Whirlwind of hurt 2

[sandi2]

I do feel strongly that she is in love with the fantasy of being free of me and her marital life and being in her own place.

You know how some teenagers (who have never had to hold down a job and pay bills) think they can just quit school and get an apartment and have a fine car.....and everything else? That's kind of what you have in a lot of WW's. I think it's worse if it's a W who has never had the responsibility of financially supporting the family. Speaking from my experience, I always had to work hard while raising my family. Compared to what I've read regarding a lot of WW's, I think I stayed fairly realistic about my finances when I was going through my wayward time.

I won't say all waywardness comes at the hand of being spoiled or pampered, b/c that's not completely true. And by "spoiled" and "pampered", I don't mean it's always in the financial sense, b/c it's not. I think it would be interesting to study the subject of spoiled/pampered WW's vs the others...... but that's probably just me. Having been pampered, seems to add to the WW's sense of entitlement. I think all WW's have a certain amount of it, but those spoiled b'tches are the worst.

[Twofeet]

TF,
The way the world is setup now the odds were so stacked against you to go the distance when you got together at 17& 15. I'm pretty sure this would have been the outcome no matter what you did or didn't do.

LH19 could you expand on this statement? I am interested in your perspective.

Not sure it matters, but maybe it does. Some additional info. Both of us come from the same religious backgrounds. She is the oldest child and was a typical strict religious girl like it sounds like many of these WW & WAW are. We saved ourselves till marriage. We moved out of our family homes and into an apartment together after marriage. Our wedding was a very traditional religious wedding. All this was done after we graduated from college. Very traditional compared to what's typically done today.

[EZdozit]

I do believe a big reason for my WAW leaving me is that she has never really been independent at any point in her life. She was brought up fairly spoiled, and I always gave in to everything she ever wanted.

Interesting thought...

[Twofeet]

I do believe a big reason for my WAW leaving me is that she has never really been independent at any point in her life. She was brought up fairly spoiled, and I always gave in to everything she ever wanted.

Interesting thought...

EZdozit, that is similar to my W. While she grew up in a strict religious setting, her parents where very high up in the career world and she really never has had to go without. A bit spoiled you could say, even as an adult. We have had a lot of help from her family even when it was unwanted or unneeded. She is independent, but never had to be independent if that makes sense. She would often complain to me that her parents should help out more. I also pretty much gave in even if I dragged my feet at times. Sometimes this just feels like her throwing the ultimate or last big fit to get what she wants. I know when I told my folks she wanted a D my father mentioned her being spoiled and something similar to throwing a fit. Once again you just can never know unless the WAW/WW tells you.

[Again18]

TF no doubt your wife is probably in a state of relief right now. She's made the decision to divorce you, you two are moving forward with that plan and she probably right now feels she has to go through with this course of action. But not all hope is lost with the big D. Once she is on her own she will no doubt see the grass is not greener on the other side of that fence she's been sitting on for a while now. While you are feeling a sense of loss and she is feeling a sense of relief the balance of power is no doubt on her side. As long as she will feel that you will take her back at the drop of a hat she will wield that power as she sees fit. So while she is exploring her options for a future, possible with this other person, she no doubts is still looking at you as her backup plan. Don't be her backup plan, back out and let her be. Only talk to her about the important stuff, kids, and finances. Other than that don't tell her what you are doing, don't ask her what she is doing, don't text her call her or email and don't answer her correspondence unless it's about the kids or finances. You have to change her mindset from you being a backup to you being the starter the guy she wants. This will eventually make her question her decision. This might take a while but she will get into an argument with the OM and she will call or text you and ask you how you are doing. Your response to such inquiries should not come right away and when you do answer "doing great thank you for asking" and that's it. After a while, her mood will go from relief to what did I do? Why did I break up my family? She will start to feel a sense of loss and that is when the power will start to start to shift your way. Meanwhile, you work on yourself being a better you. If she asks if you want to meet, meet for coffee, not lunch not dinner but a simple cup of coffee and be ready to make is short but sweet, make her think you have more important things to attend to, leave her wanting more. Maybe when she has dropped the other person and she starts to be more engaging you can take her to dinner and start the slow but steady road to reconciliation.

[Twofeet]

Again 18,

Thanks for the info. Fortunately, I am already 2 steps ahead of you. I don't call her, only initiate text that involve kids, which is rare. Never answer her calls and return calls on my on time. Only respond to texts that involve kids, finance, household. When I do I keep it to very short statements or yes, no, ok. I don't initiate any convo, but let her carry convo to which I listen, validate, ask questions. I answer her questions, but keep it at the surface level. I can carry convo when needed, but shut it down and don't linger.
She only knows my GAL when kids are involved otherwise I don't share. Basically, I have been DB hard while she is still in the home and I will be able to take the DB to another level once she is gone. Basically even though she is in the house I am trying my hardest to get across to I'm not a plan B.
She has her mind dead set on D as far as I can tell, and I am going through the mediation route for damage control. Not that I want to do it, but I have my kids to worry about.

And yes she is in a state of relief because she is getting what she wants as always.....

[burned]

Again18, that was really helpful to hear, as someone who is just a couple of steps behind Twofeet. Hope it ends up being true for both of us.

[Twofeet]

I do feel strongly that she is in love with the fantasy of being free of me and her marital life and being in her own place.

You know how some teenagers (who have never had to hold down a job and pay bills) think they can just quit school and get an apartment and have a fine car.....and everything else? That's kind of what you have in a lot of WW's. I think it's worse if it's a W who has never had the responsibility of financially supporting the family. Speaking from my experience, I always had to work hard while raising my family. Compared to what I've read regarding a lot of WW's, I think I stayed fairly realistic about my finances when I was going through my wayward time.

I won't say all waywardness comes at the hand of being spoiled or pampered, b/c that's not completely true. And by "spoiled" and "pampered", I don't mean it's always in the financial sense, b/c it's not. I think it would be interesting to study the subject of spoiled/pampered WW's vs the others...... but that's probably just me. Having been pampered, seems to add to the WW's sense of entitlement. I think all WW's have a certain amount of it, but those spoiled b'tches are the worst.

My W has always worked and has always made more money than me so she bared that financial responsibility. However, her sense of financial management from a family standpoint has severely lacked. I had to manage the finances because she couldn't. She doesn't stick to budgets and at times spends it faster than we have earned it. A common complaint is that the two of us make good money why don't we have any money in the bank. Then I have to show her the budget sheet and how we broke it over and over. We have had this convo so many times silly.

I think her issue is that she has come from a lifestyle from her family where it's always new cars, new homes, nice vacations, etc., etc. Pampered definitely. Spoiled maybe, the attitude sometimes reflects being spoiled. She spoils the hell out of our kids and I have always been the one to temper her. We have had huge fights in the past where she would come home with shopping bags full of kids toys and things that were unneeded.

She, like me, is also very stubborn/hard headed. I sometimes think that if she changed her mind about D she would still go through with it because of how stubborn she can be.

[LH19]

TF,

To expand on it more, what I mean is nowadays woman can provide for themselves, divorce is not taboo, cellphones to carry on EAs, ridiculous shows like the bachelor shows glorifying divorce, movies like Bad Moms, online dating etc.

My point is you could have been the perfect husband and these outside influences would likely at some point influence your W due to the longevity of your R and her lack of experiences.

With my children I will steer them in the direction of becoming independent young focus on their career date for a really long time so they don't feel like they are missed anything when they are middle aged.

[Twofeet]

Well yesterday was fun GAL with kids and watching cfb with family. Wife came home pretty late last night, but was pretty eager to come sit by my bed and tell me all about it. It woke me up and the oldest D who was scared so she slept in my bed. I just actively listened so she knew I was engaged.

I took oldest D to church. W was friendly before I left. D8 was causing me to run late so I was rushing, and W was trying to fix her hair. My interaction was a little blunt so she took offense. I apologized, put my hand on her shoulder (why the hell did put my hand on her???), and explained that I was in rush and didn't mean to offend. She accepted the apology.

The oldest D and I sat next to MIL in church. Church reading and sermon was about divorce and not getting divorced for selfish reasons and for the pursuit of individual happiness and to hell with everything and everyone else. Basically described my W to a T. It hurt to hear and I was a bit emotional. After church wife was looking up houses and waiting for her mom to come by to go look at houses. (After church MIL went to visit GMIL) W price range has went back up to pretty expensive, for a day there she was looking at affordable. Oh well hopefully she makes a smart choice. We started folding some laundry and she started talking about how this is going to be hard on the kids. I agree with her and say it's going to be hard on them and us. She says it's good she has been getting away and spending less time with them. I ask her what do you mean. She says she is regretting some of her decisions. I say okay can you explain? She says no not really. She then goes on to say how the kids are used to having her around 100% of the time (thats a bit of an embellishment), but I could be gone and come back. I told her I always encouraged her to solo GAL. She said no that's not it, I don't want to talk about it. I said ok I understand, if you feel like you want to talk, I will listen otherwise I will just need to keep going about my business.

I guess that's the nicest way at the time to basically say if you want to talk then talk otherwise don't waste my time. I guess this is a 180 since I am usually more harsh.

Right before her mom came she wanted to talk church. Asked why I went to X church when Y church was closer. I said I like X church it's a good one. Priest has good sermons. She says it's so far away. I say why does your mom go to X church? Why does my folks go to Z church if they are far from their house? She says I don't know. She said she is dropping the Catholic faith due to the whole way they handled molestation allegations. She says she found a non-denominational church she want to attend. I say well I agree it wasn't handled well, however all Faith's deal with terrible stuff like this you just don't always hear about, Catholics have a big target. She says just don't let the kids be altar servers. I just say, look if you find a church you like and you want me to take the kids to it then I can do that. I don't care about what church as much as just going to church, I turned my back to God for too long and church is better than no church.

Not really sure that convo was something I needed to share with this board, but I did. I need to be more open especially emotionally to others and myself. I feel that what I post helps with that process.