Then you weren't detaching. Detaching is letting go in a LOVING fashion.
I see that I might have been too black and white in detaching - or understood it wrong. I went too dark in my circumstances, but I red again detachment thread (and letting go thread as well), and itīs quite balanced information.
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"I am open and share my feelings, and why, I will explain later." Just be careful with that. When dealing with a WAS it's important to listen and validate, to get THEM to share their feelings. You however should not be doing the same, because to a WAS it just sounds like you're trying to make everything about you. You need to be a rock, a foundation of stone during this.
I totally agree with importance of validating - it has not been my strong side in the marriage. But since I have been neglecting W in marriage I feel that I need to open up eventually - even if it would be too late now - just to try that out. I know many of us here have been in same situation in our marriage, let it run in autopilot, yet still most are avoiding opening heart and sharing feelings when DBing. This topic seems controversial(at least from my pov), but I feel that Iīm playing games if I feel something I donīt share - do you know the feeling? My W have never felt the admiration and heard feelings from my side in marriage, so Iīm struggling to understand how it would backfire me more if I donīt share my feelings with her now? She is on her way out anyways. Also, she said after last MC that since I always was so "cool" and would get anyone I wanted, she never felt important or wanted. But I never wanted anyone else than her - I just lacked in showing that... Iīm sorry if I seem to be hard-headed regarding not sharing my feelings. Iīd just love to understand that a bit more...
I downloaded an app, which reminds me to report me mood three times a day in scale from 1 to 10, and also allows to write a bit of notes what contributed in my feelings. Looking back I see that there is a direct link between how itīs going with W with my mood. Even if Iīm at gym and sun is shining, I miss W and mood is bad. When W gives a bit of positive signals, mood goes up despite what else happens. Quite natural i guess under the circumstances, but still I find this concerning. I have even thought if I have some kind of codependency issues or if I just have been obsessed in what I canīt get - wife? I need to learn more about detachment in loving fashion - not neglecting but to REALLY having no expectations what so ever. That is hard, since I TRULY wish we could rekindle our R in some point. But back to previous sentence again - out of LOVE towards her or that I want to have things I canīt get(or dream of family), Iīm not 100% sure. I know that I love her, but I guess my head is just a bit mess now... Also there are these typical fears of loneliness and if I never love anyone like my wife again. Guess I need to read letting go and detachment threads over and over again, but implementing those things in real life is not that easy Iīm afraid - at least for me.
Even if Iīm at gym and sun is shining, I miss W and mood is bad. When W gives a bit of positive signals, mood goes up despite what else happens.
Completely normal this early after BD. It gets better slowly over time.
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Quite natural i guess under the circumstances, but still I find this concerning. I have even thought if I have some kind of codependency issues or if I just have been obsessed in what I canīt get - wife?
Codependency gets discussed here like it's a bad word, but it is completely normal and natural in a lengthy marriage to have at least some amount of codependency. I mean isn't that what M is, being there for each other? Having someone there when you're hurting and needy? Being there for them when they are the same? Helping each other with errands and such? So of course when that person is suddenly gone you feel a huge loss and you think about them and miss them. If your W died would people tell you "you just need to get over it and move on"? Of course not, they would be sympathetic to your grief. Yet ironically when your spouse leave you that's EXACTLY what people tell you! What you are feeling is normal and takes time to work through.
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Also there are these typical fears of loneliness and if I never love anyone like my wife again.
That's normal too. I knew I was finally recovering when I was able to say to myself "I may very well be alone the rest of my life, and I am OK with that." Part of recovery is learning to love yourself again, and to feel whole even when you are by yourself.
I really hope that someday (and not in super distant future) I can truthfully look in the mirror and say:
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"I may very well be alone the rest of my life, and I am OK with that."
For now it looks difficult. I think one reason being that as I mentioned earlier, I have opened my heart to wife again when everything is more painful. When I was more in dark (thought that was detaching), life felt easier. I thought: "She does what she does, itīs not your business. She does not report to you, you donīt report to her". That was clear, but cold. It takes time and man to really let go, but in a loving manner.
Also weird thing I noticed: I feel that my wife have become more beautiful and attractive lately. She was photographed for one project and posted the pics to Instagram. When I looked at the pictures, I thought: "Why did she never see her like this when everything was good? Why did I never treated her like a treasure, which I would now if she would only let me?" This feeling makes it even harder to let her go... I would want to go there proudly and say "this is my woman"! Hurts to realize how I had chance more than 10 years, but we almost never hold hands walking etc. Well, what do you know...
Have any of you guys experienced that your wife become sexier and started to blossom when she wants out?
Itīs time to do bit of journaling again - have been a week with kids and this is first time I opened laptop on non-work-related matters.
It has happened quite a lot, but I try to be concise at straight to the point.
Firstly, biggest change I see in me is, that I think and educate myself more on things related to "how to survive divorce and create happy life on your own" rather than "how to save your marriage". Past 2,5 I have been 100% dedicated in fixing my marriage (except 4 months at fall 2016 when was highly stressed from work) and especially since last summer I have done everything in my power to make things right without begging and other injurious ways (tried at least!). I donīt mean that I have signed off mentally, but I have started to accept inevitable: without a miracle, we do not have a future as a couple with my wife. We still get to the emotionally focused therapy once a month, and Iīm committed to that, but I have set a time-limit for myself: if there is not progress until midsummer, I will drop the rope.
In addition to the MC, we have one touchpoint weekly where we discuss R matters. What I have learned to understand from my wife is that: 1. She cannot think relationship with me know, since she feels that she canīt "grow" to the person she has meant to be if sheīs together with me. Sounds familiar I guess? 2. She had a fear, that if she would have had left me off the cuff, I would have taken vengeance against her in some way - financially, regarding kids etc. She said she had seen how dedicated I have sometimes been in demanding justice.
On the other hand, she has given also some very opposite messages during a week, which Iīm not quite sure what to think of... She has sent me following text messages: - "I have now realized what it would require from me to feel good with you again: I should learn to be with you in whole different way... and when Iīm used to be with you one way, any other way feels so strange" I have not yet asked that what is the way she thinks she has been with me. Anyhow, following message brings me even more questions: - "When we have managed our problems in rational ways, it has not enabled us to meet on emotional level... It would have been nice to do things with you in irrational way just because we feel like it... without a need to be rational about it" Even if I donīt know what she would have liked to do, I would not have hurt to try it... Then yesterday she sent me this: - "for some reason I miss you and us so much"
Even it feels nice, that she sends these kind of texts, I try not to get my hopes high. I still donīt expect anything more that we will be divorced, everything else is nice surprise.
But I still cannot help but feel sorry that our story is so textbook example of how things usually goes. Wife in her 40īs after 10+ years of marriage wants to grow. I have heard every classical lines from her you can imagine. Itīs so sad I think... And yes, I know what we could have done differently to prevent us being here. I just feel that we could have so much to accomplish with all the understanding we have now, and how they say that after reconciliation marriage can have passion that has never been there before. However, I need to admit that this story is not in my hands unfortunately.
I donīt know if it matters, but I have started feel that my W is not that much of WW, but WAW (loss of love). Yes, there was PA, but that was initiated by emotional needs. She has not had that much of GGW behaviour that I have understood WWs usually have and she is very committed with the kids. As said, donīt know if it affects anything, but this is how I figured it out.
What it comes to my personal journey, I have found new layers of feelings from me: feelings of coping with uncertainty. This is something I have tried to ALWAYS avoid previously with all the costs possible. But now I need to except that I do not know what the future will bring what it comes to our R. And even itīs painful feeling, it has a taste of life in it! No matter what happens between me and my W, Iīm sure that surrendering myself dealing with uncertainty will help me in my life, since life is uncertain.
Itīs my week again at the apartment and W is with the kids. Iīve tried to do some thinking and make a plan how to move forward.
At the moment our status is like this: -We both spend every other week with kids, but do not share nesting apartment anymore. Iīhave the apartment and W is living at her motherīs flat but is looking apartment as well -Affair is not going on and there is no contact to OM, although Iīm aware everything can happen underground -We still attend very good MC once a week, and we both are committed to it without any expectations of end result -My GAL is going quite well, I see my friends quite much, live a healthy lifestyle (my W have noticed Iīve gained muscles), and I have started to expand my social network (joined Toastmasters and one support group for guys) -I am willing to work things out with W, but if there is no progress until midsummer, I will drop rope and move forward. I may leave door open to wife, but will prioritize my healing and keep eyes open for opportunities life brings ahead -My net income is double compared to my W, and at the moment I cover all the living costs/kids needs until the point we have as much to spend. I have decided to continue this until I drop the rope or affair starts again -We have seen a bit more with W, done some training together and even watched some TV close together. We also have one date-weekend planned in next month, where we agreed that she plans first evening activities and I plan the second.
My biggest concern at them moment is that what is the best level of revealing my feelings and talking about R. As I have said, I donīt have any expectations, but since she have said (as I written in previous post) that she would need to learn new way of being with me, I initiated the date with her and proposed that both of us just comes in as we are - no learned behavior patterns if possible (hardly I guess). I have not said ILY or anything like that, but due to my neglecting history, I have shared my thoughts and feelings more than some might suggest, in other words I have been quite open to just try that out before dropping the rope. Any comments - should I talk R at our situation?
