The bomb woke me up, but she won't talk

[lusa]

Ive thought about this and come up with three reasons why I havent asked for that yet.

1. Because I thought this whole crazy situation was a mistake which would blow over sooner than now.
2. Because I was seeing my kids every day at the former family home up until a few weeks ago
3. Because I didn't want to disrupt my kids lives more than necessary

If my sitch doesnt change soon I will have to either see them more at Ws house, as a family, or have them more with me alone.

[LH19]

L,

You should see a lawyer right away about your options starting with you moving back into the martial Home and split custody.

She is cake eating big time. She wants out she needs to leave.

I wrote this story today. Thought mine would be resolved quickly and almost 4 years later it is still going on.

Everything you do from here has to be from a position of strength.

Good luck!

[lusa]

Thanks for your input LH, its much appreciated.

Although I have to say, wow your post fills me with fear, which I am starting to get used to now. This nightmare isnt about to end anytime soon I need to get stronger.

[LoneWlf]

This nightmare roller coaster often gets worse before it gets better. Use the time to become the best you possible so no matter what the outcome is- You will be victorious.

[lusa]

Finally dropping the rope will be such a huge relief, I wish I could do it now.

[SteveLW]

lusa, letting go, and showing her you are letting go, are what worked best in my sitch. After 2 days following BD of pitiful, woe is me clingy-ness I found an anti-divorce expert (not MWD) that taught "Let Her Go To Get Her Back". So on day 3 after BD I started instituting letting her go. I started by telling her that after 2 days of thinking things over I realized that it takes two to make a MR, but only one to make a D. As such there was nothing I could do to prevent her from executing her plan: get a job, get an apartment and get a D.

Then my actions followed that up. I offered to help her with her resume, and to buy her resume and interviewing books. I started talking about the need to decide how and when we would let D14 know what was going on. But mostly I started to detach and differentiate. GAL, 180s, and being the best H I could be but not smothering her.

lusa, if you can drop the rope it is almost a guarantee she will be intrigued, want to know what is going on, hate the loss of control over you she feels, and just generally pique her curiosity. It was described to me like how a bar fight starts. Someone shoves someone, and the immediate reflex is to come back at the pusher. If you push her away emotionally her reflex will be to come towards you.

[lusa]

Yesterday W sent a message asking if I would pick up d10 from tennis after work and bring her home. I agreed and she offered to make food which I agreed to. We ate together, for the first time this week and discussed some plans regarding kids activities. I really feel she is respecting me more and making lots more kind gestures. For example she bought me a magazine to take on our holiday in a few weeks ago.

I proposed to go and cook food for us tonight and then I will go to a friends house to play guitar. I asked s13 if he wanted to watch the football match with me and explained I could either stay and watch it with him there or he could come to my house. He said hed prefer to come to my house, and stay the night again, which warmed my heart and intrigued W.

Later on when we got back there we found he had forgotten his pjs, W offered to bring them to my house as I had already done a lot of driving. When she arrived with d10 she said d10 had insisted W come in and see my house for the first time. I have been there 5 months now. She came in and I gave her a tour.

I feel I have now managed to detach much more than ever before, and she has definitely noticed. I am genuinely happier for the kids to come to me than me hang out at Ws house and she knows it. Refusing invitations and taking the kids away with me has definitely given her a glimpse of what true separation feels like and I dont think she likes it.

I have the feeling she is finally starting to consider R. We are going away as a family in 2 weeks and have a busy time before that with kids birthdays etc so I am going to not pull back too much and stay present, but as detached as possible during this time. In 3 weeks from now we will come back from holiday and if no progress towards R has been made I am going to pull back more than ever and properly implement LRT, increase my GAL activites and detach more than ever resulting in my finally dropping the rope.

I am finally feeling some freedom from my codependancy and that now she cant really do anything to hurt me more than she already has. Things can only get better for me from now on, whether we R or not.

[AnotherStander]

I feel I have now managed to detach much more than ever before, and she has definitely noticed. I am genuinely happier for the kids to come to me than me hang out at Ws house and she knows it. Refusing invitations and taking the kids away with me has definitely given her a glimpse of what true separation feels like and I dont think she likes it.

A lot of mind-reading there, and mind-reading does not serve you well. You don't know what she has noticed and not noticed and what she thinks about it. You also do not know what she thinks about "true separation", she may love it. Don't try to use the kids as leverage against her. You can't make her miss her old life, any attempts to do that will just backfire on you.

I have the feeling she is finally starting to consider R.

It's too soon for that. I think you are trying to read things into the tea leaves that simply aren't there.

I am going to not pull back too much and stay present, but as detached as possible during this time. In 3 weeks from now we will come back from holiday and if no progress towards R has been made I am going to pull back more than ever and properly implement LRT, increase my GAL activites and detach more than ever resulting in my finally dropping the rope.

I fixed that for you.

I am finally feeling some freedom from my codependency and that now she cant really do anything to hurt me more than she already has. Things can only get better for me from now on, whether we R or not.

Good, yes this is true!

[lusa]

Read, understood and taken on board. Thank you so much for the sage advice AS.

[lusa]

On Sandis advice I have pulled back probably ten times in the last few weeks and it has really helped me detach and has been a huge 180 for me. I now feel I CAN live my life without her and can make it beautiful even if ATM i still really want us all to be together.

Due to family commitments I have been much more present at the house over the weekend, W seems much more receptive to me and eager for me to be there. I cant be less present at the moment because of both kids birthdays and going on holiday together in the next 10 days.

What I have been doing though is recognizing if I am doing something with expectations, and only choosing to do it if there are no ulterior motives. Its hard because often there are hidden contracts, motives and expectations underneath my actions.

Now im aware of that, I can just do my dad and husband thing for the right reasons, and incidentally her heart seems to have really started to soften. It has to be incidentally because I dont want to mind read why this is happening, but Ive really started mentally pulling back and losing expectation as this is happening. She is being more open when she talks about other people, not hiding her phone anymore, asking me to do things on her pc, and being happy for me to come to the house on my own.

She got upset last night over how s13 was treating her, which was the first time she had let me see her upset since BD. I managed to 180 this for the first time in our 14 year MR, and stood strong like a lighthouse, looked after the kids, and didnt go there with her. She came out of it and she apologized while we ate together. I dont need expectations about whether she noticed this 180, because i am really proud of myself for doing it and thats enough. As well as this board, i learnt it from the NGS book and in particular Steve Horsmon on you tube.

I know she certainly turned wayward around the end of last year, or possibly way before that. But I now think the fog has really started to lift. Im 95 percent sure she ended her EA months ago, I have pretty much followed all of sandis rules for 4 months now and like all lbs I cant help wanting to jump up and down and celebrate what i am seeing, but instead im voicing it on this board.

Thanks to this board I know I can now continue to keep my cool through any R talk she instigates. I have not dropped my guard and will not jump back into R too quickly or easily. From Sandis posts I know her resentment, disrespect and rebellion has to change, but I swear I am seeing them all slowly dissipate. I will hold out on our MR for true remorse and brutal honesty but I wont push for it all immediately.