It's been another up and down week for me. I've been doing a lot of digging into myself. Not an easy task, by any means.
First, let me just say that I am NOT a fan of the MeetUp website. I know it's supposed to be for people to get together with other individuals for activities (hiking, yoga, mommy groups, etc.). I found a separation/divorce support group. Then I received a PM from another member of that group, like he was using it a dating website! Deleted my profile immediately. I want NO part of that.
Second, H is going back to work after 4 weeks laid off (he works heavy construction, just nature of the business during the winter). But his union called him to work for a different company (national company this time, instead of locally owned). So he will be working 12 hour nights, 6 nights a week, about 2 hours away. They want the crew to stay locally during the job, so I'm kind of doubting we'll see him much at all (kids included) for the next 3 months. We're meeting tomorrow to go over logistics before he heads to job site tomorrow evening.
I went to Celebrate Recovery with my oldest friend last night. It seems to be a good place for me to express my fears, faults, worries, etc, in an anonymous setting. Many of the women in the group, when they were talking, I swear could have been me up there.
I have also decided that I'm not going to be doing any more activities with the SIL's if it's a drinking/bar hopping thing. It's not me. I did reach out to a coworker that I like, told her I'm working on GALing (I used different terminology with her, lol), and we've always gotten along well, would she like to hang out outside of work. So 180 for me, I reached out to make a new FRIEND.
I have been writing in my journal a LOT more this week. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. Hopefully the writing will level out some more.
Still haven't gotten to the postcards though. I will pick some up after work Monday.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Congrats on making new friend!!!! Hope you will find some similar activities to enjoy together.
As for MeetUp - maybe you can give another chance.
Yes - I found it quite odd that some guy hit me up after I joined a WOMENS social group but its not really any different than the random come on's that you might get from when you were on myspace (OMG I just dated myself!) or facebook. Just block the person... report the person and just move on. Its not something that happens all the time but yes there are some people on there that just troll the newbies.
I'm sorry that your H is having to leave for work out of town. Its so hard for kids to stay connected that way and even more so since yours are still dealing with some fall out.
As for you... this may really help BOTH of you but you are going to have to write some affirmations in your journal....
You are worth it... You are special... You deserve respect... You are enough... You can do this...
You need to print out Sandi's rules and tuck them in your journal. Your H may need to reach out via text/phonecall more often in regards to "kids", "business" but most of this can be worked out before he leaves. Remind yourself not to answer EVERY text or phone call. Make sure he knows that you are not available the first time he needs to connect but that you will get back to him on X.
Your H needs to see that his M world did not just freeze itself in place while he goes out to find himself. Its moving on with or without him!!!! He needs to see it and feel it and he most certainly won't if you jump at every text and call or dump all your emotions on him. Remember you've got lots of friends on this board for that.
And, don't let your mind go down the path that OW is with H during this time. This is where you create the picture in your head that OW isn't going to sit around and wait 3mo on him. She was willing to A outside her fiance' with your H so its very likely in his absence that she will either go back to leaning on her fiance' or find yet another man to fill her need for attention. Your H will be lonely and OW is going to get burnt out so there is a good chance after about a month he will be contacting you hard and heavy...
Its great that you found connection with the CR group. This is a good thing!!! Keep GALing!!!
You are doing fantastic Meg. You really are. I know at times it doesn't feel that way - you keep holding your head high!
Before H came up this morning to go over some logistics, he texted me to ask if I'd like to go shooting at the gun range for a bit (it's like 2 minutes from my house here in the mountains). I said sure, since it's been a while and I need to get some practice in. While I'm sitting loading my magazines H comes closer to me than he's been in a looonnnggg time, leans down and kisses me and said "it's good to see you", then proceeded to walk down range. talk about bread crumbs. Then twice more while we're there, during conversation, he calls me "Hun". For the last 3 months he has not called me that nickname, just my name. We had our logistics discussion (bills and finances), he had to leave to take a nap. He starts new job tonight, 12 hour shift with an hour commute. He gave me long hug before he left with happy sigh, not sad or stressed sigh that he's had the last 3 months when he'd hug me.
I hate bread crumbs.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Ugh... I know what you mean... I hate bread crumbs too.
BUT - you are keeping interactions with your H positive... not negative. That's a good thing.
The last thing you want is to have your H leaving under the guise of an argument or a negative interaction. Keep all things about you positive!!! But, that doesn't mean you don't need good healthy boundaries. Remember what I said about not being available for every text, call or meeting... ok?
Ok, interesting Meg. Do you think any of this was manipulative or do you think maybe this is coming from a place of genuineness? I know early on in my sitch my wife was giving me breadcrumbs hoping it would prevent me from spying and snooping. She knew she could never prevent me from finding things if I wanted to (she never has been in the past, if I really want to know something she knows I will find out a way).
However, more recently the "breadcrumbs" have come from a place of genuineness. It is funny, but usually your gut feeling about this kind of behavior is correct. If it feels like manipulation, it probably is.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know, crazy isn't it? Lol. I actually live in one of the most conservative parts of California. Anywhere else in the state it's probably hard to find.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Ok, interesting Meg. Do you think any of this was manipulative or do you think maybe this is coming from a place of genuineness? I know early on in my sitch my wife was giving me breadcrumbs hoping it would prevent me from spying and snooping. She knew she could never prevent me from finding things if I wanted to (she never has been in the past, if I really want to know something she knows I will find out a way).
However, more recently the "breadcrumbs" have come from a place of genuineness. It is funny, but usually your gut feeling about this kind of behavior is correct. If it feels like manipulation, it probably is.
It doesn't feel manipulative at all. My gut/heart tells me it's genuine, but my head tells me don't look to deep into it. Just keep doing what I'm doing.
I did forget to mention another 180 I'm sure he's noticed. For the longest time I "let myself go", stopped taking pride in my appearance. The last several times H and I have had interactions, no matter what the situation, I've made sure to have my hair and makeup done, and more than just sweats/jean and tshirt on. Like yesterday, in the past when we go to the gun range I'd just wear old jeans, sneakers, t-shirt and no makeup with hair in ponytail. Yesterday I had dressed nice with hair and makeup done before he picked me up.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
I know, crazy isn't it? Lol. I actually live in one of the most conservative parts of California. Anywhere else in the state it's probably hard to find.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Ok, interesting Meg. Do you think any of this was manipulative or do you think maybe this is coming from a place of genuineness? I know early on in my sitch my wife was giving me breadcrumbs hoping it would prevent me from spying and snooping. She knew she could never prevent me from finding things if I wanted to (she never has been in the past, if I really want to know something she knows I will find out a way).
However, more recently the "breadcrumbs" have come from a place of genuineness. It is funny, but usually your gut feeling about this kind of behavior is correct. If it feels like manipulation, it probably is.
It doesn't feel manipulative at all. My gut/heart tells me it's genuine, but my head tells me don't look to deep into it. Just keep doing what I'm doing.
I did forget to mention another 180 I'm sure he's noticed. For the longest time I "let myself go", stopped taking pride in my appearance. The last several times H and I have had interactions, no matter what the situation, I've made sure to have my hair and makeup done, and more than just sweats/jean and tshirt on. Like yesterday, in the past when we go to the gun range I'd just wear old jeans, sneakers, t-shirt and no makeup with hair in ponytail. Yesterday I had dressed nice with hair and makeup done before he picked me up.
we go to a gun range in the Central Valley... as for you H being genuine... that could be the case... i think you are reluctant to accept it because it has to be more than that... he can't just "nice his way back in." this is where many LBSs miss the mark... they let their WW spouses back in without doing the hard work... if he is being genuine, he is likely hoping/assuming he could just sweep his affair under the rug... and you could let him do that... but you will be back here again, eventually... i feel for you, because i would not want to hold my H's feet to the fire if i were married to your H... it is going to take guts because he doesn't seem like he would be up for the task... but that is not fair of me to make that assumption... he needs to be given the opportunity... and it is something that needs to be addressed...
keep up with keeping up with your appearance... men are visual... this is something you can do for the both of you... this is a quote from the tv show, Seinfeld... Jerry says this to George when George suddenly began wearing sweats every day:
“You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.”
silly, but a good observation...
So continue to put effort into your appearance for YOU as well as your H... btw, has he kept up with his appearance? if not, maybe you can help him by buying him new stylish clothes, shoes... toiletries...
Keep sharing, meg24... you have a lot of friends here...
If I recall your H knows you now know of his A, correct? So he has essentially left his W and family for an A? And you are okay with going on dates with him and allowing him to kiss you? Has your H actually ended his A and demonstrated proof? Is he remorseful of what he has put you through? Do you not deserve that much from a man you have committed your life to?
I understand wanting to keep interactions positive, but that is not what I see happening here. I don't see how your H is a MNG (Mister Nice Guy) but Meg, I see you as the Nice Gal. You are letting him walk all over you and cake eat. You see once the Wayward gets caught cheating, they now have to work harder to keep their S as plan B. You are allowing that! Once he discovered you knew about his A, that was the time to drop the rope and go dark! Now he knows he can continue his behavior and you are right there waiting for him and any "crumbs" he will throw. He has no reason to end his A and change. (and FYI I made this same mistake for a shorty while when my H left by allowing family dinners and time at our house with the kids together)
I think you deserve better than this. It makes me sad for you. As I keep saying again and again, we teach others how to treat us. You are letting your H know that he can lie, cheat, and abandon his family, and still go on dates with you, flirt, kiss, etc. I'm surprised the other posters are not saying anything. If you were a male poster, and your W the wayward, we would be jumping all over him and telling you that you were being a doormat to grow a pair. I'm struggling to see the difference here, other than gender.
I genuinely feel sorry for you Meg. I think you deserve better than "bread crumbs." I personally just see it all as more manipulation and him keeping you as plan B. And you are happy to dress up for the occasion and take it.
Sorry for the 2*4. But if we can't be honest, I just don't see how we can help one another here. If I were in your shoes (and I was) I would not let me H have any cake (not a crumb) until he ended his A, showed me proof, and showed complete remorse. That's what I believe I deserve. And when I DID get to that point, I saw the changes in his behavior. When my H realized he was going to actually lose me, that is when he realized he needed to change.
In the mean time you can still continue to keep things positive and pleasant, detach, 180, and GAL for you and your self esteem. I think you could use a giant boost in self esteem.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
BluWave is soooo right... i do not know what happened to me... i have been tough on hoosjim, and i have been tough on Helena--both LBSs... one male, one female... for some reason, i found myself wanting to be super gentle with you... but that is not going to help you... BluWave just put me to shame in the best way possible...
He moved his whole cake and wants to eat all yours too.
You are super rewarding him for cheating. It's called triangulation (otherwise known as the pick me game), as long you are playing he will keep cheating. And kissy face tells him all he needsaid to know. You very much remind me of another poster here called Pink, I will see if I can provide a link.
By being pretty, sweet, smiling, sexy lips, the best you can be for him, then he wins and nothing has to change.
If you were a guy I would say grow a pair..........
You can do what you want to do for you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
