B - I am really sorry and I can relate to what you are feeling. I came to terms with my EW leaving but it will take me a very long time to come to terms to what she did to our girls. Accepting that has been the hardest part for me. I will move on, find love again but my girls will only have pictures to remember their mommy and daddy together.
With that said I do believe god has a plan for us and while I may not know what it is I do have faith that he has thrown me this curveball for a reason. I just know that I will not waste this opportunity. I will continue to work on myself, try to be the best father and partner I can be, I feel that I have a better grasp on R's than I ever did before, and I hope to take my experiences and growth to my next R and it will blow what my EW and I had out of the water.
Keep moving forward B, try not to look in the rearview mirror. Most people on the board equate success with the S returning to the MR. For the longest time that is all I ever wanted. I DB'd my ass off however in the end she didn't return, she never moved closer. Does that mean I am a failure? Just remember that the S returning to the MR is not the ultimate sign of success, I know it's hard to see but it's the truth.
Well I had a convo with W by text today. Up front it was pursuit I'm sure, but since I'm destined for D anyway I accepted knowingly what I was doing. Now I didn't ask to meet, date (lol) or anything like that. W BD'd me pretty much like a bee stinging you more than once, truth is nothing she could say bothered me. Wasn't like I hadn't heard it all before. Ain't got no love, can't come back, been gone forever, yada, yada, yada. Funny part is how I found out my not shaving my beard close everyday apparently contributed to the ending of my marriage. I take it as a measure of my detachment progress how little her words impacted me.
W is fast tracking the D. She has a negative personality, no friends and is a quitter. She has run away from our M and will D me without so much as any real conversation as to why. She is unable to truly discuss that. I highly doubt with any man she will be able to do so. I love her BUT those are the realities of my sitch. I am alone but I am not lonely. It is tragic that from what I have learned of myself and relationships that she will not be able to benefit from them, BUT that is HER CHOICE. This entire dissolution of our M is HER choice. Some other lady (if I EVER decide to trust another woman) will be the beneficiary of my W's unwillingness. God's will I guess.
There is still time before she can file. She has now many words of how I feel about us that can marinate in her head OR as more likely, completely disregard/avoid/compartmentalize. I am going to be fine, need to sort out a place to live and put this MR to bed. It was NEVER my choice, sadly life is not fair I guess. My IC tells me that I have progressed a great deal since W left, whereas IC believes W is still deflecting/projecting and running away. I take some solace in that I guess.
Ring is off as is all other jewelry from W which I wore with such pride. They were the physical manifestations of the love, happiness and pride that I had for the forever W and MR that I thought I had finally found. Apparently the 3rd time is the charm.
My prayers to all of you who are suffering. As always to those who have provided comments/support to me in my sitch, I can't thank you enough.
Ballast, don't give up. Why come this far just to quit now?
Get your head back in the game, you just said you love her.
I see marriage differently, as a Catholic institution, and don't agree with American culture on marriage. What good is making a vow if you can't keep it when it's hard? Anyone can be there for the good times. A man (or woman) of his word keeps his word, no matter the cost. If she divorces you, that's on her. And you are all the stronger for enduring.
If you give up when it's hard, you'd be doing the same thing you're mad at you wife for. Don't do this. Find your strength and get back on the horse. Do it for yourself, your wife, your family, God, and everything you believe in.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovrrnbw...so to be clear I have not and will not give up. I will always be praying and hopeful that somehow yet my W may have interest in giving a new MR a chance with me. I do have to be realistic though which is right now she is full speed towards D.
Our conversation from my last post was civil. It had been a very long time since we had spoken on our R. W admitted she had faults in the R and I did too, but she felt we got to being roommates and she said she can't go back. It's my belief that many parents of young children find themselves in the early years so defined, but together can turn it around. We simply put no real effort into our R after our D was born during day to day life, BUT we had taken several trips and always had a great time together as we did pre-baby.
It is heartbreaking to hear W say she knows that we both have grown/learned during our time apart yet when I asked her should we not then give it a shot to see if our changes could save us, she says she's can't. And let's be clear my not shaving my beard closely everyday was NOT the reason she left. I am sure the roommate feeling which came from us not truly telling each other what we needed in our MR is the root cause AND there may be an OM involved as well. As I found elsewhere on this site: the lack of true communication is what caused this, your inability to communicate your real needs to your spouse.
I really do appreciate your support! I do love her, but it takes both to save us and at least as of now she is "saying" no to that idea. As I say there is time yet and I will continue to pray/be hopeful while at the same time working very hard on improving myself and being the best Dad I can be for my D. Any and all comments are welcome/appreciated.
Thank you again ovrrnbw for the pep talk it means a great deal to me during a very tough time in my life.
B- My W told me I got too grey and that is why she wanted out. They are just excuses and it is likely she does not even know the reason why she feels the way she does. Most everyone here does some sort of temp check early on. I did mine around the 1.5 mth mark and I remember M doing the same. D is likely so come to terms with it ASAP but keep moving forward and do things for yourself. Go back to dbing and turn yourself into an ass kicking machine!
Joseph, yes I will continue to prepare assuming D will happen. I take solace in that this was her decision. I have tried to improve myself since we split by accepting things I could have done better and ways I can improve. It is terribly sad that she says she has done the same things, but instead of us trying to use that new knowledge for R, she just wants to throw it all away. My IC does not believe she really has grown since S though. Anyway this decision is her's alone. I have done and will always do what I can to save us. I do not know how with us having a young D, W can simply walk away and do nothing, but as of today that is what she is going to do.
B mine did the same thing and I have 2 young daughters. I highly doubt she has done any self reflection or has took a look at her part in the R and what she could have changed. My Ew told a family friend that she knows I will find someone that will treat me better than she did. I thought to myself if you treated me bad why did you not change? You can not believe anything they say and I am living proof you will find happiness and love again. When my ew was done she was done and had no desire to attempt to save anything. Just keep improving yourself and over time, as you get stronger, your desire to be with her will become less and less.
Joseph yep hanging in there...I found the following that a user posted from 2008, it does a great job saying much about how I'm feeling these days:
All I know is that by me trying to focus on becoming the kind of person I want to be has helped. Additionally, realizing that at least in my opinion, it says a lot about a person that wants to leave a marriage with children and not even consider working it out. I can understand if I where beating, cheating or some other distructive thing, however, that is not the case. After all I made the commitment "till death do we part". The DR book has helped me turn things around a little..... In all circumstances I reveal that I'm content, happy and enjoying life more than ever, even when my heart is breaking. I don't ask where she is going, what she is doing, I work, help keep the house clean, love on my kids and read books like DR.
Lastly, the more I have thought about it, if my wife where to leave, I would have zero respect for Her. It would be similar to a stranger coming up to my kids and hurting them. Having said, that, I will still walk in love, be nice, not turn the children agaisnt Her and do my best to walk in forgiveness and free from bitterness. I can't help believe that there are women out there that have been walked out on or are lonely and would love to have at least a friendship with the changed man that I am. I'm not being prideful, just acknowledging that just because I'm being rejected doesn't mean my life is over. God is able to do exceedingly and abundant far more than I can ask or think, so if my wife would be willing to accept that and work with me, I truly believe our best years are to come.
Again, keep your head up, read DR and focus on making changes to yourself. The best thing you can do is to believe in yourself, and know, you are not the only one being rejected. If you can have a clear conscience that you have done everything within your power to make it work that is all you can do.
Sorry for rambeling. Love does not count up the hurtful things a wife is doing, it doesn't ask the wife to do what it wants, it believes in all things, hopes in all things and it "NEVER" fails.
So that tells me if you and I walk in LOVE.. we win or succeed.
B - do you know your value as a person, father, friend, partner? What do you bring to the table? How well do you understand that about yourself? If you have some idea, would you let anyone throw bones at you for scraps? NOPE!!!!
Get straight and be dignified because you know your value and have integrity. Let whatever weak $hit she's saying wash off your back.
As J said - make yourself a kick a$$ machine. You don't fall for meek words and actions. If someone wants to be in your life, they'll make it clear. You are not a beggar.
