Thano you all for the input here. There is a ton of great info and advice. I'm going to try to answer any of the questions that came up, please forgive me if I miss something.
Anotherstander- she is probably in over her head. She is good but shes still a long way off from competing woth the best in the world. The people around her continue to tell her she has tons of potential and will be improving a ton but she really isnt improving at the rate she probably wants. I think she uses me as an excuse for why shes not where she wants to be, not only in her athletic goals but in her career as well. Ive never told her she couldnt make it or wasnt good enough, ive always told her how impresive she was and how shes definitely gotten better and stuff, but I guess I just wasnt saying the right things.
I will work on being more of a ra-ra person if thats what she needs and I have the opportunity.
I agree that it was very beta behaivior which is not like me at all. I was just kind of defeated by that point and trying to keep things on good terms.
I did bring up a monthly allotment and she was against the idea. I think if anything that made her feel like I wanted her to be less in control of making decisions espicailly financially.
I was always trying to communicate but thinhs would just turn into arguments. We could hardly ever get on the same page with things and sometimes it felt like she was just getting mad for the sake of getting mad. Looking for a reason if that makes sense.
Maika & Steve85- thank you for sharing that with me. I remember the last time we had issues she definitely rewrote our entire marriage history. I'll be prepared for it this time if she chooses to open up communication.
I really think this whole thing is just her hoping to get some sort of reaction from me. Thats why she took my truck and most importantly my cat. She knows I love that cat, we've joked about it before, "she goes before the cat does" jokimg stuff like that. She probably expected me to come get my truck and bang on the door for my cat but instead she got nothing. 5 days later, still nothing she blocks me on fb and Insta hoping that will get a reaction. Still nothing. I cant imagine what shes thinking now.
Anotherstander- she is probably in over her head. She is good but shes still a long way off from competing woth the best in the world. The people around her continue to tell her she has tons of potential and will be improving a ton but she really isnt improving at the rate she probably wants. I think she uses me as an excuse for why shes not where she wants to be, not only in her athletic goals but in her career as well. Ive never told her she couldnt make it or wasnt good enough, ive always told her how impresive she was and how shes definitely gotten better and stuff, but I guess I just wasnt saying the right things.
I had a feeling that might be the case. I think I'm starting to see the big picture, and you sir, are in a crappy spot. Here is the thing, if she is not a world class athlete but she wants to pursue that dream WHILE ALSO working, being an attentive wife, and helping take care of the home then more power to her. Plenty of Olympic athletes do just that. But if she is not a world class athlete then she is NOT in a position to quit working, quit taking care of the house and quit being your wife because she thinks all of those things "interfere" with her progress. No, that's not how life works. She's starting to sound like an indulgent, selfish, entitled brat. She needs a wake-up call, and unfortunately you can't give it to her because she'll just resent you for it. She needs to learn on her own that she is not "all that".
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I will work on being more of a ra-ra person if thats what she needs and I have the opportunity.
Just to clarify, I do not mean feed her ego. Don't tell her she's the greatest sprinter (or whatever) in the world and will clearly win the gold medal. I just mean to celebrate the things she does do right and be supportive of her within the framework of her being a good wife and such as well. If you get back together, then make an effort to go watch her when she does compete and cheer her on, and tell her how impressed you are and such. That's all I meant. My kids, it meant the world to them to look up and see me up in the stands. It thrilled them to pieces. That meant more to them than a thousand "attaboys".
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I did bring up a monthly allotment and she was against the idea. I think if anything that made her feel like I wanted her to be less in control of making decisions espicailly financially.
Hmmmm, well it sounds like you have been trying. This may be more about her own personal awakening that she is not the athlete she thought she was and is now looking for a scapegoat. Does it feel like that may be what's going on?
AS-man, youre pretty much right on all accounts. I dont think she is ready to actually "grow up"and deal with the realities of everyday life for a regular adult (career, responsibility, taking care of home and marriage)
As far as support I pretty much do just what you mentioned. I make it to every meet I can and support her as much as possible. I missed her last one because of a mandatory function but I'm sure she used that as an opportunity to tell her coaches (the people shes most likely staying with) about how I'm unsupportive and dont believe or support her.
I feel like thats exactly whats going on. Shes not happy with her career (or lack of one) and where shes at athletically. I definitely feel like the scapegoat
I feel like shes almost in the same position I was when we went through this a few years ago but with some different variables. Rather than having a drinking problem and some of the other issues I dealt with, shes got her issues to deal with.
Shes either going to grow up like I did or the marriage is going to die.
AS just broke it down with such precision and looks like he was on point.
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Shes either going to grow up like I did or the marriage is going to die.
So, now you know it's about her mostly and very little about you. the question now is - do you want to be with someone who operates with this level of maturity, or do you want a relationship with someone who has a good head on their shoulders and is grown up?
Why are you selling yourself short? You overcame major life challenges man - I am so proud of you. You are a solid catch. Just work on some NGS stuff.
You deserve someone who is mature and smart and doesn't scapegoat you.
Man... I honestly dont know how to answer that. I dont know what I want. I know I dont want someone else. I'd like to have a happy, healthy marriage, I'm just not sure thats even possible anymore.
You guys are right, this isnt really about me anymore. I'm so confused. I love her, but do I want to deal with this? I dont know anymore. I know I cant fix her, shes got to do it herself. Am I supposed to just sit in this empty house until she figures it out? I'm feeling pretty lost right now.
That's okay. That is why this is the time for you to figure that out and reflect critically on what makes you happy and what you need from a partner.
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I know I dont want someone else
I know how that feels. You're feeling this because you're in the throes of your pain and hurt. The wounds are still bleeding and all you want to do is have it stop. And right now you think that her coming back is what's going to stop the bleeding - it's not. You're also feeling a loss of control, stability, and grounding. Your identity is tied up so much with yourself as a husband and partner, that you're neglecting who you are outside of that for yourself. Who is raws as a man? I'd like to get an answer to that question. What are raws's values and priorities for himself in life? Those are the questions you need to answer.
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I'd like to have a happy, healthy marriage, I'm just not sure thats even possible anymore.
Listen, I am not far in my sitch to tell you that it's going to be alright at the end of the tunnel and that you'll have a happy and healthy marriage, with your current W or someone else. But you know what, I've seen plenty of folks here who are absolute success stories and have found new partners who have given them even more fulfilling lives. So, I know it's possible. But it's tied to improving yourself, finding out who you are, what your values are, and what you won't tolerate in life.
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I'm so confused. I love her, but do I want to deal with this?
It's okay to be confused. You're in the LBS fog, which is the opposite of the WW fog - you believe everything is your fault and you internalize that. You see you MR through rose-tinted glasses and minimize your W's faults. The more you GAL, self-reflect, give her and yourself space, the fog starts to lift and you are able to detach and think objectively. Right now, you need to trust the DB process instead of worrying about the outcomes. The outcome will definitely be a better and healthy you; if your MR gets saved in the process, that's a bonus.
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I know I cant fix her, shes got to do it herself.
Yes, absolutely. If she came back, I would insist on her going through IC before you even consider working on the MR with her.
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Am I supposed to just sit in this empty house until she figures it out? I'm feeling pretty lost right now.
Nahhh!! get your lazy a$$ out of the house and start living your life. You don't have to move on from her yet, but you have to move forward - which means finding GAL, thinking about where you fell short and making improvements. In your case, you've already made huge improvements, and so I'd think about how to spend time with other people, expand your social network, and figuring out who you are and what your values are.
It's okay to feel lost. We all did. But, we're here a few months removed from BD, following the DB process, seeing that there is light at the end of the tunnel for all of us.
Dust up and just do something, even if it feels kinda inauthentic. Last thing you want to do is sit and ruminate and wallow in self-pity. For sure you can grieve and process your emotions, but get out and find what makes you happy outside of your MR.
I know where you're at emotionally man. I was there. It won't stay that way forever. Just grind through the process and don't suppress your emotions - go see an IC if you need to. I did and it helped me tremendously.
We're here for you and got your back. Come and post here your thoughts and what you want to do. The folks here saved my life. Honestly. I dunno where I would've been if I hadn't come across this forum. You can do this!
Maika- thank you for taking the time to share some of your wisdom with me. I really appreciate it.
I know there are more fish in the sea, as they say. But im not even beginning to think about that. I dont want to become the "I'll never get married again" jaded type person but honestly that seems a lot more realistic for me at this point.
Ive been working on GAL, I didnt want you to think I am literally sitting around the house waiting for her to figure it out, I meant more in the figurative sense. Like just waiting for her to figure things out or file papers/find someone new. I try to get home as late as I can, I go to work, then train as much as my body allows me to. I usually walk in the door around 9/930, shower, watch some news then go to sleep.
We worked with a MC 2x before she left (at her request) but she still complained about him saying he wasnt helping and it felt like a waste of time even though it was her idea. I saw him last week, the day after she left and I plan on continuing to work with him. Ill be there tomorrow. If she wants to work things out thats definitely going to be a just.
Ill keep working on me and trying to figure out who I am. [censored] to say but honestly, right now I dont know.
W is still on my medical insurance and bank acct. I just saw a transaction for a patient first medical center for $180. Do I reach out and ask if she is ok? She is going to know I saw the charge. I dont know if this is a way for her to get attention or to get me to reach out or what it is. I am worried and obviously still care about her, i just dont know what I should do.
There's no reason to think about other fish in the sea. You're not ready for that. And you should not get validation about your self-worth from someone else's affection and attention. Get comfortable in your own skin. I wasn't saying that you should be out in the dating world or whatever. I am saying that she isn't the only one for you, and from what I have read, isn't the optimal partner you're looking for. She isn't giving you what you need from a partner. You can't see it right now, but I can see it plain and simple from what you're writing about her.
Good about GAL and working to pick yourself up. I am happy to hear you're in IC. MC only works if both parties are ready to rebuild the MR and are there in good faith.
For the medical insurance, I would err on the side of no contact just because she's acted so drastically by removing herself, your cat, and other belongings. But part of me also believes that you should not abandon compassion and care. So, I would text her this - "Hey, I saw the medical transaction. I hope everything is okay and that you are well."
