I told him it was ok and he came and I said I was going to hop in the shower and then she needed to go to bed. And he said ok but was definitely annoyed with me. So when I got out of the shower I was nice to him and tried to get the baby to laugh with him. And then I asked him when he planning on coming next and he asked if I had plans this weekend and I said no but that we should just make a schedule and I could tell he was trying to get out of the discussion and I said “basically we need to discuss times. You could have texted me earlier tonight to let me know you would be so late.”
He said he could have texted a little earlier and told me how he almost got in an accident and then I said when we talked last you said you wanted to see her every night. So then you not showing up last night I didn’t know about. And you were here Friday with her when I went out and then no show Saturday, so I just want to get days and times figured out so we can both have our own lives and also figure out what times work best with her.....
And I asked if that made sense to him and he said yes. He was definitely trying to get out of coming this weekend and then saying he wants her during the day Sunday, and I said “ok so you’re not coming tomorrow night” and he said” no I can come tomorrow.... I’ll Be here by the time you get off work”
I don’t know it’s all very weird. He has an agenda FOR SURE. Without a doubt.
When he left he texted me saying “leaving her s*cks”.
That was good. You showed some strength. Now, that he knows you want a schedule. I'd sit down and write one down on a note pad. When he shows up, be nice and say "I spent some time putting together a schedule for us ". See what he says and then stick to your guns. If he starts making excuses why it won't work for him, you need to be firm with him on the importance of having structure in your D life. Plus let him know that you might have plans once in a while and will need to know if arrangements will need to be made etc. I don't think you will have any problems if you plan it out in your mind. And it's all about your child, not about your R or M. And you definitely rattled his cage when he left. So, now it's time to kick it into gear and dont set yourself back by reaching out by texting etc. Just be silent and watch from a distance. Keep it up.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Lane. Thank you! I saw your response too late oops. He texted me that leaving the baby s*cks. I sat and stared at the phone wondering how I could validate him on that. Before I could figure it out he texted me again and said “I’m glad you don’t have to know how it feels”
So I responded “I can’t imagine, I’m sure it’s not easy” and he responded “it tears me up every time”
Here’s where I may have messed up. But I was trying to come off as strong. I said to him that I’m sorry he’s sad and that one day we will have coparenting all figured out and that him and I will figure out how to do it right.
He responded ya and asked if he could come by in the morning to see the baby. (Odd request, that’s a first) I said yes and can we nail down a time. So he asked if 6:30 works and I said “perfect.” Which I believe was one of Steve’s favorite responses he mentioned.
I hope none of that was too bad. I’m sick of being the sad one. I’m trying to come off as strong, confident and assertive. I hope I’ve accomplished that.
When he shows up, be nice and say "I spent some time putting together a schedule for us ". See what he says and then stick to your guns. If he starts making excuses why it won't work for him, you need to be firm with him on the importance of having structure in your D life.
Personally, I would have him watching D every Friday from 5-12 in your first draft of the schedule.
If he complains about it, you can flip his words and use truth darts.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/07/1809:02 PM. Reason: combine posts
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I think you did alright. I think maybe not feel so sorry for him. I would have been silent. Especially since hes the one that brought this whole thing on to himself. But the rest was good. But definitely get a schedule put together. It will be so helpful. It shows you're being the responsible one. Oh , he will try to bend the rules, but just relax and stand firm. Make sure you're showing change. Part of that is not being so sweet and nice. Oh and if he tries to make the moves on you to be intimate, put that to a screeching halt. No more from here on out. That's more of a man need. Keep your conversation short and to the point. I know you have a baby together, but hes living a double life. Dont be the enabler, it just makes life easier for him. The changes you make wont happen over night. It will take a few weeks to months. But start the mindset now. You know you're a strong woman, a great mom, you know you deserve better than this. I know you love him. But your best chance of anything is to save yourself first. Stay positive. Hes all depressed and can't decide anything. I can remember back in my early days of going to bars all the time. It was fun and depressing all at the same time. You cant find wholesome companion there. As soon as I stopped, it took a while but I finally found my wife. Anyways, back to you. He wont find a wholesome gal there. And if there is one, she wont want a bar fly. Right now, he thinks it's cool and fun, but I see signs of guilt for not seeing his D. So be the stronger person, hes certainly not. Hes not thinking clearly at all. But you need to be a boss and put your foot down from a distance...silently.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Lane. Thank you! I saw your response too late oops. He texted me that leaving the baby s*cks. I sat and stared at the phone wondering how I could validate him on that. Before I could figure it out he texted me again and said “I’m glad you don’t have to know how it feels”
So I responded “I can’t imagine, I’m sure it’s not easy” and he responded “it tears me up every time”
Here’s where I may have messed up. But I was trying to come off as strong. I said to him that I’m sorry he’s sad and that one day we will have coparenting all figured out and that him and I will figure out how to do it right.
He responded ya and asked if he could come by in the morning to see the baby. (Odd request, that’s a first) I said yes and can we nail down a time. So he asked if 6:30 works and I said “perfect.” Which I believe was one of Steve’s favorite responses he mentioned.
I hope none of that was too bad. I’m sick of being the sad one. I’m trying to come off as strong, confident and assertive. I hope I’ve accomplished that.
kech, remember:
Do not respond to informational texts/messages. "leaving her stinks" is informational.......
If he asks a direct question, answer in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions should get a yes or no only.
I know you are going on instincts. "But won't it upset him if I ignore his texts?" Reading them is not ignore them. If he ever says "did you see my text on how it stinks to leave her?" You say "yes".
Also, this too falls into the "believe nothing he says category". If something tore me up every time I WOULD NOT KEEP DOING IT! And I would do whatever was required of me so I didn't have to get tore up! IE, give up OW, recommit to the MR, etc.
Likely he is saying that to tug on your heard strings. And to be frank with you it appears to work. Which means you need to keep working on detachment.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the feedback, I do need to detach. I know I do because he pulls me right back in. Theres been some new developments.
He came over this morning before work, the dog heard the door open, jumped and spilled my coffee all over the brand new white rug I just bought. Normally, this is something I would get so angry about, but I stayed calm. He tried to help clean it up and I said not to worry about it, spend time with the baby, ill handle it.
So I cleaned it and he played with the baby. We had pleasant convo as always and then he said "when I come Sunday to hang out with her, ill mow the yard"..I responded, You dont have to do that. And he said no I will its okay. Then he started talking about how when he builds the shed in the backyard for me hes going to move the dirt to the other side of the yard where we get puddles from rain. I was shocked by this because he hasnt discussed building that shed for me in over 2 months.
He stayed for a while and then left and about 2 minutes after he left I received a text from him. I will put our text convo below:
H: I hope it gets easier W: It will. With time we will all get used to it. H: I tear up everytime W: Shes your baby girl, leaving her seems unimaginable. Its a hard situation, in time we will have it down. H: It s*cks more because of you W: What do you mean? H: The things youve changed just hurt my feelings W: like what? H: Everything H: It all f*cking s*cks W: Its not easy, I think were just both doing the best we can and focusing on the baby H: Im sorry H:For everything H: I should have address the unhappiness I felt a lot differently H: Have a good day W: I appreciate that and i appreciate you being a good dad through all of it. You have a good day too H:Im trying
Now, when he says the thing about the things ive changed hurt his feelings, he has said this to me before. He says it upsets him that it took him being half way out the door before I would change certain things about myself. So I am assuming that is what he means by that comment.
So this is where it gets hard because normally after he says things like that I would start to feel like he is feeling remorse and i would try to talk about R with him. And I know not to do that now. But he came by the house again a little bit ago because something happened with work and he was venting to me about it, and he had on the hat of the OW bar in the other city, that I have repeatedly asked him not to wear in our home.
In the middle of him venting I said to him "H, GET RID OF THE HAT."
He said "Look, Ill throw it away right now. I dont care about it, its just a hat" and i said "I know you dont, but I DO, and thats the point."
He threw it away in the trash and we went on talking about his work situation and things were fine and then he went back to work. I hope I didnt mess up my progress with the hat situation, but I REFUSE to be disrespected like that in our home. Him wearing that hat AT ALL is hurtful because I know she gave it to him.
When he left we were fine and he didnt make it a big thing. He said he will be back later to see the baby.
This is where I have to work hard because part of me thinks hes feeling low and for once hes feeling low about our R and where it is right now. But I know I have to stick to what im doing. He usually feels remorse for a bit and then things go right back to how they were and he reverts right back to this lifestyle hes been living. What to do? How to act? suggestions?
Now, when he says the thing about the things ive changed hurt his feelings, he has said this to me before. He says it upsets him that it took him being half way out the door before I would change certain things about myself. So I am assuming that is what he means by that comment.
Very typical of a WAS. They all say things like this. Usually it is worded more like "Why did it take my wanting a D for you to change? The changes are too late."
This is why you need to be consistent. And over time the WAS begins to trust that the changes are real and lasting.
On the hat, yeah you probably should have ignored it. Likely he wore BECAUSE he knew you would react. This is where 180s come in. 180ing means you ignore the hat. Look, others here deal with disrespect way worse than a bar hat. Plus, maybe he was wearing a shirt you didn't even know she gave him. See? But the overall point is he wore it knowing it would bug you. The fact it did gives him that old "yep, still have her hooked" feeling that is counter to what you want him to feel. You want him to feel you are moving on.
And I will repeat, you are better off NOT responding to his texts unless there is a direct question. Again, when he texts 2 minutes after leaving, and you respond, he gets that same old "still got her" feeling.
Quote
e usually feels remorse for a bit and then things go right back to how they were and he reverts right back to this lifestyle hes been living. What to do? How to act? suggestions?
This is exactly what I am talking about. His sadness. His "this s*cks" texts. Are all to try to get back to what he wants. He wants his cake and eat it too. You took the cake away. He is trying to manipulate you to get it back. Quite being so available. Quit responding to every text. Quit reacting to hats. Stick to your guns with not letting him move back. Keep DBing!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I mentioned the coffee spilling on the rug thing because normally, he knows thats something that would make me so mad. And I was super calm and cleaned it up and handled it just really calmly. So I think its me doing things like that and how I am being towards him that is making him see changes in me.
Steve, thanks for the quick response. So you think what hes doing right now isnt really remorse, its more of him just wanting to feel like he has me on the hook?
i am glad he is feeling some sadness from all of this, because I have felt like only I have been mourning our R, and hes been living it up. But it seems like he is sad as well. no?
Last edited by Cadet; 09/07/1809:03 PM. Reason: combine posts
