Are you saying that you have appointments starting now and ending in June or that the appointment doesnt start until june? If you are waiting to start until June, that feels way too far away. A lot can happen in a few months.
Just to let you know I took care of your appointment let me know if you need another!
Iīve been offline for a while and have tried to figure out what have happened and make things straight in my head. Last couple of weeks after I found out my wife had an EA&PA have been the most emotional time for me in my life. I have allowed myself to grief and feel empty. Iīve cried a lot and it has helped. I have also been able to stop my obsessive thoughts about dirty details of my wifeīs affair so the pictures donīt haunt me so much anymore despite the huge pain is still there.
Iīm journaling a bit now, since I have a lot on my mind.
W ended the affair and said to the OM that she will not be in contact with him while we are figuring our things out. It was not so final that I hoped for - obviously she has feelings for him... But she has been open about the message that the OM sent to her but where she did not reply to. Sure, I know that she can lie. I know that since we are separated, she even could visit him if she wants and I would not know. But I made a decision to trust her now. I cannot control her each step - it would make me grazy.
My attitude towards my wife is now as if we just met. I donīt judge, control or expect too much (which is hardest part for me). I am open and share my feelings, and why, I will explain later. We will go to the counceling together once a week, and talk and have lunches together weekly.
There has now been two emotional focused conceling sessions after I found out the PA. Oh boy, they are amazing! We got immidiately to the levels, we never been in our marriage. We both have cried and felt unexperienced connection. This approach is totally different of what Iīve used to before.
I have learned to understand more of my wifeīs feelings toward me. My wife cried at the session and revealed that she never felt that I thought she would be good enough for me. She cried that she had tried to open up and offer herself for me, but was constantly rejected. How she felt that I was not interested in her thoughts or feelings. This was not particulary new info, but this was different: when I listened and expressed my feelings of sorry that she felt that way in our marriage, she told that for the first time she felt I really meant it - that her feelings mattered something for me. Revolution, but a late one. I also got to say for the first time(!?) that I was longing for her acceptance - the "being proud of me" -look in her eyes that I never got. That everything I did (actions), I did in trying to earn her appreciation. She expressed that she never knew that I was interested in having her appreciation - that I have been so confident, independent and secure, that she did not think I would need it from her, or would be interested in having that from her. That I already got so much admiration from the others, that she did not want to boost that anymore. She explained that how bad she felt all the time when I was out travelling with work and having company parties and picturing all these ladies trying to pick me up that eventually she just needed to amortize these feelings of jealousy - forget me.
Then I realized that my detachment that I practiced for 3-4 months now has pushed her even further away from me. She experienced that how she felt I was as cold and distant as I was in our marriage. That I was not emotionally interested in her or accepting her, I just wanted to have her back because I decided so. For the kids, for the security etc. but not because of her... So now, knowing that many of you here donīt maybe agree, but I decided as my last option to do 180 in that. I decided to be open of my feelings, share my inner world with her and open my heart - even if it would mean telling about longing for her. She never felt I needed her, so even if it would backfire me, I want to be honest and make her feel special and that she is perfect just the way she is. So even if it backfires, I donīt need to think later that I never gave her the feeling she was special.
It is so obvious that she wants to be admired. When we have had conversations after revealing PA, it has came in to my knowledge that she had feelings also towards another guy she briefly met back in September - only two times. And he was not even her type, but he made my wife feel secure. She said she never felt secure with me, because I was "expecting perfection" and was judgemental if I was not pleased in something. So she clearly is longing for acceptance and when she gets it, she falls to almost any guy (?!). I feel so bad that I never made her feel that special one... So now when I have opened my heart to her, everything hurts so much more. Iīm thinking about my W texting with other guy, thinking of him etc. And the fact that she donīt know if she wants to spend her life with me is hurting the most. I can now understand how important detaching is in to be able to heal and move on. But I rather take this pain now for few more months and look to the end to see if there was anything left for us. I made decision to be fully committed on my side to be open and to fully get to the deep emotional levels in the councelling to see if that works (if no OM in picture). We have sessions booked until midsummer and if there is not any progress, then itīs time to evaluate if it works or not. If not, I will start detaching and move on. Still not closing the door from the wife, but also keeping my eyes open for other possibilities life will bring. I have had heavy GAL going on already for 6 months including gym 5-7 times/week, rekindeling my old friendships, proactively talking with people etc, and that will continue.
Funny little add-on: my wife told to me yesterday how she feels that sheīs been living in some kind of "fog" for the past two years (the time she has been wanting to go), but that now it feels that itīs becoming clearer. I donīt know, maybe itīs quoted from a "WW manual", but hopefully this is the case. Iīm also more than aware, that everything my wife is saying or doing should not be believed at the moment, but the decisions I made was made for myself. To be able to think that "hey, at least you tried everything. No regrets. Be proud of yourself even if it hurts for a while"
If you do that which works and a 180, then it's not more of the same! If in your R you have been cold and distance (for instance) then in a separation being more cold and distant isn't a 180. It's more of the same.
Detachment isn't about being cold, it is about doing that which is right for you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
If you do that which works and a 180, then it's not more of the same!
Yes, I can see it now. I was so afraid not to smother her after she said she needed space that I appeared as cold as before. She felt I donīt care for her, I just had a "fixation" in my head that I want to save our marriage on principle. 180 for me is to open up and share my feelings with her and let her feel herself accepted as she is.
How detachment works under these circumstances would be nice to master if that even is possible...
I have also been thinking that even if this has been tough journey, it has been needed for me to wake up and to be a better person. I feel that going abroad for work assignment 4 years ago was the final nail to coffin of our marriage, since she felt so lonely there and I was stressed with work. Also in the expat assignment happened what my wife described was the thing made her closing her heart for good: she got miscarriage and she felt that I prioritized work over her and abandoned her when she needed me the most. I did not feel it that dramatically, but for sure should have been there more. This is the single situation in our marriage that I regret the most. If we would have not gone to that assignment, we still maybe would be together. But do I regret we went? No. Since even if we would have been stayed together, the underlying problems would be there. We would be together, but we (and my wife) would not be happy. This crisis have made me a better man, and if we get another chance with my dear wife, she gets the man that she deserves. If she will not want to continue with me, I will be wiser in my potential next relationship.
GettinT, my WW could have said much the same things that your wife did. I too had the wrong idea of detachment and therefore was afraid that it would drive her away because of my past behavior. I too was critical and judgmental. And due to my W's relationship with her father (where she never felt good enough), she felt she married someone just like him.
I too am sad that I never made her feel (until recently) how special she always has been too me. I like you want her approval and appreciation and I couldn't give a care for anyone else's approval and appreciation. Her's is the ONLY approval and appreciation I care about. (Yes I know detachment says I shouldn't but....)
DBing and DRing is not a one size fits all. The experts here will tell you that. Do what works. If something doesn't work stop doing it. However, the techniques taught by MWD and here will work 99% of the time.
Thanks for the update and keep posting!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
And due to my W's relationship with her father (where she never felt good enough)
I also have been hearing many times until recently how I remind of her stepfather... He was very abusive also physically, which I never did, but she felt that my way of criticizing reminded of him. I have actually sometimes felt that the "ghost" of her stepfather has been living between me and my wife... Even after the PA she said she felt that she put me in her stepfather shoes - when she was living at home she needed to have secret relationship with her boyfriend since stepfather did not approve it. According to her, she was repeating this trauma with OM. Who knows, but very peculiar...
But I made a decision to trust her now. I cannot control her each step - it would make me grazy.
No, you cannot trust a lying cheater. You have to LET GO of her, not trust her. There is a big difference there.
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I am open and share my feelings, and why, I will explain later.
Just be careful with that. When dealing with a WAS it's important to listen and validate, to get THEM to share their feelings. You however should not be doing the same, because to a WAS it just sounds like you're trying to make everything about you. You need to be a rock, a foundation of stone during this.
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This was not particulary new info, but this was different: when I listened and expressed my feelings of sorry that she felt that way in our marriage, she told that for the first time she felt I really meant it - that her feelings mattered something for me. Revolution, but a late one.
Good, that sounds like some excellent validation!
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Then I realized that my detachment that I practiced for 3-4 months now has pushed her even further away from me.
Then you weren't detaching. Detaching is letting go in a LOVING fashion. It is NOT being cold, rude and indifferent. Detaching is what Sandi's rules are all about, and if you read them they are all geared towards the LBS letting go while creating a positive vibe towards the WAS and keeping the way home paved and smooth. THAT is detachment.
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So she clearly is longing for acceptance and when she gets it, she falls to almost any guy (?!). I feel so bad that I never made her feel that special one...
Don't beat yourself up too much. It sure sounds like she has self-esteem issues and could benefit from some IC. It is not your job to make her feel good about herself, she should ALREADY feel good about herself and your support is just icing on the cake. But she sounds broken and she wants to blame that on you. That's not your fault. And by the way, you can't fix her now either.
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Still not closing the door from the wife, but also keeping my eyes open for other possibilities life will bring. I have had heavy GAL going on already for 6 months including gym 5-7 times/week, rekindeling my old friendships, proactively talking with people etc, and that will continue.
How detachment works under these circumstances would be nice to master if that even is possible...
Any tips?
i think it does work... but it's hard to get there... the LBS is so afraid to offend the WW/WA spouse... i think the WW/WA will usually think it's cold at first, even if the LBS is not being cold... it's just all new behavior...
my thought is, "i'm sorry if i seem cold, but you're pretty damn cold yourself leaving our marriage..." the LBS needs to let the WW/WA deal with the detachment...
as a WAW, i felt my husband's detachment at coldness in the beginning... oh well... what did i expect? but after awhile, i saw that he was getting on with his life... living it... he didn't need me... he was doing things with friends, with our sons, with his family... what felt like coldness in the beginning eventually went away... he hadn't ever been cold at all... he was detaching... and he let me deal with it... he didn't apologize to me... and i didn't deserve an apology...
