Moving on onto the Bright side part 18

[rexgm]

I did ask me what my 10 yr plan was.

You should of been C/F and replied hopefully to get you in bed by then. (with a little wink)

I find it interesting, though, Rex that in a previous post you talked about all women being sexy and if they put on make-up and are looking good, you are going to look but then in this post you say all the cosmetic enhancements would be a little bit of a red flag. I'm sure you have a very good reason for that and I'm not even trying to question your reason because it is yours. It just seems a tad contradictory to me.

In the fairness of open transparency, I feel any surgical enhancement unless done for health reasons, like breast reduction, is a red flag. Clothes and makeup can be removed very easily and I prefer women with hardly any makeup. and for that matter clothes too :P.


going back to this...

I DO have an issue with is people who just don't have common courtesy or decency and are just rude to people who don't fit their type. I mean, I PREFER tall guys because I'm tall (5'11"), but that doesn't mean that I'm going to make fun of some guy who reaches out to me because he's 5'5".

Now no one should be made fun of for how they look. Your comparison to weight and height are not exactly apples to apples though. One can not control how short or tall they are. One can control how much they weigh. I am a large guy 5'10" 330lbs, but my confidence is of 5'10" 190lbs. It is not easy at all to lose weight, as im sure you know. For some because of hormones it could be near impossible. If someone turns me down by the way i look thats cool, i just move on to the next lady. people may look for the one, but with there being 3 billion women on this earth I am looking for the 10 million not the one. Ofcourse I am in the belief that there about about 10 million women who are capable of being that perfect one for me.

Rex

[rexgm]

Rex... Don't think I was trying to shame anyone... just making an observation. And I wasn't testing anyone. I'm sure there are women out there with a grocery list of requirements. I'm not one of them. I'm honestly just not a fan of the calculated approach to dating. It feels too much like a hunter going after his prey. I don't know... maybe it's just me. Clearly I am not ready to date.

I dont think you did it purposely, but many women test men without them actually being aware of what they are doing. there are conscious and subconscious tests. It was a test, even if you didnt mean it to be. Testing isnt about requirements, testing is about getting someone into your frame. Such as someone women will say and im paraphrasing " if this doesnt happen you are not getting any love tonight." as a man you can either acquiesce to her demand, or you can come back and say "if this is how your going to behave, then there is the door. I am letting you know I will not put up with this type of behavior." It isnt about the requirement but about the control.

Some think of dating as hunter and prey, but not all hunting is the same. You can either go out and chase and try to take down the prey, or you can set up a trap and just go on about your life. Come back every once and a while and see if you caught any thing. But in dating one person has to be the aggressor, or else nothing will ever get accomplished.

Rex

[kml]

Your comparison to weight and height are not exactly apples to apples though. One can not control how short or tall they are. One can control how much they weigh.

Maybe not, Rex. More and more research is showing that it is not all about calories in and calories out when it comes to weight. Stool transplants for instance can change someone's weight. Chemical toxins can affect weight. For all the effort people have put into weight loss research nobody has a magic answer.

That's not to say that cleaning up one's diet and exercising won't help most people - but I have obese patients who exercise like mad and eat an extremely clean limited diet and still cannot lose weight - we need to be careful to not blame them for their medical condition.

[kml]

I will also say that the DR and I are playing a little Mexican standoff with each other. I believe she is waiting for me to engage more frequently, chat with her more frequently. I think she is waiting for me to emotionally invest before she will let her guard down to reciprocate

Joseph, you're overthinking here.

I think I, like most single women, like to hear from a guy I'm dating - just not excessively. It can be lonely being single and there's something very nice about getting that good morning text. On the other hand, I'm very busy at work and there's something creepy about the texts that are bent out of shape because I haven't responded yet.

I know it's difficult to walk the line between too enthusiastic (makes me feel they are in love with a fantasy not the real me because they haven't taken the time to know me yet) and not enthusiastic enough ( if a guy seems to be lukewarm about seeing me and isn't expressing his interest in me I'm gonna assume he's not sufficiently interested and move on to some other guy who seems more emotionally available. (And I'll admit I've probably dropped a couple of guys in my past too early for this reason.)

[Dawn70]

Now no one should be made fun of for how they look. Your comparison to weight and height are not exactly apples to apples though. One can not control how short or tall they are. One can control how much they weigh. I am a large guy 5'10" 330lbs, but my confidence is of 5'10" 190lbs. It is not easy at all to lose weight, as im sure you know. For some because of hormones it could be near impossible. If someone turns me down by the way i look thats cool, i just move on to the next lady. people may look for the one, but with there being 3 billion women on this earth I am looking for the 10 million not the one. Ofcourse I am in the belief that there about about 10 million women who are capable of being that perfect one for me.

Rex

Now I'm going to go from sounding like I'm trying to be an argumentative smart @ss to being a people pleaser by saying I see several points of view. But, in a nutshell, yes, I agree that height vs. weight is not an apples to apples comparison. As a bigger woman myself, though, I would NEVER hold someone's weight against them. I know firsthand how badly that hurts so I just wouldn't do it so height was the first thing that popped into my mind when I was making my point. However, I also agree with what kml said that losing weight can be more about a medical issue and that it can be nearly impossible for some people.

I also agree that if someone is going to walk away from me just because of my looks, oh well. That says a WHOLE lot more about them than it does me and I don't care. I'd rather they walk away than to deal with someone who has that attitude. What I do care about is when they are nasty about it in the process or people who are just rude in general about peoples' looks. A few years ago, I was working a travel show as a part of the job I had at the time and I had left my booth to go to the restroom. Near the restroom (and conveniently, the beer stand) there was a group of young-ish guys (mid to late 20's, looked like a bunch of preppy frat guys) standing there who had clearly spent a lot of their time at the beer stand already. I didn't know any of them and didn't even really look at them, other than to say excuse me when I walked past them because one of them sort of drunkenly staggered right into my path and I had to walk around him to keep from knocking him down. They were in the middle of the very wide aisle kind of lingering, I assume to buy more beer, but they were blocking the path to the restroom so I had to go around them to get to the hallway where the restroom was. Like I said, I didn't even really look at them or acknowledge them other than to say excuse me to the one who stepped in front of me. As I passed, one of them, loudly said something to the rest of the group about "check out that ugly fat chick in the purple sweatshirt" and then they all laughed as though they were the funniest humans on the planet. Now, I get that people talk and any group of friends at any given time might say something because in general it is human nature to be a bit judgey, but they could have had the decency to either whisper or to wait until I was out of ear shot before they started trashing my physical appearance when I had literally done NOTHING to deserve it other than walk through their field of view to go to the bathroom. I was PISSED! And, honestly, if I hadn't been at work so I had to be professional, I probably would've turned around and smacked that sh!t-eating smirk off that boy's face, but I couldn't do that in the interest of professional decorum. I was AT WORK. So, when I came out of the bathroom and the group was still standing there, I walked right toward the one who had said it, looking him dead in the face the whole time and I told him I hoped they enjoyed their second glimpse of the ugly fat chick in the purple sweatshirt and I just kept walking. I could hear them whispering and some of them laughing after I walked past but I didn't turn and look. Later, they walked by the booth and all of them but the loud mouth made eye contact with me and a few of them either came over and talked to me and asked a few questions and signed up for the drawing we were doing. Loud mouth was visibly uncomfortable that his buddies were now talking to me, but I found it humorous and I get that they were doing it precisely because it was making him uncomfortable, but I still found the humor in it. THAT is the attitude that gets me mad. If he had said something that rude, even to his friends out of ear shot of me, I wouldn't have cared because I wouldn't have known, but don't be a douche bag just because I don't match your ideal. That is just totally uncalled for.

[DejaVu6]

You ROCK Dawn!! No wonder Sparky wants to marry you!!

[TBSakaJ9]

KM....I might be overthinking it some but the phone works both ways. I should not be the one to always initiate contact. I can do a little more but if it’s not reciprocal then for me I eventually would have to say something.

[kml]

Yes you're overthinking. You're still in the very early stages and frankly, women have learned not to pursue early on because too many guys are scared off by that.At least in these beginning stages YOU should be the one making more contacts.

[Ginger1]

Woah, I sure miss some interesting conversation when I actually have to work.

I'll give my short version opinion.

J- you have got to put the dam books down. They are hurting you more than they are helping you. They aren't meshing well with your overanalytical nature. Sometimes we just need a break and we just need to do what we feel and trust ourselves just a bit.

I will say bluntly, you seem to value physical appearance over what someone has to offer. Not to say you don't value a person themselves, but if they don't fit into your very narrow physical window, you have a hard time really seeing the person. You have mentioned on numerous occasions that your ex was 5'4" 115lbs. I have it memorized. I get some people have a type, and I appreciate that you have explored past it..... but you get stuck on it.

I am the weirdo who doesn't have a physical type. Personality actually molds the way a person looks for me. I have found almost all the guys I have dated good looking. ANd they have all looked completely different (although it is erie that M is a 6'2 polish guy with beautiful green blue eyes, as was my exNG, only exNG was 12 years older). I have dated short and tall, and 2 overweight guys. One of them took care of his health, was active, was a firefighter, he just really liked food (as do I). The other had ED due to his weight, uncared for type !! diabetes, doesn't believe in doctors and it turned me off a lot. I've dated short, tall,bald,, hair, beard, no beard... (crap, I sound like I have dated too much). But at the end of the day, it's the person that feeds attraction for me.

M is attracted to me physically. But he expressed how that is not important to him, his attraction stemmed from my personality.I admit, I am a "type" and not everyone's cup of tea. But if I fall into that "type" for a guy, their attraction level has always been pretty high. And these guys couldn't see past that and it made me feel like poop. Plumber couldn't get past his obsession with my a$$ it grossed me out.I think M doesn't have a physical type like me. He just likes me and it feels so good.


I have dated too many men as I have been single most of my adult life. And yes, starting over each time is absolutely exhausting. But I think your main problem is you really haven't found one you have connected with on an emotional level yet. I think part of that reason is you are so into figuring out all these dating games and rules, looking at the outside, rather than the inside, and focusing on how attracted that person is to you, you haven't really had a chance to drop the cr@p and focus on the person. I know I am not the norm, but look how long and how many dates it took me to find someone I have feelings for on a different level than all the others. It's still early, I don't know where it's going, but this one "counts"

Fine, that wasn't the short version. But I think you need to step back and breath and drop the stupid books. DO what feels right to you. ANd you may not like it at all that she wants you to pursue so hard before she reaches out to you. And you are allowed to have those feelings, to do something about it, and not just follow in what she wants and think about what's right for you for a hot second.

[Twofeet]

J,

Your still mind reading and thinking thats what the other guys did and it didnt work out for them. How do you know they texted more often than you, thats right she TOLD you. Remember dont believe anything they say and half of what they do. If she tells you about other guys just respond, I know we are still seeing other people, but I want my time with you to be just about you. No need to get jealous or bash them, be above that and dont let it bother you.

How will you feel if she doesnt want an emotional investment? She may just love attention and dating, but isnt ready for a serious relationship. All those enhancements would be a small red flag for me. Not enough to scare me away, but I would definately look closer and pay more attention.

Rex

TOTALLY agree with the first part of what you said. I think J9's over-analytical mind leads him down that path of mind-reading. You have NO idea if texting more would help or hurt. You are not those other men so why bother thinking about what happened to them based on what they did or didn't do? It doesn't matter!

I find it interesting, though, Rex that in a previous post you talked about all women being sexy and if they put on make-up and are looking good, you are going to look but then in this post you say all the cosmetic enhancements would be a little bit of a red flag. I'm sure you have a very good reason for that and I'm not even trying to question your reason because it is yours. It just seems a tad contradictory to me.

It's all very interesting, though. I absolutely love you all sharing your different perspective and being willing to openly discuss it. It is just fascinating to me.

Dawn,

I don't think it's contradictory. Maybe Rex can give his input, but I read it as a little makeup vs surgery, injections, etc. Its like a person who likes to workout to look good vs a juiced to the gills gym rat.

Personally I like women as naturally as they were born. Cosmetic surgery is a big turnoff. I also like minimal makeup or no makeup. XW likes to put on the war paint and at times I find it unattractive. Less is more in my books.