The bomb woke me up, but she won't talk

[Phoenix9]

The key to DBing is to 1) prepare yourself no matter what the future holds 2) remove all pursuit and pressure from the WAS to try to coax them to get curious about why that went away and come looking 3) to not remind them of what they have stated they want or how they feel

1 is what GAL, detachment, and 180s are all about. 2 is as I described. But 3 is a really big key. This is why saying "I love you" is something LBSs shouldn't say. Because it reminds the WAS that they DON'T love you. At least that is not how they feel at the moment. When you take away pursuit and pressure it allows the WAS room to breathe and to even potentially forget that they've already decreed that they are leaving.
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Quoted for truth and reinforcement of what I need to do.

[lusa]

Just journaling, in case it can help other members in a similar sitch.
I've been back home a week now, enjoying less financial pressure, more time with the kids and the occasional times with W. I am still sleeping on the couch as I've chosen not to die on the MBR hill.

Friday night afer playing with the kids I went out GAL, W wasn't happy about it and said she should be going out intead as she had been stuck in the house for too long. I explained I am always happy to stay with the kids anytime she wants to go. She moaned on the phone to her friends about me "treating the place like a hotel" etc, which is so untrue.

As we went through Saturday she worked herself up even more and then in the evening the inevitable spewing happened again. She blatantly started verbally attacking me in front of the kids, which is out of character for her. I really don't like them being witness to it and it shocked them. S14 called her out on it straight away so she eventually got me in a room alone, and the following conversation ensued through her clenched teeth.

H Stop attacking me
W This is what happened before
H What
W That the kids were unhappy
H Because of you
W Because I am stressed out because you are here, this is how I feel when you are here. This is why we can't be together. I don't want to have another argument with you in my life.
H Well stop arguing then
W I was done with it, I don't want this
H Well stop it then
W So are you going to go?
H No
W Your not going to leave this house?
H No
W Not ever?
H I don't yet know, I do know I've just spent 10k renting over the last 6 months and I was lied to by you.
W I can't live like this, don't you understand its affecting the kids all the time
H You are affecting the kids, you need to control your anger, its horrible for it to come out in-front of them and its aggressive.
W This isn't working
H What isn't?
W This isn't working you being here
H You need to control yourself, look what your doing to everyone
W I need you to go, I need you to find somewhere to live, we are not going through what we went through at Christmas, we've all had enough.
H No we're not. You've had an affair
W I have not had an affair
H Yes you have had an affair (a bit louder)
W You know what, I am going to call your mom (to act the victim and ask her to appeal to me to leave for the kids sake) Then she left the room, and retired to the MBR to cry and call her friends.

Next morning, she's upbeat, we had a nice family trip out, do some house jobs together, eat nice meals together, she ran me a bath, just pleasant interaction all day. The day ended in her choosing to join me on the couch with the kids to watch a late movie together. It's like she was a completely different person to the night before. This has continued into today, my recent detachment has really protected me emotionally regardless of how she chooses to treat me. S14 has continued to bring the incident up and forced her to apologize to both of us, she has done this and said it was out of character for her, and that she is only human, I haven't made a big deal of it at all.

Thanks to the kind posters quoted below, I was prepared for this spewing and didn't lose my cool under the aggressive pressure.

If you find out it's legal, then just sit down with her and tell her you are moving back in and when. Expect her to throw a tantrum, just tell her it's not a negotiation, you are just letting her know.

If you intend to march back into the house, claim the MBR, and expect her to be transparent.......I think you will be faced with great opposition. With that said, I want you to understand that I am not opposed to the idea of a man going back to his house and rightfully claiming what is his. I am just saying that if his WW is not ready for him to return, he is in for a battle of wills.

Based on the stories I can recall where the H reclaimed his position in the home, the WW did not go down without a fight. You see, when the H agrees to leave the home at his WW's request, I believe she thinks that is the biggest step in her plan to gain freedom (getting the H out of the home). It is especially nice for her when the H is so willing to run her errands, do odd jobs around the house, chauffeur the kids, and then go back to his designated place at the end of the day. That is a lot of yummy cake for a WW! She sees herself holding the reigns of power in this relationship. If she decides to D, she already has the H out of the house, so the next step is just signing paperwork. If her affair doesn't gain speed, then she can keep the H at arms length, and still get served cake. She has the benefits from being legally M, and gets the affair partner on the side. So, if the H moves back home without her agreement, it really upsets her playhouse.

The recent spewing is very likely a form of testing behavior on her part, and likely not even a conscious thing. She was almost certainly at a subconscious level expecting you to exhibit "more of the same" behavior - you being a pitiful, angry mess in response to the spew. You didn't respond that way. You did exactly the right thing in response. She will likely do this sort of thing again more than once.

[hongaku]

Good job, lusa. Keep it up.

Consistency and patience. Keep working on yourself and being the best you. Don't let her catch you off guard and suck you into a fight - she will probably try again. If you keep being consistent, with any luck you will start to notice less frequency and intensity with it. Good luck. I really wish I was where you were at. I'm meeting with lawyer next week for a free 30 minute consultation and I'm going to specifically ask what my rights are with regard to my moving back in. I think you've done exactly the right thing and the work you've put in on yourself since you've been out is going to pay off one way or another.

[hongaku]

Hey lusa, how are things going?

[lusa]

Nothing has changed Hong, so not really anything to post.
As Steve said "Limbo is the gift of time".

The spewing seems to have stopped for now, although if either of the kids are upset for any reason she makes vague references to it being my fault that they are are confused as "I've moved back in without anything changing between us", I just ignore it.

I'm not particularly happy with the dynamic, especially sleeping on the couch, but I don't expect anything to change soon. Just working on being the best man I can be for me and the kids. I do seem to be doing much better at detaching, I think it has become even more important during this in-house seperation.

As you are aware I had to move back for financial reasons, I don't think it was necessarily the best thing for my chances of R. It's definitely impossible for her to miss me when I am there all the time and I am still allowing her to cake-eat.

My desperation to R has slowly changed over-time into an acceptance of what will be, which is a relief. It's enough to be working on being the best I can be and remembering that I can't control others.

I wish I could help advise you or post on others threads, but I still feel I am not wise enough to do that yet.

[lusa]

Nothing has really changed in my sitch, except we have been out as a family a lot more recently and been getting on a lot better. Things are much calmer and W seems much more relaxed around me. I have had chance to validate a lot more too, mainly about situations that have occurred with her friends and her work which she likes to tell me about.

I feel I am detaching more, I'm now glad there hasn't been any R talk and know I am certainly not as keen to R as I was while I was out of the house. Now I am back home, seeing my kids more and less financial pressure I'm not sure if I really want to R with this woman anymore. I have started to come out of the LBS fog and realise the MR problems were 50/50 and we have both blamed me far too much, she has also broken my trust and been instrumental in putting us through nearly a decade of SSM with very little intimacy. I deserve to be with a woman who wants me for who I am and that will stay faithful to me.

I read this today that Steve posted on Terapin's thread and it really resonated with me. I think if right now she asked for R I wouldn't be that interested in R with her but would just be happy that I was the one deciding that instead of her.

This brings up another dynamic I've seen. Where the LBS is less interested in actual R and piecing as much as they are just trying to prove the can get her back! This is danger zone time. I've seen this with other posters, even some that have gone beyong the point of no return, where they insist they aren't even interested in ever getting back together with their WAS, but their actions and words belie them. You can tell they want validation of an apology, or to see some remorse, or even for the WAS to want to come back, (or at least say they do). Again this is a cheeseless tunnel. It will continue to trip you up emotionally and it will cause you to do and say things that are detrimental to your sitch, to yourself, and to future coparenting if you never get back together.

[SteveLW]

and I am still allowing her to cake-eat.

SO do a 180 on that.

I think if right now she asked for R I wouldn't be that interested in R with her but would just be happy that I was the one deciding that instead of her.

Has anyone filed for D? If you are not interested in Ring then you can BE the one to decide that by filing for D. (another 180)

[lusa]

Thanks Steve, that's certainly food for thought. I read your comments on peoples sitches every day and have learnt such a lot from you.

[lusa]

It's been a while - so I thought I should update my thread.

I've been back home 9 weeks now:
I'm still sleeping on the couch
I'm still DBing to the best of my ability
I haven't backslid on my 180's, mainly involving getting angry with her or the kids.
There has been no R talk, pursuit or pressure
There have been no arguments, good interactions with humour and lots of validating from me.

I have noticed what I think are movements towards R

W has asked to help with my budgeting, stating we will be debt free in 12 months.

W has been showing me new family houses she has been looking at that we could potentially move to, I don't get excited about this anymore - it's funny because I'd have given anything for her to bring something like this up 6 months ago.

W has been making me packed lunches to take to work every day.

I am definitely becoming more detached and having hardly any expectations has resulted in me rarely being disappointed or frustrated. I don't know what the future holds or what I want anymore. I've learnt I would be able to forgive her properly, but don't know if it's possible to rebuild my trust in her to the extent I'd need to. I have been reading Sandi's WW threads a lot as I want to ensure I don't make any of the classic mistakes of taking her back too easily if the situation arises.

[SteveLW]

lusa, good to hear from you!

Interesting update.

I remember, (and this is documented in my threads) that after it was obvious we were Ring and piecing that I suddenly had a desire to walk away myself and file for D. It was a strange feeling. For months I had been insistent that R and saving my marriage is what I wanted, but when it looked like we were headed that way I had the urge to split up.

I think LBS sometimes are so reactionary that they don't stop to ask what it is they want. It is like sandi says, we have this image of our perfect spouse and in the midst or our sitch don't stop to think about how miserable we might have been and that maybe we want out.

However, what won me over was my W's own 180s. And this is important. We have to own our marital garbage, but so does the WAS. So make sure if you have boundaries that she is aware of those. that there is work she needs to do, conditions she needs to agree to in order for you to agree to R.

ANd for goodness sake please take your bed back!