Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 7

[Holding]

New thread! Never thought when I came here I'd get to #7. I'm going at about a thread a month.

Link to old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2767408&page=1

[Holding]

It seems like every day I have a new hurdle to overcome. I have this tendency to just sit back and not want to deal with life's sh1t on a daily basis, like I want to cruise on autopilot. I know, classic NGS stuff. And it's ultimately a form of laziness. So my sitch is slowly showing me living like this is not working. I'm learning I have to be more of a fighter and go-getter.

Legal stuff: I found out I have a court date in the spring. I'm disappointed it's not sooner, since I'd like to move on with my life. It feels slightly comforting to see a possible end to this in-house S. And I realized I'm also a little sad, since I really wanted this to end differently when it all started. When I first heard about the court date, a little voice told me "See, she still has a few months to change her mind." Another part of me screamed back "STFU".

GAL: I went out to dinner last night by myself (this is GAL for me). I was thinking about where to go, and I decided on the place that "scared" me the most ("scared" in the sense that it would be socially uncomfortable for the old me). So I went into a popular restaurant and sat at the bar by myself. It started out empty at the bar, but soon had a couple of single women. I managed to strike up a brief conversation with one (which is a total 180 from the old me). She mentioned she had a boyfriend at one point, so I figured I'd back off a bit. I'm not looking to date right now, so this is just me trying to face my fears. Baby steps.

Hard stuff to write about: Two nights ago I had a dream that STBXW walked into my room, was in a good mood, and kissed me. In the dream I was confused at first but I liked it. Then last night I had a dream she was talking to me, smiling, laughing, and touching my arm while talking. Can I please go back to the dreams where I'm going on dates and kissing hot women? I can hear it now, "See, Holding, your subconscious knows you haven't really moved on or detached."

Next post: Dealing with STBXW

[Holding]

Christmas is coming up. It's sad that this is the first year I've ever dreaded the holiday. I'd really hoped we'd be D or at least physically S by that point, but with the court date that's just not going to happen. So I've been thinking about how we can handle the holiday given the in-house S. I can't recall that I've read about this in anyone else's thread, so maybe this'll help others.

STBXW texted me yesterday asking what my thoughts were for Christmas. I texted back that I think we should try to make it a positive, conflict-free event for the kids. I said I was open to the possibility of us doing Christmas morning at the house together, just as we've always done. She said that was fine. I asked her not to invite any friends or family over since that would just be uncomfortable for everyone. She agreed. We agreed to discuss presents for the boys so we don't end up with duplicates. We also agreed to coordinate on the other days around Christmas so I'd be able to spend time with the boys (her family typically takes over our holidays). All in all, I'm pretty happy with this.

Weird coincidence: Last night (after my dinner out) I went to the grocery to get some stuff for the kids. I actually ran into STBXW there, which was totally unexpected. When she saw me she smiled, and I smiled back. We had a minute of fairly pleasant convo with each other about what we were buying. I ended the convo and we continued our separate shopping.

The whole interaction felt really weird, like it was almost something that could've happened before BD. I think I caught her in her "public" persona - it was very different from how she acts at home. It makes me wonder how long she'd been hiding behind that persona in our M.

Later that night back at home, we were settling up expenses for the month and finalizing the bill payment arrangements for December. In general, we're splitting all credit cards, utilities, and bills right down the middle. As you might recall, over the past month she's been really upset that I refuse to reimburse her for late fees she's run up on a few bills she's responsible for.

She brought up the late fees again last night and claimed I was trying to "nickle and dime" her to death. She said she's been robbing Peter to pay Paul, and she's doing the best she can making the payments on time. I told her I was being fair, I wasn't causing her financial problems, and she needed to be responsible for making payments on her bills. Then she walked away, sarcastically telling me to do whatever I felt like I needed to do.

I asked her if she wanted to see the final numbers on my laptop, and she came back. She got angry again. I asked, "Why are you so angry with me? It's almost like I'm the one D'ing you". She reminded me that I wanted the D now too. I agreed, but I said she was the one who started all this and wanted the D in the first place. She told me she's angry that the D process has taken so long. She said she wanted to do this amicably, but she thinks my L has purposefully delayed things. She said she lost out on the house she wanted me to sign the waiver for. She said she never put down a deposit or made an offer (which is contrary to what she said about 2 months ago).

I redirected us to the final financial numbers on my laptop. There was a column that listed the late fees and showed that I wouldn't be splitting them with her. She looked at them and said, "Fine. Okay. You do whatever you want." I tried to talk to her, but she was in full victim mode. Then she walked out of the room saying "Let's see how much I won't be able to afford paying for. You do whatever you think you have to." Then she was gone.

I printed the financials and hung them on the wall in the kitchen, then I went to bed. This morning I saw she wrote something on the printout, which is her way of getting in as much snark as possible. She'd circled the column showing the late fees, and under that she wrote "YOU'RE THE BEST! THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING! :)"

(If you're not used to dealing with this level of snark, she was basically calling me an @ss for not contributing to the late fees.)

[AnotherStander]

Legal stuff: I found out I have a court date in the spring. I'm disappointed it's not sooner, since I'd like to move on with my life. It feels slightly comforting to see a possible end to this in-house S. And I realized I'm also a little sad, since I really wanted this to end differently when it all started.

The end isn't written. D may be the end of this M, but down the road you may very well find yourself in a R with the same woman. Or something better with her. Or with someone else. A lot of people here become awash in hopelessness and despair, they really let it get them down. My brother is a classic example, it's been 7 or 8 years since his D and he has never dated, never given up his bitterness. He completely abandoned hope for that M and any future R or M with anyone. What he fails to realize is he can't blame his XW for that (he does every day), it is HIS fault. If he made himself into the spouse only a fool would leave, then he'd have his choice of hotties right now. He certainly had his choice when we were younger. He oozed confidence. Now he oozes hopelessness. Don't be him. There is every reason to hope! I didn't get my XW back, what I got instead is a hot, sexy, shapely, beautiful girl who thinks the world of me. I don't know if it comes through in my posts but man do I love live. I mean I live it and love every second. BD and the aftermath and my subsequent DB'ing transformed me into a different person. I never gave up hope, it powered me through EVERYTHING. Hope to get my M back at first, but at some point I didn't even realize it but it just became hope for a great life rather than specifically my M. Hope is really powerful!

When I first heard about the court date, a little voice told me "See, she still has a few months to change her mind." Another part of me screamed back "STFU".

Again, nothing wrong with hoping!

So I went into a popular restaurant and sat at the bar by myself. It started out empty at the bar, but soon had a couple of single women. I managed to strike up a brief conversation with one (which is a total 180 from the old me). She mentioned she had a boyfriend at one point, so I figured I'd back off a bit.

Hey, always remember- married women and women with boyfriends have single friends! Not saying you're ready for that yet, but something to keep in mind for when you are

Two nights ago I had a dream that STBXW walked into my room, was in a good mood, and kissed me.

I think we all have those dreams for a while. Now I dream about what sexy things my GF will put on next time she comes over. Actually I had that convo with her yesterday and she asked what I thought about thigh-high stockings and nothing else. Yeah, there is life after D

[LH19]

I don't know if it comes through in my posts but man do I love live. I mean I live it and love every second.

It comes across and I think it's fuching awesome!

[Verum]

Hard stuff to write about: Two nights ago I had a dream that STBXW walked into my room, was in a good mood, and kissed me. In the dream I was confused at first but I liked it. Then last night I had a dream she was talking to me, smiling, laughing, and touching my arm while talking. Can I please go back to the dreams where I'm going on dates and kissing hot women? I can hear it now, "See, Holding, your subconscious knows you haven't really moved on or detached."

I think after being married almost two decades you cannot expect to suddenly stop thinking about her.

[Holding]

S14's birthday is this week, and STBXW took it upon herself to make arrangements for his birthday dinner without talking to me. She invited her family to attend a dinner at a restaurant (she has relatives in town, I do not). To be fair, this is what we've always done, but things are different now, and I was really p1ssed she didn't talk to me first. When I told her (via text) I was disappointed in her decision to do this without talking to me, she said she didn't realize she needed to check with me, as this is what we've always done. I asked her to check with me in the future. She told me to stop it, then she said the conversation was over since I was being "unreasonable". WTF?

I think I have a few different ways I can handle the dinner:

1) Man up, don't let the in-laws intimidate me, and go to S14's birthday dinner. Show them a confident, strong Holding. This is S14's day, and I should be there for him.

1a) Same as 1, but invite my mom to come into town for the dinner . This will get on all the in-laws nerves. Not really productive, but fun to consider.

2) Tell STBXW I won't be attending, as I don't think it'll be an enjoyable experience. I'll essentially be the elephant in the room. We'll eventually be doing separate B-days anyway, so why not start now? Show STBXW that I will not play along with her game. Make a new custom for his birthday, where just he and I can go do something fun on the next day.

Opinions? I can see advantages to both approaches.

On Saturday I met with my NGS meetup group. They all told me to go with option 2. They said, if I want STBXW or any of the in-laws to start seeing me differently, I need to refrain from going.

GAL: Aside from my NGS group, I met up with a divorce group - a CATHOLIC support group for divorce! It's called "Journey of Hope", if you're interested. I met them at a restaurant, we had lunch, and I told them about my sitch. They've already been through the program, but I've been in contact with the woman who runs the program, and she invited me to one of their social gatherings. It was good to talk to them. Another group will start up in January, and I'll be going to that one.

I when to the gym 2 days this weekend. I've focused on cardio, but I'm starting to get more into weights. I'm trying to build up some tone and reduce the flab. The BD diet was a godsend, but the ol' appetite is coming back and I need to actively work to keep the weight off.

Sunday, when driving home after my second workout, I had a moment in the car where I realized I was building a new me. I felt a sense of peace. I thought about how STBXW is just not a good person for me.

Sunday Crazies: I've noticed STBXW usually has a spew of crazy on Sundays (a lot like Chris19's W starts her crazies on Friday). My STBXW just can't let a Sunday go by without fighting with me.

It all started when she texted me while I was working out, asked me where I was, and I ignored her. Later that night, in front of the kids, she kept asking me where I'd been, and I told her it was none of her business, my kids knew where I was, and she was no longer my keeper. I told her I didn't want to do this in front of the kids, but she kept going. She screamed "I just want to get the F out of here. Why won't you let me go?" I told her to go ahead and leave. She asked me when we can schedule mediation, and I said, "Really, this again? Do you have to ask me every week?" She said she was moving out in January. I just smirked.

We got into a sarcastic snippy fight with each other. She called me by full name at one point, to be clever I think, and I called her by her maiden name. She said she couldn't wait to get rid of my last name. She was in rare form, and I wasn't intimidated by her in the least. She played tough with me. I laughed at her several times. S10 asked her why she was being this way. She didn't respond. As she was walking away, I said, "And you asked for my forgiveness two weeks ago". She then said "I don't want your forgiveness".

This whole thing makes me see how completely unbalanced she is. She changes from day to day. I can't trust a single thing she says. I can't shield my sons from her craziness, so I think it's time for me to show them I'll stand up to it.

I feel bad for her. She's going through something horrible and lost her mind. No kidding, I wouldn't be surprised if she was legitimately diagnosed with a split personality or maybe a brain tumor.

Last night I prayed. I prayed for my boys to make it through these hard times. I prayed for myself, to start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I prayed for STBXW, for her to find peace and some form of happiness in her life.

Time for the 2x4's.

[joejoe1]

H,

I think you did good. She must sense shebis looking that grip on you. Thats is about to drive her crazy. Get buckled in. Stay strong and hold on.

[AnotherStander]

2) Tell STBXW I won't be attending, as I have already made other plans with S as I don't think it'll be an enjoyable experience. I'll essentially be the elephant in the room. We'll eventually be doing separate B-days anyway, so why not start now? Show STBXW that I will not play along with her game.

See above modifications. Try to think "what would a strong, confident man say and do in this situation." I don't think he'd throw a bunch of "poor pitiful me" stuff in there.

It all started when she texted me while I was working out, asked me where I was, and I ignored her. Later that night, in front of the kids, she kept asking me where I'd been, and I told her it was none of her business, my kids knew where I was, and she was no longer my keeper.

I'm just curious if you thought you were doing something "good" here? Did you think you were standing up to her or something? Because to me it just sounds like you were trying to start a fight. Why not just tell her you were working out? If she wanted to know so bad then just tell her. In DB'ing terms you're not supposed to openly share where you are every second of every day, but you're not supposed to deliberately avoid the subject either. Don't offer it up freely, but if she asks, then answer (without sharing a lot of details).

We got into a sarcastic snippy fight with each other. She called me by full name at one point, to be clever I think, and I called her by her maiden name. She said she couldn't wait to get rid of my last name. She was in rare form, and I wasn't intimidated by her in the least. She played tough with me. I laughed at her several times.

This was all in front of the kids? I mean you do understand this wasn't all on your W, right? You were BOTH arguing, BOTH fighting, BOTH actively trying to antagonize one another. Step back for a second and ask yourself what your end game is here. If it is to save the M then did the above get you closer to that goal or farther away? If your end game is forget the marriage but be the best possible dad you can be, did that get you closer to or farther from that? There is literally NO scenario where a fight serves you at all.

This whole thing makes me see how completely unbalanced she is.

Well, if I were sitting there watching that I would have thought both of you were equally unbalanced I think.

I can't shield my sons from her craziness, so I think it's time for me to show them I'll stand up to it.

By lowering yourself to her level? How about rising above that and showing strength of character instead? Tell her "I understand you are angry and frustrated but I am not going to be spoken to in this manner" and then if she continues yelling then leave the room. Set a boundary and stick to it.

[Coconut]

Holding,

I think it may help you to step back, and not get caught up on everything little thing. Personally I don't think it is a big deal that she set up sons B-day dinner as it always is, in fact I think it may be good for your son. But either way, I do not think it necessitated you having to tell her to check with you first next time, especially since next b-day it looks like you may be D and living separate.

Would you like to see your son have dinner with the family as he has always done? If so, then join if you want, or don't if it would be too awkward, but either way plan something to do with him on another day. It's a great time to start a new tradition. In house S is rough, but once it ends and you truly detach, you'll likely look back as I do and laugh at how caught up with everything you were.