There are a few things that I want to say to you and a few things that are hard to hear.
Firstly there are those disorders and abuses which are situational and there are those which are reactive and finally those which derive from personality.
I can broadly accept that the first of these could be in parlance called MLC and may resolve, the second temporary and will reverse and finally those born of destructive personalities which will never ever resolve but will get WORSE.
The most telling thing to me is your description of your WH unmasking. You saw it, it scared you and then you and your unconscious mind said that doesn't fit.
It does.
Your thoughts are valuable, precious drops. This is your wisdom.
My choice is to say here have this knowledge for free, and convert it into your own wisdom.
Know this, the more you set your boundaries and enforce them, the more a systemic personality driven abuser will abuse. The situational abuser will give up and the reactive will wake up. The personality driven will strangle hold more, it will get WORSE. That's how you know.
Are you prepared to open your eyes and heart to that knowledge? It isn't easy to know. Or easy to accept.
It's a hard road ahead or you can chose to not know, for once you know then you can never unknown.
You will need to lose your dream of MLC resolving, you will have to take the red pill.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Me: I want nothing to do with him. No interest in having him around. Since this is impossible, i want him to behave in a " role model " aroung our children. ( not happening and very frustrating ).
My rose colored glasses broke awhile ago. Mlc?? Not sure. He was always controling and once he left, i did not know who I was nor what I truely wanted. I was a shadow of a woman. I needed to work on myself; rediscover a lost personality and love this woman.(me)
I did this. I know who i am. I know who i want to be surrounded with and i am very judgemental on the people i meet. If my judgement is good, i will let them in. If it is not, my wall stay up.
There is nothing you can do about him around your children.
Sadly it's whistling into the wind. You can carry on being frustrated by it or you can leave it alone. Know that your children are wise enough to know him as he is. Truly nasty.
Learning to love yourself again is a very hard path. It really is a difficult path to follow. So thumbs up to you.
Trauma has a deleterious effect on the sense of self, leading us to question who we are. As you no longer want WH in your life, what is it that sends you into a panic trauma state when you know you might see him? Can you write the process? At what stage does it happen?
Where in your body is that trauma?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
A copy/paste of your link: the reward or punishment has been applied irregularly, then a second condition has been created where, upon receiving the stimulus, the person forecasts and imagines the reward or punishment being applied.
Obviously, ex-h knows he has go be calm in order to have contact with me but his temper or reactions are not always good. When his voice escalate, i shut him out. ( my boundary ). His reaction get worst, he goes mad, hits, scream, try to break doors etc..
Then, he apologizes to the kids by saying he does not control his anger around me. ( making me the reason of his abuse ).
To me, no apologies. A simple: i snapped..
Well what if he loses it to the point of shooting me? Then what? I made him do it? He had no control?
I fear him... i do not trust him and i am hyper-vigilent when it comes to him. Just hearing his name from the kids shuts me down. The more they talk about him, the more i boil inside.
My anxiety is in my chest. Huge knots with a string getting thight towards my heart.
To calm down, i take an anxiety pill or i step out to cry. If i can' t calm myself, i go to emerg.
This is about CONTROL for WH. And yes you have been conditioned to respond with anxiety. It's referred to as a trauma bond.
If you set your boundary then he will escalate. And he does so to recreate that trauma bond.
I know it is frightening because that is how it is. I had this too. And these terrifying monsters won't apologise, because that is a further loss of control.
I know why you are anxious and afraid, it is because there is something to be anxious and afraid of. A non mol or OOP will not stop these guys, sometimes even prison won't.
So I get it, I also understand why you have meds and why you stay away. I think you are right to do so.
The anxiety is in your chest. Do you have shortness of breath?
Is the feeling heavy? Do you get headaches? Or do you get light headed?
Is the sensation sharp or dull?
When you talk about boiling, do you feel hot? What colour is the sensation? Is it liquid or solid?
Does it ever move to your limbs or does it stay in your chest?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The trauma bond is worse when it is intermittent and patterned. It creates an anticipatory response, like a negative Pavlovian experience.
What I have had to learn to do is to control those aspects of my anxiety that I can control and accept the others. It took time but largely nowadays I can bring this to a capable level.
That is why I ask about your experience physiologically so we can explore if there are elements we can find ways of managing.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I get the news from the children of him being on his way.( always last minutes). I used to leave prior to him getting here..Now, we know he will come but do not know when until he is here.
My sense of alert kicks in. Blood start racing and nerves start shaking. I can calm the shaking but i can not losen the fist in my chest. If i feel threaten, my adrenaline hits record high. Boundaries and protecting myself become my priority.. full alert. Once he drives away, i crash.. numb, drained, zero energy. Complete shout down. In need of a long resting period to refuel my energy, my concentration, my decision process..
I had 3 anxiety attack were i had to be hospitalized at bomb..(years ago). With those, i had shortness of breath, fainting feelings, heart pumping out of my chest.
I had 3 hospitalisation from anxiety attact years ago.(bomb) When they happened, i had shortness of breath, the fist in my stomach, the very sharp link to my heart. Heart beating 100 miles/hre trying to get out of my body, faiting sensation from lack of oxygen.. emergency treatment and heart monitoring was the procedure i received.. ic and anxiety meds..
By setting my boundaries (for me) It is still very hard but it is also better than then..
Does he knows? I don' t know. If he does, it would by the children.
Can i stop him from cominv here? No because of the children still living here. I must say that he does not come often anymore. S19 and D18 had cars so they had no need for a ride if they wa ted to see him. However, last month, both girls agreed to spend the week-end with him. He then forbide D18 go use her car. He came and got them. We knew it would be pass 8h00 since D15 was working till then so i was not home. D18 texted me once they had left town. When he brings them back, the children text me when they get in the car and keeps me posted of their where abouts until they are home.
This is why he does not tell us when he will be here. For the last few months, he seem to find excuses to make contact and reasons to come to the house. Unfortunately for him, i am not home when it happens.
I beleive he is trying to reconnect but he is failing. He is still the same old bd man just a little nicer SOMETIMES. As long as everyone does as he says.
