The bomb woke me up, but she won't talk

[lusa]

Yes I have learnt to spend time without it being emotionally taxing now, in 2 weeks we have a week booked abroad on holiday as a family which will certainly be a big test for me.

Her EA was with her XH from 17 years ago across the pond. I am pretty sure she stopped it around the end of March, but cant be definite.

I am currently trying to decide if I need to bring it up straight away if she initiates any sort of MR talk.

[Davide]

You are traveling as a "family" with your wife who may more may not be actively in an EA? That doesnt sound particularly healthy for anyone involved.

[lusa]

I agree, but what do i do about it?

pull out?
confront her?
gather intel?
keep quiet?

[lusa]

After spending a weekend full of family time, I have now decided to continue with my 180s that involve not accepting all offers to go to her house and therefore pressuring a lot less.

I was shopping last night for d10s birthday when id finished W asked if I was going to call in to see the kids and I said it was quite late so id go straight home instead.

Then this afternoon she texted asking again if I was popping in to see the kids. I replied simply, sorry I am meeting someone at 6. This is only a plumber but she doesnt need to know that.

I will be picking s13 up tomorrow to stay with me and will see d10 then too. Although I am missing them all very much every day, my focus is on detaching and hoping that this is the best thing I can do to keep my family together in the long run.

I feel I am no longer making these decisions based on what her reaction will be and that the space this is creating is good for me and this detaching process.

[lusa]

I can't help wishing she had asked who I was meeting, then eventually these thoughts turn to, I wish I could get her out of my head for a bit.

This is such a good reason to GAL.
As I am writing this a friend just called and asked if he could pop round for an hour, that is at least a full hour of respite I will get from thinking about her, our MR and chances of R.

[ovrrnbw]

I can't help wishing she had asked who I was meeting, then eventually these thoughts turn to, I wish I could get her out of my head for a bit.

This is such a good reason to GAL.
As I am writing this a friend just called and asked if he could pop round for an hour, that is at least a full hour of respite I will get from thinking about her, our MR and chances of R.

She might be wondering, but you may have come off so eager to convey that message to her that it come as either desperate (women no likey) or hurtful (not gonna help you).

Maybe find another way to just say you're busy IMO.

GAL is great, so work on yourself. And don't do things for attention (immature) or to hurt (mean).

[lusa]

ive thought about this and see how it could be construed as eager. But as always happens she was the only one to initiate contact after 24 hrs, and i just immediately fired back that reply because I was at work, its what I always do.

Also she straight away asked if she could call and then spoke about an issue with s13 and ended the conersation with bye love. First time Ive heard the l word out of her lips since it was said venemously 6 months ago. So I dont think I came across as either desperate or hurtful.

I have certainly been too guilty in the past of immaturely doing things for attention or saying hurtful things to be mean. I feel this behaviour is now permenantly gone and thats why i have such a need to just hang out as a family so these real changes ive made for me can be seen, felt and enjoyed by the whole family.

I have to balance what I feel is my best chance of R with not creating pressure and breaking free of my codependancy slash NGS.

[lusa]

Just journaling.

A few housr ago, I went to pickup s13 to take him to football practice and then on to stay overnight with me. I mentioned to W that I might ask d10 to come with me and play for an hour then I'll drop her back. W said why dont you stay here and play with her and I will make you a meal. Instead I decided to take d10 to my house as we have a special game there.

Also this is the night we have to put the heavy trash out and I didn't offer to do it like I usually do and she didnt ask me. She is proud that she is able to do everything the house requires and stubborn like this too.

I feel down and sometimes incredulous that in nearly 6 months since BD there has been no talk about MR at all. Reading this board every day really helps counter this though. Im amazed that everyone is in the same position with very similar scripts, it gives me comfort.

[lusa]

After i posted this W phoned to say goodnight to s3. We spoke about child arrangements which are, I currently have s13 every Wednesday night after football and drop him back at 7am, and have d10 every Saturday evening and she stays all Sunday morning. The rest of the time i used to spend most of the other times either at Ws house with the kids or out a a family. I have 180d this now as it was stopping me detaching and not letting her experience the separation for what it is.

W stated she didnt think it was fair on s13 as he has less time staying with me. I replied that these arrangements are temporary and in the long term I need to see them at least half of their time with their parents. I also said s13, who has aspergers and adhd, needs to be with me much more now he is getting older so he can learn from me how to be a man. For example he needs to see me shower every morning, not showering enough is currently an issue for him. I explained that as time goes on I wont be spending less time with him, but much more.

This discussion has arose because of my 180s that involve going to her house to see the kids, and her less. Something is finally happening in this limbo, im not sure what and if its progress or not but at least things are finally changing.

[LH19]

Why don't you have 50/50 custody right now?