Concerning when you should date after D, several have already said it, but I think it really depends on the person. I don't think there is any set timeline, though several mentioned seeing 6 months or a year as a guideline. I think everyone is different and you have to go with what feels right in your gut. I know for me, I didn't feel ready to date for a year and honestly, it was almost exactly a year to the day and I just woke up one day and it felt like a switch had been flipped. Now, I wasn't presented with a lot of dating opportunities for a variety of reasons, so I didn't actually GO on a date for about another 3 or 4 months after I felt ready, but that was more about logistics than being ready. I think kml and some others hit the nail on the head that the key to being "ready" is knowing you are past your X and that you aren't going to go running back if they call. It isn't fair to anyone in the situation if you don't know for sure that you are finished with your X.
Originally Posted by Joseph9
There has been no conversation about any R, future talks or anything like that. I am not sending the 8 am good morning texts or the 9 pm good night texts, haven’t said anything about how I am looking forward to seeing her or anything of that nature so I think in some respects we are at a standstill with each other. It’s like this feeling out process with neither one of us wanting to tip our hands. I am looking forward to tomorrow night and seeing her but I guess I am just uncomfortable expressing it. I still have these thoughts of being needy, clingy, etc. floating around in my head combined with it only being 6 dates I am not sure what I should be saying at this point other than avoiding R talks which I have no desire to do anyway. Maybe this falls in line with what the coach says about your feelings being unclear and girls are more attracted to a guy when they don’t know how he feels.
Ok, so, you are going on date 6 this weekend. Just relax and enjoy! I still think you are WAY overthinking everything. Do you like her? Genuinely like her? I'm assuming you do since you keep asking her out. You say you are looking forward to seeing her but are uncomfortable expressing it. I wouldn't think, at this point, because it is still early on, that there would be any R talks, but a clear interest on both parts is not a bad thing. I'm sure this will be an unpopular opinion, but I don't see anything wrong with telling her you are looking forward to your date. It is no secret that I don't necessarily agree with the coach, but I am NOT more attracted to a guy if I'm unsure of his feelings. If someone is asking me out, I'm assume he's interested and if I am also interested, I will keep saying yes. Maybe I am weird, I don't know, but I personally don't think it comes across as needy or clingy to just say that you are looking forward to seeing her.
Have fun. I think your wine/jazz/piano bar sounds fun.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I'm sure this will be an unpopular opinion, but I don't see anything wrong with telling her you are looking forward to your date. It is no secret that I don't necessarily agree with the coach, but I am NOT more attracted to a guy if I'm unsure of his feelings.
Last time I defend the coach but he would never advise to not say I am looking forward to the date.
Please read the book because a lot is taken out of context.
I'm sure this will be an unpopular opinion, but I don't see anything wrong with telling her you are looking forward to your date. It is no secret that I don't necessarily agree with the coach, but I am NOT more attracted to a guy if I'm unsure of his feelings.
Last time I defend the coach but he would never advise to not say I am looking forward to the date.
Please read the book because a lot is taken out of context.
You don't have to defend the coach. You have your opinion of his advice and I have mine. I have not read the book, but I did go online and read some excerpts from it after you all continued to share his advice. I still don't agree with much of what I read (granted, I did NOT read the book in it's entirety) because it comes across as condescending to women IN MY OPINION. That is solely my opinion and I do not expect anyone else to share it. What I did appreciate about the parts that I read is that the coach is very open about saying here is the situation, here is how I handled it, here is how I should've handled it and this is what I learned and how I can help you avoid those same mistakes. That is a good approach and I get how that works, particularly for men who tend to be more task-oriented. It's a very methodical approach and in general, men do tend to think more methodically in most situations. Of course, there are exceptions to EVERY rule.
I simply commented on what J9 said. First, I did NOT say that the coach said don't say you are looking forward to a date. J9 said that. I commented on what he said. Unless I missed something, neither J9 nor I mentioned the coach in that part of what either of us said. I assume (maybe wrongly) that J9 is uncomfortable with expressing his sentiment because he thinks it sounds needy/clingy/whatever. I just said that the opinion may be unpopular because it does seem that a lot of men tend to hold back those sorts of comments, particularly at the beginning for whatever reason that I won't speculate about.
Now, where I did bring the coach into it is when J9 did first. J9 said:
Originally Posted by Joseph9
Maybe this falls in line with what the coach says about your feelings being unclear and girls are more attracted to a guy when they don't know how he feels.
I simply responded to that part of what J9 said by saying I have made no secret that I don't agree with the coach (and I am not the only one who has disagreed with things you all say the coach says and I would imagine I am also not the only one who has not read the book). I simply said I personally am NOT more attracted when I am unsure of a guy's feelings. In fact, being unsure starts to make me unsure. Did J9 take that out of context? I have no idea. Did he paraphrase? Probably, because we all tend to do so. Did I take what J9 said out of context? That wasn't my intention but maybe that is how it came across.
Honestly, if there were a self-help guru out there that really "spoke" to me like the coach speaks to some of you, then I am sure that I would share their advice a great deal as well, so just because I disagree with what advice he gives doesn't mean I think everyone should disagree. I continue to say that everyone is different and they have to do what works for them and I have to do what works for me. For me personally, based on both what you all have said (which is where my initial impressions/opinions of the coach were formed) and the excerpts I read, what the coach said doesn't really work for me, but then again, I'm not his target audience.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I just think getting snippets here and there are an unfair assessment of someones teachings.
He definitely is not condescending to women, again that might come from watching one video and or taking something out of context.
He does teach that it's a scientific fact that women are more attracted to a guy whose feeling are unclear. But he would never advise you against saying "I am looking forward to our date". Actually he would advise the opposite.
I know I said I was done defending him and now I really am.
Totally get what you are saying, LH. And, for the most part, I agree. We see things differently so some things we just won't agree on and that is fine. I'm glad people have different opinions, because, quite frankly, I would hate to live in a world full of Dawns with no other input. That would just be scary. LOL
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
In my opinion, if you cant truly be happy alone, then you will be getting into a LTR for all the wrong reasons, even if you are not aware of it. When you can be happy knowing that you do not need someone else, then you will have the right mindset for a LTR.
Originally Posted by Joseph9
I am happy being alone but I don't want to be alone forever. I love going out with women, the interaction, conversations, and all that they have to offer with their femininity.
How on earth can you know if you are happy being alone if you are dating people? By definition that is not being alone!!! And there in is the problem of dating too soon. I swear rationalization really is the second strongest human drive. We rationalize everything to fit our narrative. The only way to truly know if you are happy alone and with yourself is do be alone. You are not alone if you are going out on dates! You are getting the external fulfillment from anyone you go on a date with. Just because you are not in a committed LTR does not mean you are alone. Dating counts! So I see both of you talking the talk but not walking the walk!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Sorry...I hit the post button before I was finished.
Not to belabor the point, LH, because you said you were done defending and we could probably have exchanges all day where we go back and forth with me saying something then you defending the coach, but I will say this. To me, the snippets of the 3% man book that I read were very condescending. I'm a woman and I took it that way. It wasn't out of context or just a video clip (I didn't even look at videos, just read book excerpts). That is how it came across TO ME. Other women may not think that at all and obviously you don't and that is fine. Different opinions. Even with the tone I don't care for, one thing I DO appreciate is something you pointed out:
Originally Posted by LH19
He does teach that it's a scientific fact that women are more attracted to a guy whose feeling are unclear.
It has been MY experience that sometimes people will talk about scientific facts, almost as though they are preaching, thinking the more they say they are scientific facts, the more they can back them up. This book does seem to include such facts as the one I quoted you on above that are actually scientific facts that you can research. I looked up several from the book as I was reading and I liked that he had actual research-based data to back up what he said. It's real easy for people to say something is "scientific fact" and we hear it all the time on tv and see it in print all the time, but it does seem that when he says it in the book, it is easily verifiable through REPUTABLE scientific sources. Maybe because I'm in a science field this stick out more to me than it would some others, but I think this is a very good thing.
On the other hand, while I was looking/searching/digging, I came across another book of his that wasn't so much about dating called Mastering Yourself. The stuff I read from that one had a whole different vibe and was not at all condescending in tone. I really liked some of what he had to say in that one and will likely read that whole book.
By the way, for the record, I do appreciate the things that you all share because whether I agree with any given individual or not, I can appreciate differing viewpoints and I can learn from them. So, thank you for that.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Spinning of of Don H statement how long should you be alone to know that your happy alone? Would dating be a good/or bad idea if you enjoy being along too much. Date to avoid being a hermit, to avoid walling up your vulnerabilities?
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I was alone for over a year from the time my x moved out to the time I started dating. I am an only child and have no problems being alone. I don’t need validation from anyone but anyone that says they don’t appreciate it or enjoys it from the opposite sex is full of [censored] or maybe they are just not successful with the opposite sex?
That’s like saying that Michael Jordan only needed to practice and didn’t need/want to showcase his abilities in a game or didn’t enjoy being on the ultimate stage. That’s ok coach I just want to practice, I don’t need to play in front of millions of people. Screw that, that’s why you hone your skills, put in the work, get up at 5 am and hit the gym, have gainful employment, increase your sexual market value. It increases your confidence in all aspects of your life which in turn increases your confidence with whatever sex your into. So when the time is right your game is tight and all of your practice and work pays off.
I love women and being with them. Sitting at the bar with an attractive female, enjoying her company, having some wine, talking, laughing, kissing, touching, etc. is freaking fun. Who doesn’t like to be with someone who is totally into them.
Women are beautiful creatures and I am not ashamed to admit it. Sure I could still do all of these things and not decide to date but what fun is that?????
Spinning of of Don H statement how long should you be alone to know that your happy alone? Would dating be a good/or bad idea if you enjoy being along too much. Date to avoid being a hermit, to avoid walling up your vulnerabilities?
TF, You don't have to date to avoid being a hermit, that's what GAL with friends is for even if it is a platonic relationship with a woman.
Trust me you will know. I think you need to give it a year because your's happened so fast.
