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MamaB25 Offline OP
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Thank you for your feedback. You say patience and Atleast a year but I don’t have that time. He filed and we goto court in February for pre trial. The house is going to be sold and we will be divorced within a few months. Won’t it be too late at that point? It’s been 7 months and he hasn’t changed. 3 1/2 weeks til court I’m scared I’m not going to be a success story.

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Originally Posted by MamaB25
Thank you for your feedback. You say patience and Atleast a year but I don’t have that time. He filed and we goto court in February for pre trial. The house is going to be sold and we will be divorced within a few months. Won’t it be too late at that point? It’s been 7 months and he hasn’t changed. 3 1/2 weeks til court I’m scared I’m not going to be a success story.


Getting a D doesn't mean you don't become a success story. Really, I think you have to remember and focus on that. Because we don't know what the future holds - you could still R down the road after D.

It's true, you may not, and that's a really tough pill to swallow. I'm trying to get the same pill down. Drinking lots of water.

But, I do think that the future being unwritten should be a source of hope, not a source of fear.

Did you ever play with Legos? I was just thinking about this. And you make some really cool house and barn. But then you want to make a battleship too. You have to tear down the house and barn to make the battleship. The creation of something new comes from something else falling apart.

You might have to let this M fall apart completely and legally in order for the next R to take root. Your H may not be able to move forward in his process unless he feels completely untethered. Maybe that will give him the "freedom" he needs to better himself, and work through his issues.

Find hope in the unknown. Don't look around at the destruction around you, try to look at what you can build with your new resources.

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You may feel that there is no hope for your marriage and the hurt is too deep to restore the relationship and love that you once had. The truth is, your life and marriage can be better and stronger than it was before. In fact, thousands of marriages, situations as complex and painful as yours, have been transformed with the help of professionals who understand where you are right now and care deeply about you and your spouse’s future.

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The unknown is so scary for sure... where will you go when the house is sold? The hardest thing in life is to have an action plan when your heart is broken... but you must.

Remember, strength is attractive.

Who knows what is in store for your future. There are couples who do remarry after divorce but honestly once the dust settles and you really have detached from the situation you may not want a man you left you high and dry to figure it out on your own.

The only person you can control is you... are you taking the steps to make sure you and your children are going to be okay? How are the financials looking? Can you pay the bills and feed yourself? I don't see your H coming out of his issues in such a short time. Make sure you have what you need to make it on your own for now.

Hugs!

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Originally Posted by MamaB25
Thank you for your feedback. You say patience and Atleast a year but I don’t have that time. He filed and we goto court in February for pre trial. The house is going to be sold and we will be divorced within a few months. Won’t it be too late at that point? It’s been 7 months and he hasn’t changed. 3 1/2 weeks til court I’m scared I’m not going to be a success story.


Divorce is not the end of it. There have been many couples who didn't reconcile until after divorce. A lot of the situations here end in D because the LBS has been largely ineffective at removing pressure from the WAS. If you can well and truly remove the pressure then they'll put the D on the back burner, but what usually happens is the LBS will follow some of the DB'ing rules but not others (in particular, temp checking) and even the smallest pressure is derailing their efforts. After D the LBS almost always says "well that's it, there's no hope now" and gives up, and well and truly does finally drop the rope and remove all pressure. Sometimes THAT is what it takes for the WAS to finally see what they've lost. It doesn't always work out that way, but sometimes it does. So even D is not a reason to give up hope, unless you're done and don't want to hang onto hope anymore, that's up to each of us individually.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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So my H and I came up with an agreement that we would goto court Feb 4 meet with the mediator and go in front of the judge and we agreed on all stipulations and to do it with NO lawyers. We do not have a lot of assets and seem to be on the same page as far as everything. This morning I get a call from his lawyers office to come in for a meeting before our pre trial to try to come to an agreement and “save” time in court and lawyer fees. Never heard of a lawyer trying to lower fees. My H is so gullible. Is this standard procedure ?? I’m starting to think this guy is just doing my police officer H a favor and he’s not really paying him. Obviously his lawyer isn’t going to have my best interest at heart. I really wanted to do this without lawyers but again he has lied and blindsided me. Narcissistic him then starts calling me crazy when I confronted him and says he is still following the agreement but his lawyer is just going to do a legal document that way we can present it at court. I see no reason why we can’t goto the free mediator at the court house and then go in front of the judge. Why does he try to ruin my life?? None of his words match his actions.

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So sorry MamaB. This is an awful time, I know. I don’t think he is trying to ruin your life. In fact, I don’t think he is thinking about you at all...just himself which it appears is typical. Do you get to see the agreement before you present it at court. I would not do the agreement without letting a different lawyer look it over first. It could be that he is being honest about why the lawyer is involved but just in case, you should definitely have someone review it. (((HUGS)))

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Originally Posted by MamaB25
I really wanted to do this without lawyers but again he has lied and blindsided me.


You don't have to use a lawyer to proceed but you SHOULD consult one prior to mediation.

Mediators can't give legal advice. So if you have any questions arise you won't have a resource. You can consult with a lawyer privately, and then go through with mediation well informed.

Some lawyers will have a free initial consult with the hopes you'll retain them after. Inquire! Or, some employer EAP benefits have resources you call for a free consult.

Paying for an hour or two of lawyer fees while expensive will give you the peace of mind that you advocated for yourself appropriately. Your H may or may not find out, and may react angrily. Too bad. You can tell him very honestly that you felt it was best to have the agreement reviewed.

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We goto court Monday. I can’t believe it has come to this. Almost 8 months since BD and feels just like yesterday.

Do WAS ever change their minds last minute or at court?? I’m desperate and scared and there is NO part of me that wants a divorce. Is there anything I can say to him at this point to change things ???

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Hang in there Mama. This too shall pass.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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