LBS dealing with WW (part 6)

[SoTorn]

Joe,

I am in the same exact sitch as you were a year ago. How did you handle Christmas? I have three kids with WW. WW is doing the same exact as yours was. Less the abusive stuff though. WW is cordial and nice when she is at home, but WW is dead set that its over and fully into an A. I refuse to move out and will not until D is final. WW has not filed. WW keeps saying she wants to file and actually retained an attorney but has not done anything.

WW keeps finding small things to get mad about to get negative attention. I get the "good morning" and "you look very nice" all the time now. I am NC as much as possible. I keep slipping up and responding to texts about negative stuff. That is something that i am working on.

I am GAL, lost weight, dieting, working out, being gone on the weekends, spending a ton of time with the kids. WW notices, but she doesnt really say anything. The difference is WW used to complain about a lot of stuff. I made mistakes in the past. I was an Ahole in the past, but I stopped years ago and made huge changes. WW had recognized them before. Now WW just has nothing but petty stuff to complain about.

Beyond my stupid responding to her texts I have done a great job of NC. But I am confused on Christmas. WW asked me to put money in our joint account which I did because I do want to help with the groceries and gifts for our kids. I am going to go get gifts for my kids this weekend. WW hasnt gotten much for them and she didnt ask me for help or ask for money on whatever she got the kids. Therefore I will get them stuff from myself.

When you gave the kids gifts did you just put them from dad? Or did you put from dad and mom?

I am in a world of heart break as well. EA since March, IHS since September 24th. Confirmed PA on October 31st.

I slipped quite a few times before I found this board and was in hot pursuit, kept getting drawn into arguments etc. I am doing much better now besides responding to texts which I will no longer do.

[AnotherStander]

Joe, glad to hear your S got some closure, and it's great that your ex accepted it without reservation. Based on the successful recon stories I know of, it really does sound like she is being genuine and honest with you. She still has work to do but if you do decide to give her a chance I feel like you are going to see a much different person than the one you saw for the past year.

My ex and I talked on the phone afterwards. We talked a lot about what it would mean for us to be together again. She was talking about the future and said she'd like to marry me again one day, if we ever get there. I told her to slow down because she is getting way ahead of herself. She told me that she is just excited at the opportunity to get a second chance and doesn't understand why I'm even considering it because I'm lowering my standards if I take her back.

Before we hung up, I said goodnight and my ex told me that she loves me. I told her thanks.

Perfectly handled. Make her work for it.

When you gave the kids gifts did you just put them from dad? Or did you put from dad and mom?

I'm not Joe but in my case my kids were all 10 or older after BD and knew (spoiler alert) that there was no Santa. I have 3 kids so rather than wrestle with whose names to put on the tags (mine, ex, and the other two kids? Just mine and the other 2 kids?) I just put from "Santa" on all of them. Lots easier that way! If your kids still believe in Santa that might not work because they'll think you didn't get them anything, LOL! Incidentally I still do that to this day.

[NicoleR]

Hi Joe,

Your update is spectacular! I love hearing about your son being able to speak his mind. I can't believe your ex-wife is already talking about getting re-married. What a roller coaster your year has been. I hope you'll keep us posted!

[Jim1234]

Joe, I think it's wonderful that your son was finally heard, and your W got to see first hand the devastation she caused in his life, too. It sounds like really great news, but please take it slowly and make sure she's sincere, and in it for the long haul.

So Torn, you need to do whatever works for you, but the presents I bought, I signed "Me". W and I didn't really buy anything together so it didn't really come up.

Just as an aside, I didn't get anything for W, except a few lumps of coal I put in her stocking. Yes, I did.

[Joe2017]

Thanks everyone. I have been trying to take it slow. After spending all this time talking to her, I really do think that she is sincere. Every day she tells me that if I need more time, or if this doesn't work for me right now, that she will wait until I'm ready. She tells me that she loves me often and doesn't expect me to say it back to her. I am being cautious. I told her that she is going to have to do a lot of work to get our relationship back on track. She knows I have justified trust issues, and she is trying to do what she can to help me trust her again. She gave me her social media passwords. I think she is putting forth a lot of effort. Her perspective on almost everything has shifted. It's hard to explain, but she is very aware of what she did wrong in our marriage and as a parent and she seems to genuinely want to make up for it.

But who knows if the fog is really lifted? This will take some more time, but I am tentatively working with her to rebuild. It's touch and go right now.

SoTorn:
I bought my kids presents and they were from me. My ex did the same. But that was our situation. Yours may be different. Be 100% prepared for any gift exchanges to be made all about the wayward and their needs. They may buy them crappy gifts because "poor them, they don't have money anymore" or the complete opposite where they go overboard to "beat" you at gift giving.

[Maika]

Is she doing any therapy right now? From what you wrote, her actions sound about right, but she probably needs some help in processing and figuring all of this out. And if after some therapy sessions over a few months, she still wants to recon, and you're amenable to it, I would suggest that you find a good MC to explore the possibility of recon and see if it's actually going to be feasible. If reading the recon threads has taught me anything, this is a long long road and somehow way harder than dealing with BD and the aftermath.

[Joe2017]

Yes counseling is going to be a big part of this. There is a cost aspect right now due to the holidays and the fact that OM left her in a bad financial situation. We have a lot to work on, but I can see the possibility of recon if she continues to be sincere and repentant.

[AnotherStander]

Thanks everyone. I have been trying to take it slow. After spending all this time talking to her, I really do think that she is sincere.

What she is saying does fit with similar recons I've read about where the WAS did a 180 and essentially became the LBS. TXHubby's W comes to mind. There was another woman that used to post here years ago, she dumped her H and he begged and pleaded and eventually gave up and moved on and found someone else, and THAT was when she had her awakening. She begged and pleaded with him to take her back but he had a new life and was no longer interested, so she ended up here seeking advice. I read her posts with great interest back then because she was truly a full-blown WAS that did a 180 to become a LBS and she had some great insight into how that transition happened. Sandi's road back was a long and slow one, but sometimes it's like a switch is flipped. That was the way it was with that woman (wish I could remember her name). She was talking to her grandmother who was on her deathbed and her grandmother told her she was being stupid and needed to go get her H back, and suddenly she saw the light. One more example, the friend I mention sometimes whose W left him and moved in with OM and went silent for 2 years, then suddenly sought him out and started chatting, then dating, then went all-in again. The point I'm making is while her turnaround may seem unbelievable and maybe questionable, there are in fact plenty of examples of it happening.

Every day she tells me that if I need more time, or if this doesn't work for me right now, that she will wait until I'm ready. She tells me that she loves me often and doesn't expect me to say it back to her. I am being cautious. I told her that she is going to have to do a lot of work to get our relationship back on track.

I know you need the trust back and I completely support your being cautious. But, this may not take as much work as you think. The friend I mentioned above, when his W came back after 2 years they fell right back into a serious R with no counseling or anything really. It's been several years now and they are still doing fantastic. Sometimes the whole WAS thing is a phase they go through and once they come out of it they scarcely believe they behaved the way they did. Things may very well return quickly to normal if that's what you decide you want. But of course you should keep your changes and never let the R (or M) go on autopilot again.

[Joe2017]

AS:
That was an interesting post. My ex initially called me only to apologize. She wanted me to know that SHE knew the D was her fault and not mine. Apparently, hearing my voice during the phone call made her want to reconcile? That's what she told me. Ever since that call she has been doing everything she can to get me to trust her again. I am almost suspicious!!! But the truth is, I don't have anything for her except for me. I haven't offered anything more than the chance that my son and I will become part of her life again. I sure as heck have not rolled out any red carpet or showered her with attention. If anything, I'm making it harder than it could be.

Maika:
I have been thinking about the counseling thing. I almost feel like it would help me deal with resentment issues just as much as it would help her dealing with her guilt.

[SoTorn]

I wish my WW would see some sort of light. I know that my WW feels shameful and guilty about what she did/is doing. WW keeps talking to OM. WW saw the consequences in her children being extremely upset with her. WW used to drink a lot and stopped drinking. I know that is something that helped her ease into her situation. WW would go out constantly at work and OM was always with her and they would drink like crazy. WW stopped drinking for some reason which I don't know but I am glad she has stopped.