The bomb woke me up, but she won't talk

[lusa]

Thanks for your reply Davide, I have read your sitch with interest, there are many similarities. For example, I moved out to give her space, she is stubborn and still hasn't mentioned the D word.

There hasn't been any ground rules for separation, visitation plan or any plan, as she has refused any talk about anything like this since BD. The kids do come to my house once or twice a week and I see them at our family home. I could insist on only seeing them outside the family home, but it would definitely result in me seeing them less and reduce their level of normality.

However I am willing to do that if it will stop my pushing W further away.I'm not sure if my WAW qualifes for WW or MLC yet, but I have been reading Sandi's advice regarding WW's with great interest. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stop pushing my W away and hopefully allow MR and reconciliation talk. To be honest I am hoping to detach to enable this while still seeing my W and kids at our family home everyday - does this sound unrealistic?

Thanks

[SteveLW]

Okay, this "I need YOU to leave because I NEED space" thing is ridiculous. This is where being a man and standing up for yourself needs to come back to our society.

If my wife came to me and said she needed space, move out. I would have told her that if she needs space SHE should move out.

You seem to be doing a lot right here, except fixating on her not discussing the R. Just let it lie, These things take a long time to work themselves out. When she is ready to discuss the R she will. You need to be prepared about how to handle that discussion.

[lusa]

Thanks Steve, I am starting to see the decision to move out might have been the wrong one, and I am sure I haven't been man enough or stood up for myself enough in this situation. I have just bought "No More Mr Nice Guy" which might help me finally man up.

I will remember your advice to stop fixating on the R discussion, it makes a lot of sense to instead, prepare for when the discussion finally happens.

I am finally getting that detachment is key, and praying I'll get better at it sooner rather than later.

Me 46, W 46
D 10, S 13
M 14 years
T 17 years
Bomb 01/18
Moved out (at her request) 01/18
EA Discovered: 02/18

[Davide]

lusa,

I don't know enough to say what is realistic or not. I know, for myself, that I couldn't detach if I were seeing my W every day or every other day. I have seen her once in 6 weeks. It is hard enough for me as is.

You need to keep your kids in your life and that will necessitate some contact with her for sure. Just keep it to a minimum and keep the conversation to the logistics and the kids.

Keep focusing on yourself, not in order to fix the MR, but in order to get yourself in a better place for whatever your next relationship is, with her or with someone else. If you keep doing it for her it won't work. Do it for yourself.

[lusa]

Thanks for the advice - I'll do my best to keep this in mind.
Focusing on myself, and making sure the improvements and changes are for me not for her.

I'm still not sure whether I should still help around the house, do the gardening or go on family outings etc when she asks, or decline.

For example would you agree if your W asked you to come over and just hangout with her and your dog? Or would you refuse?

[Davide]

I went back once and mowed the grass before I started DBing. I wouldnt do it again. I wont do anything about the house until I move back in. I wouldnt do gardening if I were you. She removed you from the house. It is her responsibility now.

I dunno about family outings. I would ask someone with kids in this situation. My thought is no, I would want my time with the kids to be MY time with the kids. But, what do I know?

My W would never ask to hangout. She is asserting her independence. She feels like she needs to break free of me as much as I need to break free of her. If she did...woah... I think the correct answer would be to say no, that it would be cake-eating - a chance for her to enjoy the benefits of the R (hanging out, not being lonely, chatting) without making any committment to restoring the R. That said, I would be hard pressed to say no, because I would want to listen to her and validate her. It would definitely set back my detachment a ton - even thinking about it is hard. I am almost glad that it isnt a real option.

[Loves77]

Hi. I'm still kinda New myself.

Wait I can tell you is, I don't think it's wrong to be available for the kids, but maybe pick and choose how long you stay. Maybe a couple nights leave earlier than usual, or if you know she's making dinner declarations be one night and say that you have plans. Even if you don't. Pulling back a little will get her curious.

And NO, do not go hang out with her and her dogs. Graciously decline.

[lusa]

Thank you, I will graciously pull back a little and stop being available all the time like a panting eager puppy!

[Loves77]

I'll add, be unpredictable.

Right now she doesn't have to think about anything bc you are very available. ite great that you have recognized where you have went wrong. You can still capitalize on both issues. Detaching doesn't necessarily mean being rude. It feels that way bc you want so much to be with her, but in reality it's not.

Think of it this way:

"Hey, can you come over and __________"

"Ahhhhh man, I can't right now I have to _________"


Not too bad right?

Just give it a shot and watch for results.

[lusa]

Thank you David, very interesting food for thought, weighing up validating vs cake-eating vs successful detachment. Your point of view and honesty has really helped me see my sitch for what it is.