LBS dealing with WW (part 6)

[Joe2017]

She wants to take things even slower than I do to make sure our kids are OK with us dating.

You might need to slow your roll Joe. Remember she has to earn another chance with you.

In the past she cheated on me to get out of our MR.
She tried using cheating to get out of the relationship she had with OM. it didn’t work, because OM is also a cheater, lol.

Big red flag. When things are good she'll be fine. What happens when inevitably things get rocky again down the road?


Is she in IC? If it was me that would be a must prior to recon.

Yeah, what I meant about her taking it slower than me sounds worse than it is. I'm going at a turtle pace and she is more like a snail. If that makes sense. I'm not rushing this by any means.

Yeah I know it's a huge red flag. She is going to be getting C. I also have limited belief that C does anything for cheaters. When she had her A with OM during our MR, it was right at the very end and she didn’t really do it to force me out. HOWEVER, during her time with OM, she found out he was cheating so she went out and cheated to get back at him. And he didn’t give damn about it. Those are the details around the cheating. If that makes any difference? I dunno that it does.

[Yail]

I can't recall, was your wife in a suspected MLC? Does this impact your thoughts on her actions?

Not to excuse them, but to see her whole cheating as part of something she was going through. A symptom of her greater issues. Do you think it was wildly out of character for her up until that point in time?

If you do think MLC, do any of her other symptoms seem to still be around, or have they changed too? How she dresses, anger, depression....

[Ready2Change]

"Do not let fear control me"

[Jim1234]

"Do not let fear control me"

^^^^^^ This.

Most of your "reasons against" are rooted in the above statement.

[Joe2017]

I can't recall, was your wife in a suspected MLC? Does this impact your thoughts on her actions?

Not to excuse them, but to see her whole cheating as part of something she was going through. A symptom of her greater issues. Do you think it was wildly out of character for her up until that point in time?

If you do think MLC, do any of her other symptoms seem to still be around, or have they changed too? How she dresses, anger, depression....

I totally get where you’re coming from. No, all of her symptoms came on like a mental illness. Much like a MLC but it was not an MLC. It was waywarding and being manipulated by OM. It was always very clear to me, and also became clear to her a few months ago. When the fog was lifted and she realized what happened to her, she couldn’t believe it. And what’s more, is that she could not believe that she DID IT TO HERSELF. She fully realizes that her current problems are all her own doing. Yes she was manipulated, but she was also complicit.

So she is MOSTLY back to being what I remember as my wife. She dresses normal, talks normal, jokes normal, deals with her problems actually better than she used to. We are much more open and she actually considers what I tell her much more than she did even when we were in the best years of our MR. She did get extremely dressed up for a date we went on, but it was a really nice gesture because of our history and how I used to get upset that I felt like she did not try to look her best on our dates... Yet as soon as she started being WW, she would dress like she was hitting the club every night. Now I can see her trying to be “fancy” for me. It’s something that we lacked in our MR and it’s nice.

I actually believe she is trying. I’m having moments of weakness that I will only admit here to my friends on the site. I just have to let go of my resentment. I never had a reason to before, and now that I do I’m working hard to overcome this problem. But it still exists.

"Do not let fear control me"

I’m trying! I think that I am not too far from a breakthrough. I typically move through this kinda stuff at a decent pace, but I will rollercoaster quite a bit before I settle in and put all of the pieces of the puzzle together. Thanks for the support!

We will get into see a C as soon as we can.

[Ready2Change]

I actually believe she is trying.

I am no expert in this part of the process, but I believe boundaries, trust but verify, no backsliding and continuation of personal growth is still important right now.

] I’m having moments of weakness that I will only admit here to my friends on the site.

I understand. We all do.

I just have to let go of my resentment. I never had a reason to before, and now that I do I’m working hard to overcome this problem. But it still exists.

Personal growth is tough work, but worth it.

Keep leading though this.

[TJT]

Hey Joe. Just caught up on this thread, I'll need to go back to your previous ones to get more details leading up to this but for right now, I'm happy you have this opportunity and I think you're handling it incredibly well. I wish the absolute best for you and XW and I'm happy to hear that the difficulty of recon is less so than the difficulty of D!

I also just have to say that this made me LOL:

How many dudes has she called sweetie? No, damn it. I'm Joe2017 and you will address me as me.

I had the hardest time when my H started calling me by my name instead of "babe". I actually told him NOT to call me by my name because it was so ridiculous. So I like that you've said this and if I ever get the same opportunity I may steal it from your playbook. Within reason, of course. You are great at setting the boundaries, just make sure they don't become excessive as "punishment" which will further inhibit R2.

[Bo562]

I had the hardest time when my H started calling me by my name instead of "babe". I actually told him NOT to call me by my name because it was so ridiculous.

Hey TJT, I mentioned in my thread how hard it is for my W to not call me ‘hun,’ ‘babe,’ or ‘love,’ like she used to. The boys, especially OS, get that way more than I do. Every now and then, it slips through her lips, and it sounds / feels like nothing changed, except that everything did. Like you, I don’t especially like it when she calls me by my first name, but unlike you, I haven’t done what you did to your H. The flip side is that for her, she has stopped get called ‘hun,’ ‘babe’ or ‘sexy’ by me. Just not feeling it, and she doesn’t exactly deserve it right now.

I’m sorry for your sitch (read your intro), and it sounds like you deserve so much better. It will be there some day, like it will be for us all.

(((TJT)))

[TJT]

Thanks Bo. I'm pretty stuck between wanting to stick mine out until the end of time and blowing it up with all the explosives known to man. I'll head over to check out your thread and learn more about your sitch.

[Joe2017]

I had the hardest time when my H started calling me by my name instead of "babe". I actually told him NOT to call me by my name because it was so ridiculous. So I like that you've said this and if I ever get the same opportunity I may steal it from your playbook. Within reason, of course. You are great at setting the boundaries, just make sure they don't become excessive as "punishment" which will further inhibit R2.

During our MR my XW was always annoyed by me using her first name. I’d say her name and she’d say mine back mockingly, and then she’d say it was weird. So after we got back together, and she started back with the ILY she’d use pet names like before, so I stopped her from doing it. She got kind of upset about it, and she wanted to know why I was stopping her. I asked her if she called anyone else “sweetie” after our D. That’s all I had to say for her to understand.

I get what you’re saying about not using my boundaries as punishment. I agree, but I also tend to feel like I cannot make this easy for her. She can’t just step back into my life and pick up where SHE left off. She agreed up front to my terms and conditions and she is earning back everything that I once gave her willingly. During our MR she was privileged and spoiled. I gave her everything she wanted. Not this time. She threw all of that away, and now she has to work for it. I think some people view this as me being an aggressive control freak, but I am doing this with a plan that is motivated by love. Love for myself, my son, and my XW. I’m not really a hard ass. I’m a big softie, and that’s part of what got me into this mess. I had NGS and she was a controller. Well, not anymore. Lol.