Ovrrnbw: there's nothing to be done. If I wanted to help her, she would deny having any issues. That's how this goes.
Steve: we were pretty close when D7 spotted XW. If I hadn't greeted her that would not be DBing. That would be me being an @$$. Stay polite, positive and short. Just as I did. Imagine if I saw her unexpected somewhere. Your advice would mean that I turn my head away and pretend I don't notice her. Is that a good thing?
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
And Steve. The point of 180's is not about turning into a cold-hearted SOB. It's about doing things in a different way that you did before, the ones that didn't work so good. Would she be interested in a man, the father of her kids, if I was to ignore her totally when I pump into her. Pretending she doesn't exist. In front of our daughter? I don't think so. That would only make me look like a total SOB. I merely greeted her and that was it. I didn't have any convo with her, I didn't pursue or plead. If saying Hi is pursuing or pleading then I messed things up. Wipe the dust and move on.
Sorry for venting.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
And Steve. The point of 180's is not about turning into a cold-hearted SOB. It's about doing things in a different way that you did before, the ones that didn't work so good. Would she be interested in a man, the father of her kids, if I was to ignore her totally when I pump into her. Pretending she doesn't exist. In front of our daughter? I don't think so. That would only make me look like a total SOB. I merely greeted her and that was it. I didn't have any convo with her, I didn't pursue or plead. If saying Hi is pursuing or pleading then I messed things up. Wipe the dust and move on.
Sorry for venting.
I never said to be cold-hearted. But YOU are the lighthouse. You don't go to her, you stay shining your light and let her come to you! No one said ignore her. You are putting words into my mouth.
Petri, we've seen this before. The LBS does "sutbtle" pursuit and pressure in the guise of "not wanting to ignore" the WAS. All pursuit and pressure is bad. D wants to run up to W to say hi, let her. There would have been nothing cold-hearted about you staying back. You wouldn't be IGNORING her. You would be the lighthouse standing in place letting her come to you.
Look you can do what comes "naturally" and push her farther away. Or you can do that which feels unnatural, and DBing often feels that way, and increase your chances that she'll come back.
So I never said "be cold-hearted, ignore her, pretend she doesn't exist". But you don't have to approach her either. And no you didn't mess things up by following D to say hi. My point wasn't that you messed up, only that I think you would have made a pretty strong statement by hanging back and letting D approach her alone.
Look Petri, we give advice and different perspectives on this board. You can choose to ignore it or you can choose to heed it. Completely up to you. But please do not accuse me of saying things I never said.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One last thing on this topic. Read other people's sitches. Read mine. It wasn't until I stopped all pursuit, and started to truly detach that my W took steps TOWARDS me. I wasn't unkind, mean, or cold-hearted about it. She she asked a question, I answered it. But I made an effort to not START conversations.
It is similar to the ILY issue. Saying ILY to a WAS is a bad idea. Mainly because the WAS isn't feeling it and the LBS saying it reminds them that they aren't feeling it. However, there is nothing wrong with SAYING IT BACK. See the difference? One is pursuit and pressure. The other is answering it in kind. All newbies should experiment with this because it will blow your mind. If a LBS is in the habit of saying ILY, they usually get a terse "love you too" without any feeling. Or ignored completely.
Now if the LBS stops saying ILY, the WAS will take notice. At first they might be relieved at the lack of pressure. But eventually they start to wonder what is going on. They feel the loss of control over the LBS. Then they start to wonder, "hmmm, will the LBS say it back if I say it first?". Then an amazing thing happens. A few days, or weeks, after the LBS stops saying it, one day out of the blue the WAS says "ILY". I saw this in my own sitch. Sometimes it is the start of the WAS coming back around. Sometimes it is just them temp checking. But it is all part of the distance-pursuit dynamic. Petri if you haven't read the pursuit-distance thread, or if its been a while, I would suggest you revisit it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey guys, I think this is a love based forum. We are all here to give and get a hand in our sitches. We share feelings and advices wishing for the best outcome. Donīt let a little misunderstanding cloud the vision of our journey.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hey guys, I think this is a love based forum. We are all here to give and get a hand in our sitches. We share feelings and advices wishing for the best outcome. Donīt let a little misunderstanding cloud the vision of our journey.
Agreed. Just that petri took my advice on potentially not approaching his W on the beach the other day as me saying he should be "cold-hearted" and "ignore her" and "pretend like she doesn't exist". And I wanted it to be clear that I never said any of that. And that not approaching his W with his D was not analogous to those things.
I wasn't upset at all. Like I said, I give advice but no one is obligated to adhere to it. And in this case it wasn't even advice as much as it was just something to think about in hindsight.
Though I do find it curious that they happened to be at the beach at the same time as his W. Seems like an awfully big coincidence,
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve. I do apologize if I put words in your mouth. But it sounded to me like I said. But point taken. For your last part of last comment: how on earth was I suppose to know she would be there? I don't see anything she posts on any social media for example b/c I'm not on any. That was the last place I would ever think of bumbing into her. We've going there almost daily when I'm with the kids and I've never seen her there before. Big coincidence? Yes. This is the second time that I've met her unexpected in a year.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
Steve. I do apologize if I put words in your mouth. But it sounded to me like I said. But point taken. For your last part of last comment: how on earth was I suppose to know she would be there? I don't see anything she posts on any social media for example b/c I'm not on any. That was the last place I would ever think of bumbing into her. We've going there almost daily when I'm with the kids and I've never seen her there before. Big coincidence? Yes. This is the second time that I've met her unexpected in a year.
Fair enough. It is the case that sometimes the LBS will go to a place they know they are likely to "bump" into the WAS. Glad to hear this wasn't the case.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ovrrnbw: there's nothing to be done. If I wanted to help her, she would deny having any issues. That's how this goes.
Steve: we were pretty close when D7 spotted XW. If I hadn't greeted her that would not be DBing. That would be me being an @$$. Stay polite, positive and short. Just as I did. Imagine if I saw her unexpected somewhere. Your advice would mean that I turn my head away and pretend I don't notice her. Is that a good thing?
That's what I figured, and my thought was to just let it go then. You can't do anything there.
It stinks but it's true.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It is the case that sometimes the LBS will go to a place they know they are likely to "bump" into the WAS. Glad to hear this wasn't the case.