my D who is 11 who always is a pain in the butt. Obviously on a cruise you will be relaxed it’s vacation. She tries to push my buttons because in the past I use to have a temper. I told her I am glad it was relaxing.

We have a joint account that we both put money into to pay all the house bills and kids activities. Well, this past month there were some extra bills due. So the account was overdrawn by about $700. I told her I put $800 extra in and that she needs to put $800 in now too. She was pissed. She said, I don’t understand where is all of our money going?” I told her there extra bills due (kids insurance policy, dance fees). She was implying like I am taking extra money. I told her I would show her the checking account and what’s going out. But she didn’t want to see it. Then a few minutes later I see my daughter crying. My wife went into her room to talk to her. When I peeked my head in my wife was hugging her and my D was sobbing. I said what’s the matter, she replied she misses being on the cruise. I said I understand. But then when my wife walked out, she said she doesn’t want to be home because of the situation in the house. My D never said that. She always try’s to make me feel bad because she wants me out of the house. I told my wife what do you want me to do? She said she just wants this divorce to be done and that we have months before it will be finalized. I told her we have mediation on Thursday, I don’t know what else she wants me to do.

Yesterday was also my wife’s 40th birthday. I took everyone’s advice and took my daughter to the store to get her a small birthday cake and card from the kids with a gift certificate. I told her I can see your are mad and upset but just wanted to let her know that’s the kids got her a cake for her birthday. So, she agreed to go downstairs so we could sing happy birthday to her and have some cake. After that her mood changed and she was happy. Then they all started to share funny things that happened on the cruise for a few minutes. Then the kids went to bed.

This morning before work I went to say good bye to everyone. I go in each kids room then to my wife where she is usually in the bathroom getting ready. I go to say good bye. And she apologized for being so angry towards me yesterday. She said this whole situation just is horrible. That it’s hard on everyone and she thanked me for the cake. I told her I am sorry that this is happening. She said I don’t need to apologize anymore but here’s the thing. She said she wishes I have been doing these things sooner. And right now she has so much anger inside of her. Again, I said I should have been doing these things sooner. She said I know and then I said good bye and left. Does this mean my changes are working and I just need to be patient? Or is there something else?

[Wolfman]

Also let me add something. The house being a mess use to be an ongoing argument. I told her I don’t care about the house being a mess anymore. If it’s a mess it’s a mess if it’s clean it’s clean. I told her my family is a priority not the house. She said she wishes it would have been like that a while ago. That has been one of my big changes not complaining about the house being clean.

[SteveLW]

Wolfman,

You ask about patience. YES! YOu have to be patient. No question about it. Patience is the #1 requirement. You can't talk or act your in a few days or weeks, what has taken years to get into. So patience.

Second, remember the WAS is on a roller-coaster ride of emotions too. One of the things my W said to me during our sitch was that her feelings would change minute to minute. "Ask me how I feel right now, and in ten minutes ask again and it could be two completely different answers." The key is not to react. Don't react when she is angry and demands the D be moved forward. Don't react when she softens and claims that she is sorry for her anger. Detachment is NOT reacting emotionally to her craziness.

One observation, you are spending way too much time in the house. How is GAL going? You need to be GAL. Yes, you need to be a present father to your kids, but otherwise be busy busy busy. Join a gym. Go out with friends. Go to the gun range. Etc. but be busy. Those that struggle the most in their sitches are those that do GAL the worst. Don't be that guy, get busy and stay busy.

[Wolfman]

Last night we all ate dinner together. I thought it was interesting that my wife said, “i noticed you have been dressing differently, why the change?” I said thank you I guess and I told her I just wanted to change it up a little. So, that is something else she is noticing. I watched a movie with s after dinner and then went to the gym for hour and half. This morning she said good morning to me first which never happens. I hope these are all little baby steps in the right direction.