Moving on onto the Bright side part 18

[TBSakaJ9]

Oh boy...this might be a semi long post. Yes, D I am an over thinker. Maybe when she didn't respond to my text that created some anxiety in me. She reached out, I got validated so maybe my attraction/interest went down a little. Hmm...interesting thought.

I am so self-aware that I find myself thinking about it when I am in the moment with her. For example, we were messing around and after she took care of me I felt like....ok I am done, I just want to go home or something. Like I caught myself thinking that and then in the moment I remembered what I read in one of my books about men and after sex they are turned off or just want to get away from their woman (I am paraphrasing). However woman want to get closer and bond/connect, snuggle, blah, blah, blah. Then I started thinking is this just normal man behavior or is it because I am not that into her yet? I enjoyed every minute of it but I can't seem to get out of my own head.

I don't know if I would ever be totally smitten with another woman again. I loved my XW, would have done anything to keep our family together but since then I have grown in so many ways. While I am interested, attracted, and she has many things going for her I think it would take some time before I let anyone completely in. I am picky, maybe to a fault, I won't lie and I will agree she is the best one yet. I know I am a catch though and I don't know that I would put anyone on a pedestal again. I like the DR but I have not put her on a pedestal

Maybe this has to do with all the books that I have read and listened to. Maybe it has to do with all the work I have done on myself. Having a woman in my life would be nice and she is a great catch but I don't need one. I do enjoy her company, it has been fun to be out with her, talking, drinking, we do seem to click really well. Initially it also appears that we are on the same page with a lot of things. I am still not all in though and it doesn't matter to me that she is a DR. I could care less about her money.

I am still learning her thought. I will say she is not very expressive with her feelings. She told me she struggles with words of affirmation which is one of my love languages.

Yes, she commented that I have reached out to her the least of any guy she has dated. Yes, she did indicate she wanted me to reach out to her more. What she thinks she wants vs what she will respond to emotionally could be two different things. I can't help that I have read what I read about dating, relationships, building sexual tension, woman needing some anxiety in their life, creating distance, space, how attraction works, etc. So I have all of that knowledge spinning in the back of mind as well. Trying to balance it all out has been difficult.

Thanks J...I don't mind getting picked on and I am a good guy. Maybe in some ways I was spoiled with my XW in the looks department obviously not in the MR department I am not perfect by any means and I have tried and am trying to get out of my comfort zone a bit and expand my mind. The DR is 5'8 about 145 lbs, dark hair and has never had her own children. Her an her XH adopted their son when he was born. My XW was about 5'4, 115 lbs...she was petite.

What I am trying to figure out is if that is my type or do I think that is my type because that is what I was married to for almost 15 years.

[LH19]

Well if it helps you my type has been my type since I was 16 years old. When I have strayed from my type it has not lasted long.

I strayed from my type back in October and I ended it and the girl quit online dating because of it. Mad me feel horrible. I am very reluctant now to venture away from type.

I remember awhile back you made a comment about seeing her in the gym and that not be sexy and I thought to myself that sounds like a red flag. Women I am attracted to always look sexy in the gym.

[DejaVu6]

Ugh... this discussion is exactly why the idea of dating makes me feel sick to my stomach. No offence but you guys sound like you are weighing the pros and cons of buying a car as opposed to dating a human being. If I were the doctor and I read this, that would be it for me. Is this a guy thing? My type always looks sexy in the gym? Seriously? Red flag?

[AndrewP]

Is this a guy thing? My type always looks sexy in the gym? Seriously? Red flag?

It's a "some guys" thing. I'm sure that there are women out there who judge based on superficial factors as well.

For me - my "type" is female and not my ex-wife

[DejaVu6]

LOL... my type is apparently conflict-avoidant men who are prone to depression and running away.

I suppose there are superficial women out there. I am thankful I am not one of them. For me, it is just about being attracted to someone on all levels. For instance, my H is not what I would call my "type" physically. I have historically been attracted to tall men, 6' 2" and above (I am 5' 10"), with dark hair. My H is between 5' 11" and 6' 0" and when I met him was blond (now shaves his head). However, he had a genuine smile, beautiful green eyes, an amazing sense of humour and his eyes lit up when he saw me. I forgot all about the fantasy guy and fell head over heels. He did as well and I'm pretty sure I didn't fit the mold of his "type" as his ex is nothing like me. I'm not sure, given our experiences and where we find ourselves (on this board) that we should be too "married" to our type. Just sayin'.

[DonH]

I agree with the many others in that all of this discussion is insightful and interesting. But it does seem clinical,and exausting - at least to me. It's like you (we) have to push yourself to do all of this - and what fun is that? In early life it seemed like I just lived and if I met someone I was interested in I'd ask them out. I'd look forward to the date and it would often be fun. Now it's more like work... Like you have to push yourself to meet people in hopes of finding and connecting with soneone to get you to the starting point that used to start things way back when.

I went to dinner with someone last night and we talked about a lot if things including I should ask Swedish goddess out again. But it's like work, like I'm pushing myself to do it in hopes there will be a spark - versus there being a spark and that's why I want to ask her out. This is what it almost sounds like for you Joseph - like you are trying to find a spark with the Doctor. Oh and BTW what you read about post orgadam depression in males was something i talked about to ginger here so you just may have read it here.

I think you are figuring it out as you go and that's okay. I think you summed some of it up with it will take "the one" to make you feel like you did with your ex. Doctor may just not be the one and that's what some of us are sensing that you are far more focused on her reaction to you and less about how you feel about her. Is it possible that she's good enough right now but not really what you are looking for? Or maybe, and I've said this many times to you, I really don't think you yet know what you are looking for - and that's okay as long as you don't knowingly hurt soneone in the process. It just seems like this should be more fun and less work yet it's turning out to be more work and less fun? I feel the same with much of it. Other than wild girl it's been more work than fun. She's been both and still not the right one (for many reasons) so it takes more work in hoping I do find singing that's the right fit - it just seems like way more work than it's worth. But now I'm projecting my feelings onto you - I just may not be that far off

[LH19]

D,

We certainly don't want to make the thought of dating make you feel sick to your stomach.

My point was a woman I am attracted to looks sexy in the gym to me because I know it is hard work. I get up everyday at 4:30 to workout and I know how hard it is and the sacrifices I have to make. So for a woman to make the same kind of sacrifices is sexy to me.

The red flag was something that caught my attention from understanding J9s postings for almost two years.

Men in general are visual creatures. That is how we were created but no not all men are that way.

To piggy back off what Andrew said, believe me there are many women who are the same if not worse. I am floored sometimes when I read some of the profiles about what a woman is looking for in a man.

[kml]

Hmmm.... this has me thinking about my "type" I am generally attracted to tall brunettes or African-American men. Partially because I have fond memories of some tall black boyfriends, partially because they make me feel petite by comparison, partially because men of color appreciate my curves as an asset, not a flaw.

Yet my husband was 5'10" and blond, and I once had a mad unrequited crush on a guy who was 5'3".

My REAL type is a smart guy with a wicked sense of humor, fiscally responsible, happy and kind. I'll tell you when I meet him.

[Twofeet]

I'm going to throw in my 2 cents. My type is woman.... preferably college educated, smart (not the same as college educated), ambitious, motivated, healthy, high morals standards. Pretty basic.

I'm not prepared for dating, but a friend showed me his OLD profile and I agree with LH. In fact to put it mildly what I saw as common for women was pretty high expectations for a pretty used car.

[TBSakaJ9]

I think I am focused on the DR's reaction to me because from an attraction stand point all of my readings indicate that as a man we should always be gauging her level of attraction. It has become very clinical and in some respects the fun has been taken out. Am I leading, was I direct, is she touching me, is she flipping her hair, did I take control, how many days has it been, has she started to invest, how often has she reached out compared to me, is it 80/20, etc. etc. I think I am making it more work because of all the information I have read.

Exhausting is the right word DH. I can't get it all out of my head. Call don't call, text, don't text.....ugh.

I think I read it in the book Atomic Attraction DH about post orgasm depression. With my XW we had our routine which started with her and ended with me. So then I either went to bed, went in the other room, did some man stuff or whatever so my depressed state was not around her. It was not her take care of me first (then I want to leave) followed by me taking care of her (while wanting to leave). So far the roles have been reversed and as she continues messing around I am like wanting to go do something else.

D - The DR told me flat out what she is attracted to and she makes no bones about it. Tall, fit, educated, white men that can hold an intellectual conversation. I read another girls profile that said "If your hot drop me a note and lets talk". Make no mistake women might try to hide it more than a man but they can be just as superficial.

L - She looked good but I think I commented the moment wasn't sexy (IDK). She actually has a great complexion and wears little to no make up.

I don't feel that I am trying to force things with the DR. I think I have learned though through you all to temper my expectations, take things slow, and not emotionally invest too soon. I have also been burned a couple of times as well by girls that I didn't see it coming from.

I will also say this. It is very weird to get comfortable with someone in an intimate manner when you are used to the same thing for 17 years. What they like, how they move, sounds they make, facial expressions in the moment, smells, tastes, etc. etc. Getting used to someone that is extremely into is a little overwhelming as it is very different than what it was with my XW over the course of our relationship. With dating it feels like you are constantly having to learn someone and get comfortable with them. Then just as you are (that happened with the last girl) something happens and then starting from square 1 all over again. Just saying this is something most men don't talk about. I have discussed this with buddies of mine that are D'd who went through the same problems early on.