Whirlwind of hurt 2

[Ready2Change]

Do you still love her?

After D was finalized, I fell in love with someone else. I have been in an amazing committed relationship for the past 8 years. I keep hoping X will find happiness.


I did my best to bust the D.

[Twofeet]

Do you still love her?

After D was finalized, I fell in love with someone else. I have been in an amazing committed relationship for the past 8 years. I keep hoping X will find happiness.


I did my best to bust the D.

I am really glad to hear you found new love and a new R.

Let me rephrase my question. Do you still have love for her.

[Twofeet]

Well last night we went as a family to do some kids errands. It was nice that we were able to do this as a whole family. Down the road we will still do certain things as a family (birth days, kids rec, etc), but it will be few and far between. The W has been friendly and somewhat talkative. I think I do an decent job at making her feel comfortable, and I can carry a conversation as long as I need to and catch the cues when to shut it down. She has her walls up the whole time though. You can see when she forcefully shuts down. Its as if her brain is telling you whoa you are enjoying talking to him stop, get distant, create space. Oh well, nothing I can do about that. I know I have made inroads from BD as she says hellos and goodbyes on her on volition and really thanks me for things such as when I make dinner, she sometimes even starts non-kid conversations although the all are on the surface level. I don't have my hopes up for anything, but at least some progress has been made towards being amicable, maybe even friendly.

2 points I need to share.
Last night she said she was going out with gal pal on Sat for dinner. I said "Again?" I didn't mean to let that slip out. I am not sure I should show too much interest in her GAL choices. Anyways she said yeah again, gal pal (old coworker from out of state but new to our area) needs to get some friends here. I can't always be her hang out buddy. I have things I want to do and not be tied to hanging out with her all the time. ( I take it at face value, but who knows if she is telling the truth about any of this. Believe nothing they say, and 50% of what they do.)
I say well I am sure you will have a good time, me and the kids might go watch some cfb or figure something fun to do while you are out.

This morning she talked about all this paperwork we need to do for mediation tomorrow. She hasn't done anything other than the talk about some of the stuff we want to split up and draw up a partial list. She starts assigning me tasks. Somethings I obviously have to handle ie my retirement statements. She tells me I need to pull up bank statements. Pay off some debt we agreed to eliminate, etc. I tell her you know, you can easily take care of this you don't need me to do it. I leave it at that, but I am thinking I should have just told her to just do it herself. She acts or thinks like tomorrow is going to be a one and done. I think its possibly going to get extended and then she is going to blame this garbage on me, because she is not prepared.

Anyway I am not going to work tomorrow because mediation is going to $uck and I will probably want some time to process this alone without any moods affecting anyone at work. Just glad I have IC after.

[Twofeet]

So wife came home and took the oldest D to her rec activity. On the drive there she called me up to push paperwork on me. I told her you can take care of x,y,z. She wants me to get started on marital list. I told her the splitting of stuff is unresolved. We have to figure it all out. She said I don't care if it takes till midnight we are easy and I want this one and done tomorrow. I told her I don't know if it's going to be only one session. She said for her mental health it has to be one session, she isn't sure she can make it an additional month in the house with me, if it does she has to figure things out.
Her tone and attitude $ucked so it took a lot of willpower, but I stayed calm. I told her just do what you need to do. I said I can't work on our mediation lists until she gets home because I am busy feeding and bathing the other 2 kids.

Well so much for the niceness over the past few days. She just has to get the hell away from me like I am a disease. I hope she never turns on the kids like this down the road. I am a little angry, but I will get over it.
I need to open her cage and let that wild animal out.

[Ready2Change]

Hey there,

Read this thread when you have a chance:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=47467&Number=2057224#Post2057224

"Her tone and attitude $ucked so it took a lot of willpower, but I stayed calm. "
Perfect! Just listen and validate.

[Twofeet]

Well I think we have 90% of things in order for tomorrow. 10% is still a big IF. I had to get real firm with her a few times in the beginning because of the disrespect she started showing me as well. I calmly told her is she continued to disrespect me or insult me I would walk away. She said we have the mediator tomorrow we have to finish tonight. I told her I want to work on this with her, but if she doesn't stop then we can't complete this and we will have to find another way to resolve our issues. She figured it out real fast that I wasn't putting up with any B.S. and calmed down.
She doesn't want to pay child support. She is being very selfish and she thinks the money she will be paying for child support is just going in my pocket for me to spend willy nilly. She said whats the point of her earning her higher paying salary if she is just paying me. She doesn't really understand this isn't alimony. Every dime she would give me would be to feed, clothe, etc the kids.
We also send our kids to private school and I told her I want tuition to be based off of our % of salaries. She didn't like that one as well. She also gets bent out of shape about the 401(k)'s being evened out. She is just so d@mn selfish. She thinks she made her way without any support. Its insane! We did it together.
I validated her concerns as she brought them up. What I wanted to say was divorce isn't supposed to be nice or easy. If you want to be selfish you are going to have to live with the consequences of your actions. This is why you shouldn't divorce and should work out your problems with your spouse. This isn't going to be another time where you get your way or throw a fit until you do. Good thing I just DB and didn't say this stuff.

Tommorow, will be interesting at the mediator. I am going to stand up to her and not rollover but I feel like this is probably going to push us back a few steps in DB.

[Ready2Change]

Good Luck.

[Twofeet]

R2C thanks!

The whole night didn't go badly. After I was firm and no nonsense with her she snapped out of her spiteful mood. Most of the night was very collaborative focusing on the kids well being. I definitely said some things that got through to her that shows I care about the kids and care about her in regards to the kids. She is going to give me the heirlooms to pass onto the kids so that was good. It just fell apart at the end when she started talking child support and the kids tuition. I was internally angry as per my post above. However I stayed outwardly calm and validated the heck out of her feelings and thoughts.

Right now I feel like the lighthouse and her ship is so far out to sea she will never find her way back, like she is a lost cause.

I just feel bad for our kids.

[Twofeet]

Oh and on a final note we agreed that kids can not meet anyone we date for at least 6 months to 1 year. She said we get to meet the other person before the kids do. Great, so if she is with OM 6 months from now I get to break his nose this spring!


Sorry bad joke. The nose breaking part.

[Twofeet]

Well today is mediation day. First big step towards the big D. I am not feeling good about any of this. I feel uneasy and a bit sick in my stomach. My heart is still aching and grieving. In the back of my mind I am hoping for that Hail Mary pass that isn't going to come. I know I will be alright, but it doesn't make me feel better. This morning I have been doing a lot of praying for myself, my wife, my kids, and everyone on these boards. If you feel it in your heart say a prayer for me, please.

I need to stand firm and tall. I need to be the lighthouse.