Yo G.....I hear ya. I would say this. When we are out on dates we have a great time. There is no shortage of conversation. I feel as though I am acting legit as who I am. It seems to me that the emotional connection starts to build the more you interact and talk with each other in our daily lives. Not just once a week and 1 date per week. So it’s not that I don’t think I can hit it off with her emotionally I just haven’t had the opportunity based on how things have went. I have not started to be vulnerable and either has she. I did reach out to her yesterday and we texted back and forth for a bit so that is a start. The next time I will see her is either sat or sun.
I find myself drawn to my XW's physical type (brunette, short, on the curvy side). I can say my XW is very similar to my mom, so it may be more nature than nurture. I'm open to other possibilities, and some of the more serious dates I've had have all been with blondes. Go figure...
J9, the dating you're doing does seem like a lot of work, and I say that as someone who's done the same. After a while, I realized I was actually going on "relationship interviews". It was exciting - and stressful.
We go on job interviews because there's a mutual need to fill a position. So, what position are we trying to fill when we go on these dates? That last question really got to me, until I realized there is no position (there is no spoon). I am complete by myself. Trite but true.
I had a date about a month ago, and the second she walked in, I could see she just wasn't my type. But I said to myself, "I'm here, I'm going on a date, and I'm going to have a great time". So for the next hour I just said whatever I felt like saying, I had ZERO expectations about the outcome, and had no desire to impress her. It was great! I felt so relaxed and free to be myself. I realized I wanted ALL my dates to be like that.
For me, I was working so hard because I'd convinced myself through my D that I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH to save my M. There was a lot of shame - I had internalized it. I'd read plenty of books too, and I was determined to do better this time. I was really out to prove something to myself.
But everyone has a different path to walk.
Anyway J9, your DR reminds me a lot of the lawyer I dated. The text conversations with her were non-existent and she never reached out, but when we got together the chemistry was like WOW. After 2 great dates she dropped me out of the blue. I wonder if maybe she just liked the attention and flirtation.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Well date number 6 lined up for Saturday night and I got a kissing emjoi to boot
We texted a little bit yesterday and again some today as well. Nothing over the top just 3 or 4 messages between the both of us. I have initiated however she has not taken too long to respond. It does seem the more I reach out the more she is starting to open up. I guess she has been wanting me to be the aggressor. I don't mind doing it so hopefully she will start. I am thinking about just having her come over to my house on Saturday night.
H - I think it has been hard for me to be vulnerable. It is also very easy for me to disqualify someone. Stressful to say the least but I am finding myself trying to make the shift this week. Stepping outside of my comfort zone a bit with this one, being more aggressive, initiating contact and just trying to enjoy the moment. I don't want to overdue it but she seems to be responding.
I know this is really difficult and as Holding well pointed out, can be more like work and a job interview than anything. I'm sure this is why the coach advocates pretty much only dating women who are into you and says it's just much easier - yes it is. The Doctor may be into you but you are the one having to do all of the work or at least most of it.
What I"m still wondering, and perhaps you've answered this when i was gone over the past weeks then this past weekend, but what do you really like about her? I've heard you mostly say that what you like about her is that she flirts with you, you feel chemistry when you are with her (but not any other times) and she is fun on dates. But beyond that, what is it about HER that you like (other than her looks?) I think this is why me and some others here think it seems more like work and more like an exercise in trying. It used to be (and at least with two or three women in my past couple years) that you'd think about them, could not wait to see them, wanted to hear from them. She's so much fun, or a great person to have conversations with or whatever. You just don't seem to be all that into her - it's more like you just want her to be into you and that will be enough. Just the vibe I get.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Holding said we are "looking to fill a spot". I think when we treat it that way, we subconsciously force things we shouldn't. Or we treat it as a job.
Maybe over time you'll build a connection J. Maybe you won't and it will be you that decides it isn't working. Maybe you'll be single and not a relationship for a while longer, and that wouldn't be the end of the world either.
Well this is uncharted territory with a girl that has not tried to force a connection from day 1. Imo it forms over time as you interact and spend more time with each other. I saw one of my basketball buddies this am at the gym who just got engaged ( is divorced 3 yrs ago) and I asked him if he knew right away that his future wife was for him and he said nope I had intentions of going out with others and it just sort of happened. We shall see what happens but that is why it’s called dating. Again I also think our lack of interaction between dates has impacted that some as well. We did text yesterday and on Monday so I hope she will start to reach out more. I do know that there is more that makes sense but us than does not but both of us are taking it slow. I will see her on sat night which is 1 week from last date. We are not forcing seeing other during the week even though she lives 2.8 miles from my house.
We texted a little bit yesterday and again some today as well. Nothing over the top just 3 or 4 messages between the both of us. I have initiated however she has not taken too long to respond. It does seem the more I reach out the more she is starting to open up. I guess she has been wanting me to be the aggressor. I don't mind doing it so hopefully she will start.
So, I think I totally must miss reading between the lines or something on some of your posts sometimes because what jumped out at me about the above comments from a recent post is yes, she wants you to be the aggressor. SHE TOLD YOU THAT! She told you she's old fashioned, told you she wants you to text more. So why do you say you GUESS she has been wanting that? I know, I know someone is going to respond to this with that whole "believe half of what they do and none of what they say" line (which I have never subscribed to myself, but if it works for others, more power to them). I'm more in the camp of if someone repeatedly tells you the same thing (in this case, that she's old fashioned, which to me screams "I need you to pursue me"), that maybe you should pay attention to what they are saying over and over and over again. You also said she's very direct and doesn't really beat around the bush. She told you she's old fashioned, told you to text more, you started texting more and bam, she became more responsive, initiated a text and a date, which she paid for.
I am glad that you are taking your time, getting to know her and that she seems to be much more in control of herself than some of the others. I do agree with what several said, though, that sometimes in reading your posts it almost seems like a lot of work for you because of your overthinking, but if you are having fun, keep on keeping on.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Yes....slow is good. The dr initiated a text to me last night but I was in the middle of basketball practice with my youngest so I told her I would call her later. So I called her after I got the girls to bed and we chatted for about an hour or so. The communication between us has been daily now since our last date on Saturday. Just a few text exchanges but still it has been daily with last night being the longest. I made reservations for sat night at a wine bar/lounge that has live jazz music as well so I thought that would be cool. When I told her she said it didn’t matter to her as she knows with me anything would be fun.
Working from home today as my oldest is now sick and has come down with something. After the gym this morning I picked up cinnamon rolls at the store I think that will probably cure whatever bug she has picked up
How did you know when you were ready to start dating women? Anything specific?
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
