Knight, I'm not sure why you think your W is MLC, I'm not reading anything in your posts that makes me think that.
Thank you for reading my posts, i appreciate it...i wrote this one early on...
I have extensively reviewed, replayed and sought out information all over and it seems its the conclusion i have found. the 180 blew me away but looking back several months i see how it progressed and got to where the BD happened. I was the one who initiated the conversation about our R and M since i started noticing differences in her behavior, actions and emotions. soon after she started working like crazy and going to events, not being home, changing her hairstyle. hanging out with 20 year olds and dressing very provocative. becoming even more absorbed to her Instagram account and cell phone. I watched her resist and struggle and dive right into all kinds of behaviors and moods that blew me away. Becoming very distant with me and kids. so many things....i could write a book...lol
hence why i concluded she was in MLC
M:35 W:40 D:24(her first R) D:9 S:8 Grandson: 7 BOMB:Mid June 2017 MARRIED 10yrs
Sorry you are here. I checked out your thread because of the title "Fog". I will be honest. Sometimes the real fog that I see is the one many of us LBS enter in. Thinking there is something majorly wrong with us to deserve to have the people that we committed to turn on us, cheat on us, try to place the blame for their cheating on us.
Its usually you get out of the fog of worshipping the poor, abused, cheating spouse with FOO issues that things start getting better.
AnotherStander, WHy do you think his wife cheating and saying she no longer has passionate feelings for him is due to his checking out? ITs usually a long standing dynamic that occurs, and I am sure her part in that dynamic contributed to the marital decline. People that tend to site lack of passion and give the old "ILYBNILWY" speech tend to be the type that are just non committed and searching for rainbows. I think she is gaslighting to justify her own entitlement and inability to commit to a marriage. Sadly some people are just like that.
My wife dropped the bomb about two weeks before her birthday mid june. When she DB it was all the text book things, identity, lack of passion, ILYBNILWY, why dont i feel passion towards you and so on. My wife was never easy in speaking her mind and emotions and we had worked on that together but what transpired was a total 180.
M:35 W:40 D:24(her first R) D:9 S:8 Grandson: 7 BOMB:Mid June 2017 MARRIED 10yrs
WHy do you think his wife cheating and saying she no longer has passionate feelings for him is due to his checking out? ITs usually a long standing dynamic that occurs, and I am sure her part in that dynamic contributed to the marital decline. People that tend to site lack of passion and give the old "ILYBNILWY" speech tend to be the type that are just non committed and searching for rainbows. I think she is gaslighting to justify her own entitlement and inability to commit to a marriage. Sadly some people are just like that.
^^^^^^ This I can relate to. To not want to work on a relationshp with 2 young children says a lot IMO. Minus some type of abuse, etc.
I was the one who initiated the conversation about our R and M since i started noticing differences in her behavior, actions and emotions. soon after she started working like crazy and going to events, not being home, changing her hairstyle. hanging out with 20 year olds and dressing very provocative. becoming even more absorbed to her Instagram account and cell phone. I watched her resist and struggle and dive right into all kinds of behaviors and moods that blew me away. Becoming very distant with me and kids. so many things....i could write a book...lol
hence why i concluded she was in MLC
Yes I've read all your posts including that one, and it does not sound like MLC to me. Sounds like a WAW. Again the reason I make the distinction is people involved with an MLCer focus more on the MLC as the cause of their sitch (which it usually is).
Originally Posted By: JujuB
AnotherStander, WHy do you think his wife cheating and saying she no longer has passionate feelings for him is due to his checking out? ITs usually a long standing dynamic that occurs, and I am sure her part in that dynamic contributed to the marital decline. People that tend to site lack of passion and give the old "ILYBNILWY" speech tend to be the type that are just non committed and searching for rainbows. I think she is gaslighting to justify her own entitlement and inability to commit to a marriage. Sadly some people are just like that.
Well first of all he never said she cheated. It sounds like she had interest in a PT but he did not reciprocate. Second of all, I didn't say he checked out, HE said it. Here is his quote (I bolded a few items):
Quote:
i guess i should start with how we got on this path which was with unintentional consequences. we moved to Colorado about two years ago and we both knew we would have to work hard and make sacrifices to succeed. we spoke about it and understood it. it seems i sacrificed to hard, i worked two jobs and volunteered so i was away from the house a lot and i started crumbling under all the stress...i didn't spend enough time with my W and i was always tired and irritated. even though we were getting closer to our goal of me getting a full time job and her finally getting the job she wanted we drifted further apart physically and emotionally. fast forward a 6mo back i finally got the full time job with awesome pay and benefits. my dream job if you will but we would have to move. at the time i could not afford to move everyone so i decided one more sacrifice to get us ahead would be for me to move for a year and save money so we could all come up afterwards. i would be away for 4 days a week and return back home for 3. she was not happy with that but understood my reasoning or so i thought. thats when things became worse for her and for me as i was not open and unhappy about making this sacrifice and it hurt to be away from home those 4 days. i became more irritable when i was home due to the added stress and still working one of those jobs in the 3days.
looking back on it i see how she reached the MLC point with taking on extra duties at the house, turning 40, feeling abandoned and she never liked the idea if sleeping without me at home. and i unknowingly i replayed one of her traumatic childhood experiences...more on that some other time...
she mentioned of how i was always greedy and selfish in our marriage and didn't help around the house. how i made decisions without her or with our regard of how she felt. her main complaint was aside from the MLC things of me was why she doesn't feel passion for me and her heart doesn't skip a beat when she sees me. she openly admits to me that i am an amazing man and an amazing father but that she has no feelings for me which kills me inside because i think she's amazing and i love her so much.
^^^This stuff is absolute poison in a marriage, THIS is why things fell apart. Serious neglect. I think blaming it all on MLC is ignoring what the real issues were in the M.
^^^^^^ This I can relate to. To not want to work on a relationshp with 2 young children says a lot IMO. Minus some type of abuse, etc.
Read what I quoted above and try to see it from her point of view. In her eyes, and in Knight's own words, HE is the one that didn't work on the relationship. HE is the one that abandoned her and the kids. I mean I get it, he felt he had to do it to financially support the family. But all she experienced was he was gone 4 days of the week and she had to care for a home and children by herself. Even for the 3 days he was there he admits he was working on another job, and was irritable and cranky and no help to her. I am not trying to beat Knight up but I see these as HUGE issues and everyone here seems to be sweeping them under the rug and building a pyre to strap his wife to.
Have you noticed that not all cheaters are MLC, but everyone who's MLC seems to be cheating? (And yes, I'll admit, being on this forum means that there's a selection bias.) The fact that your spouse is cheating can be a hard pill to swallow, but using MLC to put a sugar coating on infidelity makes the pill go down a little easier.
(I was bored and felt the need to stir the pot...)
if i may ask...my W DB, turning 40 and acting out doing a 180 on herself, claiming having no identity, no purpose no meaning in her life and her saying she doesn't even know if she loves herself, neglecting the children and not working to go to events and getting addicted to social media and marijuana to ignore and suppress her feelings is a WAW? those were her words and actions...
M:35 W:40 D:24(her first R) D:9 S:8 Grandson: 7 BOMB:Mid June 2017 MARRIED 10yrs
