I have been reading this amazing forum for a couple of weeks now and Dbing for the last 2 months.
Our marriage was bad for many years, neither of us sought help and eventually my wife asked me to leave the house. I stayed in hotels for a month and am now in a short term 6 month let property.
This bomb dropping has really woke me up and made me realise how much I truly love my wife but also how badly i treated her at times too. I am learning and implanting the changes I need to make in my behaviour and never been through such a period of accelerated personal growth in this regard.
I feel I am not just using techniques, but have made core changes to myself, the way I manage my emotions and my family priorities. Its been 4 and a half months since the bomb and my moving out now. At first I broke all the rules but thankfully still with some respect for both of us.
Then I read DB and started applying it. Things have definitely improved in regard to the amount of family time with the kids we spend together, and she has even agreed to go on a family holiday abroad for a week next month. (Platonic co-parenting are the words she is using at the moment)
However, since the bomb and the horrible things she said about our M and R, she has always refused to talk about either. I realised I had to stop pressuring her about 2 months ago and since then she I haven t brought either up. This has definitely helped stop pushing her away, but left me in limbo. I have been demonstrating my changes and improving on them for what seems like so long now, 2 months, that I think its becoming obvious the changes are real, and jut as much for me and our kids as for her.
I think her EA has ended, but don t know for sure and am really trying my best not to snoop. I am at our house nearly every day after work and weekends and have the kids to stay separately every week. I am so glad I still get to see them nearly every day and I have really stepped up as a father since the BD.
It is really hard trying to detach from this, Ive never been through so much pain as I have this year, nowhere near. I understand and almost appreciate it is necessary as it has finally made me the man I want to be and my W wants me to be. She doesn t believe my changes are real and is quite understandably full of resentment from the past.
Now I ve written this first post I don t know if I have a question anymore, because any that come to mind always have the answer PATIENCE, but it is getting hard. Appreciating the baby steps is also a favourite answer I have read. My mistake at the moment seems to be losing patience between the baby steps.
I believe I can unconditionally forgive her EA and learn to love her ten times better than either of us have ever been loved before. I am willing to do anything and am doing everything I can whilst following the Ding principals. Why hasn t she given me a chance to even discuss our M or R yet?
Me 46, W 46 D 10, S 13 M 14 years T 17 years Bomb 01/18 Moved out (at her request) 01/18 EA Discovered: 02/18
Last edited by Cadet; 05/21/1810:01 AM. Reason: restored post
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I believe I can unconditionally forgive her EA and learn to love her ten times better than either of us have ever been loved before. I am willing to do anything and am doing everything I can whilst following the Ding principals. Why hasn t she given me a chance to even discuss our M or R yet?
The big thing here is learning to detach. You are still focused on her and the relationship. You need to let that go and focus on yourself and your kids. I'm not saying that is easy to do, far from it, and I am still trying to do so myself as well. I think the WW can just sense the efforts we make and that continues to push them away. Are you NC?
In any case, hang in there. You are right about patience. You will probably never need more of it in your life. Things will get better as you continue to focus on yourself and GAL.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
If you're at your own home every day, why not live there? Did you do something so egregious that you can't live in your own house? I bet your wife loves having the benefit of you without the presence of you. I bet the OM loves that too, but maybe he is just indifferent.
Don't worry about her right now, focus on you. You can't control her. She hasn't talked about your M or R because she's having an affair, most likely.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Detaching is so hard, I have just started trying. I've bought an audio book, co-dependent no more and some spiritual learning I am doing is resulting in small detachments.
Loving being with my kids and wanting to spend time with them as well as family time is making it hard. She knows 100% I want to be with all three of them as much as possible, and back in my family home. I am pretty much the opposite of NC, although I can proudly say I haven't initiated contact for 10 weeks now. She initiates it and asks me to either help with the kids or see the kids, so I see them pretty much every day.
I am focused on my changes, I know I need to GAL and understand that this is not giving up on my marriage, but GAL does feel like giving up in a way and will definitely result in me seeing my kids less.
Do you think I should be saying no more often when she asks me to go to my house to see the kids? It seems to soon to go dark, NC and fully implement the LRT.
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!
I mved out because she was demonstrating many MLC signs and told me she needed me to for her mental health, she was treating me badly in front of the kids and as I love them all so much I wanted them to have some peace. I realise this might have been the wrong decision now.
I know it wasn't a PA as it is with her XH who is in the US, we are in the UK. I have learnt the term cakeeating and am aware I am facilitating this at the moment - just hard to stop, as I don't like the alternatives. I'm stil coming to terms with how long this is really going to take.
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!
Parts of the marriage were bad for years due to her refusing affection and intimacy for around 7 years, not really even any platonic touching. Her mother died 5 years ago and the grief hit her hard. The lack of affection affected me in lots of ways and I ended up regularly demonstrating all the four horseman, Criticism, defensive, stonewalling and contempt.
She won't let me move back in and live there, although I go everyday and we regularly eat as a family. I haven't done anything so bad that I can't be there, and legally I could just take my stuff back tomorrow, its been more about me respecting her request for space. whenever she briefly mentions the M or R in passing, her words are "I just don't know", IDK if this is true or if she is trying to let me down gently or just cakeeating.
I really don't know what to do, but it is impossible to keep going there and hiding the fact that I desperately want us all back together and want to know the EA is over. I'm thinking of snooping more because if I could confirm the EA is still going on at least I would understand why she refuses to discuss us.
This is not making my life easy, but in other respects she does She cooks for us etc, plans family trips out. Am I making this worse by being there all the time and helping in the house? It is still my house and my family after all.
I have trawled this forum trying to find out what WAW experience and what I should subsequently do about this.
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!
Detaching is a process. I can't imagine how hard it is having to go back and see her on a regular basis.
I am not the expert on how to handle kids since I don't have any. I would think that spending lots of times with the kids would be good. You need to be the best you and the best father that you can be. But, do you not have a visitation plan? Can you not take the kids to your place? or at least out of the family house?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
